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  • The Forbidden Time Zone: PART 15- Cindy’s Story
    Cindy’s mind stopped for a moment as she froze, her heart hammering in her chest as her eyes locked onto Bob’s form—outside his body. He was no longer tethered to the mortal world, just as she had once been. She had no words, no explanations, only an overwhelming, suffocating shock. How did he accomplish this? She had never imagined or prepared for this scenario. Bob was becoming something different, something beyond what she was used…
  • Finally, Happiness Comes my Way!
    I have great news for everyone, and there is nothing anybody can do or say that will rid me of my current happiness. First off, I met a man! Now, this isn’t exactly big news since I am every man’s dream, but I have finally met a man who meets all my standards and even surpasses some of them. He treats me like I’m a priceless treasure, which I am. Whatever I want, I get…
  • Trapped in Bob’s Closet, Part 106
    So it turns out Gary Coleman is a Dimension Lord who can get out of Bob’s closet any time he wants and in fact comes and goes as he pleases. The old Chick Shit chick doesn’t talk much. I think she’s got shellshock from some of the things Bob did to her. I guess they don’t call it shellshock anymore. She’s got the PTSDQ. Anyway Gary Coleman schnizzled to an alternate universe where Gilligan’s Island…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 46!
    “YOWZA!” yelled Jerome. He stopped twitching. I stared at him. The HR lady barely glanced at him as she continued searching for some tea. Star Child Two continued its flight, now humming something that could have been “Canary In A Coalmine”. “That’s….it?” I asked, completely letdown. “Yeah,” said Jerome. “Just some aftereffects from all those visits to Crack Whore Village!” “I thought it was ‘Crackwhore Village’?” I asked as the anger rose from my bowels…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 14 – Prologue
    Last week in The Forbidden Time Zone, Cindy had one singular mission: to eliminate Bob, once and for all. But before we dive deeper, let’s clear up some confusion about these multiple universes. The Institute of New Beginnings has misled everyone—including Bob. They never maintained a massive computer that replicated their world to send people to when they died. That’s just what they told the public – a lie. The truth? The Institute was originally…
  • Hey, I am Not Nosy!
    I’m not a nosy person and try to stay out of other peoples affairs, unless I am directly asked to help them out with any problems they might have. Recently I accidentally came across an email from Stephen to Bob, where Stephen explained that he was unable to write anything new this week because he was “mentally constipated”. Don’t believe this for one second. Unlike everyone else here, Stephen puts no thought into what he…
  • Trapped in Bob’s Closet
    Somebody please help me. Bob has got me locked up in his closet. It’s dark and scary in here and it smells funny. In fact it smells like Bob. It smells like Bob if Bob were a truckload of sweaty gym socks and soiled underwear. Which he is. I can’t believe that son of a bitch locked me up in this closet. All for calling him a son of a bitch. And then he faked…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 45!
    When the song and dance was over, we bowed to each other as Jerome continued crying. “Lady,” I said. “Lord,” said the HR lady. “OH, WOULD YOU BOTH STOP!” yelled Jerome. Star Child Two flew down and smashed into Jerome’s head repeatedly. “Ow. OW!” screamed Jerome. “Shall we get some crumpets?” I asked the HR lady. “Oh, yes,” she replied. “And some tea!” “WHY ARE YOU ACTING SO CIVILIZED?” bellowed Jerome. Star Child Two resumed…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: PART XIII
    In case you just joined us in Forbidden Time Zone, usually the Ask Bob column is a collection of true life events, exaggerated into fiction. This, however, is pure fiction. Or is it? So far, future Bob is occupying the mind of his 12 year old self, Bobby. Bob was sent here by the Institute of New Beginnings to witness Bob’s first encounter with The Entity. -Start from the beginning here- The tight grip on…
  • Enough With The Name Calling!
    Well I’ve had just about enough of Bob! He just pulled my last nerve! Even though I try to keep up to date on things happening around me, right now I have something very special in my life and some things have passed me by. I do my best to offer the best advice to people and point out their faults so that they can become a better person, or someone like me. However, some…
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    The New Devil’s Dictionary by Spamrider: Snooze Button (n):  An invention of the Devil created right after inventing the alarm clock.
  • The Journey To HR, Part 44!
    “Of course, I told him no. He was wet and greasy and his hair was a little bit on fire.” “Just like the typical Bob,” I muttered. “Yep, sounds just like Bob,” said the HR lady. Star Child Two didn’t say anything but started humming something that could have been “The Bob Song”. “Well, he offered me some caramel creams and you know how I LOVE those caramel creams. I had no choice but to…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: PART XII
    Previously on Forbidden Time Zone: Part XI, Bob’s occupying his younger self’s body, going about his boring routine in a small, two bedroom apartment, with strict orders not to leave when no one was home. It was two week’s living in this monotonous, poverty stricken, hell-hole, when there was a knock on the door. Bobby peeked thru the peep hole to find a pretty green eyed girl. Bobby slowly opened the door, feeling his pulse…
  • A Quickie!
    This week will be a quickie (which should appeal to all my male readers) since I have much better things to do than attempt to correct the wrongdoings in your life. From Walden in Missoula, MT: If there is a fight between you and the mystery woman, would mud or jello be involved? Walden, my main goal in life is to make people like you happy, so it probably will be mud or jello or…
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    New Devil’s Dictionary by Spamrider Satire:  [In an increasingly insane world this word has been rendered both obsolete and meaningless.  It is démodé.  Kaput.  Satire is utterly dead, my friends.  May it rest in rebellious peace.]
  • The Journey To HR, Part 43!
    Jerome continued yakking. “He filled the bathtub with cold water, dumped the whole bottle of bubble bath in, and then sprayed the bubbles with WD40. Then, fully clothed, he dove into the tub and was under the bubbles, water and WD40 for quite a long time, so long that I was praying that he was finally dead. But, no.” This saddened me. The HR lady looked saddened too. Star Child Two continued with its flying,…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: PART XI
    Last week in Forbidden Time Zone: Part X, Bob was sent back to occupy the mind of his younger self in the simulation, tasked with observing his first encounter with the entity. This wasn’t what he had expected. He shared the mind of his 12-year-old body in a world and timeline he knew nothing about. Bobby—his younger self—was still in control, functioning as normal, totally unaware that Bob’s mind was now occupying his. For two…
  • Who’s That Girl?
    Last week I mentioned that girl hanging around TheWeirdcrap headquarters, but I’m not worried about that right now, because I am at peace with myself and the rest of the world. This is unusual for me, but I’ve turned over a new leaf! I have found “The Way,” and it has brought peace unto my life. Verily, verily, I say unto thee, listen. Listen to the words of wisdom and encompass everlasting peace. Of course,…
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    The New Devil’s Dictionary by Spamrider of the Apocalypse. Deregulation:  Complete eradication of corporate accountability.  Unbinding the hands which would strangle the earth.
  • The Journey To HR, Part 42!
    Star Child Two stopped humming. “I LOVE FUN PARTS!” it bellowed and then continued humming something that could have been “Peg”. The HR lady shrugged her legs like she couldn’t have cared any more about fun parts. I just really, really didn’t care since one persons “fun parts” really aren’t fun. To me. “Bob’s short. I’m tall,” said Jerome. I looked for a place to take a nap. “I mean he’s REALLY short,” continued Jerome.…
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone: PART X
    Finally, Bob was back. But not in the way he had imagined. Previously, in Forbidden Time Zone, Bob had been recruited to fix a problem—one that seemed both monumental and impossible. The world he had entered wasn’t real. It was a simulation—a twisted version of Earth created by the Institute of New Beginnings, where the dead could return and relive their lives. The problem? The history of this simulated Earth had been altered, corrupted by…
  • The Other Woman!
    There’s a new woman hanging around our Weirdcrap offices and I don’t like her one bit. I don’t know why I don’t like her, and I don’t really care why since I am such a great judge of people. All I know is that she’s trouble and I’m going to do everything in my power to get rid of her. Here’s an email I got from Rob in Mobile, AL: “I have this strange feeling…
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    The New Devil’s Dictionary by Spamrider of the Apocalypse. Asshole:  One who prides himself upon subjugating and treating others with derision and disdain.  A sub-category of energy vampire who specifically feeds off of agitation, anger, and hatred. Bitch (n):  A female asshole.
  • The Journey To HR, Part 41!
    He who agreed and who we were pointing out just a bit earlier walked towards us, dragging something behind him. It made that familiar wet and sloshy sound. “Hey, Stephen!” he said as he tried to shake off whatever was caught on his feet. “Jerome?” I asked, quite stunned. “Jerome?” asked the HR lady, not as stunned as I. Star Child Two decided its exploded state wasn’t what he wanted so he became whole again.…
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone: PART IX
    This week in the Forbidden Time Zone: Bob was pulled from his deep sleep. Gabriel was waiting for him. “We had to pull you out quickly. We detected some unusual energy readings entering the database. We were concerned it might be the entity.” Bob tried to mentally shake off the lingering haze. “Good call. It was her, all right. I don’t think it’s safe for me to return there.” “Her, huh? We suspected it was…
  • COMING SOON: The New Devils Dictionary
    Note from the editor: This week, my daughter noticed our dog making a ruckus out back and she goes out to investigate. Turns out, there was a big ugly possum out back. Don’t worry, she didn’t get hurt, because our dog is convinced that anything other than our family or himself in our backyard must be destroyed. Well, he tore up that possum real good and he was dead by the time she went out…
  • Yvonnes Ultra-Special, New Year Special, Special!
    It’s a new year and I’m back. I’m sure that many of you are more than thankful for that since, without me, your life is meaningless. You look at me as your one ray of hope in your pitiful existence. That’s fine with me. But, sometimes I need a break from those that are less than me which is the reason I took last week off. Yet a lot of you kept hounding me with…
  • Spamrider is on Hiatus
    Please Stand By… If you’re reading this, it means The Spamrider of the Apocalypse is off in some alternate dimension, time period, or possibly just wandering through a reality that we can’t even comprehend. The ways of the Spamrider are mysterious, beyond the grasp of mere mortals like us, and thus, not to be questioned. All we can do now is wait patiently for his return… whenever that may be………………………………………………. But, a quick note: if…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 40!
    “That was deep!” screamed the HR lady. Star Child Two remained in its exploded state. “Maybe I should pause for a bit, maybe wait until the new year to continue? That way we all can get our thoughts and….desires in order,” I said, trying to sound as authoritative as possible. What we had been pointing at earlier agreed. “Agreed!” he yelled. That’s how I knew he agreed.
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone: PART VIII
    In this episode of The Forbidden Time Zone… Bob’s mind raced as the flashes of images slowed, his senses overwhelmed by the surge of information. When his life in the real world ended, he was downloaded into this simulation, a place where nothing was as it seemed, and yet everything felt so tangible. His life—a life that had been abruptly yanked from him—was just a mere construct, a replica of the real world maintained in…
  • A Very Special Heartfelt Christmas Message from Yvonne!
    Did you really expect something new on Christmas day? If you did, you really need to get a life. I have better things to be doing then helping others this Christmas Day! Come back next week and maybe I’ll be in a helpful mood. NOW GET LOST! NEXT WEEK: A Very Special New Years Day Special…REALLY!!
  • Dear Bob
    Dear Bob, If you have received this message then that means something seriously fucked up has happened.  Again. In anticipation of this possibility I rigged up a mechanical quantum reality coherence infundibulator to funnel (aka synchro-cast) this message canister into your wife’s underwear drawer in the event of another timeline breach. If there has indeed been a timeline breach, and you are indeed reading this right now, right now being whenever and wherever you happen…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 39!
    I stopped pointing at what I was pointing at while the HR lady continued pointing. “If infinity is just a word and not a number, how could Chuck Norris have counted to it TWICE? Does that make him a super-duper being or what?” The HR lady stopped pointing at what I was previously pointing at and stared at me. “Whoa.” This came not from the HR lady but what we had both been pointing at…
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone: PART VII
    Just in case this is the first installment you’ve come across, it all started in Part I. Last week in “The Forbidden Time Zone” we’ve just uncovered something unsettling about Bob. Both in the simulated world and the real one—he inherited his vast wealth from a dark legacy: his family’s fortune was built by supplying arms to both sides of the United States Civil War, a conflict that has been dragging on for thousands of…
  • Do You Love or Hate my Moronic Coworkers?!!
    When I can take a moment out of my busy schedule, I try to read columns by my moronic coworkers: “Ask Bob”, “Lunatic Ravings”, or “Spamrider of the Apocalypse”. What I have noticed is that Bob always ends his column with a song, but the others don’t. Over the past few months, I’ve received several emails asking why? Bob’s mind wanders a lot while he writes his column due to his drinking/drug problem. A song…
  • Zombie Routines
    So much of what we do we don’t even do. Our Zombie Routines do it for us. That is to say, much of the time we’re essentially on Autopilot. We routinely (see what I did there?) turn various basic daily life functions over to the Zombie Routines, aka the Routine Zombies. And after that the Zombies do it for us. And then we can forget all about it.  Which we do. The Routine Zombies are…
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    The New Devil’s Dictionary by Spamrider of the Apocalypse. Corporation:  A legal entity consisting of persons who have banded together in order to collectively escape personal responsibility for the commission of crimes for which if committed individually they would be hung out to dry.
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone: PART VI
    Previously in My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone, Bob had been living countless lives within simulation time zones since his death. His consciousness, uploaded into this machine, had experienced cycles of existence that blurred into one another. But now, something had gone wrong. The Entity—the one they’d warned him about—had begun to cause serious disruptions in the timeline. And Bob? He’d just been recruited to stop it. Find the Entity. Take it out.…
  • Yvonne Helps through the Busy Holidays!
    I am a little bit tired receiving letters from people asking to help out with their pathetic love lives, so I’m going to take a break from helping the less fortunate. Besides, this time of the year is a very bad time to be alone and those that are are pathetic and beyond my help at this time. Since it’s the holiday season and I feel quite festive, I am going to answer a holiday…
  • Good News Bad News
    So I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is I’ve figured out why I wasn’t able to Jump in this Timeline, and also why and how I ended up here in the first place. Of course it turns out it was all your old Spamrider’s doing. Despite all his big talk, he saw what was coming and got scared shitless.  And then he figured out a way to bail out of this…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 38!
    We stopped pointing at what caused our surprised yelps. We stood there, still stunned. After a few moments, but what felt like minutes, I decided to speak. “I can’t decide if I want a cigarette or pudding right now.” “Seems like we have lots of time, so why not have both?” asked the HR lady. “I don’t have any pudding!” She laughed. This caused me to laugh. Star Child Two laughed. What we were previously…
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone: PART V
    If you missed the last four installments of the Forbidden Time Zone, let me catch you up: Bob found himself trapped in a strange in-between realm after death, not the purgatory we all imagined, but something far worse—a technological purgatory. In this nightmare, the dead had their consciousness stored as data, and then the simulation would start, allowing them to be born again. Bob, however, had paid for the ultimate package: unlimited reincarnations, allowing him…
  • Beardos
    Interestingly in my old timeline it was regular Spock who had the goatee and mustache. Evil alternate universe Spock was clean shaven. At the same time almost everybody on Star Trek had a beard. Kirk had a bear, Bones had a beard, Picard had a beard. Even Uhura and Seven of Nine and Janeway had beards. The only person who never had a beard was Will Riker. They said it made him look too much…
  • Yvonne’s Crazy Advice is a Cut Above the Rest!
    Another week of pathetic Email from with one person saying I have crazy advice. The nerve! I’m just trying to help people like you, who are begging me to help with their pitiful lives. I’m not complaining. I’m just stating a simple fact. Good thing that I’m around. As soon as I have the entire planet following my advice, I’ll be happier and maybe I’ll be able to smile at a stranger. But for know,…
  • The Loop Closes Itself
    I ran into Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible this week! I was drinking a Bloody Mary at a local bar when suddenly I heard this commotion.  When I saw who was at the center of it I literally couldn’t believe my eyes.  Schmelnoz had gotten drunk and was attempting to impregnate three humans at once, much to the chagrin of their husbands and wife. I quickly grabbed Schmelnoz and drug him out of the bar and back to my…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 37!
    We wiped the sick from around our mouths, but let it fester on the floor. There was a loud tearing sound from the poop room. “My goodness,” said the HR lady. “Is someone tearing someone else a new…….” “NO!” I yelled in response. Then came to wet sounds from the poop room. Wet, sloshy sounds. “Hope they’re not doing whatever they’re doing in my poop receptacle,” I muttered to myself. “Ewwww. Do you think they’re…
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone: PART IV
    Last week, in the so called “Forbidden Time Zone” Bob had begun to piece together a vague understanding of the void—or whatever it was that surrounded him now. And he’d learned that his “Unlimited Package” was rare, possibly the best offer available. But that didn’t make him feel any better. “Is anyone going to tell me what that was?” His voice was shaky, something in the air unsettling him. “What?” The man’s tone was almost…
  • Embracing Gratitude, Good Times, and a Bathtub Full of Beans
    I would like to start by embracing gratitude by thanking those of you that recently sent me emails, especially those that were concerned that I might be spending the holiday alone. Quite frankly, it’s really nobody’s business how I spend my holidays! If I want to roll around in a bathtub filled with pork and red beans, that’s my prerogative. I don’t need anyone inviting me over for food and fun because I can find…
  • So Patience is a Virtue
    I just found out today that in this Timeline “Patience is a virtue” is actually a quite common expression. And I do have to say I think it’s a good one. In my timeline the expression used to be “Humility is a virtue.” Which I also thought was a good one. But you’ve got to understand what true humility really is. It’s essentially just being entirely open and honest about yourself, with yourself, and with…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 36!
    “Yes. Yes he does,” I said as I eyed his prone body. I grabbed my handy tape measure and measured him with that same tape measure I just happened to have, from one of the many pockets I also just happened to have. “Yes, definitely taller,” I said. Bob spryly leapt to his feet as though he were someone 60 years younger than he. He saw Star Child Two. He winked at Star Child Two.…
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone: PART III
    In last week’s adventure, Bob found out that he’s definitely deceased. And now he wants answers. “So this is my afterlife, a lot more technical than I expected.” I said, my voice a strange, hollow echo in the darkness. “No, this isn’t an afterlife, but for you, perhaps. I never thought of it like that.” the man’s voice replied with an almost dismissive chuckle. “So, where am I? I mean there must be some part…
  • Thanksgiving Tips and Advice from Yvonne: Expert Holiday Insights
    Time for my Thanksgiving Tips. Tip #1: I need to make a clarification to all the stupid people sending me email asking me stupid questions about stupid things: I AM NOT HERE TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR HOLIDAY COOKING. I COULD CARE LESS IF YOUR STUFFING IS TOO DRY, OR IF YOUR SWEET POTATOES ARE NOT CREAMY. SINCE I HAVE PEOPLE COOK FOR ME, I AM NOT PATHETIC LIKE YOU AND STAND AROUND A STOVE…
  • Charlton Heston
    I was just looking up “Soylent Green” to see if it had been invented yet and I found out that in this timeline they actually made a movie out of it starring Charlton Heston. Now if that doesn’t just beat all. No matter how much I think I may have gotten used to this time/space rift thing invariably something like this comes along and throw me for a loop. In the world I remember Charlton…
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone: PART II
    In last week’s episode, Bob woke in the “Forbidden Time Zone” a void and began conversing with voices in his head. “Don’t tell him that!” the woman scolded. “Look, we’ll do a full wipe this time. A full 24 hours—he won’t remember a thing,” the man’s voice replied, calm but mechanical. “Just like last time. Remember that car accident? Strange case, that one. You and everyone else have free will inside, but we didn’t expect…
  • The Future of Meat
    In the future of the timeline I remember meat was a rare commodity. Most of what you got was Meat Substitute, which was this artificial meat grown in mass quantities inside giant cow, pig, or chicken-shaped molds.  It varied in quality, and sometimes it actually wasn’t bad. But it ain’t meat. I’m not saying the Future I remember is necessarily the same as the Future we are currently heading towards. But just in case it is, you…
  • Domestic Advice from the Domestic Goddess!
    Your Domestic Queen is back and ready to whip all you bitches into shape. But first let’s start with the biggest bitch of all, Bob. That dimwitted, overweight, drunken, excuse for a man, posted last week’s column again this Wednesday! Last night, I emailed him a scolding letter informing him of his incompetence and DEMANDED that he take that post down and post this one, with this new introduction and backdated it to the appropriate…
  • Kurt Russell
    I watched John Carpenter’s The Thing tonight.  I’ve seen it before, or at least I think I have. Great movie by the way. But that’s not why I watched it. I thought maybe seeing Kurt Russell might jar up some old memories of the things I apparently have written about here then subsequently forgotten. Nothing. But considering what I wrote about Kurt Russell, maybe that’s a good thing…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 35!
    Then she vomited some more. Star Child Two swooped down and slurped up a chunk of the vomit. Then it vomited. So did I, just to join in. “Really? Bob?” I asked when I was done. “REALLY!” she screamed. We were then silent as we debated what to do. “Should we open the door?” asked Star Child Two. “Should we open the door?” asked the HR lady. I wondered. Should we open the door? I…
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone
    “I was told the following should never be exposed. The forbidden time zone is not to be trifled with. Or, at least, that’s what they said. But here I am. Writing it down, so I guess I’ll take my chances. When I woke up, it wasn’t like any normal waking. It was as if my mind was suddenly thrust into a void. No sensations, no sight, nothing. Just my consciousness, floating in blackness. It felt…
  • Well Done!
    Well done, alternate-timeline America! You’ve really gone and stepped in it this time. I really hope you’re proud of yourself. In fact, I know you are. We’ll just see how long that feeling lasts I guess. Bravo!

Lunatic Column Archives


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