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Lunatic Ravings

By Stephen Johnson

I don’t care what your weatherman says, Stephen is the first blogger in the world with the first column published in 1999.

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  • More Pummelin’!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Those boomerangs were suggestively sharpened. “W-w-w-w-w-w-hat do you want?” I asked with tonally abject fear. “Oh, you know,” he replied brandishing those boomerangs in a stunningly objective way. Suddenly there was a clatter behind me and Slait’s eyes widened in unabashed unease. “W-w-w-w-w-w-hat is THAT?” he asked in a dumbfounded way. I turned around and there was Jerome minus a … Read more
  • Pummelin’!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Those butter knives were positively gleaming. “W-w-w-w-w-w-hat do you want?” I asked with totally abject fear. “Oh, you know,” he replied brandishing those knives in a brutally obtuse way. Suddenly there was a clatter behind me and Slait’s eyes widened in unadulterated horror. “W-w-w-w-w-w-hat is THAT?” he asked in a flabbergasted way. I turned around and there was Jerome and … Read more
  • Transplantin’!
    by Stephen Johnson
    The year was 1971. I had just seen a documentary film in a local theater that got me to thinking about stuff that I could file away for future use. This doc was simply incredible. It told the story of a man that had an additional head transplanted on his body. Why they did this, I have no idea but … Read more
  • I Fess Up!
    by Stephen Johnson
    If you read Bob’s latest (and who does), he mentions us going someplace in Illinois to check out a water tower where I came up with the brilliant idea to scrub off all the paint and what Bob thought and still thinks was the city name. What’s funny is that it wasn’t a city name. What was written on the … Read more
  • I’m Not Gone (Or Daid)
    by Stephen Johnson
    Hello! Stephen here. Yes, I’m alive. I took the week off from writing a column since there was something I needed to take care of. Less than 15 minutes after my deadline had passed, I received this email: “Just checking in.  No column for this week? That’s NOT ok.” Well, it’s pretty hard to write a column when you’re in … Read more
  • RIP Jerome
    by Stephen Johnson
    It is with a heavy heart that we share the rather amusing news of Jerome’s sudden and tragically comic passing. We have plenty of words to express the bearable loss and describable pain since it’s most probably gas. This outcome was completely expected and has left us all feeling great cheeriness. We’re going to eat lots of cheese! His older … Read more
  • Testing Paused!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Had to take a slight pause on my money-making venture. Since I didn’t want to do what Jerome requested, he went ahead and did it himself. Now, because he doesn’t have the semi-scientific mind nor a laboratory like I have things went horrible wrong. He found a Target cart and went into the woods with a bag of Ho Ho … Read more
  • The First Test
    by Stephen Johnson
    Before that idea from last week starts churning out the $$$, testing needs to be done. In comes Jerome!!!! I just had to give him a call, mention Ho Hos and he immediately came over to the lab (okay, my basement). He sat on the floor eating chocolaty tubes as I explained what was going to happen. Since I don’t … Read more
  • I…..Have…..An……Idea Again!
    by Stephen Johnson
    This will make some serious money! All we’ll need is a bus, a case or two of Ho Hos and the quickest route to Philadelphia. We’ll drive around Philly until we find a batch of those people on the Zombie Drug. We will need those that are still standing, but bent over with their arms gently swaying back and forth. … Read more
  • I Correct Bob. Again.
    by Stephen Johnson
    Good ole Bob! Getting something I said completely wrong. AGAIN! If you read his last column, he claims I said this: “Buy a gun and commit crimes. I heard there’s big money in robbin’ banks and convenient stores and what-not.” Now, that’s a quote taken directly from his column. And this is what I actually said: “Don’t buy a gun … Read more
  • See, What Happened Was…..
    by Stephen Johnson
    I missed posting last week…… See, what happened was this: The lady decided she needed to get away from me for awhile so I decided that it would be a great time to get on the roof and trim some of those branches hanging over, well, the roof. Doesn’t matter that I have an abject fear of heights, I just … Read more
  • I Get These Thoughts…….
    by Stephen Johnson
    “If there’s a writers’ strike, why do I still have to write something every week?” “Because you, dear sir, are NOT a writer!” There were five things I had to do on the internet this morning but I can only remember four of them. That’s why I hate taking showers. The rare times I do, I always come up with … Read more
  • What Happened At The Verizon Store?
    by Stephen Johnson
    What happened at the Verizon store? Glad you asked. She was pretty mellow on the driver over, but when they told us that they could not change ownership at the store (even though that’s what the lady on the phone said we must do), that mellowness disappeared. For some unknown reason, that day she decided to dress up as a … Read more
  • Maybe When She Gets Ill?
    by Stephen Johnson
    Would tell you about what happened at the Verizon store, but that will just have to wait. The woman is now fine. Her “episode” lasted until Wednesday of this week and, after all the cleanup, all is normal. Well, kind of. I had warned her that I had heard that it wasn’t that good even though it (somehow) made a … Read more
  • She Went Insane
    by Stephen Johnson
    The lady of the house went insane watching “Judge Judy” so now we have to go to the Verizon store and switch ownership. Don’t know why she went insane watching that show, but she took a boysenberry pie and threw it against the wall all while levitating about eight feet off the ground. I asked her what was wrong but … Read more
  • Now I’m A Fan I Guess?
    by Stephen Johnson
    “I take a seat, it’s a tight fit…….”. That’s pretty funny. It’s not like Bob CAN’T fit nicely into a cat litter box, no matter its size. See, he’s a tiny man! But that’s not the big thing here. I guess I’m going to have to backtrack on my Taylor Swift thoughts because I recently saw an article about how … Read more
  • Long Movies Are Great!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Bob’s in jail! All because of me!! See, Bob wrote a “sitcom” last week and that’s a big no-no because of the strike. Now he’s in writer’s jail! Some people might think that’s a bit harsh due to all of our history, but I can’t count how many times he’s had me sent to jail since I really can’t count. … Read more
  • Watched Two More
    by Stephen Johnson
    Lost the use of arms for a bit this past week, so decided to watch “Rocky 3” and “Rocky Vs. Drago” even though I still had most of my face missing since some of it had grown back, and still had no use of my legs. I was a bit surprised at the new cut of “Rocky IV” because they … Read more
  • Movies That Make Me Cry
    by Stephen Johnson
    I was playing around with the chip app this past week, forcing Bob to watch only news channels and then I fell asleep. When I woke up around 2 pm, I discovered that one of the cats had chewed off my face and I no longer had use of my legs. So I watched the first two Rocky movies and … Read more
  • Did It REALLY Happen Or Was It…………The Chip App??!!
    by Stephen Johnson
    If you read Bob’s last post (and why wouldn’t you?), you can see that the chip in his head is working just fine! He never fell down a sump pump hole at a tuba joint. He just thought he did, thanks to my chip app! He doesn’t drive since he’s too short but thinks he does, thanks to my chip … Read more
  • Rescued!!! What Really Happened!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Go ahead and read Bob’s last post, “Rescued!!!” Now I’m going to tell you about my little secret or two from that night. This was the night that Bob told his famous Afghanistan Pecan Pie joke. If done right (I think), this joke can last for a good 30 minutes or so. When the punchline came, I thought it was … Read more
  • Charlie Is Brilliant!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Let’s see…. A zebra punched someone.A train exploded.Apparently, Mario went there about two weeks ago. Charlie is obviously onto something here, something that Bob JUST DOESN’T GET. It’s an extended Haiku. DUH! It’s also about an Italian plumber. As for that other thing regarding Taylor Swift? Not true. Not true at all. Never heard a TS song, (hopefully) never will. … Read more
  • The Fizzlewhite Contradiction
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Why?” I sometimes ask myself as I look at the kitchen window. It’s just a mailbox. Everyone else on our street has a mailbox. I don’t see it happening to theirs. It’s not like I constantly stand at the kitchen window peering out at the world. Well, just the world on our street. But when I’m making some mac & … Read more
  • Feral Kids?
    by Stephen Johnson
    Yes, I did go on a visit last week. I had to see why this site suddenly got an influx of new visitors during the last few weeks. Part of me thought is might be the Weirdcrap.com magnetic sign I put on my Volvo, but another part of me thought it might be something more sinister than that. So, after … Read more
  • Speakers And Moist, Moist, Moist
    by Stephen Johnson
    The speakers attached to my computer decided not to work this morning. This frustrated me so much so that I went to to the kitchen just so I could stare out the window while thinking of a fix. Nothing about a fix came to mind so I went ahead and read Bob’s sick column from last week and then had … Read more
  • Musings Part 202
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Need to close program” in order for it to update. But it IS closed. Eh, I’ll just exclude it. No big deal. What’s could possibly go wrong? Last year I decided not to watch that awards ceremony and missed the slap. Didn’t care. Decided not to watch this year and didn’t miss anything. Glad what won, upset Avatar got something … Read more
  • What DID Happen To Chuck Cunningham? (The Answer Might Surprise You)
    by Stephen Johnson
    Nope, Chuck Cunningham never did go to Minnesota State, but he did join the USAF and was killed by his woman friend because he was afraid of snakes. “Happy Days” never mentioned this probably because it might have ruined the Cunningham hardware business. Shockingly, Chuck came back to life, this time as a street thug named Manny. He decided to … Read more
  • We Got Snow!
    by Stephen Johnson
    We got around 8.5 inches of snow yesterday afternoon/evening. It was the really wet & heavy stuff so it was really fun taking care of it this morning. Don’t believe in a gas powered snow blower since the upkeep is such a pain, so we have a battery operated one. Wait, we have a battery powered one to help the … Read more
  • About The Dance For Safety
    by Stephen Johnson
    I might have mentioned this years ago in one of my other “blogs”, but I think it’s time for a reiteration! If you’re at a party or a gathering and there’s a DJ, ask them to play “The Safety Dance” and they either refuse or say that they don’t have it, leave the party/gathering. They’re a worthless DJ. It doesn’t … Read more
  • Live Or AI?
    by Stephen Johnson
    I’ve been thinking that taking the time to come up with thoughts and then turning those thoughts into halfway readable words and ideas for this here site just takes up too much of my valuable time. Therefore, I am going to do some research on one of those AI things that write things for you! “Just making sure that an … Read more
  • Maybe Looking For A New Car
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Strange Days” was on one of those premium channels a couple days ago. I didn’t watch it since I’m still waiting on my thank you note from the movie company. Maybe they’ll notice this and rush that note out to me quickly now. Then maybe I’ll watch and maybe you will too. Outside of that, I can think of nothing … Read more
  • About That Balloon!
    by Stephen Johnson
    About that balloon….. Okay, I really have nothing to say about that balloon. Just know that it was shot down and that it was pretty big and that it will probably lead to WWIII and that’s that. Just hopes it happens I get some service for my car. The dealership is booked until March and the best time (for me) … Read more
  • Proofread??!!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “We knew that a that a star had been discovered…..” Yep, I let that one slide by in my last column. Maybe I was so happy that the “T” works on my new keyboard that I went a little overboard. OR…. I’m just too lazy to proofread what I’ve written. We’ll go with that since that’s just the way it … Read more
  • The Day A New Star Was Discovered
    by Stephen Johnson
    For some reason, I remember 10/6/95 quite vividly. Well, there really is a reason why and I’m going to tell you about it with the following typed words! Just another day at the office for Bob and I. We knew that a that a star had been discovered that had a planet orbiting around it. Of course everyone knows that … Read more
  • I Finally Did It!
    by Stephen Johnson
    I know most of you have been waiting for THE BIG NEWS. It’s been going on for awhile now and some of you have even been sitting on the edge of your seats. “Will he go the extra mile, will he take that next step, will he reach out and grab it?” No. No I won’t. It’s still sitting there. … Read more
  • This Might Sound Familiar
    by Stephen Johnson
    Huh. Didn’t know we were required to write our columns even during the holiday season. Just found that out, but it really makes no difference since I had a very bad holiday season. I was under the impression that we would be getting an Xmas bonus this year, so I contracted a contractor that builds pools to build a pool … Read more
  • I Guess This Is About Movies?
    by Stephen Johnson
    I kind of read Bob’s last post and it reminded me of something….. No, not how he ripped off “Planet Of The Apes”. (By the way, I still haven’t replaced my keyboard. A new one is sitting on top of a filing cabinet to the left of me and I’m still too lazy to do a replacement.) (By the way … Read more
  • I’ve Been Fined!
    by Stephen Johnson
    No, I sure didn’t meet my word quota last week. What’s even worse is that I took time off the previous week, so corporate expected me to submit something last week with double the quota. Now I’ve been fined. Due to the NDA that we have to sign every week (which I find a bit excessive), I cannot tell you … Read more
  • An Update
    by Stephen Johnson
    Just to update you on my birthday week menu, everything worked out until Friday. I didn’t have what I listed, had Subway instead as well as Cheez-Its. Saturday none of those frozen things. Now you’re up to date! Date what? I DON’T KNOW! Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • What I Shall Eat During My Birthday Week
    by Stephen Johnson
    It’s strange…. There’s quite a few people out there that want to know what I’m going to eat during my birthday week. I can’ let hem down, so here goes! SundayLasagna & Cheesesticks MondayRice & Cheese & Beef Strips Tuesday2 Omelettes WednesdayDunkin’ Donuts & Taco Bell Thursday (B’day and that other day)Merkts Wine Cheddar Cheese & Large Cheez-Its Crackers, More … Read more
  • I Muse
    by Stephen Johnson
    Talking about leaves as Bob did, I just use a lawnmower. That way, I don’t have to pick up anything. Just proves that he knows nothing so you might as well start asking me those questions. I was watching a Chuck Norris movie where he barges into a group of people doing some good ole fashion square dancing. For some … Read more
  • Wait…Bob Watches Ads?
    by Stephen Johnson
    Reading Bob’s last post, I was struck by something. It was a hot pot of tea that my lady threw at me because I forgot to take out the garbage. After that was remedied, I was struck by something else. Does Bob actually WATCH ads? I called him out of the blue and acted all friendly-like. Found out he and … Read more
  • My Halloween Gift To You (That Took A Really, Really Long Time To Do)
    by Stephen Johnson
    All work and no play makes Stephen a dull boy. All work and no play makes Stephen a dull boy. All work and no play makes Stephen a dull boy. All work and no play makes Stephen a dull boy. All work and no play makes Stephen a dull boy. All work and no play makes Stephen a dull boy. … Read more
  • We Got A New Garage Door Opener!!!
    by Stephen Johnson
    The garage door guy had no idea why the light on the garage door opener kept blinking. He even called around to find out what was going on, but nobody knew. So, we got a new garage door opener. That’ll do. It wasn’t easy for him to install it though. He squirrels in our yard are getting a little bit … Read more
  • What Else You Should Know That Management Forgot
    by Stephen Johnson
    In Bob’s post from 10/9, management decided to crack down on his shenanigans. However, they did not mention one of the most important tidbits of info that everyone MUST know. But first….. The light on our garage door opener is (now) constantly blinking. Before it was just one side that sporadically blinked, but I thought it might have been a … Read more

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