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Lunatic Ravings

By Stephen Johnson

I don’t care what your weatherman says, Stephen is the first blogger in the world with the first column published in 1999.

We’ve been writing our columns since 1999 and still nobody reads them…but they just keep coming!

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  • The Journey To HR, Part 60!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Well, I did and you did. Therefore, we both did,” said the HR lady. “No,” I said, starting to get that peeved feeling. “No?” That almost peeved me even more. “No!” “No,” said the HR lady, almost in a whisper. I let out a peeved sigh. “Someone spoke. Not me. Not you. Sure as heck not Star Child Two!” Star…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 59!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Dingo?” I asked warmly. “Dingo!” the HR lady purred. “Which means…..?” “The ‘Dingo Ate My Baby’ dance!” exclaimed the HR lady. And that’s what we did. Star Child Two helped by acting out a dingo eating a baby. It was quite ferocious. And bloody. But not REALLY bloody since it was just a baby. Therefore, less blood. We almost stopped…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 58!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Well, it really is but it’s just something to do to pass the time,” said the HR lady. We both stared at the split open head, just to pass some more time. When that time was passed we passed some more time by doing nothing. “Retsyn dance?” asked the HR lady. “Nah,” I said. “That fun is most probably over.…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 57!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Jerome and I continued our Retsyn dance as the HR lady collapsed to the floor, panting heavily. Star Child Two continued its cadence bonking, now with the desk lamp. “This is just WAAAAAAY too much fun!” I gleefully shouted. This must have triggered something in Jerome’s body. It stopped dancing and looked around as only a headless body can do.…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 56!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Retsyn,” I said, still lying on the floor. Star Child Two hummed something from its spot on the floor. The HR lady didn’t say anything. “RETSYN!” Jerome screamed again. “RETSYN, RETSYN, RETSYN, RETSYNRETSYNRETSYNRETTTTTTTTSYNNNNNNNNNNNN!” He was now running around the room, acting like a cat that just had the best poop of its life. Star Child Two rose off the floor,…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 55!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Jerome began to hop around excitedly. “Does it burn?” I asked, smiling largely. “Does it feel like your head skin is melting?” asked the HR lady, smiling even more largely. “NO!” happily yelled Jerome. “Oh,” I said and stopped smiling. “Sad,” said the HR lady who also stopped smiling. “It just might smell like rancid cottage cheese…….,” began Jerome. I…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 54!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Fine. FINE!” yelled Jerome after discovering there really were no exits. “What happened to the exits?” I asked the HR lady. She shrugged. As did I. Jerome walked over to one of the puddles of Star Child Two’s leavings, got down on all fours and licked away. “Disgusting!” the HR lady exclaimed. “Yeah, well, remember that’s it’s all for science,”…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 53!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “But it’s not your normal gas,” said Jerome. We were now intrigued. “TELL US MORE!” we screamed in unison. “Well, when I pass the gas, it’s not really gas,” said Jerome. “When I check my drawers, there’s only strands of this pink substance and I never eat pink food. It’s a religious thing.” Star Child Two, still in the corner,…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 52!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Grape Nuts, both dry and wet, fell out of my now gaping mouth. “GRAPE NUTS!” Jerome screamed as he stood up. Grape Nuts, mostly wet with a few dry ones, fell out of the HR lady’s now gaping mouth. I closed my mouth and swallowed whatever Grape Nut remnants remained. “Say, do you want some?” I asked Jerome as he…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 51!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Grape Nuts!” the HR lady yelled. “With milk?” I asked. “Of course not!” she replied. “We eat them dry!” “THAT’S THE BEST!” I hollered. “I KNOW!” she hollered back. We grabbed large cups and filled them to the rim with Grape Nuts. And then we started to eat those crunchy little morsels, every now and then throwing a few nuggets…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 50!
    by Stephen Johnson
    We did nothing but stare at Jerome’s prone body for awhile. Then we got lost in our own private thoughts. Finally it was nap time. When we woke up, Jerome was still lying motionless. “Are these his brains?” asked the HR lady while kicking at some pinkish-gray clumps that were oozing from Jerome’s head. Star Child Two swooped down to…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 49!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Jerome stood up and wiped the tears from his face. “That was a complete waste of time!” he yelled. “What was?” I asked, feeling THAT anger rise. “THAT STORY!” he yelled, but in a higher pitch. “Well, well, well,” said the HR lady while still sitting on the floor. Star Child Two started humming something in quite the angry way.…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 48!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Well, let’s hold on for a moment,” I said. “This reminds me of something from a long, long time ago!” The HR lady and Jerome sat down on the floor an watched me with rapt attention. Star Chile Two hovered an inch or so above the floor an watched me with rapt attention. “See, I was working in a car…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 47!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “What’s even worse is now he’s listening to Billie Eilish,” said Jerome. I choked on the crumpet. The HR lady choked on the tea. Star Child Two choked on his humming of “When The Levee Breaks”. I quickly performed the Heimlich Maneuver on myself and the lodged crumpet piece shot out of my mouth and hit Jerome in the face.…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 46!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “YOWZA!” yelled Jerome. He stopped twitching. I stared at him. The HR lady barely glanced at him as she continued searching for some tea. Star Child Two continued its flight, now humming something that could have been “Canary In A Coalmine”. “That’s….it?” I asked, completely letdown. “Yeah,” said Jerome. “Just some aftereffects from all those visits to Crack Whore Village!”…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 45!
    by Stephen Johnson
    When the song and dance was over, we bowed to each other as Jerome continued crying. “Lady,” I said. “Lord,” said the HR lady. “OH, WOULD YOU BOTH STOP!” yelled Jerome. Star Child Two flew down and smashed into Jerome’s head repeatedly. “Ow. OW!” screamed Jerome. “Shall we get some crumpets?” I asked the HR lady. “Oh, yes,” she replied.…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 44!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Of course, I told him no. He was wet and greasy and his hair was a little bit on fire.” “Just like the typical Bob,” I muttered. “Yep, sounds just like Bob,” said the HR lady. Star Child Two didn’t say anything but started humming something that could have been “The Bob Song”. “Well, he offered me some caramel creams…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 43!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Jerome continued yakking. “He filled the bathtub with cold water, dumped the whole bottle of bubble bath in, and then sprayed the bubbles with WD40. Then, fully clothed, he dove into the tub and was under the bubbles, water and WD40 for quite a long time, so long that I was praying that he was finally dead. But, no.” This…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 42!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Star Child Two stopped humming. “I LOVE FUN PARTS!” it bellowed and then continued humming something that could have been “Peg”. The HR lady shrugged her legs like she couldn’t have cared any more about fun parts. I just really, really didn’t care since one persons “fun parts” really aren’t fun. To me. “Bob’s short. I’m tall,” said Jerome. I…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 41!
    by Stephen Johnson
    He who agreed and who we were pointing out just a bit earlier walked towards us, dragging something behind him. It made that familiar wet and sloshy sound. “Hey, Stephen!” he said as he tried to shake off whatever was caught on his feet. “Jerome?” I asked, quite stunned. “Jerome?” asked the HR lady, not as stunned as I. Star…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 40!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “That was deep!” screamed the HR lady. Star Child Two remained in its exploded state. “Maybe I should pause for a bit, maybe wait until the new year to continue? That way we all can get our thoughts and….desires in order,” I said, trying to sound as authoritative as possible. What we had been pointing at earlier agreed. “Agreed!” he…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 39!
    by Stephen Johnson
    I stopped pointing at what I was pointing at while the HR lady continued pointing. “If infinity is just a word and not a number, how could Chuck Norris have counted to it TWICE? Does that make him a super-duper being or what?” The HR lady stopped pointing at what I was previously pointing at and stared at me. “Whoa.”…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 38!
    by Stephen Johnson
    We stopped pointing at what caused our surprised yelps. We stood there, still stunned. After a few moments, but what felt like minutes, I decided to speak. “I can’t decide if I want a cigarette or pudding right now.” “Seems like we have lots of time, so why not have both?” asked the HR lady. “I don’t have any pudding!”…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 37!
    by Stephen Johnson
    We wiped the sick from around our mouths, but let it fester on the floor. There was a loud tearing sound from the poop room. “My goodness,” said the HR lady. “Is someone tearing someone else a new…….” “NO!” I yelled in response. Then came to wet sounds from the poop room. Wet, sloshy sounds. “Hope they’re not doing whatever…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 36!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Yes. Yes he does,” I said as I eyed his prone body. I grabbed my handy tape measure and measured him with that same tape measure I just happened to have, from one of the many pockets I also just happened to have. “Yes, definitely taller,” I said. Bob spryly leapt to his feet as though he were someone 60…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 35!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Then she vomited some more. Star Child Two swooped down and slurped up a chunk of the vomit. Then it vomited. So did I, just to join in. “Really? Bob?” I asked when I was done. “REALLY!” she screamed. We were then silent as we debated what to do. “Should we open the door?” asked Star Child Two. “Should we…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 34!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Quite suddenly, I became sad. As the two still sat in awe, I told them something that scarred me for life. “I remember when I worked in a factory building the good old Edsel.” They were no longer in awe, but I continued. “The wife was in the hospital, just about to give birth to a bunch of octopi. See,…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 33!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Yep,” I said. “Have a seat and let me tell you about that day……” The HR lady sat down and Star Child Two just hung there. I told them about that day. When I was done they sat in silence. They were awed. So was I, just remembering that joke. See, it’s quite funny especially if you’re getting or are…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 32!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “You know?” I asked with an all-knowing wink. She winked back. Sexy. “No, but I’m sure you’ll tell me.” Star Child Two finished its business and came roaring back. “Tell us. TELL US!” it bleated. HR lady gave me a look that I knew meant that she knew that I was doing this only to waste time. “Do you know…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 31!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “So?” asked the HR lady. “How did he take it?” “Not well. Not well at all,” I replied, gleefully rubbing my palms against my sweaty thighs. Star Child Two zipped around the room, until he too began rubbing his palms gleefully against my sweaty thighs. And then he started on my loins. “Aren’t you worried about any repercussions?” it asked…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 30!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Quick!” shouted the HR lady. “You have to do it now!” “Do what?” “BEAT HIM!” “Who? Star Child Two? I mean, he did say I was kind of…sexy.” “NO! Come on, idiot boy! BEAT BOB!” “You mean……” “YES!” “NOW?” “Yessssssssssssss!” “Okay. Say, what’s your name?” “Nevermind. Do it. DO IT!” As I prepared to “do it” I looked up at…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 29!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Know what?” I asked as I placed the crazy wig on my bleeding head. “I don’t know?” asked the HR lady. “Is that a question? Do you really not know? A minute ago it seemed that you DID know and now you’re acting like maybe you do know, but there’s also that possibility that you DON’T know and….say, do you…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 28!
    by Stephen Johnson
    And that’s what Star Child Two did. It licked my head. Unlike a cat’s groovy tongue, Star Child Two’s tongue was covered in teeny tiny razor blades. It licked and licked and those glorious locks of my full head of hair began falling to the ground. “Just a little off the top,” I said, probably trying to be humorous. It…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 27!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “I shall be known as Star Child Two,” said the orb. “Should it be ‘the orb’ or ‘The Orb’?” I asked, really wanting to know. It thought for a moment and then starting waving around its tiny T-Rex arms. “Did you not hear what I said?” “Well, I did but……” “CALL ME STAR CHILD TWO!” it yelled in its tiny,…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 26!
    by Stephen Johnson
    After the door closed, I sat in the same position for over an hour, still slightly drooling. Finally, I came to my sense. “Did that really happen?” I asked the HR lady. “It did. It really, really did!” “I no longer have to poop!” I said while squeezing to see if something DID come out. “You’re going to be a…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 24!
    by Stephen Johnson
    The faint knocking grew louder. “Are you going to answer the door?” asked the HR lady. “Me?” “No, the pink rabbit you stupid, stupid fool,” she answered. I couldn’t tell if she was kidding. It was really hard trying to pry my hands away from DOWN THERE. Don’t know why. Not like I was har… The pink rabbit answered the…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 23!
    by Stephen Johnson
    ….I passed out. As I lay there (I think), breathing in that sweet, tangy Lysol scent, I was reminded of that time that…. No. I won’t go there. I removed my hands from DOWN THERE. Now was not the time. I thought about doing that HR lady trick and tried to rip myself from my current body. Tried as I…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 22!
    by Stephen Johnson
    There was a horrible, slurpy tearing sound. I looked at the prone body of the HR lady and that’s where the sound was coming from. The body moved. I thought she was coming out of her silly faint. Instead, her body tore apart and the HR lady climbed out of herself. She was a bit shorter. Obviously. “Hurry,” she said.…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 21!
    by Stephen Johnson
    I answered the phone, as you sometimes should do. “Yes?” I asked in as timid a voice as possible, just in case this was a scammer. “Is this Stephen Johnson?” “Yes?” in that still timid voice. “Hey there! This is Cornelius Sproot with [redacted]! Got your email about that thing you designed and we’re very intrigued!” “Oh?” “YES! This will…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 20!
    by Stephen Johnson
    When I woke up, there was no millipede. I also wasn’t hanging upside down. But it felt like something was being jabbed into each armpit. I looked down and saw the HR lady. She had me suspended in the air with two broomstick handles jabbed into those armpits. She walked around the office holding onto the bottom of the broomsticks,…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 19!
    by Stephen Johnson
    It felt like it had legs. I could feel those legs tickling my throat so I took a deep breath, and hocked myself a loogie. Most of the phlegm just dripped into my eyes, but I did see something else fly out of my mouth before I was blinded. “Lordy, lord! I am now blind!” I yelled for no particular…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 18!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Yep. I died. On the inside. Not enough, though. I felt more poo wanting to come out, but since I was upside down, it was working it’s way towards my mouth. I screamed. Then I screamed again. I didn’t want my poo in my mouth! “Hey! Anybody there? I need some help! I don’t want poo in my mouth!” The…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 17!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Why do my feet hurt?” I asked. “Because I nailed them to the ceiling!” she replied. “Now maybe your rooty-tooty butt can remember why you’re here!” I tried striking my best JC pose but keeping my arms up like him was a bit tiring, so I let them dangle and experienced the glorious rush of the blood pooling into my…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 16!
    by Stephen Johnson
    It was a small fart. But it was quite stinky. She opened windows I didn’t even know were there, turned on fans I didn’t even know were there and opened a bunch of those Renuzit air fresheners I didn’t even know were….there. “Did you ever see the movie ‘Strange Days’?” she asked as she waved her hands in front of…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 15!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “And you want to file a complaint because of THAT?” she asked as she continued kicking the guard in and around his groin. “Well……yes?” I answered as I tried to get some distance between us. Not quick enough because soon enough she was repeatedly kicking me in and around my groin area. This caused another long line of poo to…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 14!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “YOU IDIOT!” She jumped up from the floor and shoved me back against one of those three walls. “Do you seriously believe that I would even think that Bob was the type of person to have a PERIOD? He’s a man!” “Well, a man-child…..” She ran backwards around the room as I tried to pry myself from the sticky wall.…
  • My Journey To HR, Part 13-A!
    by Stephen Johnson
    My journey to HR changed when I exited the small room the lady grabbed me by the throat and threw me against one of the four walls. “Well?” she asked as she held me against one of those walls with one of her two elbows sunk deeply into my one throat. “What did Bob do?” I looked around to see of there…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 13!
    by Stephen Johnson
    So I knocked and knocked on that little door, but no answer on the other side. With nothing better to do I decided to do some more business. Picked up the litter box, shook it around a bit so my previous leavings were safely positioned in one of the corners, squatted down and did some more leavings. Forgot I was…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 12!
    by Stephen Johnson
    The Journey To HR, Part 12! She ran past me with the axe and buried it in the head of a security guard who was guarding a tiny doggy door in the corner of the office. Funny that I hadn’t noticed him or that before. The guard fell, blood from his head squirting every which way. “Now, get in there…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 11!
    by Stephen Johnson
    The Journey to HR, Part II by Stephen Johnson She shot the little person. Who exploded in a festive festival of glitter. “Why you do that?” I asked as my bowels decided to release some more gooey fury. She put away the gun, shut the drawer and stared at me. “Do you now remember what Bob did?” she finally asked.…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 10!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Yes. I want to file a complaint about Bob,” I said while transfixed by the pencils dangling from her nostrils. She removed one of the pencils, studied the end that had been embedded in a nostril and then licked it clean. “What did he do now?” she asked as she removed the other pencil and did the same as the…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 9!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Well, hello there poopy man!” said the little person. It was the same kid from the store, but this time his head seemed to be a little crooked, almost like someone had karate chopped him in the neck. He lifted up the visor of the welding mask he was wearing and smiled at me. When he saw my look and…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 8!
    by Stephen Johnson
    The clown was acting a little bit odd, hopping on each foot like he had to…… “Pee! I have got to pee!” he yelled. “I pooped in my pants!” I yelled back. “Sorry, but even with this pee, I just got to stop you from advancing any further!” With that I performed a rather stellar deep, full-throttle turbo corkscrew kick…

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