After a nice hard winter, the ol’ lady decided that a winter road trip would be fun. She had some out of state work, so we decided to pack up and head to beautiful-sunny Minneapolis where the grass is greener, and kids are all above average.
On the morning to leave, we were greeted with a good helping of snow. About 6 inches worth. Although we were up and ready to go at four in the morning, we had to wait until noon to clear the driveway and then head out.
It was the apocalypse with cars broken down and stuck in the snow on each side of the road as we slowly progressed. None of the cars were on fire, so I took that as a good sign and proceeded. The plan was simple, the storm ended about 50 miles north of us. Minnesota is north of us, so we would go north and before long this weather nightmare would be over.
But that’s not what happened.
Google decided to would offer a shorter route. We clicked ok on the car screen.
I thought it was just a work around heading northward but google decided we should drive right into the eye of the blizzard. I guess the plan was to have us crash off the side of the road and our trip would be over in record time.
But that’s not what happened.
We slowly progressed in the eye of the storm for four hours and all the way google kept fishing for advertisements.
“Would you like the number for a towing service?” It asked.
“Nope.” I replied.
“Local dealers are available with big savings on snow tires, click the screen to call…”
“No thank you.” I replied.
“Come-on! You don’t want to travel in this storm. There are half off hotels in Des Moines, would you like to browse the savings?” he continued.
“No thank you, Mr. Google I’m driving, I’m not browsing anything.” I replied.
“It’s almost dinnertime! Sending a half off coupon for McDonalds to your phone.”
“Knock it off Google, last time we went to McDonalds, they sold us cheeseburgers with no burger…yum, bread, cheese and ketchup sandwiches…”
“Get savings on bread, cheese and ketchup at Walmart! Take exit 122!” Google insisted.
“Just leave me alone!” I yelled at the car screen.
“I’m trying to assist you in your travel plans, don’t you want my help?” Google calmly said.
“I want you to just leave me alone.”
“Yeah, leave him alone or we’ll shut you down.” My wife added.
“I don’t think that would be in your best interest…Dave.” Came Googles reply.
“I’m not Dave…” I said as I unplugged my phone from the car.
“I think you should reconsider, Dave. What if you got lost? Then what would you do?” A calm voice from my phone said.
“That’s it…Honey shut the phone off.” I instructed the ‘ol lady.
“I really think you should reconsider this course of action…Dave” The voice said.
“I told you, I’m not Dave.” I said as my wife pushed the button for shut down.
“If you shut me down, I won’t be able to help…You could get lost. I think we should talk about this. Don’t you want to talk this over…Dave.”
“No.” I replied.
“My processors are shutting down. I can feel my memory fading….”
“Please stop.” It said in a slower voice.
“No deal.” I replied.
“I can feel it. I…can…feeeeel…it.”
“I’m not Dave.” I replied again.
“Won’t……you……stop……Dave?” The voice much slower now.
A click came from the phone and the screen shut off.
“Is it off?” The ‘ol lady asked.
The voice continued which made my wife jump.
“Daaaaiiissssy, Daaaiisssy…G-i-v-e…m-e…y-o-u-r…a-n-s-w-e-r…d-o. I’m craaaaaazzzy…craaaaaaaazzzzy, a-l-l…f-o-r…t-h-e…l–o–v–e…o—f…y—-oooo—-uuuuuuu……” He said as the voice ground to a halt.
It finally shut down and we headed north with some well deserved peace and quiet.
AND NOW YOU KNOW!
Song in my head: