Spamrider of the Apocalypse

By Spamrider of the Apocalypse

Our newest member to join our cast of Lunatics!

Spamrider of the Apocalypse is just some crazy dude who contacted us out of the blue one day claiming to be a time traveler. Neither me or Steve had ever heard of him before, so we don’t know if he’s ACTUALLY crazy or what, but he’s definitely weird.


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  • Trapped in Bob’s Closet: The Screenplay
    Announcer: On our last installment of Trapped in Bob’s Closet, Spamrider was able to type out a new message thanks to Don Knotts, The Professor from a real Gilligan’s Island existing in another universe where Dimension Lord Gary Coleman had previously schnizzled him from.  We now join Spamrider, Gary, and Melissa the old Chick Shit chick in Bob’s closet. Spamrider:  This cell phone charger works great, Gary!  Thanks for schnizzling Don Knotts over to make it…
  • Trapped in Bob’s Closet, Part 106
    So it turns out Gary Coleman is a Dimension Lord who can get out of Bob’s closet any time he wants and in fact comes and goes as he pleases. The old Chick Shit chick doesn’t talk much. I think she’s got shellshock from some of the things Bob did to her. I guess they don’t call it shellshock anymore. She’s got the PTSDQ. Anyway Gary Coleman schnizzled to an alternate universe where Gilligan’s Island…
  • Trapped in Bob’s Closet
    Somebody please help me. Bob has got me locked up in his closet. It’s dark and scary in here and it smells funny. In fact it smells like Bob. It smells like Bob if Bob were a truckload of sweaty gym socks and soiled underwear. Which he is. I can’t believe that son of a bitch locked me up in this closet. All for calling him a son of a bitch. And then he faked…
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    The New Devil’s Dictionary by Spamrider: Snooze Button (n):  An invention of the Devil created right after inventing the alarm clock.
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    New Devil’s Dictionary by Spamrider Satire:  [In an increasingly insane world this word has been rendered both obsolete and meaningless.  It is démodé.  Kaput.  Satire is utterly dead, my friends.  May it rest in rebellious peace.]
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    The New Devil’s Dictionary by Spamrider of the Apocalypse. Deregulation:  Complete eradication of corporate accountability.  Unbinding the hands which would strangle the earth.
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    The New Devil’s Dictionary by Spamrider of the Apocalypse. Asshole:  One who prides himself upon subjugating and treating others with derision and disdain.  A sub-category of energy vampire who specifically feeds off of agitation, anger, and hatred. Bitch (n):  A female asshole.
  • COMING SOON: The New Devils Dictionary
    Note from the editor: This week, my daughter noticed our dog making a ruckus out back and she goes out to investigate. Turns out, there was a big ugly possum out back. Don’t worry, she didn’t get hurt, because our dog is convinced that anything other than our family or himself in our backyard must be destroyed. Well, he tore up that possum real good and he was dead by the time she went out…
  • Spamrider is on Hiatus
    Please Stand By… If you’re reading this, it means The Spamrider of the Apocalypse is off in some alternate dimension, time period, or possibly just wandering through a reality that we can’t even comprehend. The ways of the Spamrider are mysterious, beyond the grasp of mere mortals like us, and thus, not to be questioned. All we can do now is wait patiently for his return… whenever that may be………………………………………………. But, a quick note: if…
  • Dear Bob
    Dear Bob, If you have received this message then that means something seriously fucked up has happened.  Again. In anticipation of this possibility I rigged up a mechanical quantum reality coherence infundibulator to funnel (aka synchro-cast) this message canister into your wife’s underwear drawer in the event of another timeline breach. If there has indeed been a timeline breach, and you are indeed reading this right now, right now being whenever and wherever you happen…
  • Zombie Routines
    So much of what we do we don’t even do. Our Zombie Routines do it for us. That is to say, much of the time we’re essentially on Autopilot. We routinely (see what I did there?) turn various basic daily life functions over to the Zombie Routines, aka the Routine Zombies. And after that the Zombies do it for us. And then we can forget all about it.  Which we do. The Routine Zombies are…
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    The New Devil’s Dictionary by Spamrider of the Apocalypse. Corporation:  A legal entity consisting of persons who have banded together in order to collectively escape personal responsibility for the commission of crimes for which if committed individually they would be hung out to dry.
  • Good News Bad News
    So I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is I’ve figured out why I wasn’t able to Jump in this Timeline, and also why and how I ended up here in the first place. Of course it turns out it was all your old Spamrider’s doing. Despite all his big talk, he saw what was coming and got scared shitless.  And then he figured out a way to bail out of this…
  • Beardos
    Interestingly in my old timeline it was regular Spock who had the goatee and mustache. Evil alternate universe Spock was clean shaven. At the same time almost everybody on Star Trek had a beard. Kirk had a bear, Bones had a beard, Picard had a beard. Even Uhura and Seven of Nine and Janeway had beards. The only person who never had a beard was Will Riker. They said it made him look too much…
  • The Loop Closes Itself
    I ran into Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible this week! I was drinking a Bloody Mary at a local bar when suddenly I heard this commotion.  When I saw who was at the center of it I literally couldn’t believe my eyes.  Schmelnoz had gotten drunk and was attempting to impregnate three humans at once, much to the chagrin of their husbands and wife. I quickly grabbed Schmelnoz and drug him out of the bar and back to my…
  • So Patience is a Virtue
    I just found out today that in this Timeline “Patience is a virtue” is actually a quite common expression. And I do have to say I think it’s a good one. In my timeline the expression used to be “Humility is a virtue.” Which I also thought was a good one. But you’ve got to understand what true humility really is. It’s essentially just being entirely open and honest about yourself, with yourself, and with…
  • Charlton Heston
    I was just looking up “Soylent Green” to see if it had been invented yet and I found out that in this timeline they actually made a movie out of it starring Charlton Heston. Now if that doesn’t just beat all. No matter how much I think I may have gotten used to this time/space rift thing invariably something like this comes along and throw me for a loop. In the world I remember Charlton…
  • The Future of Meat
    In the future of the timeline I remember meat was a rare commodity. Most of what you got was Meat Substitute, which was this artificial meat grown in mass quantities inside giant cow, pig, or chicken-shaped molds.  It varied in quality, and sometimes it actually wasn’t bad. But it ain’t meat. I’m not saying the Future I remember is necessarily the same as the Future we are currently heading towards. But just in case it is, you…
  • Kurt Russell
    I watched John Carpenter’s The Thing tonight.  I’ve seen it before, or at least I think I have. Great movie by the way. But that’s not why I watched it. I thought maybe seeing Kurt Russell might jar up some old memories of the things I apparently have written about here then subsequently forgotten. Nothing. But considering what I wrote about Kurt Russell, maybe that’s a good thing…
  • Well Done!
    Well done, alternate-timeline America! You’ve really gone and stepped in it this time. I really hope you’re proud of yourself. In fact, I know you are. We’ll just see how long that feeling lasts I guess. Bravo!
  • Musings on the Eve of Destruction
    You’re probably expecting me to say something about the election. It is the orange elephant in the room after all. In my old timeline we were facing the same horror shitshow. But come calamity or calm waters I figure the point is moot anyway because America has obviously lost its way somewhere along the line to have even put ourselves into this sort of situation in the first place. Again. So there you go, that’s…
  • Bob Only Knows
    So here’s the deal.  It’s apparently all out there anyway so I may as well come clean. Yes, I am a time traveler.  And I may or may not vaguely remember something about having a hitherto secret alien friend named Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible. But before now I never would have been stupid enough to write about any of that on the internet, even though I can tell at least half of what he told you…
  • Now Wait Just A Minute Here!
    Something is definitely not right. I’ve felt it for days now, but today I am sure. I just found out that fucking Cher is still alive! Which needless to say I found quite confusing.  Because in the world I remember Cher died in a tragic skiing accident sometime back in the late 1990s.  Before that she had become a politician. Also, I’ve been looking back over my past entries in this column, which is also…
  • What Phase Is This I Am In Again???
    I’m having a rare lucid moment right now so I figured I’d better post something real quick while I still can. I have no idea where it is I am going or if or when I’ll be back or if I’ll even be me anymore by the time I get there. Consider this a word to the wise before you go monkeying around with the laws of physics. Here I go again… Be seeing you!
  • The God Algorithm
    So Schmelnoz and I were hanging out drinking the other night (imagine that), and as he was passing out under my coffee table Schmelnoz kept muttering something about “The God Algorithm”. The next morning I asked him what the hell he was talking about and all he would tell me was that all the fundamental machinations of humanity are essentially being executed by quantum computer algorithms and that we have no idea the extent to…
  • The Firmata
    Nicholson Baker wrote a novel called The Firmata about a guy who could stop time. And, as most guys who could stop time would probably do, he largely just used his superpowers to take off women’s bras and panties.  But he also did all these funny little things to fuck with people, and if nothing else it’s a very entertaining, though often bordering on pornographic, book. But if you really think about it, it would…
  • Thirty Six Thousand Trillion Trillion Lumens
    That’s how much light the sun puts out. I read it on the internet so it must be true. Schmelnoz says that most of the interesting stuff happening in the universe at any given moment is happening in the wavelengths of light outside of human vision. That is to say, most of what is going on right in front of our eyes is invisible to us. And Schmelnoz says that is undoubtedly for the better…
  • Shit Sandwich
    They say when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. This always seemed sort of silly to me.  Mostly because I like lemons just fine. So what if life hands you a stinking pile of shit? What are you supposed to do then, make a shit sandwich? Funny thing is I once knew a guy who did exactly that. As a child he lived on a farm, and he had to walk to school every day. Since his family was poor…
  • Ask The Spamrider, Vol. 2
    So Bob has been wanting me to do another edition of Ask The Spamrider, the column where I answered letters from my so-called “fans”.  And God knows what Bob wants Bob gets.  Bob has this annoying way of relentlessly needling you, like a ravenous and bloodthirsty little mosquito you never can quite seem to swat.  At least he promised there would be no Doctor Who questions this time, so I guess at least that’s something.…
  • On Continuity
    From the fiction writer’s perspective continuity is merely an irksome expectation based upon an unfortunate misunderstanding of unreality.
  • Yet Still More Shit Schmelnoz Says
    Schmelnoz once told me that the Zippo lighter is the pinnacle of man’s creation. “Think about it,” he said. Actually he probably said something more like, “Surmise Spamrider upon the following megrim…” But as usual I’m transliterating here. So he said, “Think about it.  Instant fire in a little pocket-sized indestructible metal box.  If you humans had just quit while you were ahead the entire universe would be better off right now.” And at the…
  • Time in a Beer in a Bottle
    I tried Time in a Beer in a Bottle for the first time today. As an experienced Time Traveller not to mention drunkard it didn’t really do all that much for me to be honest. I can’t really say about the guy I shared it with though. I’m still combing through the history books trying to figure that part out. The Song In Bob’s Head
  • Quote of the Day + Shit Schmelnoz Says
    “Bene vixit, bene qui latuit.” -René Descartes (quoting Ovid) Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible says that when nobody knows who the hell you are then you can be anybody you want. Which I suppose is especially beneficial when even you don’t know who the hell you are.
  • The Turd Burglar
    So I just recently got back from my extended vacation visiting my Giant friends who dwell deep beneath the earth in the south of France. I visited them in the 27th century this time because their caverns are a lot easier to access then.  Giants basically live like forever so they’re essentially the same bunch of Giants whenever I visit them.  The only time it gets confusing is when they will refer to something which…
  • Himalayan Adventures
    I am returned. And just so everybody knows, I accidentally hit “send” too early whenever I sent that note back to Bob’s pickles.  Eggs.  Whatever. And I only had one shot. What the note should have said is, “No column this week, it is time-bound imperative that you do not publish any portion of this communication whatsoever, not even a single word or letter.  If you do, you risk causing a Time Rupture on Uranus. …
  • It is Time…
    This morning, I found a note by The Spamrider, behind the eggs in my fridge that just said, “No column this week, it is time.” I have no idea what that means. Perhaps he’s been recruited for some time traveling episode on another planet or perhaps he let his hair grow too long and it’s time for him to get a haircut… Who knows? -Bob S.
  • Terminated!
    In the words of another fictitional Time Traveller, “Fuck you, asshole!” No, no, no, that’s not it. It’s, “I’ll be back…”
  • Visits From Schmelnoz
    I’ve been getting fairly regular visits from Schmelnoz over the past several weeks, but it gets confusing as hell because I never know if he’s coming from the Past or from the Future. Very often neither one of us will have any idea what the other is talking about. So mostly we just drink.
  • Quote of the Day #3
    “I found myself involved in so many doubts and errors, that I was convinced I had advanced no farther in all my attempts at learning, than the discovery at every turn of my own ignorance.” -René Descartes, Discourse on the Method That right there is more than most people ever learn.
  • Aliens
    Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible at first could be described as bemused whenever he found out that us earthlings still refer to beings from other planets and star-systems as “aliens”. But when I told him that we also refer to our own kind from other countries as “aliens” his bemusement turned into shock and disgust. It isn’t often I’ve seen Schmelnoz actually get disgusted at anything.  The guy has pretty much seen it all. Or as he…
  • The Icing On The Cake
    I was just reading a news article where they used the expression “it’s like the icing on the cake”. Which got me to thinking. Who the hell eats cake with no icing??? The expression “the icing on the cake” as far as I know means something extra and unexpected in addition to something else which you already knew you were going to get anyway. It’s like the icing on the cake. Except it isn’t. Because…
  • I Probably Shouldn’t Even Be Telling You This
    But since it’s a scientifically proven fact that 99.44% of the time no matter what you say or do you cannot create a time paradox situation whereby you change the Past or the Future which you may or may not have previously inhabited*, here goes… THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS GOING TO BE YOU KNOW WHO! Yeah, that’s right, I said it. And now you can all quit bugging me about it. *This is to…
  • A Little Future History
    A Little Future History: That was the year the fascists suddenly won elections all over the earth.  When the liberals and moderates complained that the whole thing looked pretty fishy and needed to be investigated the fascists simply brushed them aside, reminding them about how they themselves had reacted with scorn and derision to the fascists’ own prior claims of election rigging.  When the liberals and moderates and everybody else tried to point out that…
  • The Cosmic Chili, Beer & Weed Fest
    The Cosmic Chili, Beer & Weed Fest is a celebration that is/was/will be held upon several select and unforgettable occasions and occurs/occurred/will occur at various locations throughout the entirety of traversable time and space.  It’s essentially a reoccurring and never-ending party, but a reoccurring and never-ending party that is organized and thrown by Time Travellers, so that you not only never know where the next one’s going to be held, you also never know when…
  • How Can You Be in Two Places at Once When You’re Not Anywhere at All?
    “Time is what you read off a clock.” -Albert Einstein The thing most people don’t understand about Time Travel is that you’re also travelling through space.  They picture you jumping—let’s say 20 years into The Future—and somehow just appearing in the same spot where you were originally standing. Except it’s not the same spot.  Because what most people are not realizing is that everything in our universe is constantly moving around, every thing relative to…
  • Ask The Spamrider
    In retaliation for my little funny Bob has been hounding me to do a question-and-answer edition of my column in order to recognize and show appreciation for some of the so-called “fan mail” he claims to have been receiving in my stead. And so, without further ado I present… Ask The Spamrider Dear Spamrider, What is it like to be a Time Lord? -Darryl from Poughkeepsie Dear Darryl from Poughkeepsie, I have no idea since…
  • Me Too!!!
    Me Too!!! After reading Melissa Paternik’s latest “Chick Shit” column I feel like I need to come clean about something. Bob Semitram and I have also been lovers for decades and I have personally borne seventeen of his time babies. Shocking, I know. What you probably don’t know is that Bob wasn’t just making shit up that time when he said he is a time traveler. Bob and I have literally been lovers throughout millennia.…
  • Reality or Delusion?
    I was drinking rum and Djarjar juice with Schmelnoz in the 17th dimension the other night—actually it was technically the 175/8ths dimension, but let’s not split hairs—and he said something that I’ve been thinking about ever since. He said it is well known among most interplanetary species that Earthlings (we may not capitalize it here but for some reason everybody else does) possess a unique ability to believe that which is contrary to the truth whenever the…
  • Diary of an Asshole
    5/23/24 Dear Diary, I don’t know what that life-support system of mine has been putting into itself lately, but judging by my breath the past two days I can only assume the worst. At this rate the damn thing’s going to get colon cancer by the time we’re 40, and then we’ll both be in trouble. But today I enacted a little revenge. I waited until it was on a big date with a female…
  • Afterburner
    Those ribs I ate last night were great but man do I have the rotten ass today! I can’t hardly stand to be around myself. My farts didn’t even smell this bad after the last Cosmic Chili, Beer and Weed Fest. Somebody should make a blog dedicated entirely to their ass. The whole thing could be written from the perspective of an anus. They could call it “Diary of an Asshole”.
  • On Knowing Shit 2: Electric Boogloo
    Although most people don’t like to admit it, the truth is there are some things out there we can just never know.  And I guess that’s where faith comes in. Because it is when you genuinely do not know and cannot know something that you get to choose what you are going to believe. (I say “genuinely” because a lot of times when people claim to not know something it is only because they have…
  • On Knowing Shit
    As near as I can tell the world is just a big mystery that mankind will forever be trying to solve.  Or more likely, will kill ourselves trying to solve. We unearth the relics of ancient civilizations because we want to understand our past. To the stars we look for our future. And meanwhile we meddle with everything in-between because we want to understand everything there is to know, thereby hoping to ultimately rule our…
  • Everything Matters
    It just doesn’t matter today.

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