I have a confession to make.
The last gut wrenching, LOL column was not an original piece. Right now Stephen Johnson is shouting, “I knew it…I KNEW IT!”
For those who don’t know, Stephen is my old friend who writes the “Lunatic Ravings” column on this site. Stephen is a strange little man who does not work, and whose breath oddly smells of monkey penis.
Anyways, back to me! I was too lazy to write something new, so I posted something from the Ask Bob archives back in 2001. All the more reason you should go to the original sites column archives at theweirdcrap.com. You see, these were written ten years ago, and back then, I was younger, most likely drunk, and very silly.
Now I’m old and responsible, and my day is highlighted if I get a half hour of peace and quite with an opportunity to read the local paper. Last week I reviewed the columns that summarized how each Republican will cure the economy:
Cain: He saw the movie “2012” and thought about changing his economic plan from 9-9-9 to 6-6-6, on account of the apocalypse. But while he was being interviewed by the attractive young reporter, he spontaneously changed it to 69-69-69. He now has another pending lawsuit.
Romney: Explained that a sound economic plan is too complex to fit in a 7 second sound bite. But to really make a swing in the positive direction, there are a combined 355 different options that can be controlled legislatively. If 35% of these possible changes were implemented within a 295 day time period, then…(interview ended here).
Bachmann: She rambled on with a wish list of all the things “Obama” that she would like to reverse. Then she offered to cure the reporter of his homosexuality with Gods help. The reporter explained that he was not gay and there was a long uncomfortable pause…
Perry: Didn’t want to think about it, he was on his way to go fishing at N****r creek, then he was gonna go camping at Wet-Back Mountain.
The folks occupying Wall Street are still at it.
Good for you…bad for billionaires and their Republican minions.
Speaking of Gaddafi, I have a thrilling eyewitness account of his last moments. I found the guy on the internet (did a google, “I killed Gaddafi”), and it pulled up this guys name…I interviewed him via skype:
Me: Tell me how it all started.
GK: First we blowed up his convoy and he took to runnin’.
Then, we dragged him out of a drainpipe. Then, I proceeded to hit him over and over and over and over. A crowd was developing and I had to push people out of my way to get a good punch in…but I kept on hitting him over and over and over and over and…
Me: Then he died?
GK: No, he was still squirming about all suspicious like. I thought he was gonna get away!
Me: So you handcuffed him?
No, but I guess that would have worked. Instead I hit him on the head with a shovel.
Then I jabbed him with a pitchfork!
Then I backed up a good 5 feet, ran and did a flying jack-knife Steve Austin style! Yaaaaahoooooo!!!
Then I picked him up and threw him over my shoulder and slammed onto the hood of a truck. Then I did it again, and again! AND AGAIN!!!
Then, he was a still squirming around all suspicious like, so I got out
my gun and shot him square in the head! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
(At this point tears started running down his face as he sobbed very loudly.)
GK: …and then, and then…BWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH. Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo…
Me: …and then?
GK: And then, THE LORD CALLED THE POOR SOUL HOME!
And that’s the end of that…
Back to the occupy Wall Street Party.
With “Anonymous” on the attack, and “Occupy” movement…I think the age of ignorance may be coming to a close. “Anonymous is correct in that we have a world economy that is based on the value of a shiny rock (gold). Pretty silly when you think about it.
It’s getting cold outside, I think the occupiers should pack up, keep in touch and exercise their beliefs politically. I think Obama is trying to help the common guy; however, tea partiers and Republicans really walk hand-in-hand with the elite.
They say they speak for the common Joe, but their actions show different. For example, Boehner was unwilling to tax billionaires to gain revenue, but he’s willing to raise premiums for Medicare to help with the deficit. In short, it’s ok to collect more money…as long as it comes from the poor, elderly and handicapped.
Yup, he’s got your back all right.
I would be nice if Anonymous did their hacking thing and convinced Boehner and Cantor to do one good thing for America before they are voted out of office.
And now you know!
COMING NEXT: How Senitram fell from grace!