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Lunatic Ravings

By Stephen Johnson

I don’t care what your weatherman says, Stephen is the first blogger in the world with the first column published in 1999.

We’ve been writing our columns since 1999 and still nobody reads them…but they just keep coming!

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  • The Journey To HR, Part 31!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “So?” asked the HR lady. “How did he take it?” “Not well. Not well at all,” I replied, gleefully rubbing my palms against my sweaty thighs. Star Child Two zipped around the room, until he too began rubbing his palms gleefully against my sweaty thighs. And then he started on my loins. “Aren’t you worried about any repercussions?” it asked…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 30!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Quick!” shouted the HR lady. “You have to do it now!” “Do what?” “BEAT HIM!” “Who? Star Child Two? I mean, he did say I was kind of…sexy.” “NO! Come on, idiot boy! BEAT BOB!” “You mean……” “YES!” “NOW?” “Yessssssssssssss!” “Okay. Say, what’s your name?” “Nevermind. Do it. DO IT!” As I prepared to “do it” I looked up at…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 29!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Know what?” I asked as I placed the crazy wig on my bleeding head. “I don’t know?” asked the HR lady. “Is that a question? Do you really not know? A minute ago it seemed that you DID know and now you’re acting like maybe you do know, but there’s also that possibility that you DON’T know and….say, do you…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 28!
    by Stephen Johnson
    And that’s what Star Child Two did. It licked my head. Unlike a cat’s groovy tongue, Star Child Two’s tongue was covered in teeny tiny razor blades. It licked and licked and those glorious locks of my full head of hair began falling to the ground. “Just a little off the top,” I said, probably trying to be humorous. It…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 27!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “I shall be known as Star Child Two,” said the orb. “Should it be ‘the orb’ or ‘The Orb’?” I asked, really wanting to know. It thought for a moment and then starting waving around its tiny T-Rex arms. “Did you not hear what I said?” “Well, I did but……” “CALL ME STAR CHILD TWO!” it yelled in its tiny,…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 26!
    by Stephen Johnson
    After the door closed, I sat in the same position for over an hour, still slightly drooling. Finally, I came to my sense. “Did that really happen?” I asked the HR lady. “It did. It really, really did!” “I no longer have to poop!” I said while squeezing to see if something DID come out. “You’re going to be a…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 24!
    by Stephen Johnson
    The faint knocking grew louder. “Are you going to answer the door?” asked the HR lady. “Me?” “No, the pink rabbit you stupid, stupid fool,” she answered. I couldn’t tell if she was kidding. It was really hard trying to pry my hands away from DOWN THERE. Don’t know why. Not like I was har… The pink rabbit answered the…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 23!
    by Stephen Johnson
    ….I passed out. As I lay there (I think), breathing in that sweet, tangy Lysol scent, I was reminded of that time that…. No. I won’t go there. I removed my hands from DOWN THERE. Now was not the time. I thought about doing that HR lady trick and tried to rip myself from my current body. Tried as I…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 22!
    by Stephen Johnson
    There was a horrible, slurpy tearing sound. I looked at the prone body of the HR lady and that’s where the sound was coming from. The body moved. I thought she was coming out of her silly faint. Instead, her body tore apart and the HR lady climbed out of herself. She was a bit shorter. Obviously. “Hurry,” she said.…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 21!
    by Stephen Johnson
    I answered the phone, as you sometimes should do. “Yes?” I asked in as timid a voice as possible, just in case this was a scammer. “Is this Stephen Johnson?” “Yes?” in that still timid voice. “Hey there! This is Cornelius Sproot with [redacted]! Got your email about that thing you designed and we’re very intrigued!” “Oh?” “YES! This will…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 20!
    by Stephen Johnson
    When I woke up, there was no millipede. I also wasn’t hanging upside down. But it felt like something was being jabbed into each armpit. I looked down and saw the HR lady. She had me suspended in the air with two broomstick handles jabbed into those armpits. She walked around the office holding onto the bottom of the broomsticks,…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 19!
    by Stephen Johnson
    It felt like it had legs. I could feel those legs tickling my throat so I took a deep breath, and hocked myself a loogie. Most of the phlegm just dripped into my eyes, but I did see something else fly out of my mouth before I was blinded. “Lordy, lord! I am now blind!” I yelled for no particular…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 18!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Yep. I died. On the inside. Not enough, though. I felt more poo wanting to come out, but since I was upside down, it was working it’s way towards my mouth. I screamed. Then I screamed again. I didn’t want my poo in my mouth! “Hey! Anybody there? I need some help! I don’t want poo in my mouth!” The…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 17!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Why do my feet hurt?” I asked. “Because I nailed them to the ceiling!” she replied. “Now maybe your rooty-tooty butt can remember why you’re here!” I tried striking my best JC pose but keeping my arms up like him was a bit tiring, so I let them dangle and experienced the glorious rush of the blood pooling into my…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 16!
    by Stephen Johnson
    It was a small fart. But it was quite stinky. She opened windows I didn’t even know were there, turned on fans I didn’t even know were there and opened a bunch of those Renuzit air fresheners I didn’t even know were….there. “Did you ever see the movie ‘Strange Days’?” she asked as she waved her hands in front of…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 15!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “And you want to file a complaint because of THAT?” she asked as she continued kicking the guard in and around his groin. “Well……yes?” I answered as I tried to get some distance between us. Not quick enough because soon enough she was repeatedly kicking me in and around my groin area. This caused another long line of poo to…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 14!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “YOU IDIOT!” She jumped up from the floor and shoved me back against one of those three walls. “Do you seriously believe that I would even think that Bob was the type of person to have a PERIOD? He’s a man!” “Well, a man-child…..” She ran backwards around the room as I tried to pry myself from the sticky wall.…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 13-A!
    by Stephen Johnson
    As soon as I exited the small room the lady grabbed me by the throat and threw me against one of the four walls. “Well?” she asked as she held me against one of those walls with one of her two elbows sunk deeply into my one throat. “What did Bob do?” I looked around to see of there was…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 13!
    by Stephen Johnson
    So I knocked and knocked on that little door, but no answer on the other side. With nothing better to do I decided to do some more business. Picked up the litter box, shook it around a bit so my previous leavings were safely positioned in one of the corners, squatted down and did some more leavings. Forgot I was…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 12!
    by Stephen Johnson
    She ran past me with the axe and buried it in the head of a security guard who was guarding a tiny doggy door in the corner of the office. Funny that I hadn’t noticed him or that before. The guard fell, blood from his head squirting every which way. “Now, get in there and do your business before I…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 11!
    by Stephen Johnson
    She shot the little person. Who exploded in a festive festival of glitter. “Why you do that?” I asked as my bowels decided to release some more gooey fury. She put away the gun, shut the drawer and stared at me. “Do you now remember what Bob did?” she finally asked. “NO!” She sighed and started to clean out one…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 10!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Yes. I want to file a complaint about Bob,” I said while transfixed by the pencils dangling from her nostrils. She removed one of the pencils, studied the end that had been embedded in a nostril and then licked it clean. “What did he do now?” she asked as she removed the other pencil and did the same as the…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 9!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Well, hello there poopy man!” said the little person. It was the same kid from the store, but this time his head seemed to be a little crooked, almost like someone had karate chopped him in the neck. He lifted up the visor of the welding mask he was wearing and smiled at me. When he saw my look and…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 8!
    by Stephen Johnson
    The clown was acting a little bit odd, hopping on each foot like he had to…… “Pee! I have got to pee!” he yelled. “I pooped in my pants!” I yelled back. “Sorry, but even with this pee, I just got to stop you from advancing any further!” With that I performed a rather stellar deep, full-throttle turbo corkscrew kick…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 7!
    by Stephen Johnson
    (NOTE: I noticed in my last opus I typed “it’s head” a couple times. It should be “its head”. I guess I could go back and correct it, or you could just re-read it again now knowing the error of my ways. Proofread before I post? Me? HAH!) So….. Giant fire pit. Bunch of people dancing around it, some in…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 6!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Quite the large bear, it was. If it was on all fours, maybe it wouldn’t have seemed so big. But it wasn’t. Nope, that sucker was on its hind legs. See? HUGE!!!! It was also twirling a sign. “CHECK OUT THE NEW CAFETERIA!” the sign read. Well, I think it did. The bear was twirling that sign too fast. I…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 5!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Brap zippy-zip-zip flong ZAP!” screamed the little person as he pulled the trigger. “Now you’re DEAD!” I felt nothing. Of course not. It was a toy gun. “Lay down! Act like you’re DEAD!” I did not. “Act like you’re dead or I’m going to tell my mommy!” I walked a little bit closer. “Bob? Bob Senitram is that you?” “I’m…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 4!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Eric Stratton, rush chairman. Damn glad to meet you!” I replied to that disembodied voice. “Eric! Can you spare a buck or two?” This came from behind a pile of boxes. The boxes moved around a bit and a large man rose up. He was wearing a security uniform. “What do you need a couple bucks for?” “To feed the…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 3!
    by Stephen Johnson
    And there it was! Headquarters! No shiny high-rise here though. Just a one-story building that used to be home to a Build A Mole store. For some reason, the previous tenants thought that since kids liked building bears, they sure as heck would just love building moles. They were quite wrong and our overlords were able to get the building…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 2!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Figured I would hit a nearby store to find something to spray on the back of my pants in case any poop smell was wafting from down there, but discovered some people can be so rude! While walking through the store trying to find some scents, I walked by a little boy shopping with his mom. When I passed he…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 1!
    by Stephen Johnson
    When I went to Headquarters so I could speak to our HR Department, is saw a nearby store that sold shelving was hiring so I decided to take the plunge and get a real job for awhile. Plus, I was looking for some shelving for the homestead and figured I could get an employee discount. So I went in, found…
  • What’s In My Mouth?
    by Stephen Johnson
    “THEY EAT THEIR OWN POOP WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT! Just like Stephen.” Excuse me? Just discovered a chunk of something in my mouth. Have no idea what it is, went ahead and swallowed it. Haven’t eaten anything yet today, did my weekly brushing of the teeth so it must be remnants of something old. Should still be nutritious. Looking around…
  • No Robots, But Fubbles!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Robots? Someone is writing about ROBOTS??!! At least when you come here you know you’ll get full-on reality. Got some Fubbles for the cats, but they really didn’t care much about the bubbles floating in the air. Instead, they waited for them to land on the floor where they burst and then they just sat there wondering where the bubbles…
  • Elephant Stampede!
    by Stephen Johnson
    It snowed again this week. I had the woman shovel the driveway since I was busy watching “Tarzan Goes To India”. That is all. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • He Doesn’t Step In For Me…….
    by Stephen Johnson
    So, it snowed here. Figured I might as well make myself useful and shovel a path on the driveway and the sidewalk leading to the front door since I’m expecting a package or two from Amazon. But, I couldn’t find my snow shovelin’ gloves! Asked the woman where they were and she asked if she was the keeper of my…
  • Resolutions And Other Stuff
    by Stephen Johnson
    Well, here I am again. Took a couple weeks off, hung with Bob at Walmart even though the friction between us is at a boiling point. You know, because of that pube movie thing. But he just doesn’t remember it. It’s all because of that stinking Acapulco Gold crap he constantly smokes. He knows there’s friction, just doesn’t know why.…
  • Just In Time For The Holidays…….ANGER!
    by Stephen Johnson
    So angry right now! It’s not that my plan to fill all of Bob’s underpants with talcum powder so that when he’s in court and farts a bit of the white powder shoots out and then everyone will point and laugh at the gassy guy is not a great plan and probably something that I’ve already done without him knowing,…
  • There’s A Problem, Of Course There Is!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Oh, boy! Sometimes things don’t go exactly as planned. Wires must have been crossed since it’s not Russel Crowe that’s interested in playing the pube, but some guy with the name of Ruzzle Cro. Seems he’s a wannabe gangsta rappa that comes from a small town in Connecticut. That’s not going to work. In order for the pube to have…
  • This Is What Happens (Don’t Tell Bob!)
    by Stephen Johnson
    Some of you just might be thinking…… “Well, Bob’s smart, right? If he represents himself in court, he’ll most surely win because he’s…..smart?” I could see why some of you might think that. He’s short and shorter people are generally smarter than taller ones. That’s a well known scientific fact. Look it up. Just remember that there’s street smart and…
  • I Hit Back!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Shhhhhh…….don’t tell Bob. Seems like there’s a lot of interest in the pubic hair story. Word going around is Russell Crowe is very interested in playing the pube. Should be compelling! Now I just have to put pen to paper to flesh out the story a bit more. Maybe get a writing partner which would enable use to toss ideas…
  • Someone Thinks It’s All About Him
    by Stephen Johnson
    So, Bob got wind of that call I had with Hollywood and he was none too pleased. “You went behind my back with this? It was my pubic hair!” “Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’ve all heard the story. You had a crush on some female cashier at Hy-Vee, went in early one morning and picked up stupid stuff just so you…
  • Hashing Out Story Ideas!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “So you want to make a movie about a talking pubic hair that goes on a rampage and starts killing teens?” “That’s basically it.” “Kills them at a camp?” “No, I think that’s been done a few times before.” “Kill babysitters on one of those spooky days?” “No, think that’s been done before as well.” “Space kills?” “No, those generally…
  • New Opus?
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Seriously?” I asked. “Hollywood has nothing new to offer so they want to make a movie about a rogue pubic hair?” “Not only that, but you need to check this out!” Bob shrieked as he pulled something out of his pocket. And there it was in his hand. That pubic hair. Only now…… “Is it moving?” I asked as I…
  • Done Pummelin’!
    by Stephen Johnson
    I scooped up a chunk vomit from the welcome mat and threw it in Bob’s face. “Yummy,” he said as he forced his way in. “So, what’s this all about?” I asked as a chunk of vomit fell from his face unto the floor. Both Slaits and the kittens ran over to the vomit and fought over who would get…
  • No Pummelin’!
    by Stephen Johnson
    I had no idea what the deal was with the pen and paper. “This is getting old. Now what do you want?” I asked. “Oh, you know,” he replied while writing something on the paper. Suddenly there was a skipping sound behind me and Slait smiled. “Another me??!! How cool!” he exclaimed. I turned around and, yep, there was that…
  • Even Less Pummelin’!
    by Stephen Johnson
    I could tell the the barracuda was quite angry by the way it thrashed around. “Jeez, what do you want now?” I asked. “Oh, you know,” he replied while trying to hold onto the slippery fish. Suddenly there was a shuffling behind me and Slait’s eyes widened. “Kittens??!! How cute!” he exclaimed. I turned around and, yep, there were those…
  • Less Pummelin’!
    by Stephen Johnson
    That barrel of kittens was positively cute. “What do you want now?” I asked with no feeling whatsoever. “Oh, you know,” he replied brandishing the barrel in a gentle yet frightening way. Suddenly there was a shuffling behind me and Slait’s eyes widened in due diligence. “What is THAT?” he asked in a resigned sort of way. I turned around…
  • More Pummelin’!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Those boomerangs were suggestively sharpened. “W-w-w-w-w-w-hat do you want?” I asked with tonally abject fear. “Oh, you know,” he replied brandishing those boomerangs in a stunningly objective way. Suddenly there was a clatter behind me and Slait’s eyes widened in unabashed unease. “W-w-w-w-w-w-hat is THAT?” he asked in a dumbfounded way. I turned around and there was Jerome minus a…
  • Pummelin’!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Those butter knives were positively gleaming. “W-w-w-w-w-w-hat do you want?” I asked with totally abject fear. “Oh, you know,” he replied brandishing those knives in a brutally obtuse way. Suddenly there was a clatter behind me and Slait’s eyes widened in unadulterated horror. “W-w-w-w-w-w-hat is THAT?” he asked in a flabbergasted way. I turned around and there was Jerome and…
  • Transplantin’!
    by Stephen Johnson
    The year was 1971. I had just seen a documentary film in a local theater that got me to thinking about stuff that I could file away for future use. This doc was simply incredible. It told the story of a man that had an additional head transplanted on his body. Why they did this, I have no idea but…
  • I Fess Up!
    by Stephen Johnson
    If you read Bob’s latest (and who does), he mentions us going someplace in Illinois to check out a water tower where I came up with the brilliant idea to scrub off all the paint and what Bob thought and still thinks was the city name. What’s funny is that it wasn’t a city name. What was written on the…
  • I’m Not Gone (Or Daid)
    by Stephen Johnson
    Hello! Stephen here. Yes, I’m alive. I took the week off from writing a column since there was something I needed to take care of. Less than 15 minutes after my deadline had passed, I received this email: “Just checking in.  No column for this week? That’s NOT ok.” Well, it’s pretty hard to write a column when you’re in…
  • RIP Jerome
    by Stephen Johnson
    It is with a heavy heart that we share the rather amusing news of Jerome’s sudden and tragically comic passing. We have plenty of words to express the bearable loss and describable pain since it’s most probably gas. This outcome was completely expected and has left us all feeling great cheeriness. We’re going to eat lots of cheese! His older…

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