Frank Furter from Osage Beach:
How come everytime I play basketball they keep scoring goals because the goalie isnt doing anything. He has 3 white balls, a carrot nose and nog long stick arms and still isn’t blocking the goals. The ball also weighs 15 pounds so we have to roll it?
Dear Frank Furter:
Well, I don’t think you’re playing basketball. I think your playing hockey and your goalie just might be a snowman. But there’s only one way to find out for sure.
You see, me, Jerome and Stephen, used to play hockey every Sunday. Jerome was our goalie, but during one game he just stood there motionless staring straight ahead. He never blocked the puck, he wouldn’t respond when we talked to him. He just stood there. After the game, he didn’t leave…just stood there staring out into space. We didn’t think much about it at the time.
But then the next Sunday, he was still there, wearing the same clothes, still staring straight ahead. During the game he never moved, after the game…he still don’t move!
So me and Stephen came to the conclusion that somebody went and replaced our Jerome with a fancy snowman and there was only one way to find out.
We ran to my house, boiled a big pot of water, then we ran back to the park and dumped it on Jerome’s head.
He didn’t melt! Instead he started runnin’ around and a screamin’ like a crazy madman. But at least we got him movin’.
We figured he weren’t a snowman.
His face turned all red and little bubbles started forming on his big swelled head.
In a way, we felt partly responsible. But then we figured if he wasn’t such a freak, standing there for two weeks without saying a word, then this never would have happened. So it was still his fault. But still, we wanted to help just the same.
Lucky for us there were some fishermen doin’ some winter fishin’ at a pond close by. So we grabbed Jerome by the collar and dragged him over to the hole in the ice, and dumped him in. Then we waited for him to come climbing out of that freezin’ water. We waited and waited…no Jerome. We wait some more, but he don’t come back.
The next thing I know, we’re explaining the whole thing to the police. I tell ’em that Jerome probably found a hole at the bottom of that pond which lead to the other side of the world, where it’s nice and warm. That’s why he never came back.
The didn’t believe me and we end up in jail for killing Jerome. While in Jail, I get drug tested and they send me to rehab.
Two weeks later, Jerome climbs out of the hole in the ice – Stephen gets let out of jail, but they keep me in rehab!
We ask him why he don’t move for two weeks, and all he says is, “…I was thinkin’.”
Then he says he found a hole in the bottom of the pond. He swam in it and it lead to the other end of the world where it was nice and warm, so he decides to stay there and chill for a while.
Recently, in “Lunatic Ravings, Stephen says I was in jail for two weeks for taking too many drugs. Like that’s possible. He exaggerated, I was only in jail for 3 days, then I got thrown in rehab to get me off them drugs and alchohol.
Of course as soon as I got out, I go back to my old ways. But the staff was real nice to me while I was there.
In appreciation toward all those who helped keep me sober for two weeks, and to celebrate the holiday season, I wrote this little “didley.”
I call it…
“The 12 Days of Rehab.”
On the Twelfth day of rehab, by Doctor gave to me,
Twelve Mg’s methadone,
Eleven mood stabilizers,
Ten minutes counseling,
Nine Acetyl-choline shots,
Eight samples Amineptine,
Seven-ty five Mg’s Dothiepin,
Six Serotonin Inhibitors,
Five Anti-panic drugs,
Two Prozac Pills,
And a Nicotine Patch for my arm.
And now you know!