Yes, you to can Ask Bob a Question!
Stephen will be happy to know that I am writing a column for the second week in a row! I’m also publishing it on Saturday instead of Sunday, because I’m tired of him getting all the attention on Saturday nights.
So about that global warming thing…
I was distracted last week when wrote about the Alien Politican Takeover Theory, but I never explained what actually caused global warming.
It’s not what you think.
It’s not what anyone thinks.
The truth is horrible and unspeakable.
I shouldn’t speak of it., since its unspeakable, But I must let this horrific truth be known to the masses (that’s you). Plus, I am writing this and not speaking it, it should be ok.
So what was the cause?
Was it millions of cows farting in pateurs?
Was it the burning of fossil fuels?
Was it large factories dumping tons of toxins in the air like a five year old peeing in a swimming pool?
I need to invite you all aboard my time machine to properly explain. The time machine in my mind.
When I first met Stephen, he accidently set a building on fire by flicking a still burning ash on the carpet of a business building. But the initial flames were not that caused by the burning carpet. It was a blast of flatulence from Stephen’s nasty ass.
You see, for some reason unknown to medicine, his farts produce a toxic mix of methane, chlorine, and bromine that is 1000 times the amount of methane of any known human fart machine. When that much methane comes in contact with anything that is burning, a flash fire erupts, similar to a construction worker hitting a gas pipe with a shovel while smoking a cigarette or some other substance that can be lit and smoked.
Unfortunately for humanity, these bursts of anal methane are not rare occurrences. Stephen farts at an average rate of 1 blast every 15 seconds. Combined with his chain smoking, he left a toxic trail of flames everywhere he went. Back when smoking was allowed in public places, you would find a trail of burning gas stations, department stores and restaurants everywhere Stephen went, as he casually smoked and farted his way thru town.
If you wanted to know where Stephen was, you could track a trail of burning wreckage and find him lickity-split, just-like-that!
But its not just the burning buildings sending smoke into the atmosphere that put us in the eve of destruction. The ozone layer was rapidly being destroyed because his flatulence contains both chlorine and bromine which goes into the atmosphere. This increases the effect of global warming. Also, the sky is bombarded by a constant unrelenting stream of methane released to the sky when he’s not smoking.
A group of scientists in the 80s studied the effects of Stephen on the atmosphere, which they called the “Stephen Effect”. They concluded one year of Stephen farts produced as much methane as all the cow farts from 1600 to 1999.
This only goes to show that Stephen is the root of all things bad. He’s not just an annoying, self-centered asshole, he’s slowly destroying the whole world!
But I still forgive him for all the damage he’s done, because that what friends do.
And now you know!
Song in my head: