Bob Turns to Bel for Help

Following Stephen’s advice, I sought out Bel for help on how to make money to pay for a “Bat-Guy” to get rid of bats in our attic.

Bel was in his church preachin’ about gettin’ you’re life saved and finding the Jesus. So I ask. “Where do we find the Jesus?”

“Shut-up, Bob. I’m working.” Then we went on about being saved and blessed by the Jesus.

“So, I find the Jesus, then he puts a blessing on my head. Just like the tailor Montel Kamzoil?”

“Yes, just like the tailor…just see me after the sermon.” He replies.

So, I shut up and wait.

“…and so that’s why I need to make some sweet-moola. To get rid of the bats.” I explain after the sermon.

Then his dog, who he named “The Lord.” barked three times.

“Ok, ok, I’l help him.” Bel replied. “Look, the lord said to go ahead and put a blessing on your head so you can make some of that sweet-moola.” The he put his arms in the air…”Verily, verily, I say unto thee, you shall be hence-forth a god, a god of rain. The clouds will love you and follow you wherever you go, and bring forth the gift of rain.”

Then he explains, “We’ve had this heat wave all around the world…go to the rain starved places sell your presence for money and rain will come upon that place.”

But he didn’t give me any instructions, I really didn’t know how to control my God given powers, and right off the bat it started raining…inside the church!

“Now, go-on now…git. We’re all getting soaked!” And he sent me on my way.

So I get in my car and drive home. It’s raining in the car…I don’t know how to stop it.

I get home and the ol’ lady says I gotta sleep outside ’cause the carpets getting wet.

These clouds sure do like me.

The next day, I go to the mayor, and tell her I can bring rain to our dry city…for a price. She opens up the curtains and says, you mean like that…”

I look out, and sure enough it’s a downpour.

So I go home, to my tent, empty handed.

I notice my hands are all wrinkly because I’ve been wet of two straight days now. And when I walk, my feet go squish-squish-squish…on account of all the water in my shoes.

The next day, I caught a cold and my feet started to swell up ’cause of all the water. I tried putting plastic bags over ’em with a rubber band around my ankles, to keep the water out, but the bags just got wet inside.

This was no good. I didn’t like being a rain God, so I head back to Bel and explain that, this is no good.

He wouldn’t let me in his church, on account of all the water and we had to talk outside.

Then he told me that I looked like a bloated California raisin who’s done too much crack and didn’t know when to get out of the damn shower.

Then, The Lord barked three times.

“Ok, I’ll do it…” He waived his hands in the air and talked some mumbly-bumbly Christian stuff and the clouds cleared. “The Lord said you’ve learned your lesson and allowed me to take the curse off.”

“I thought I was gettin’ a blessing…” I retorted.

“A blessing in disguise, now that you’ve learned your lesson…now go! And speak of this to no one!” He said in a grand voice.

“What lesson?” I asked, “What lesson?”

“Go!” he commanded.

So I left, swearing not to tell a soul.

But he didn’t say anything about writing all this down. He just said don’t tell anyone…so I guess I’m in the clear.