Dating advice!

Susan writes:

Hey bob, I got a date with a guy I kinda like and want to look nice. My roommate Candy invited me to pick through her clothes, because she goes out a lot.

I like Candy, but she kinda dresses like a whore. My dilemma, I wanna look nice but I don’t want to get arrested!

Dear Sue:

I’m not much of a fashion person, but I know what I like.

You should mix and match your clothes with hers, so you get a little bit country and a little bit rock n’ roll.

Definitely wear your own bottom, one of your pants or skirt thingy. Sounds like Candy’s bottoms might have secret latches and what-not that could un-do and your doo-hicky would end up on display.

Wear your own underware, sharing underwear is gross!

Find her most conservative top and wear that. She probably shows off her boobs a lot and last I checked, guys like boobs.

I don’t know nuthin’ about ladies shoes…so your on yer own on that.

In short, stay shy of showing flesh, but don’t be afraid to show a little shape. And don’t let your doo-hicky show!

The Date:

Here’s some more helpful advice for the big night.

Make him come to the door. If he sits outside and honks, just wait till he comes to your place to pick you up. If he honks for more than 15 minutes, politely go to his car and ask him to step out of the car.
Then kick him in the nuts.

Let him open the door for you. If he doesn’t offer, kick him in the nuts.

At dinner, chew with your mouth closed, even if he chews like a starving cow grazing in the meadow. This is just something guys do, we don’t read “Dear, Abby” so let this one slide.

If he farts while your waiting in line to a movie, kick him in the nuts and go home.

If he farts on the way to the car, but it’s not too loud…let it slide.

If he insists you pay for popcorn because he paid for the tickets – congratulations, you just made a friend and friends don’t make-out.

Speaking of sex, don’t do anything Candy tells you. If you like him, pretend like you want to, but you just can’t…you just can’t!

Bring cab money. If he’s a real jerk-face or if he treats you with disrespect, kick him in the nuts and call a cab.

That’s all I know about dating.

To tell the truth, I can’t figure out why women even like men. Last week, the ol’ lady took my picture holding baby gurl II (almost a year), and she looked so pretty like a porcelain doll. Then I look at me and I look all un-shaven, scars on my face, a big ‘ol Durante nose hangin’ down.

And I think…not lookin’ so good.

But it’s not just me, all guys. Women are all soft and purdy-like with nice skin, curves, and pretty hair and outfits. To me, it makes sense that men find women attractive, because they are.

But just what is it that makes a women attracted to an out of shape, hairy-backed, buck-toothed, nose-picking slob, who thinks buttoning a flannel shirt is dressing up?

Seems to me that a women’s urge to reproduce is so strong, they are forced biologically to be attracted to our sorry, smelly asses in order to kick out the kids.

But then again, maybe I think soft is attractive ‘cause I’m all harsh. And a woman thinks harsh is attractive, because she’s all soft. Opposites attracts thing?

Gee, now none of us know?

COMING NEXT: GONE FISHING!

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