This weeks visitor mail included mutha-fucka’s and sunflowers!
Ask Bob a question here.
From Cindy, “Hey Bob! My name is Cindy and I’m from Minnesota! I like chichiwas and ramen noodles. My question: Lately sunflowers have been eerie on my mind, why?”
Dear Cindy: Well with holloween just around the corner that is understandable. You see, summer is just about to end, and the thoughts of raking leaves and spice tea is just around the corner. Sunflowers represent summer. Obvious to say, as the days grow shorter the sunflowers will stop blooming.
What’s not so obvious is their source. People are attracted to sunflowers because we all come elements that were formed by stars, which makes us all star children. So the sunflower is a tribute to our beginings. Sunflowers are more directly related to the stars as they were brought to earth by some stoned Aliens during their unfortunate stay in Nebraska.
You see, long ago aliens crash landed in Nebraska and while they waited for their craft to be repaired, they had a nice picnic with some Nebraska locals. Those locals brought some weed and they got high and munched on their picnic food. This was during the cowboy days and during that stay, they tossed out some old batteries (which is where batteries came from). And they munched on some sunflower seeds that they had brought from their home planet.
The locals liked ’em so much they asked if they could have a bag and the aliens said, “Why not? Can we have some of that sweet wacky-tobacci?” So they gave up their last bag of sunflower seeds in exhange for some sweet weed. After the aliens left, the locals thought, hey, maybe we could plant some of these seeds and see if they grow.
The rest is sunflower history, but don’t worry Cindy, they’ll be back next year!
Jason askes, “I was on my way to a local bar, with my friend Dimitri, when a car cut him off and he shouted, “Did you see that! He cut me right off…THAT MAN IS THE MOTHER-FUCKER!” He’s a real hot-head. But that’s beside the point. I thought, “The Mother-Fucker? There’s only one?” I was under the impression that the world was full of mother-fuckers, but according to Dimitri…There can be only one.”
Is this true?
Dear Jason: Dimitri is partially correct.
There are many wanna-be mutha-fucka’s in the world, but few true mutha-fucka’s.
Which reminds me of Chris. In college, I had a friend who was from a slavic nation (I won’t say which). But when he got really mad at someone, he’d say…”God Damn it, that son-of-a-bitch is THE MOTHER-FUCKER!” But he didn’t say that often, only if he was really mad.
I recall hearing him argue with his girlfriend one day.
Mary: “I don’t know what your so mad about, this is all your fault! I told you not to put a raw egg in the radiator to fix that leak. I told you to take it to a mechanic…but nooooo, you had this stupid wise-tale from you dumb-ass homeland and now its worse than before and the car smells like rotten eggs!”
Chris: “You can’t go running to a mechanic evertime the car has a problem, I just tried to fix it without spending $200. You’d think you’d appreciate the effort, but no. Not you. You don’t appreciate anything, that is why your…”
Mary: “Don’t you dare say it…”
Mary: “I’m warning you, you’ll be sorry…”
Chris: “I’m already sorry…sorry I’m dating THE MOTHER-FUCKER!”
Girlfriend: “Oooooooooh, you know what you are? I’ll tell you what you are, your nothing but a God-Damn, Son-of-a-Bitch!”
Chris: “Better to be a son of bitch than the god-damn MOTHER-FUCKER!”
That’s when I broke in, “I guess we all have a little mutha-fucka and son-of-a-bitch in us…heh, heh…don’t you think?”
Chris and Mary: “Shuttup Bob!”
Me: “Okay, I guess, I’ll juuuust head home…maybe we can catch that movie some other time…”
Chris: “It’s ok, we can still go…it will be fun time.”
Mary: “Well count me out. Just leave.”
Chris: “No problem…”
Mary: “Go then, just leave me, lying here…’cause I don’t wanna go.”
So we left, but we went to a bar and never saw that movie.
Which got me thinking…maybe there’s a way to separate the wanna-be mutha-fuckas from the true mutha-fucka’s?
And I came up with a solution…
AND NOW YOU KNOW!
Song in my head: