Coming up: Flo tells me to, “eat my shorts!”
For those new to this column, I’m Bob Senitram. I am the technical director of “TheWeirdcrap.com” and “My Strange Stories.com.” TheWeirdcrap.com has been around for 14 years, and has had a faithful following of about 25 people. At our current fan-base rate, we should be getting a million visitors in about, oh, I don’t know…around the year 2525.
At current advertising rates, that should earn us about $150.00. And all we have to do is keep it going for another 125 years. Let’s see, I pay about $5 a year for a domain name and about $19 a year for a server…$24 a year for 125 years. We’ll I’m no accountant, but I’m pretty sure we come out ahead!
We’ll I’ve been writing this column for many years, and well. The well has run dry. I got no more entertaining stories!
Here’s what happened.
I moved out of my parent’s home when I was about 20 and immediately started doing stupid sh*t that became funny stories at parties. It wasn’t intentional, I’m just kinda foolish when I drink, and when I was young I drank a lot…thus, the plethora of strange mishaps. Anyways, I kept on doing stupid stuff until I was about 35. Then I started TheWeirdcrap.com and started writing about all the stupid crap I did when I was younger. Now 15 years later, I basically ran out of material.
The only way to get good material is to become an alcoholic again and let nature take its course. But I have a job that makes me do math and logic and formats and what not, AND I got kids to take care of…so that’s a no-go.
I could stop the column all together, but shutting down TheWeirdcrap.com just because I don’t have quality material is counter-intuitive, basically because we’ve NEVER had quality material.
Soooooo, instead of trying to produce WAY past my prime, like Mick Jagger, I shall take the path of Barry Manilow and re-do everything I did when I was young.
So that’s that.
Here’s one of my favorites from when my brain was fertile and full of alcohol:
Marty from Morgantown West Virginia writes:
bob..i need your help, my butt itches. now normaly if my butt itches i just scratch it and wipe my fingers on the dog..and thats that, but lately my butt itches all the time, even after i scratch it, and scratch it, and scratch it, ive tried softer toilet paper, ive tried preperation h, i even tried washing my butt more often, but nothing helps cmon bob your my last hope.
Dear Marty, you are suffering from what is known in the health care industry as CBIS (Chronic Butt Itch Syndrom). Most health care professionals would suggest that you are suffering from a hygiene issue and well, basically, you need to clean up your act. However, they know as well as I, THIS WILL NOT SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM!
To truly solve your problem, first we must understand the cause of the problem. As unlikely as it may seem, your problem started tens of thousands of years ago, so please be patient as I explain the origins of the chronic butt itch syndrome.
In my critically acclaimed book, “Feces of the Gods” (A follow up to my other critically acclaimed book, “Water Towers of the Gods”), I provide microscopic evidence that dinosaur feces contain a consistent level of small pebbles in their feces samples. I have come to the non-disputable conclusion that many post-Jurassic dinosaurs ate small pebbles deliberately.
Upon close examination, it was found that these pebbles had remnants of tiny-tiny microorganisms much smaller than any micro-organisms that exist today. I propose that these organisms are still responsible for the cronic butt-itch, today. The reason that the tiny organisms I call “Crobutich” make the butt itch is simple to explain – they are not from this planet.
You see, although, they can exist in Earth organisms, they very much desire the alien feces that were present during their evolution; however, once an earth-organism is infected, the “Crobutich” continuously wiggle and squiggle their way in the intestines looking for that sacred green-martian-poo. It is never found, so they wiggle around endlessly until they die.
By now you may be wondering how these alien microorganisms came to the planet Earth.
Millions of years ago, an asteroid fell to earth. Well it didn’t kill the dinosaurs or wipe out the planet, but it did have a hollow inside that was jam packed with alien spider eggs. The inside was protected from the heat of atmospheric entry. And once it hit ground, millions and millions of alien space-spiders came crawling out, and they had little “people-heads” that tilted right and left saying, “Me-me, me-me, me-me, me-me.”
The horrible crobutitch’s lived in the bowels of these alien space-spiders. When the spiders died, they went into the ground and ended up on plants. I suspect these spiders gave rise to modern day spiders, much less intelligent than their alien ancestors.
But that’s a different story.
Turns out the Crobutitch, thrive on earth plant life, and have been living, undetected, on Earth plants to this very day. So when we eat the plants we also get infected. Once infected, the tiny space-organisms realize that they are in an organism’s bowel, and they start wiggling and squiggling looking for that sacred green-martian-poo.
Which leaves us to wonder about the asteroid that fell to Earth?
Under normal circumstances, that particular asteroid would have never bumped into our planet; however, thanks to that bumbling fool, Stephen Johnson, it did. And now we all get the chronic butt itch.
Here’s what happened.
As many of you may know, I’ve been dabbling in the art of time travel. We’ll it just so happened, that yesterday…last week…twenty years ago, I was just about finished on my first proto-type. It’s not as complicated as you may think, but there’s a lot of parts and takes a novice like myself a good 20 years to complete.
By the way, I just googled it and got instructions.
So I started on my prototype yesterday and finished in 2034. Then I traveled back to 1994 and gave myself the plans and went to work. Then, twenty years later (2014 – yesterday) I was finished!
Anyways in 1997 Stephen Johnson snuck into my time portal to see if he could get it to work so he could go back in time and smoke the cigarette that he just smoked. Because the time portal’s controls were not complete, he went back in time all right, but with no controls and he ended up millions of years in the past.
He stepped out just in time to see two aliens walk out of a spacecraft, skip down a path, holding hands and sat by a nearby cliff. Their helmets leaned next to each other while they enjoyed the brilliant sun set and our giant moon.
That’s when stupid bastard (Stephen Johnson) entered the space craft to get a light for his cigarette. Being the numb-skull that he is, he headed right toward the control panel and started switching and pulling levers hoping to find a car-like cigarette lighter.
The ship shot into space in an instant, while the Alien lovers pointed at it in the night sky, not knowing it was their ship. It ran straight into an asteroid which got knocked into a path toward the Earth. After that, the spiders crawled out and the rest is butt-scratching history.
Stephen must have hit auto-pilot by accident and the ship returned to Earth and the Aliens never knew it was gone. Then Stephen went back to the time portal and ended up in 1927 Earth, where I found him floating in a banana boat. The portal was ruined and lost and I had to start all over again, so I’m not finished anymore. I had to start all over again in 1997, so it should be done in 2017.
So thanks to Stephen, my time machine is still not finished and the world suffers from cronic butt itch!
Now for the solution to your problem:
There are two ways to cure this. First you can put small objects in your rectal area. Marbles or thumb tacks seem to work pretty well. The foreign objects get in the way of the squiggling and wiggling and soon the micro-disco dance party is over. Sort of like when the neighbor calls the cops on your ass because your web site partner is puking on your neighbor’s car.
The other method is to take large volumes of laxatives. This causes you to literally, “…rain on their parade.” Once again, the microorganisms leave.
Recently I tried the laxative method. I ended up going to the bathroom so much that by butt went from itching to severe burning.
I decided to borrow some lotion from a fellow employee. Boy, did she give me a funny look when I took it and ran to the bathroom! But I didn’t care, I was in pain.
And now you know.