Lunatic Ravings
By Stephen Johnson
I don’t care what your weatherman says, Stephen is the first blogger in the world with the first column published in 1999.
Lunatic Columns | Ask Bob | Lunatic Ravings | Chick Shit | Guest Writers
- Speakers And Moist, Moist, Moistby Stephen JohnsonThe speakers attached to my computer decided not to work this morning. This frustrated me so much so that I went to to the kitchen just so I could stare out the window while thinking of a fix. Nothing about a fix came to mind so I went ahead and read Bob’s sick column from last week and then had…
- Musings Part 202by Stephen Johnson“Need to close program” in order for it to update. But it IS closed. Eh, I’ll just exclude it. No big deal. What’s could possibly go wrong? Last year I decided not to watch that awards ceremony and missed the slap. Didn’t care. Decided not to watch this year and didn’t miss anything. Glad what won, upset Avatar got something…
- What DID Happen To Chuck Cunningham? (The Answer Might Surprise You)by Stephen JohnsonNope, Chuck Cunningham never did go to Minnesota State, but he did join the USAF and was killed by his woman friend because he was afraid of snakes. “Happy Days” never mentioned this probably because it might have ruined the Cunningham hardware business. Shockingly, Chuck came back to life, this time as a street thug named Manny. He decided to…
- We Got Snow!by Stephen JohnsonWe got around 8.5 inches of snow yesterday afternoon/evening. It was the really wet & heavy stuff so it was really fun taking care of it this morning. Don’t believe in a gas powered snow blower since the upkeep is such a pain, so we have a battery operated one. Wait, we have a battery powered one to help the…
- About The Dance For Safetyby Stephen JohnsonI might have mentioned this years ago in one of my other “blogs”, but I think it’s time for a reiteration! If you’re at a party or a gathering and there’s a DJ, ask them to play “The Safety Dance” and they either refuse or say that they don’t have it, leave the party/gathering. They’re a worthless DJ. It doesn’t…
- Live Or AI?by Stephen JohnsonI’ve been thinking that taking the time to come up with thoughts and then turning those thoughts into halfway readable words and ideas for this here site just takes up too much of my valuable time. Therefore, I am going to do some research on one of those AI things that write things for you! “Just making sure that an…
- Maybe Looking For A New Carby Stephen Johnson“Strange Days” was on one of those premium channels a couple days ago. I didn’t watch it since I’m still waiting on my thank you note from the movie company. Maybe they’ll notice this and rush that note out to me quickly now. Then maybe I’ll watch and maybe you will too. Outside of that, I can think of nothing…
- About That Balloon!by Stephen JohnsonAbout that balloon….. Okay, I really have nothing to say about that balloon. Just know that it was shot down and that it was pretty big and that it will probably lead to WWIII and that’s that. Just hopes it happens I get some service for my car. The dealership is booked until March and the best time (for me)…
- Proofread??!!by Stephen Johnson“We knew that a that a star had been discovered…..” Yep, I let that one slide by in my last column. Maybe I was so happy that the “T” works on my new keyboard that I went a little overboard. OR…. I’m just too lazy to proofread what I’ve written. We’ll go with that since that’s just the way it…
- The Day A New Star Was Discoveredby Stephen JohnsonFor some reason, I remember 10/6/95 quite vividly. Well, there really is a reason why and I’m going to tell you about it with the following typed words! Just another day at the office for Bob and I. We knew that a that a star had been discovered that had a planet orbiting around it. Of course everyone knows that…
- I Finally Did It!by Stephen JohnsonI know most of you have been waiting for THE BIG NEWS. It’s been going on for awhile now and some of you have even been sitting on the edge of your seats. “Will he go the extra mile, will he take that next step, will he reach out and grab it?” No. No I won’t. It’s still sitting there.…
- This Might Sound Familiarby Stephen JohnsonHuh. Didn’t know we were required to write our columns even during the holiday season. Just found that out, but it really makes no difference since I had a very bad holiday season. I was under the impression that we would be getting an Xmas bonus this year, so I contracted a contractor that builds pools to build a pool…
- I Guess This Is About Movies?by Stephen JohnsonI kind of read Bob’s last post and it reminded me of something….. No, not how he ripped off “Planet Of The Apes”. (By the way, I still haven’t replaced my keyboard. A new one is sitting on top of a filing cabinet to the left of me and I’m still too lazy to do a replacement.) (By the way…
- I’ve Been Fined!by Stephen JohnsonNo, I sure didn’t meet my word quota last week. What’s even worse is that I took time off the previous week, so corporate expected me to submit something last week with double the quota. Now I’ve been fined. Due to the NDA that we have to sign every week (which I find a bit excessive), I cannot tell you…
- An Updateby Stephen JohnsonJust to update you on my birthday week menu, everything worked out until Friday. I didn’t have what I listed, had Subway instead as well as Cheez-Its. Saturday none of those frozen things. Now you’re up to date! Date what? I DON’T KNOW! Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
- What I Shall Eat During My Birthday Weekby Stephen JohnsonIt’s strange…. There’s quite a few people out there that want to know what I’m going to eat during my birthday week. I can’ let hem down, so here goes! SundayLasagna & Cheesesticks MondayRice & Cheese & Beef Strips Tuesday2 Omelettes WednesdayDunkin’ Donuts & Taco Bell Thursday (B’day and that other day)Merkts Wine Cheddar Cheese & Large Cheez-Its Crackers, More…
- I Museby Stephen JohnsonTalking about leaves as Bob did, I just use a lawnmower. That way, I don’t have to pick up anything. Just proves that he knows nothing so you might as well start asking me those questions. I was watching a Chuck Norris movie where he barges into a group of people doing some good ole fashion square dancing. For some…
- Wait…Bob Watches Ads?by Stephen JohnsonReading Bob’s last post, I was struck by something. It was a hot pot of tea that my lady threw at me because I forgot to take out the garbage. After that was remedied, I was struck by something else. Does Bob actually WATCH ads? I called him out of the blue and acted all friendly-like. Found out he and…
- My Halloween Gift To You (That Took A Really, Really Long Time To Do)by Stephen JohnsonAll work and no play makes Stephen a dull boy. All work and no play makes Stephen a dull boy. All work and no play makes Stephen a dull boy. All work and no play makes Stephen a dull boy. All work and no play makes Stephen a dull boy. All work and no play makes Stephen a dull boy.…
- We Got A New Garage Door Opener!!!by Stephen JohnsonThe garage door guy had no idea why the light on the garage door opener kept blinking. He even called around to find out what was going on, but nobody knew. So, we got a new garage door opener. That’ll do. It wasn’t easy for him to install it though. He squirrels in our yard are getting a little bit…
- What Else You Should Know That Management Forgotby Stephen JohnsonIn Bob’s post from 10/9, management decided to crack down on his shenanigans. However, they did not mention one of the most important tidbits of info that everyone MUST know. But first….. The light on our garage door opener is (now) constantly blinking. Before it was just one side that sporadically blinked, but I thought it might have been a…
- My Latest Haircutby Stephen JohnsonI got one of those haircut things this weekend. Went to my hairdresser who works out of her home. Drove over there and got there in good time since traffic was light. Was greeted by a dog when I walked up the driveway. It was nice, didn’t attack me or anything. Waited until I was invited into her house since…
- Why I Didn’t Post Anything Last Weekby Stephen JohnsonGot an email from corporate last week wondering why I didn’t post anything. So, I pulled the ole Luther card with an “I’ve been busy!” I even mentioned the name “Luther” and that made them scramble. I considered getting some empty glass bottles and clinking them together outside corporate headquarters while asking those inside to come out to play. Again,…
- All Because Of A Doll?by Stephen JohnsonI don’t know where the darn doll is! Seems that since the Queen is dead, a certain Madame Alexander doll is selling for quite a high price. Also seems that someone who lives with me claims she had the doll when some prince died a year or so ago and now she can’t find it. Of course I’m somehow to…
- The Real DJ Storyby Stephen JohnsonBob’s latest columns are all about lies. Considering his age, disco wasn’t even a thing when he was in high school. Neither was funk. Nope. He basically stole the story of my life and went ahead and let you think it was all about him. This is the reason why he only gets email from gambling, gaming and aluminum siding…
- Labor Day Weekend Post!by Stephen JohnsonSince it’s Labor Day weekend, I technically don’t have to write anything since it’s a holiday. So I won’t. But you still read it, you fool! Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
- We Have Too Many Laddersby Stephen JohnsonAs I sat in garage pondering life and other stuff, I noticed that we have too many ladders. We once had four. Two small ones and two large ones. I gave away one of the small ones which leaves us with three, but that’s still too many. We also have a couple small ladder-type things in the house. That probably…
- Musings And Jeromeby Stephen JohnsonThere are probably people wondering about Jerome and why all that stuff happened. I just need to make it very clear that Jerome was not forced into anything. Never has been, never will be. Sure, he was offered money to drink certain liquids but he always had the option to decline the offer. But, with Jerome being Jerome, he likes…
- Ad Free Version This Weekby Stephen JohnsonWell, that didn’t last long. Corporate wasn’t too happy with my ad placements and “tone”. For now all ads have been yanked from me which is really upsetting since I really, really wanted to do that one for a bra and gush over how it came in my favorite color, some shade of blue that’s supposedly really difficult to find.…
- An Amendunum (Made Up Word!)by Stephen JohnsonWow. Some online help ya sites are just mean. Guess I didn’t follow their strict rules last week so we didn’t get paid. This reminds me when “Crocodile Dundee” came out and it was such a big hit. So big of a hit that I decided to get a film crew and actors together and make a good ole USA…
- The Presentby Stephen JohnsonStephen JonhnsonGuess I’ll just talk about the present this week. I did remember something from our glorious past earlier this week, but forgot what it was. Must be age catching up or that nasty head wound that still leaks a little and it’s been awhile now. Went to get the mail this past Friday and noticed a dead spot on…
- I Try And Save Your Childhood (No Thanks To Bob)by Stephen JohnsonFound a way to make money for this site! Learned it from listening to podcasts, so let us begin. Bob’s latest post is supposedly part two of his ramblings, but wasn’t there already a part two before this part two? I think there was. He rambles on a bit more and mentions something about a “disco party”. That’s interesting since…
- I Gots Lotsa Screensby Stephen JohnsonInstead of defending poppa and how he made Omaha the “city” it is today, I must take the time to talk to a person or two. Hey, guys (or gals). Just stop it. You think you know the internet when you really know nothing. When you weren’t even a thought in someone’s mind, I was here. I knew the internet…
- I Ruin Bob’s Starla Story (Because I Can)by Stephen JohnsonI want to ruin Bob’s story about Starla and tell you what happened to her. It probably won’t ruin his whole story, but the end will most definitely be ruined. It’s really sad since she hadn’t mastered how to ride an escalator. They had been around for awhile, but they finally came to Omaha around the late 50’s. This was…
- Now You’ll Know Where George Got His Ideaby Stephen JohnsonSkim Bob’s column about how we met and you’ll notice something strange yet familiar. Those that have swell reading retention might notice that a certain motion picture from the 80’s stole our real life adventure and made into a space movie. Yet we got zero stinking pennies from it. We tried. We wrote letters to George, tried to send him…
- Kids These Days. Sheesh!by Stephen JohnsonThis past Tuesday a couple kids decided to sell lemonade at the end of their driveway which just so happened to be directly across the street from me. You know,m they’re kids, they need money for something I guess. The woman had already purchased three cups of lemonade and gave them $11 even though it was only a buck a…
- Baking Lasagna And Wasting Our Timeby Stephen JohnsonI’m currently baking lasagna so have time to waste. Yours AND mine! For those wondering, this is NOT made from scratch. If it was, that would mean that I would have had to grow the cheese, the sauce, the noodles, the meat and whatever else is in lasagna. That’s just silly thinkin’. So……….. Bob took a vacation in a state…
- Maybe It Was Me?by Stephen JohnsonI had some interesting things to tell all you folks last week but something happened so I didn’t tell you anything at all. We have a storage shed located somewhere north of Las Vegas. I decided to fly out there a couple weeks ago to see what other oldies but goodies I could dig up. I noticed a rather interesting…
- See? I Wasn’t Lying!by Stephen JohnsonThere’s been some people claiming that I’m making up all this stuff about us being in business well before the internet. Luckily for all of you doubters, Bob posted some very legit pictures of us before that said internet. That should make you all happy. Yes, typing “you all” is easier than typing “y’all”, morons. What I did not know…
- Let’s Make The Dandelion A Flower And Other Crapby Stephen JohnsonWell, I got around 50 minutes of my life back since two shows that I watch(ed) were cancelled. Can I replace those shows with another show or shows? Sure. But I’m really excited that I’ll have around 50 minutes more to myself starting around September of this year. If ALL those shows I watch were cancelled, then I would have…
- Thanks, Crest!by Stephen JohnsonWas going to go to the way back machine again but accidentally saw a commercial that really bugged the heck out of me. Basically, it told the story of a young girl and her teeth. You would think it was something from the days of b&w television since it was in b&w. I felt sorry for the young lass in…
- No Shortages With Cokeby Stephen JohnsonIn 1986 we finally got a copier! It cost quite a bit of money back then but price didn’t matter to us since we were using the cocaine. We might have bought the copier with cocaine, but the 80’s are mostly a blur to me for some reason. What didn’t help was the great paper shortage of 1986. Nobody had…
- We Have New Neighbors!by Stephen JohnsonDidn’t notice until today that we have new neighbors! Should have figured it out when there wasn’t a temporary barricade built in the fall season so any leaves in our yard didn’t happen to blow into theirs. This hasn’t happened for a few years, so I just figured the man of the house had died and the lady didn’t care…
- Wait! What’s With This New Chick Shit For Chic Chicks?by Stephen JohnsonI just noticed something. Someone is pretending to be Melissa Paternik. Someone has stolen her fine name and has been submitting posts to “Chick Shit For Chic Chicks” claiming to be her. For one thing, I have to admit “Chick Shit For Chic Chicks” is an awesome title for a column. I think this started around 70 years ago with…
- Somebody Stole My Radioby Stephen Johnson“Somebody stole my radio.” I found that old chestnut in one of the print versions of TheWeirdcrap! Guess during that time I drank heavily. Seems that I went to a bar and instead of listening to the band, I drank and listened to what I wanted to listen to on a battery operated radio. People around me asked me to…
