A new Ask Bob column every Friday!
I was quite concerned when Stephen wrote that I didn’t have a 2011 Top Ten list because I didn’t like anything in 2011.
I decided to prove him wrong, not by actually making a top ten list, but by proving 2011 was not any worse than any other year. I would compare a random day of 2001, with the same day in 2011. I keep a dairy, so it should be easy.
First, I printed a condensed four page 2001 calendar on the computer. Then I plopped it in a blender and put it on “high” to separate each date. Then, I reached in to pull out the winner! A moment later, blood, skin, and shredded paper splashed all over the floor and walls. I should’ve turned off the blender.
It was a nice day for a walk, so I headed to the urgent care, conveniently located 2 blocks from my home.
I returned home with a missing index finger-tip, a bottle of pain pills, and one nasty headache. I swallowed a hand-full of pills and chased it with a hand-full of beer. Then plopped down on the couch to watch TV, completely oblivious to why I stuck my hand in the blender in the first place.
A few hours later I woke up thirsty and stumbled to the kitchen for a nice, tall, ice cold, glass of soda. I opened the freezer and put ice in my cup. A piece dropped and slid across the floor. I didn’t want to slip on the cube later, so I went to pick it up.
I stepped on blood-soaked calendar date-shreds, which surprisingly didn’t dry up, and slid into the cabinet with my head slamming onto the counter. I guess that weren’t so bad, but just my luck there was an open can of cat food sittin’ there with the top opened and ‘stickin’’ straight up.
That round cat food top sunk into my skull like it was made of butta’. I fell backwards and just lay there for a minute. Then I tried to stand, but was dizzy and off balance. For some reason, I was convinced that if I didn’t stand I would never be able to get up, so I thrust myself up with all my might.
Too bad the open freezer door was right above me. My head slammed from below and I went right back down.
When I woke-up again, I couldn’t open my eyes.
Dried up blood had sealed my eyes shut. Blinded, I headed down the hall toward the bathroom. I washed the blood from my eyes and looked in the mirror. Half the can-top was still sticking out of my head.
I decided to fix the cat food top myself and headed toward the work-shed. When I sat on the bench I felt something in my back pocket. It was the mystery calendar date…and my finger-tip!
Chance had given me 08/17/01 to compare.
I was excited to compare my diary entries from 08/17/2001 and 08/17/2011. I took a pair of needle-nose pliers and pulled tuna can-top out of my head. I just used some carpenters puddy to stop-up the hole in my head.
I went back to the kitchen, got my soda, and tossed my finger-tip into the kitty dish.
I ran to the bedroom and got out my box of diaries. With much anticipation I found 2001 and started frantically flipping through pages.
Here’s what it said:
I got drunk today and tried to burn some newborn kittens.
I couldn’t do it, and ended up keeping one.
Then, I was chased by the police and it resulted with some nasty gas! After eating two bottles of antacids I got super-constipated.
When I was finally able to go to the bathroom I think I blew a gasket! I’m heading toward the hospital now.”
Now, let’s see what is in this years diary for 08/17/2011!
Today I got up, got dressed and went to work.
I had a fiesta-salad for lunch…yummm!
I had chicken for dinner and enjoyed a fine wine afterwards…pinkies-up!
And now you know.
COMING NEXT: I sell out in the worst way!