Lunatic Ravings beach pic

Lunatic Ravings

By Stephen Johnson

I don’t care what your weatherman says, Stephen is the first blogger in the world with the first column published in 1999.

We’ve been writing our columns since 1999 and still nobody reads them…but they just keep coming!


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  • The Journey To HR, Part 15!
    “And you want to file a complaint because of THAT?” she asked as she continued kicking the guard in and around his groin. “Well……yes?” I answered as I tried to get some distance between us. Not quick enough because soon enough she was repeatedly kicking me in and around my groin area. This caused another long line of poo to…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 14!
    “YOU IDIOT!” She jumped up from the floor and shoved me back against one of those three walls. “Do you seriously believe that I would even think that Bob was the type of person to have a PERIOD? He’s a man!” “Well, a man-child…..” She ran backwards around the room as I tried to pry myself from the sticky wall.…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 13-A!
    As soon as I exited the small room the lady grabbed me by the throat and threw me against one of the four walls. “Well?” she asked as she held me against one of those walls with one of her two elbows sunk deeply into my one throat. “What did Bob do?” I looked around to see of there was…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 13!
    So I knocked and knocked on that little door, but no answer on the other side. With nothing better to do I decided to do some more business. Picked up the litter box, shook it around a bit so my previous leavings were safely positioned in one of the corners, squatted down and did some more leavings. Forgot I was…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 12!
    She ran past me with the axe and buried it in the head of a security guard who was guarding a tiny doggy door in the corner of the office. Funny that I hadn’t noticed him or that before. The guard fell, blood from his head squirting every which way. “Now, get in there and do your business before I…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 11!
    She shot the little person. Who exploded in a festive festival of glitter. “Why you do that?” I asked as my bowels decided to release some more gooey fury. She put away the gun, shut the drawer and stared at me. “Do you now remember what Bob did?” she finally asked. “NO!” She sighed and started to clean out one…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 10!
    “Yes. I want to file a complaint about Bob,” I said while transfixed by the pencils dangling from her nostrils. She removed one of the pencils, studied the end that had been embedded in a nostril and then licked it clean. “What did he do now?” she asked as she removed the other pencil and did the same as the…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 9!
    “Well, hello there poopy man!” said the little person. It was the same kid from the store, but this time his head seemed to be a little crooked, almost like someone had karate chopped him in the neck. He lifted up the visor of the welding mask he was wearing and smiled at me. When he saw my look and…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 8!
    The clown was acting a little bit odd, hopping on each foot like he had to…… “Pee! I have got to pee!” he yelled. “I pooped in my pants!” I yelled back. “Sorry, but even with this pee, I just got to stop you from advancing any further!” With that I performed a rather stellar deep, full-throttle turbo corkscrew kick…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 7!
    (NOTE: I noticed in my last opus I typed “it’s head” a couple times. It should be “its head”. I guess I could go back and correct it, or you could just re-read it again now knowing the error of my ways. Proofread before I post? Me? HAH!) So….. Giant fire pit. Bunch of people dancing around it, some in…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 6!
    Quite the large bear, it was. If it was on all fours, maybe it wouldn’t have seemed so big. But it wasn’t. Nope, that sucker was on its hind legs. See? HUGE!!!! It was also twirling a sign. “CHECK OUT THE NEW CAFETERIA!” the sign read. Well, I think it did. The bear was twirling that sign too fast. I…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 5!
    “Brap zippy-zip-zip flong ZAP!” screamed the little person as he pulled the trigger. “Now you’re DEAD!” I felt nothing. Of course not. It was a toy gun. “Lay down! Act like you’re DEAD!” I did not. “Act like you’re dead or I’m going to tell my mommy!” I walked a little bit closer. “Bob? Bob Senitram is that you?” “I’m…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 4!
    “Eric Stratton, rush chairman. Damn glad to meet you!” I replied to that disembodied voice. “Eric! Can you spare a buck or two?” This came from behind a pile of boxes. The boxes moved around a bit and a large man rose up. He was wearing a security uniform. “What do you need a couple bucks for?” “To feed the…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 3!
    And there it was! Headquarters! No shiny high-rise here though. Just a one-story building that used to be home to a Build A Mole store. For some reason, the previous tenants thought that since kids liked building bears, they sure as heck would just love building moles. They were quite wrong and our overlords were able to get the building…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 2!
    Figured I would hit a nearby store to find something to spray on the back of my pants in case any poop smell was wafting from down there, but discovered some people can be so rude! While walking through the store trying to find some scents, I walked by a little boy shopping with his mom. When I passed he…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 1!
    When I went to Headquarters so I could speak to our HR Department, is saw a nearby store that sold shelving was hiring so I decided to take the plunge and get a real job for awhile. Plus, I was looking for some shelving for the homestead and figured I could get an employee discount. So I went in, found…
  • What’s In My Mouth?
    “THEY EAT THEIR OWN POOP WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT! Just like Stephen.” Excuse me? Just discovered a chunk of something in my mouth. Have no idea what it is, went ahead and swallowed it. Haven’t eaten anything yet today, did my weekly brushing of the teeth so it must be remnants of something old. Should still be nutritious. Looking around…
  • No Robots, But Fubbles!
    Robots? Someone is writing about ROBOTS??!! At least when you come here you know you’ll get full-on reality. Got some Fubbles for the cats, but they really didn’t care much about the bubbles floating in the air. Instead, they waited for them to land on the floor where they burst and then they just sat there wondering where the bubbles…
  • Elephant Stampede!
    It snowed again this week. I had the woman shovel the driveway since I was busy watching “Tarzan Goes To India”. That is all. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • He Doesn’t Step In For Me…….
    So, it snowed here. Figured I might as well make myself useful and shovel a path on the driveway and the sidewalk leading to the front door since I’m expecting a package or two from Amazon. But, I couldn’t find my snow shovelin’ gloves! Asked the woman where they were and she asked if she was the keeper of my…
  • Resolutions And Other Stuff
    Well, here I am again. Took a couple weeks off, hung with Bob at Walmart even though the friction between us is at a boiling point. You know, because of that pube movie thing. But he just doesn’t remember it. It’s all because of that stinking Acapulco Gold crap he constantly smokes. He knows there’s friction, just doesn’t know why.…
  • Just In Time For The Holidays…….ANGER!
    So angry right now! It’s not that my plan to fill all of Bob’s underpants with talcum powder so that when he’s in court and farts a bit of the white powder shoots out and then everyone will point and laugh at the gassy guy is not a great plan and probably something that I’ve already done without him knowing,…
  • There’s A Problem, Of Course There Is!
    Oh, boy! Sometimes things don’t go exactly as planned. Wires must have been crossed since it’s not Russel Crowe that’s interested in playing the pube, but some guy with the name of Ruzzle Cro. Seems he’s a wannabe gangsta rappa that comes from a small town in Connecticut. That’s not going to work. In order for the pube to have…
  • This Is What Happens (Don’t Tell Bob!)
    Some of you just might be thinking…… “Well, Bob’s smart, right? If he represents himself in court, he’ll most surely win because he’s…..smart?” I could see why some of you might think that. He’s short and shorter people are generally smarter than taller ones. That’s a well known scientific fact. Look it up. Just remember that there’s street smart and…
  • I Hit Back!
    Shhhhhh…….don’t tell Bob. Seems like there’s a lot of interest in the pubic hair story. Word going around is Russell Crowe is very interested in playing the pube. Should be compelling! Now I just have to put pen to paper to flesh out the story a bit more. Maybe get a writing partner which would enable use to toss ideas…
  • Someone Thinks It’s All About Him
    So, Bob got wind of that call I had with Hollywood and he was none too pleased. “You went behind my back with this? It was my pubic hair!” “Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’ve all heard the story. You had a crush on some female cashier at Hy-Vee, went in early one morning and picked up stupid stuff just so you…
  • Hashing Out Story Ideas!
    “So you want to make a movie about a talking pubic hair that goes on a rampage and starts killing teens?” “That’s basically it.” “Kills them at a camp?” “No, I think that’s been done a few times before.” “Kill babysitters on one of those spooky days?” “No, think that’s been done before as well.” “Space kills?” “No, those generally…
  • New Opus?
    “Seriously?” I asked. “Hollywood has nothing new to offer so they want to make a movie about a rogue pubic hair?” “Not only that, but you need to check this out!” Bob shrieked as he pulled something out of his pocket. And there it was in his hand. That pubic hair. Only now…… “Is it moving?” I asked as I…
  • Done Pummelin’!
    I scooped up a chunk vomit from the welcome mat and threw it in Bob’s face. “Yummy,” he said as he forced his way in. “So, what’s this all about?” I asked as a chunk of vomit fell from his face unto the floor. Both Slaits and the kittens ran over to the vomit and fought over who would get…
  • No Pummelin’!
    I had no idea what the deal was with the pen and paper. “This is getting old. Now what do you want?” I asked. “Oh, you know,” he replied while writing something on the paper. Suddenly there was a skipping sound behind me and Slait smiled. “Another me??!! How cool!” he exclaimed. I turned around and, yep, there was that…
  • Even Less Pummelin’!
    I could tell the the barracuda was quite angry by the way it thrashed around. “Jeez, what do you want now?” I asked. “Oh, you know,” he replied while trying to hold onto the slippery fish. Suddenly there was a shuffling behind me and Slait’s eyes widened. “Kittens??!! How cute!” he exclaimed. I turned around and, yep, there were those…
  • Less Pummelin’!
    That barrel of kittens was positively cute. “What do you want now?” I asked with no feeling whatsoever. “Oh, you know,” he replied brandishing the barrel in a gentle yet frightening way. Suddenly there was a shuffling behind me and Slait’s eyes widened in due diligence. “What is THAT?” he asked in a resigned sort of way. I turned around…
  • More Pummelin’!
    Those boomerangs were suggestively sharpened. “W-w-w-w-w-w-hat do you want?” I asked with tonally abject fear. “Oh, you know,” he replied brandishing those boomerangs in a stunningly objective way. Suddenly there was a clatter behind me and Slait’s eyes widened in unabashed unease. “W-w-w-w-w-w-hat is THAT?” he asked in a dumbfounded way. I turned around and there was Jerome minus a…
  • Pummelin’!
    Those butter knives were positively gleaming. “W-w-w-w-w-w-hat do you want?” I asked with totally abject fear. “Oh, you know,” he replied brandishing those knives in a brutally obtuse way. Suddenly there was a clatter behind me and Slait’s eyes widened in unadulterated horror. “W-w-w-w-w-w-hat is THAT?” he asked in a flabbergasted way. I turned around and there was Jerome and…
  • Transplantin’!
    The year was 1971. I had just seen a documentary film in a local theater that got me to thinking about stuff that I could file away for future use. This doc was simply incredible. It told the story of a man that had an additional head transplanted on his body. Why they did this, I have no idea but…
  • I Fess Up!
    If you read Bob’s latest (and who does), he mentions us going someplace in Illinois to check out a water tower where I came up with the brilliant idea to scrub off all the paint and what Bob thought and still thinks was the city name. What’s funny is that it wasn’t a city name. What was written on the…
  • I’m Not Gone (Or Daid)
    Hello! Stephen here. Yes, I’m alive. I took the week off from writing a column since there was something I needed to take care of. Less than 15 minutes after my deadline had passed, I received this email: “Just checking in.  No column for this week? That’s NOT ok.” Well, it’s pretty hard to write a column when you’re in…
  • RIP Jerome
    It is with a heavy heart that we share the rather amusing news of Jerome’s sudden and tragically comic passing. We have plenty of words to express the bearable loss and describable pain since it’s most probably gas. This outcome was completely expected and has left us all feeling great cheeriness. We’re going to eat lots of cheese! His older…
  • Testing Paused!
    Had to take a slight pause on my money-making venture. Since I didn’t want to do what Jerome requested, he went ahead and did it himself. Now, because he doesn’t have the semi-scientific mind nor a laboratory like I have things went horrible wrong. He found a Target cart and went into the woods with a bag of Ho Ho…
  • The First Test
    Before that idea from last week starts churning out the $$$, testing needs to be done. In comes Jerome!!!! I just had to give him a call, mention Ho Hos and he immediately came over to the lab (okay, my basement). He sat on the floor eating chocolaty tubes as I explained what was going to happen. Since I don’t…
  • I…..Have…..An……Idea Again!
    This will make some serious money! All we’ll need is a bus, a case or two of Ho Hos and the quickest route to Philadelphia. We’ll drive around Philly until we find a batch of those people on the Zombie Drug. We will need those that are still standing, but bent over with their arms gently swaying back and forth.…
  • I Correct Bob. Again.
    Good ole Bob! Getting something I said completely wrong. AGAIN! If you read his last column, he claims I said this: “Buy a gun and commit crimes. I heard there’s big money in robbin’ banks and convenient stores and what-not.” Now, that’s a quote taken directly from his column. And this is what I actually said: “Don’t buy a gun…
  • See, What Happened Was…..
    I missed posting last week…… See, what happened was this: The lady decided she needed to get away from me for awhile so I decided that it would be a great time to get on the roof and trim some of those branches hanging over, well, the roof. Doesn’t matter that I have an abject fear of heights, I just…
  • I Get These Thoughts…….
    “If there’s a writers’ strike, why do I still have to write something every week?” “Because you, dear sir, are NOT a writer!” There were five things I had to do on the internet this morning but I can only remember four of them. That’s why I hate taking showers. The rare times I do, I always come up with…
  • What Happened At The Verizon Store?
    What happened at the Verizon store? Glad you asked. She was pretty mellow on the driver over, but when they told us that they could not change ownership at the store (even though that’s what the lady on the phone said we must do), that mellowness disappeared. For some unknown reason, that day she decided to dress up as a…
  • Maybe When She Gets Ill?
    Would tell you about what happened at the Verizon store, but that will just have to wait. The woman is now fine. Her “episode” lasted until Wednesday of this week and, after all the cleanup, all is normal. Well, kind of. I had warned her that I had heard that it wasn’t that good even though it (somehow) made a…
  • She Went Insane
    The lady of the house went insane watching “Judge Judy” so now we have to go to the Verizon store and switch ownership. Don’t know why she went insane watching that show, but she took a boysenberry pie and threw it against the wall all while levitating about eight feet off the ground. I asked her what was wrong but…
  • Now I’m A Fan I Guess?
    “I take a seat, it’s a tight fit…….”. That’s pretty funny. It’s not like Bob CAN’T fit nicely into a cat litter box, no matter its size. See, he’s a tiny man! But that’s not the big thing here. I guess I’m going to have to backtrack on my Taylor Swift thoughts because I recently saw an article about how…
  • Long Movies Are Great!
    Bob’s in jail! All because of me!! See, Bob wrote a “sitcom” last week and that’s a big no-no because of the strike. Now he’s in writer’s jail! Some people might think that’s a bit harsh due to all of our history, but I can’t count how many times he’s had me sent to jail since I really can’t count.…
  • Watched Two More
    Lost the use of arms for a bit this past week, so decided to watch “Rocky 3” and “Rocky Vs. Drago” even though I still had most of my face missing since some of it had grown back, and still had no use of my legs. I was a bit surprised at the new cut of “Rocky IV” because they…
  • Movies That Make Me Cry
    I was playing around with the chip app this past week, forcing Bob to watch only news channels and then I fell asleep. When I woke up around 2 pm, I discovered that one of the cats had chewed off my face and I no longer had use of my legs. So I watched the first two Rocky movies and…
  • Did It REALLY Happen Or Was It…………The Chip App??!!
    If you read Bob’s last post (and why wouldn’t you?), you can see that the chip in his head is working just fine! He never fell down a sump pump hole at a tuba joint. He just thought he did, thanks to my chip app! He doesn’t drive since he’s too short but thinks he does, thanks to my chip…
  • Rescued!!! What Really Happened!
    Go ahead and read Bob’s last post, “Rescued!!!” Now I’m going to tell you about my little secret or two from that night. This was the night that Bob told his famous Afghanistan Pecan Pie joke. If done right (I think), this joke can last for a good 30 minutes or so. When the punchline came, I thought it was…

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