This column won’t make any sense unless you read last week’s column first, “Bob Commits Votes for Trump…AGAIN!!!“
“So, what’s the deal?” Bel asks.
“Well, back in 2016 Trump had a “get the vote out” campaign which targeted independents.” I explain.
“Yeah?…”
“Some of the volunteers were actually paid escorts who were instructed to use thier feminine ways to convert folks. Well, one showed up at my house. She told me that on Trump’s second term he planned to change the law so Presidents can be in office for more than two terms…you know, keep running for ever…like Putin. She didn’t just want me to vote for Trump that year, she wanted me to promise to vote Trump for the rest of my life…”
“So, you voted for Trump in exchange of sex?” Bel asks.
“No, these weren’t prostitutes, they were escorts. As you know, sex isn’t ‘part of the deal.’ but if an escort likes you, well, it’s not off the table….” I continue….
She asked if I wanted to go for a little ride and talk Trump.
So, I said, “OK.”
I remember every little thing, as if it happened only yesterday.
We found a nice cozy place to park facing the forest across from the Good ‘Ol Boys Tavern.
I had the ball game on the radio, so things started getting romantic:
[Radio Broadcast:]
OK, here we go, we got a real pressure cooker going here. Two down, nobody on, no score, bottom of the ninth.
There’s the wind-up, and there it is, A line shot up the middle, look at him go! This boy can really fly…
He’s trying for third, here’s the throw…It’s in the dirt, safe, safe at third.
The suicide squeeze is on, here he comes, squeeze play, it’s gonna be close.
Here’s the throw, here’s the play at the plate…Holy cow, I think he’s gonna make it…
“STOP RIGHT THERE! My “date” interrupts.
“I gotta know right now…
Before we go any further, will love him?
Will you love him forever? Do you need him? Will you never leave him?
Will you make him so happy for the rest of his life?
Will you vote for Trump, will you vote Trump for life?
I gotta know right now…before we go any further, will you vote Trump, will you vote Trump FOREVER…”
“Oh, Baby, let me sleep on it. Baby, baby Let me sleep on it.
Let me sleep on it and I’ll give you an answer in the morning…” I reply.
“I GOTTA KNOW RIGHT NOW!
What’s it gonna be boy? Yes or no.
Yes…or…no.”
I couldn’t take it any longer, feeling came upon me like a tidal wave.
I started swearing to my god and on my mother’s grave, that I’d vote Trump ’til the end of time.
I swore I’d vote Trump ’til the end of time.
So now I’m praying for the end of time…
To hurry up and arrive…
‘Cause if I have to cast another vote for Trump, I don’t think that I can really survive.
I’ll never break my promise or forget my vow.
But God only knows what I can do right now…
Praying for the end of time, it’s all that I can do, do, dooooooo.
Praying for the end of time, So I can end…my…votes…for…Trump…
Well, it was long ago, and it was far away, and there was such less baggage than there is today.
It was long ago, and it was far away, and there was such less baggage than there is today.
It was long ago, and it was far away, and there was such less baggage than there is today.
I keep chanting….
“BOB…BOB!!!” Bel breaks my trance.
“Yeah?”
“Have you seen this girl since?” He asks.
“No, I never saw her again…”
“You don’t have to keep that promise…that’s nonsense.”
“Oh, OK.”
AND NOW YOU KNOW!
Song in my head:
COMING NEXT: Who cares?
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