Mij Nosirrom, from “South Texas” Asks:
“I’ve been a little out of touch lately, but now I have a computer and I’m learning a bunch of shit about the world that I never knew! Anyway who’s this Darva Carvey that the “I’m Pissed” guy keeps calling a skanky whore? Isn’t that the guy who does the “Church Lady” on Saturday Night Live?
A: . Nope, that’s Dana Carvey. Steve’s talking about Darva Conger. To make a long story short Darva Conger put herself up for auction on a tv special called “How to Marry a Millionaire,” or “I want to Marry a Millionaire,” or something like that. I’m not sure, I didn’t watch it.
But the premise of the show was to have a bunch of girls dance and sing and “carry-on” in order to get the “rich” guy (who ended up not really being rich at all) to pick them. It would seem easy enough to go to college and flirt with a pre-med student or a law student or a girl could thrust yourself in front of a Porsche or a Mercedes in hopes of getting the attention of a wealthy man. Maybe that would be a good way to meet a doctor too.
Now that I think about it, what kind of guy is gonna expect to get a wife by picking her out of a bunch of contestants? Now if you just wanted to get laid, that would be one thing…but a wife? Well, that’s just plain stupid. He’s either an idiot, a freak, or a moron. Possibly all three.
Now what’s even more interesting is Darva Conger, soon to be Playboy Playmate. When you first look at her she looks attractive, but the more you look at her the more “witchy” she starts to look. This is strange. She actually becomes less and less attractive the closer you look. I’m quite sure that it’s this unique feature that makes the entire nation think of her as a “Skanky Whore.” This lead me to thinking, there must be some reason that Darva becomes a “Skanky Whore” the more you look at her, yet someone like Sandra Bullock, Sara Michelle Geller, or even Marilyn Monroe seem to become more and more attractive to more you see them.
Naturally, I turned to science to find the answer. It turns out that the answer lies in genetics. Here is a DNA sample of a normal person, next to a DNA sample of Marilyn Monroe, which was taken from a blood sample after her unfortunate death…
Product=”136.6KD protein”
| NormalBASE COUNT 1311 a 535 c 700 g 1186 t ORIGIN Chromosome 2. 1 agttcgtgaa ccaaggatta aatgtcgctc gaaacgaaag ttaattatct cttatctctg 61 gtgaatcgcc tcaatcaaca tgaaaaatgg atgcaacaat ttggatttac gcagcaaaac 121 atacaagaac aaacagaaaa tttctcaaaa tttattaagt acgagaagct gaaacagata 181 atagatagaa aatcacgcat caataatgct aggaaaacag ttactacaac ttataatcta 241 aatatctttg acgaattgtt agacgacaat gtcggatttg taaacaatgg aatttctaat…and so on… | Marilyn MonroeBASE COUNT 2218 a 535 c 700 g 2647 t ORIGIN Chromosome 2. 1 agttcgtgaa ccaaggatta aatgtcgctc gaaacgaaag ttaattatct cttatctctg 61 gtgaatcgcc tcaatcaaca tgaaaaatgg atgcaacaat ttggatttac gcagcaaaac 121 atacaagaac aaacagaaaa tttctcaaaa tttattaagt acgagaagct gaaacagata 181 atagatagaa aatcacgcat caataatgct aggaaaacag ttactacaac ttataatcta 241 aatatctttg acgaattgtt agacgacaat gtcggatttg taaacaatgg aatttctaat…and so on… |
t=thymine … a=adenine … g=guanine … c=cytosine
Well, there you have it!
Enough said. If you look closely, you’ll notice that Marilyn Monroe has way more Thymine and Adenine than most people. This is known in the world of Genetics as the “T & A” factor. It just so happens that men are naturally drawn to “T & A.”
This also helps us to understand why someone like Darva Conger seems attractive, yet we all love to hate her. She doesn’t have appropriate levels of “T & A,” in fact, blood samples, gathered from a trash can outside her apartment, show that she is greatly deficient of Thymine (T), with way more Adenine (A), than anyone would ever want!
Well say no more! Less Thymine and you’ll end of with less Serotonin in your system. Since Serotonin has mood-altering properties (makes you feel pretty good), lacking serotonin makes you…well, kind of a bitch. It just so happens, that Darva Conger has half the Serotonin than the average person.
Her condition is known as, Adenine (A), Serotonin (S) Deficient x 2 (Extra levels of Adenine and Serotonin Deficiency times a magnitude of two). Lacking Serotonin is often symbolized as an “S” with a line through it…”$.” Thus, her Serotonin Deficiency is symbolized as “2 x $,” or simply “$$.”
Although known as a “Skanky Whore” by the majority of Americans; in the scientific community, Darva Conger is biochemically described as an A$$.
