Gene asks, “HEY BOB, DOES LIFE EVER LEAVE YOU THUNDERSTRUCK AND DO YOU PRAY OR DO YOU PREY?”
Hey Gene, STOP YELLING AT ME! For me life is awesome, but I think it’s because I live the life of a crescent fresh dude and don’t sweat the disappointments. And yes, and yes. I prey on people starved to share the fiction they’ve wrote and don’t have an audience. We provide that audience of people looking for original fiction, that they can’t get anywhere else. That’s why we started Alarmingly Strange Stories at TheWeirdcrap.com.
But I don’t pray in the traditional sense. That just doesn’t seem very efficient and it seems kind of a bold move. To ask the God you believe in to stop everything and grant you your wish for huge pectoral muscles when all you have to do is go to a gym.
But sometimes I do have the need to pray as I was raised that way. Whatever that means.
But instead of praying on my hands and knees, I devised a more efficient system because I have a bad memory and I’ll forget something important. So instead, I maintain a list of things in outline form that I would like or would like to see happen. I keep it in a file and add to it when I get a chance. Then once a week, I copy it, put it under my pillow, kneel down and say, “Dear God, please refer to the list I put under the pillow.”
If I have a special request I’ll add something like, “Please pay special attention to Section IV, subheading B, paragraph a, part 3.
This way the prayers are over quick and I don’t forget anything.
Sometimes I include a category of “Improvements” A list things done by God that could be improved upon. For example, a lot of things happen to people because they are being “Dumb-asses.” So I figure, cut ot the chase. Just put in an eleventh commandment that tells people to stop being dumb-asses.
Then I figured Moses would take care of the details in Deuteronomy.
Here’s a sample list I put under my pillow a while ago:
- Please give me giant pectoral muscles like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- If that’s not achievable then maybe like Ricardo Maltoban from “The Wrath of Khahn.”
- Huge biceps would be nice too, but not as important as pectorals.
- Oh lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz?
- I’ll settle for nice Tesla.
- If Tesla, please include a plug-in attachment for the garage.
- If Mercedes or Tesla is not possible a new Nissan would be nice.
- Really, I’ll take anything new.
- It doesn’t have to be new, just in good working condition.
- Ok, anything that works.
- Please make being senile, like being high, so I can enjoy my retirement.
- If that is not in the cards, then maybe make pot legal in my state.
- If that’s not possible, then a good reliable dealer that I can trust.
- If providing a dealer, make sure he has nothing to do with fentanyl.
- Hey, just make it rain in India, already. Seriously!
- Can Noah take along a few dinosaurs?
- Make an 11th Commandment, “Thou shalst not be such a Dumb-ass.”
- The next time you evolve mammals, set up a system so that we don’t eat out of the same hole we breath with.
- Really, too many people die of choking while eating.
- If a separate hole isn’t possible, then maybe an emergency valve that we can use if we’re choking on food…seriously, plan ahead for God’s sake (no pun intended).
Then the next morning I woke up like a 5-year-old on Christmas morning. I ran to my Bible only to find 10 Commandments! A biblical equivalent of getting coal in my stockings! I checked for any emergency breathing valves…nothing.
I’ve been leaving these requests and suggestions for years and not one has ever come true. I really wanted that 11th Commandment because I thought it would really lead to some cool stuff in the Moses book and in the New Age Testament.
For example in Deuteronomy, you may find this excerpt:
And so the following morning, some talking Apes brought this query to the attention of the great Moses, “Moses I am my neighbor’s, neighbor. I borrowed his goat to help with the chores around the house. Suddenly the goat died of natural causes. This has been verified by the noble Quincanomeous. Not wanting such a fine beast to go to waste, my family and friends feast upon the beast in a most pro-semetic barbeque. Must I pay my neighbor for the beast…after all, he died of natural causes.”
And the great Moses enlightened the crowd with these words. “You ate his fucking goat! Good gravy! Pay the man. You are guilty of the 11th Commandment: Quit being such a dumb-ass!”
Jesus could have referred to the Commandment a thousand times! But I think you get the idea.
So that’s my lesson on praying. Now go in peace, quit being dumb asses and speak of this to no one.
AND NOW YOU KNOW!
Song in my head:
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