Russian Spy Goats

Teikei44, asks:

“Why do the Russian Spy Goats always put out our fire, otherwise known as a traumazization???”

A: . 
Good Question! Actually traumazization is not a misspelling of traumatization, it is a term used to describe the nervousness that is felt by a pyromaniac every time he/she uses a Zippo lighter to light a cigarette. . This is basically the only ill effect that someone can experience from smoking cigarettes, because smoking is refreshing, makes your breath smell good, and it’s just good for you (makes you alive with pleasure).

Recent studies (by recent I mean less than 100 yrs old) have shown that cigarettes are actually healthy and give you an abundance of energy! Throw away that Ginseng and open up a pack of healthy, revitalizing smokes.

“Russian Spy Goats” are not actually Goats at all, but the term came from the Soviets using one of their natural resources (goats) to spy on their citizens. Actually they got the idea form the good old U.S. of A.!

You see back in the late 50’s, early 60’s the FBI planted observation devices in all televisions sets…you know, to keep an eye on things. That made perfect sense since almost every US home had a television. We could be fed propaganda and spied on at the same time. The television was the perfect medium.

However, the Soviets were not so fortunate. In the 60’s only about 7% of the Soviet population had televisions. But 96% of the Soviet population had Goats. Even people who lived in apartments in big cities had goats. I guess they really like fresh milk in Russia.

Anyway, they didn’t have the technology to replace the goat eyes with cameras or anything like that, but they did put little receivers on the license tags that were issued by the government. It didn’t work very well, and the receivers were not very small. They were about the size of an apple.

Go figure, people started throwing away the giant receivers because they weighed the goats down and looked ugly. When someone threw the receiver away it would have to be replaced. Soon officials would have to visit the house issue another license tag for the goat, and a week later it would end up in the garbage. The Soviets replaced so many of these receivers that it stimulated the economy, which created additional funding which was used to fund the Soviet Space program.

Thus something totally unrelated to the result was the cause of the result. Seemed kind of tricky. And since spies are generally tricky, the process became a policy known as “Russian Spy Goats,” the policy of initiating a series of events that are unrelated to the result, yet cause the result.

Now, how do Russian Spy Goats put out our fires?

I’ll give you an example, Russia was afraid the people may stage a revolt in the U.S., and as a result of the chaos, nuclear missiles might get shot at Russia, and also Americans would end up more patriotic. The solution, plant agents in Texas and have them write a series of harmless newspaper articles suggest the rights of Texans are being trod upon and mention Texas would be better off, if it were a separate country.

By predicting the actions of the mindless bafoons that live in the area, it was easy to set the stage for a small, poorly thought out revolution that was doomed to fail. That way the rest of the population would say, “Boy I can’t believe these guys were stupid enough to take on the U.S.!” Thus, at this point no one would ever consider staging another Waco, Texas incident, let alone a whole revolution.

The result, Russian Spy Goats create a safer Russia and also puts out any potential future revolutionary fires in the U.S.A.

Just one example of how Russian Spy Goats have put out one of our fires.

And now you know.

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Bob Senitram

Webmaster and editor of I obtained a bachelor's degree in micro-biology around the turn of the century but was quickly tracked down and forced to return it to its rightful owner and pay a $25 fine. *** A fan of science fiction, I started this website in 1999 as a portal for science fiction stories that have never been published. *** Completely devoid of talent, I decided to call on the public to supply content. Shortly afterwards Stephen and I started writing weekly columns and have continued to this day.

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