Note from the Editor: Due to an unexpected disruption in the time and space continuum (thanks Spamrider), the original column somehow was altered. Originally this was not in the voice of Captain Kirk, but we liked this version better, so we kept it. However, some language of the introduction coincided with a completely different time line, so that part has been changed to match the current existing time line.
Kevin writes:
Everything is so expensive these days. I’m trying to trim the budget to save money. Got any tips?
Well, before I get started, I’m still on that election thing. I’ll be brief. The ‘ol lady pointed out that in my last two columns, I never really told you what I thought.
Well, here goes.
In short, Donald Trump is a struggling businessman turned politician who will do great things if only given the chance. Although, his campaign is basically the speech Napolean Dynomite gave to Pedro. “Vote for me and all your dreams will come true.” could use some improvement, I’m sure hell do fine.
Now, back to Kevin’s concern. I recently binge-watched “Star Trek Continues” on YouTube, so for no logical reason, I decided to write from the point of view of a star ship captain.
Kevin, I sense the weight of expenses bearing down upon you, like a gravitational field around a black hole. Fear not, for I have navigational plans that should help! My five-minute mission: To explore strange expenses and new strategies, to boldly go where no budget has gone before.
Tip 1: Cancel the Cable!
Just as we’d abandon a malfunctioning starship, so too should you sever ties with cable. Embrace the streaming frontier. Keep one or two apps. Trust me, after a brief adjustment period, you’ll find those free channels can deliver entertainment just as well as their costly counterparts. DON’T BE FOOLED BY AN ORION SLAVE TRADER FROM THE ALPHA QUADRANT!!! Those paid apps just aren’t worth it. This simple act can save you a remarkable $150 each month!
Tip 2: Positioning is Key!
Although many maneuvers are available, I recommend “pattern delta-two” when attending church. Take a seat toward the back. As the collection plate approaches, subtly change aisles to evade it. A small maneuver like this can save you a few bucks—think of it as tactical budgeting.
Tip 3: Brew Your Own Coffee!
Channel your inner engineer and craft your coffee at home. Pour it into a to-go cup for that coffee shop vibe. If someone notices your coffee cup is not an official coffee shop cup, shout at them “THIS IS CETI ALPHA V!!!!” Now, they’ll leave you alone.
I know what you’re thinking, “But Cap’tin! If I put anymore pressure on the coffee maker, the thing will blow! She just can’t take the pressure!” Trust yourself, and be that inner miracle worker! Also, if workplace java is scarce, stow some instant coffee in your pocket. Each week, this could save you around $20—fuel for your daily mission!
Tip 4: Adjust Your Smoking Routine!
If you indulge in smoking, consider reducing your intake. Skip every other smoke to cut costs and give your lungs a chance to recover. A modest savings of $7 a week may not seem like much, but if we take tiny advances in that galactic treaty, soon you’ll have a galactic Allie.
- Bonus: If romance is in the air, you’ll have to perform twice to claim that post-encounter smoke. Two missions completed—it’s like hitting two starships with one photon torpedo!
- Bonus-Bonus: One nag-free day!
Tip 5: DIY Liquid Soap!
Don’t let big money, corporations dilute your soaps and say bye, bye to bonk, bonk on the pocketbook. Dilute it yourself by buying generic, add a little water, and you’ll achieve maximum suds without maximum expenditure. Plus, if you dilute your shampoo, your hair will be a wee-bit greasy. Which means you no longer need conditioner, and you’ll save even more! Let your sweat glands be your conditioner. Those sweat glands will release a manly-musky smell that women can’t resist! You’ll be busier than a tribble locked in a grain storage bin! This can save you about $6 weekly—efficiency at its finest.
Tip 6: Hide Your Paycheck on Friday!
Stow that paycheck away until Monday. This prevents weekend spending sprees and keeps your reserves intact. Once I lost a whole week’s worth of pay on an Orion slave girl! Usually, the cost of a night out can easily exceed $125, making this tip a powerful strategy in your financial arsenal.
Tip 7: Still hiding that Paycheck on Saturday!
You just saved another $125. Or in my case, a trip to the doctor too, because of that Orion chick. It’ll be like getting warp 8 out of a ship designed to go warp 5!
By employing these methods, you could save approximately $438 each month! That’s like getting a new batch of Di lithium crystals for free! Unless, of course, you’ve already enacted these measures—then my advice may not warp-speed you to savings and will ultimately be worthless.
A rose by any other name.
AND NOW YOU KNOW!!!
Song in my head:
COMING NEXT: We boldly go where no column has gone before!
