My Beef With Bob…

I am very upset with Bob!! He claims that I said that he owes me money for performing sexual favors on him during our Christmas party last year.

This is not true!!! It’s true I was in the bathroom with a couple of men, but I was only doing my job!!! I did not request payment of any sort from any of the gentlemen, especially Bob who does not have a dime to spare!!!

Maybe I did do something with Bob that night, but I have not asked him for money. That is disgusting!!!! It’s also illegal for me to ask for money, and I don’t appreciate Bob trying to get me in trouble with the law. Shame on you Bob!!!

Someone wrote in wondering what the cheese tasted like that I had to shove up Ralph’s butt to get rid of his tapeworm. Do you mean before or after? It was cheddar cheese if that’s any help to you.

I was going to post some pictures of me oil wrestling, but we had a small problem.

The owner of the bar where I work decided that oil wrestling would bring in bigger crowds. I thought that would be great because the bigger the crowd, the bigger the tips.

I was scheduled to wrestle the third match that night against that bitch Deeanna. The crowd was really into the previous matches so I felt pretty good.

We started wrestling and I was beating the crap out of Deeanna when a patron flicked a lit cigarette butt into the ring full of oil. Then the oil caught fire! I hopped out of the ring and watched as the heat melted Deanna’s costume to her body!!!

I started freaking out!! Someone told me my hair was on fire and I ran to the dressing room. When I looked in the mirror I saw that my hair was indeed on fire!!!

I grabbed the first bottle I saw and started to squirt it on the flames hoping they would go out.

I never knew hairspray was so flammable. With every squirt from the bottle, the flames would grow larger!! I finally got my act together and ran to the toilet and dunked my head in.

When the fire was out, I pulled my head out of the toilet and went back to the mirror. To my horror I saw that all my hair had been burned off except for some small tufts here and there.

I stayed in the dressing room for the rest of the night with a towel around my head. I felt a little sorry for Deeanna because she had to peel off her costume with tweezers and I know she had to have lost quite a bit of skin.

I waited until all the customers left and then I ran home. When Ralph saw me he became very excited and wanted to have sex immediately because he thought it would be neat to try it with a bald woman. Now you know why I love him so much!!!

NEXT WEEK: Scrumptious pastries!!!!

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Melissa Paternik

Melissa started writing columns back in 2000 when we first got going. She continued for several years and then retired her column. Other writers contributed to Chick Shit after she left. The archived columns are being added one by one and will appear from time to time.

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