Guest Writers

Lunatic Columns, Blogs, Nonsense

We’ve been writing our columns since 1999 and still nobody reads them…but they just keep coming!

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  • More Pummelin’!
    Those boomerangs were suggestively sharpened. “W-w-w-w-w-w-hat do you want?” I asked with tonally abject fear. “Oh, you know,” he replied brandishing those boomerangs in a stunningly objective way. Suddenly there was a clatter behind me and Slait’s eyes widened in unabashed unease. “W-w-w-w-w-w-hat is THAT?” he asked in a dumbfounded way. I turned around and there was Jerome minus a … Read more
  • Adventures in Telemarketing Part II
    Who am I kidding, there’s not much adventure in telemarketing. Last week, the excerpt from the ask bob column got removed from Instagram and Threads. We’re also on Twitter or X or whatever they decide to call themselves next week. So in the excerpt, I had the quote, “GOD DAMN IT GRANDPA…LOOK AT THIS BEER!!! It’s all cloudy, I told … Read more
  • I’m back!!!
    I’m back again! I need to clear up some of the misinformation that has been written about me the last two weeks: A) I was in jail, but I never tried to escape nor was I taken hostage. This was a ploy thought up by the guys at this website. What really happened was that I and some of the … Read more
  • Pummelin’!
    Those butter knives were positively gleaming. “W-w-w-w-w-w-hat do you want?” I asked with totally abject fear. “Oh, you know,” he replied brandishing those knives in a brutally obtuse way. Suddenly there was a clatter behind me and Slait’s eyes widened in unadulterated horror. “W-w-w-w-w-w-hat is THAT?” he asked in a flabbergasted way. I turned around and there was Jerome and … Read more
  • Adventures in Telemarketing Part I
    Dan Writes: I got a phone call about a policeman’s ball. Should I buy one? Dear Dan: You can if you want too, but don’t expect much. A long time ago, I got a call to buy a ticket for the “The Policeman’s Circus.” It sounded fun and I would be supporting the police. Most people buy these tickets with … Read more
  • A Fugitive From Justice
    Here’s the latest update on Melissa, fugitive from justice, go-go dancer and all-around woman of the world: We hired some cheap investigators to track down Melissa. What they have reported to us is shocking, but typical of Melissa. She is currently travelling with 3 other females, all hardened criminals like herself. Our eyewitnesses reports that they are travelling around the … Read more
  • Transplantin’!
    The year was 1971. I had just seen a documentary film in a local theater that got me to thinking about stuff that I could file away for future use. This doc was simply incredible. It told the story of a man that had an additional head transplanted on his body. Why they did this, I have no idea but … Read more
  • Whole Lotta Poops Goin On…
    Sandy writes:Hi Bob! I have this problem I hope you can help me with. My husband, Steve, has the smelliest poops ever known to man! Sometimes the smell just floats out of the bathroom and makes the whole house small like a smelly gas station bathroom. In the winter time, we can’t open the windows because its too cold out … Read more
  • Finally Out?
    We are sorry to inform those who look forward to Melissa’s words of wisdom every week that she is missing. We were told by prison authorities that she had escaped with 10 other prisoners and a statewide manhunt is in progress. We have no idea why she would escape or how she could have planned it since she has a … Read more
  • I Fess Up!
    If you read Bob’s latest (and who does), he mentions us going someplace in Illinois to check out a water tower where I came up with the brilliant idea to scrub off all the paint and what Bob thought and still thinks was the city name. What’s funny is that it wasn’t a city name. What was written on the … Read more


Visit the archives to discover columns by other writers such as P.S. Gifford, Bel Garion, Melissa Paternick, and Brian Petre. This content has absolutely nothing to do with reality, so it doesn’t really matter when they were published.

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