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- Nice Dreams: Part XIVby Bob SenitramBob just witnessed the horrific scene at the Kellog’s plan, which fits in real nice with the story… After that little scene from last week, Bob stands up and brushes the dirt off his clothes. “Dude, it’s just a manufacturing plant. You should take a chill pill.” Jim points out. “Yeah, you need to relax. Try a little tenderness, now and then.” “Sorry guys, I know I over-reacted at the end of the last column.…
- My Time in Prison!by Melissa PaternikThe time is almost here!!! In a couple of days I will officially become a freak!!! In the meantime, it’s training time for me. Thank goodness I took that drug that caused my wonderful deformity because prison is pretty boring. Before my boob grew, I would wake up at 6 am every day, pee and go get some breakfast. I am on a cellblock that consists of 20 cells that can hold two people and…
- It is Time…by Bob SenitramThis morning, I found a note by The Spamrider, behind the eggs in my fridge that just said, “No column this week, it is time.” I have no idea what that means. Perhaps he’s been recruited for some time traveling episode on another planet or perhaps he let his hair grow too long and it’s time for him to get a haircut… Who knows? -Bob S. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
- The Journey To HR, Part 20!by Stephen JohnsonWhen I woke up, there was no millipede. I also wasn’t hanging upside down. But it felt like something was being jabbed into each armpit. I looked down and saw the HR lady. She had me suspended in the air with two broomstick handles jabbed into those armpits. She walked around the office holding onto the bottom of the broomsticks, making care not to drop me. “Say,” I said. “Say what?” “Oh me, oh my!…
- Dream #9 or Car 54 Where are You?: Part XIIIby Bob SenitramPrologue: Bob is rescued from that hole by the side of the road by the police. When they heard Bob was mixed up with Ma Baker, they convince him to help bring that criminal to justice! “Well, If you think I can be helpful…I’m in!” I reply. “Great! But first, we gotta show you just what Ma Baker did.” Jim adds. “You mean the Kellog’s plant?” “Of course, you gotta see this for yourself.” Barry…
- Terminated!by SpamriderIn the words of another fictitional Time Traveller, “Fuck you, asshole!” No, no, no, that’s not it. It’s, “I’ll be back…” Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
- I Have an Agent!by Melissa PaternikEven though I begged and begged, my agent advised me that I should not tell you about any tricks that I can do with my enormous breast since that would stop people from coming to the show and experiencing my boob live. Kind of depressing, but my agent knows best!! I bet you’re asking how and why I now have an agent!! Well, a single (almost!) gal like me needs someone to guide my career…
- Visits From Schmelnozby SpamriderI’ve been getting fairly regular visits from Schmelnoz over the past several weeks, but it gets confusing as hell because I never know if he’s coming from the Past or from the Future. Very often neither one of us will have any idea what the other is talking about. So mostly we just drink. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
- The Journey To HR, Part 19!by Stephen JohnsonIt felt like it had legs. I could feel those legs tickling my throat so I took a deep breath, and hocked myself a loogie. Most of the phlegm just dripped into my eyes, but I did see something else fly out of my mouth before I was blinded. “Lordy, lord! I am now blind!” I yelled for no particular reason. The door opened and the HR lady peered in. “Trouble?” she asked. “Yes! I’ve…
- Nice Dreams of Action: Part XIIby Bob SenitramPrologue: After being saved from that ship, Bob gets dumped in a hole by Jerome and Melissa who are convinced that Bob is an evil, alien, AI biological robot. And Bob ain’t happy about it! After Jerome and Melissa left, I just sat down for minute nice and quiet. After that temper tantrum I needed a little rest. I noticed the blanket that covered the hole had fell down with me. I fold it nice…
- Quote of the Day #3by Spamrider“I found myself involved in so many doubts and errors, that I was convinced I had advanced no farther in all my attempts at learning, than the discovery at every turn of my own ignorance.” -René Descartes, Discourse on the Method That right there is more than most people ever learn. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
- A Slight Setback…by Melissa PaternikI had a minor setback in my new career!!! All my paperwork was in order for the work release program, when I received word that the travelling freakshow was going to be put on hold for a while because there was a problem with two of the performers. Since this is a high tech travelling freakshow, they had TWO dog people!! What’s even more amazing is that one was male and the other was female!!…
- Aliensby SpamriderSchmelnoz the Incomprehensible at first could be described as bemused whenever he found out that us earthlings still refer to beings from other planets and star-systems as “aliens”. But when I told him that we also refer to our own kind from other countries as “aliens” his bemusement turned into shock and disgust. It isn’t often I’ve seen Schmelnoz actually get disgusted at anything. The guy has pretty much seen it all. Or as he…
- The Journey To HR, Part 18!by Stephen JohnsonYep. I died. On the inside. Not enough, though. I felt more poo wanting to come out, but since I was upside down, it was working it’s way towards my mouth. I screamed. Then I screamed again. I didn’t want my poo in my mouth! “Hey! Anybody there? I need some help! I don’t want poo in my mouth!” The HR lady opened the door and looked in. “What’s that you say?” “I got more…
- Action Packed Nice Dreams: Info Battles: Part XIby Bob SenitramWhen we left off, Bob got dumped in a hole by Jerome and Melissa after being rescued from that boat…If you just joined us, start from the beginning with “Action Packed Dreams: Part I”. “Really, I have no idea what you guys are talking about.” I say from the bottom of the big hole by the lake. “Don’t play stupid with me Bob, we know who you really are! I learned it all from the…
- I AM A FREAK!!!by adminI am almost officially a freak!!!! I have been granted a work permit that allows me to leave prison in order to travel to nearby towns as part of a freak show. This is something all women dream of, and now it’s my reality!!! My breast has now grown to an astronomical size and I can barely walk, much less stand upright. This is great!! I only wish I still was a dancer because the…
- The Icing On The Cakeby SpamriderI was just reading a news article where they used the expression “it’s like the icing on the cake”. Which got me to thinking. Who the hell eats cake with no icing??? The expression “the icing on the cake” as far as I know means something extra and unexpected in addition to something else which you already knew you were going to get anyway. It’s like the icing on the cake. Except it isn’t. Because…
- The Journey To HR, Part 17!by Stephen Johnson“Why do my feet hurt?” I asked. “Because I nailed them to the ceiling!” she replied. “Now maybe your rooty-tooty butt can remember why you’re here!” I tried striking my best JC pose but keeping my arms up like him was a bit tiring, so I let them dangle and experienced the glorious rush of the blood pooling into my brain. Soon my brain and head started to hurt. “Say, have you got a round…
- Nice Action-Packed Dreams: Part X – BETRAYED!!!by Bob SenitramThis action-packed dream is a dream I had while in a coma a few years back.Ok, it wasn’t quite a coma, but I was in a deep sleep. And it really wasn’t a few years ago, more like a few months ago. Well, a few weeks anyway. So, we walk until we see a guy leaning against a car smoking a cigarette. As we approach, I recognize him. IT’S JEROME! One of my oldest friends!…
- I Probably Shouldn’t Even Be Telling You Thisby SpamriderBut since it’s a scientifically proven fact that 99.44% of the time no matter what you say or do you cannot create a time paradox situation whereby you change the Past or the Future which you may or may not have previously inhabited*, here goes… THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS GOING TO BE YOU KNOW WHO! Yeah, that’s right, I said it. And now you can all quit bugging me about it. *This is to…
- I’m Feeling Much Better!by Melissa PaternikMy name is Melissa and I’m back!!! I was speaking to the doctor at the prison, and he told me that I had been in a coma for almost 2 weeks!! He also mentioned something about me turning stupid(er) due to the coma, but that’s doctor talk which is something I don’t understand!! I read the last couple of my columns and saw that I was a complete loon a couple of weeks ago!!! I…
- A Little Future Historyby SpamriderThat was the year the fascists suddenly won elections all over the earth. When the liberals and moderates complained that the whole thing looked pretty fishy and needed to be investigated the fascists simply brushed them aside, reminding them about how they themselves had reacted with scorn and derision to the fascists’ own prior claims of election rigging. When the liberals and moderates and everybody else tried to point out that the fascists’ claims had…
- The Journey To HR, Part 16!by Stephen JohnsonIt was a small fart. But it was quite stinky. She opened windows I didn’t even know were there, turned on fans I didn’t even know were there and opened a bunch of those Renuzit air fresheners I didn’t even know were….there. “Did you ever see the movie ‘Strange Days’?” she asked as she waved her hands in front of her nose. “Why, yes. Yes I have. Actually went to a matinee with Bob. Cost…
- Nice Dreams: Part IX – The Rescue!by Bob SenitramBefore we get to the action-packed rescue, here’s the intro to this tale for those who just joined us. Prologue: Oh, read the other columns that leads up to this already. Starting with Action Packed Dreams Part I (Yeah, I changed the name a few times.) The story so far. I escaped in a life raft with Melissa, and we rowed and rowed until the yacht was just a wee blur in the distance. Now…
- Melissa’s Health…by Melissa PaternikHi. My name is Sid Althamar and I am a doctor at the prison where Melissa is currently incarcerated. I did not want to write this, but I felt obliged to since the test drug I gave Melissa had severe side effects and she is close to death. Because of this, I wanted to keep her millions of fans updated. Melissa is a very interesting person and I can understand why she has a following.…
- The Cosmic Chili, Beer & Weed Festby SpamriderThe Cosmic Chili, Beer & Weed Fest is a celebration that is/was/will be held upon several select and unforgettable occasions and occurs/occurred/will occur at various locations throughout the entirety of traversable time and space. It’s essentially a reoccurring and never-ending party, but a reoccurring and never-ending party that is organized and thrown by Time Travellers, so that you not only never know where the next one’s going to be held, you also never know when…
- The Journey To HR, Part 15!by Stephen Johnson“And you want to file a complaint because of THAT?” she asked as she continued kicking the guard in and around his groin. “Well……yes?” I answered as I tried to get some distance between us. Not quick enough because soon enough she was repeatedly kicking me in and around my groin area. This caused another long line of poo to drop down, ready to be expelled. “ALL THIS WASTE OF TIME BECAUSE OF THAT??!!” “I…
- Nice Dreams: Part VIII – An Unexpected Visit!by Bob SenitramPrologue: I’m sort of a hostage on a yacht, where my days are numbered. So, I figured, I’d make the best of it…–Start from the beginning– I spent the rest of that day drinking shots of Tequila with the big wigs and snacking on hors-d’euvres (or oh-d’fancies). Then we were treated like kings when the kitchen staff brought out dinner for us to dine in long tables set up outside. This was the life of…
- What a Difference a Week Makes!!!by Melissa PaternikWow! What a difference a week can make in your life. I thought I was going to have a special guest write this column, but that’s not going to happen since my good friend Jerome is currently acting out some sort of Messiah complex for Stephen’s new religion. This caused me to go into a deep depression and the prison doctor had no choice but to change my medication to something new. After taking this…
- How Can You Be in Two Places at Once When You’re Not Anywhere at All?by Spamrider“Time is what you read off a clock.” -Albert Einstein The thing most people don’t understand about Time Travel is that you’re also travelling through space. They picture you jumping—let’s say 20 years into The Future—and somehow just appearing in the same spot where you were originally standing. Except it’s not the same spot. Because what most people are not realizing is that everything in our universe is constantly moving around, every thing relative to…
- Nice Dreams: Part VII – A Twist of Fate!by Bob SenitramPrologue: In the proceeding columns, I found myself on a luxurious private ocean liner, mistaken for some kind of scientist. Currently, they all think I’m the guy, except Ezra the man who greeted me when I came out of my drug induced coma. He says, they’ll definitely have my head when the Boss finds out I’m not who they think I am. Then, I find that Melissa Paternick on the boat and she tells me…
- Melissa Shares Her Confidential Email!by Melissa PaternikAfter thinking long and hard about it, I decided to email Bob and Stephen and give them one more chance to correct their evil ways. I felt this would be a show of girl power and prove that us women can’t be pushed around any longer. I sent them an email and was surprised that they both had the guts to reply. It shows that they both truly care!! Stephen has a foul mouth and…
- Ask The Spamriderby SpamriderIn retaliation for my little funny Bob has been hounding me to do a question-and-answer edition of my column in order to recognize and show appreciation for some of the so-called “fan mail” he claims to have been receiving in my stead. And so, without further ado I present… Ask The Spamrider Dear Spamrider, What is it like to be a Time Lord? -Darryl from Poughkeepsie Dear Darryl from Poughkeepsie, I have no idea since…
- The Journey To HR, Part 14!by Stephen Johnson“YOU IDIOT!” She jumped up from the floor and shoved me back against one of those three walls. “Do you seriously believe that I would even think that Bob was the type of person to have a PERIOD? He’s a man!” “Well, a man-child…..” She ran backwards around the room as I tried to pry myself from the sticky wall. Next thing I knew she was right in my face. Less than an inch away.…
- Nice Dreams: Part VIby Bob SenitramDisclaimer (sort of…) Seems like this last week, it’s been…Bob loves me this, and I had Bob’s baby that! All the writers of TheWeirdcrap.com seem to be obsessed with me. Well, I’m just glad Stephen continues to hate my guts as he always has.Oh, and for the record…I AM NOT A TIME TRAVELER! Well, actually I am. But I can only travel forward in time, just like everybody else. So I guess, if you think…
- Bob Refuses to Fess Up!!!by Melissa PaternikI just can’t believe Bob refuses to fess up to our love. After all the years of support for his numerous bad habits, after all the financial difficulties he put us through by me having to bail him out of jail every other weekend and after all the time I spent in the hospital holding his hand while he went through dt’s due to his rampant drug and alcohol abuse, Bob will not fess up…
- Me Too!!!by SpamriderAfter reading Melissa Paternik’s latest “Chick Shit” column I feel like I need to come clean about something. Bob Semitram and I have also been lovers for decades and I have personally borne seventeen of his time babies. Shocking, I know. What you probably don’t know is that Bob wasn’t just making shit up that time when he said he is a time traveler. Bob and I have literally been lovers throughout millennia. Our affair…
- Reality or Delusion?by SpamriderI was drinking rum and Djarjar juice with Schmelnoz in the 17th dimension the other night—actually it was technically the 175/8ths dimension, but let’s not split hairs—and he said something that I’ve been thinking about ever since. He said it is well known among most interplanetary species that Earthlings (we may not capitalize it here but for some reason everybody else does) possess a unique ability to believe that which is contrary to the truth whenever the…
- The Journey To HR, Part 13-A!by Stephen JohnsonAs soon as I exited the small room the lady grabbed me by the throat and threw me against one of the four walls. “Well?” she asked as she held me against one of those walls with one of her two elbows sunk deeply into my one throat. “What did Bob do?” I looked around to see of there was something that would remind me of that thing that Bob did. Seeing the axed head…
- Nice Dreams: Part V!by Bob SenitramNow before I continue, I must address Melissa’s last column. Melissa and I are definitely NOT in love and she did not give birth to my baby! And second, I never liked that crabby red head in the first place. We just hired her to answer the phones because Stephen insisted. He felt a special bond when he found out that she also dropped out of school in the 6th grade. After months of non-stop…
- Diary of an Assholeby Spamrider5/23/24 Dear Diary, I don’t know what that life-support system of mine has been putting into itself lately, but judging by my breath the past two days I can only assume the worst. At this rate the damn thing’s going to get colon cancer by the time we’re 40, and then we’ll both be in trouble. But today I enacted a little revenge. I waited until it was on a big date with a female…
- I Come Clean About Bob Senitram!by Melissa PaternikIt’s time to break the silence and I have to come clean! Bob Senitram and I have been in love for a very long time and have had sex even longer!! But, what about my “alien baby”, “Ralph”, “jail’, “topless dancing” and “douching”? Well, all of those (except for the douching and dancing) are fiction!! I am a very normal and well adjusted person. Sure, I’m an exotic dancer but since Bob doesn’t work, I…
- Afterburnerby SpamriderThose ribs I ate last night were great but man do I have the rotten ass today! I can’t hardly stand to be around myself. My farts didn’t even smell this bad after the last Cosmic Chili, Beer and Weed Fest. Somebody should make a blog dedicated entirely to their ass. The whole thing could be written from the perspective of an anus. They could call it “Diary of an Asshole”. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
- Nice Dreams: Part IVby Bob SenitramIf you missed parts 1-3 of “Nice Dreams” here’s the thing. I woke up with messy hair, explored an unknown hallway in my new apartment building in my pj’s. In that hallway, I was invited into a business office (the first floor of the apartment has businesses). I Fell asleep and woke up to a rocking room. Not a rock-around-the-clock rocking, but the room was swaying back and forth rocking. I check outside and all…
- On Knowing Shit 2: Electric Booglooby SpamriderAlthough most people don’t like to admit it, the truth is there are some things out there we can just never know. And I guess that’s where faith comes in. Because it is when you genuinely do not know and cannot know something that you get to choose what you are going to believe. (I say “genuinely” because a lot of times when people claim to not know something it is only because they have…
- The Warden is…Jerome!by Melissa PaternikYou’re probably wondering (like me) how Jerome could be the warden of the prison where I am currently incarcerated. After the initial shock wore off, I did some serious thinking while I douched since that has become my hobby and I do my best thinking while I have something stuck in me. Pretty weird, wouldn’t you say? Anyway, the only time Jerome pops up is when Stephen or Bob have a new “job” or experiment…
- On Knowing Shitby SpamriderAs near as I can tell the world is just a big mystery that mankind will forever be trying to solve. Or more likely, will kill ourselves trying to solve. We unearth the relics of ancient civilizations because we want to understand our past. To the stars we look for our future. And meanwhile we meddle with everything in-between because we want to understand everything there is to know, thereby hoping to ultimately rule our…
- The Journey To HR, Part 13!by Stephen JohnsonSo I knocked and knocked on that little door, but no answer on the other side. With nothing better to do I decided to do some more business. Picked up the litter box, shook it around a bit so my previous leavings were safely positioned in one of the corners, squatted down and did some more leavings. Forgot I was still holding the litter box so now there was a pile of leavings on the…
- Nice Dreams Part III!by Bob SenitramPrologue to the Prologue: I can’t help it…I’m on about the Trump trial! Innocent, guilty…I don’t really care. But what I really get a kick out of, is his lack of self-control regarding his gag order. He has no self-control and he really isn’t capable of distinguishing the nuances of what is or isn’t allowed. Combine that with Trumps childlike urge to do whatever you tell him not to do. Hilariously, priceless. I shouldn’t take…
- Everything Mattersby SpamriderIt just doesn’t matter today. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
- Chicks in Prison!by Melissa PaternikBack in the old days I loved Chicks in Prison movies. When I was happily married and without the burden of an “alien baby”, Ralph and I would go the local grocery store and rent out a few .99 movies every Tuesday. A majority of the movies were those “chicks in prison flicks”, and while Ralph found them highly erotic, I found them stupid and very fake, but the nudity was nice. Now, I have…
- John the Revelatorby SpamriderMy friend John the Revelator has this saying: The reward of patience is patience. Quite profound, no? As far as I know he probably got it from a fortune cookie. He doesn’t know that I’m The Spamrider of the Apocalypse. But I think he suspects. I had a fortune one time that said, “About time I got out of that cookie!” I immediately burned it because I figured a cognizant cookie fortune might just be…
- The Journey To HR, Part 12!by Stephen JohnsonShe ran past me with the axe and buried it in the head of a security guard who was guarding a tiny doggy door in the corner of the office. Funny that I hadn’t noticed him or that before. The guard fell, blood from his head squirting every which way. “Now, get in there and do your business before I change my mind,” she said as she pointed at the tiny door. I really had…
- Strange Dreams: Part 2by Bob SenitramPrologue: This part 2 of an action-packed story about a strange dream I had after binge watching Fubar. And in this dream, I was the star of a Hollywood movie. This really blew my mind. Me, and overfed long haired leaping gnome, should be the star behind a Hollywood movie… But there I was. In this scene, I had just woken up with long, crazy messy hair only to find my brother-in-law at the door.…
- Speaking of Peeing Your Pants…by SpamriderIn The Future it is illegal to pee your pants. Apparently after they made it illegal to speak out or otherwise demonstrate against The Establishment people started peeing their pants as a form of protest. So they made that illegal too. In The Future the prisons are full of babies and incontinent old farts. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
- The Problem with Girl Problems!by Melissa PaternikI don’t know what it is, but my girl problems always seem worse during my jail stays!! The last time I was kidnapped and forced to escape and rob banks with my cellmate and her good for nothing friends, and this time I found myself with a nasty, itchy, burning sensation i my groin area which sent me directly to the infirmary. But, thanks to you all, I’ve pulled through!! I swear I have more…
- I’m Going To Be Honest with Youby SpamriderThe Future is one scary fucking place. You shouldn’t even need me to tell you that. Just take a good look around at everything that is going on here and now right there in front of you in The Present and then carry it all out to its logical conclusion. Pretty frightening, huh? In fact, it’s enough to make most people piss their pants.* *Enough to make 99 & 44/100 % of people piss their pant…
- The Journey To HR, Part 11!by Stephen JohnsonShe shot the little person. Who exploded in a festive festival of glitter. “Why you do that?” I asked as my bowels decided to release some more gooey fury. She put away the gun, shut the drawer and stared at me. “Do you now remember what Bob did?” she finally asked. “NO!” She sighed and started to clean out one of her ears with a stapler. Feeling another wave of poo gumbo getting ready for…
- Action Packed Dreams!!! Part Iby Bob SenitramBefore I begin this action-packed saga, here’s this: Prologe Part I:About Donald J Trump’s trials and tribulations:To quote the late great “Barretta”, “Don’t do the crime, if you can’t do the time.” And dats the name of dat tune. Although, I truly appreciate all the antics that come with Donald. It’s just fun to see him slithering in the spotlight again. I truly missed that big ‘ol baby. He’s like watching a old black and…
- Still More Shit Schmelnoz Saysby SpamriderSchmelnoz said something to me once that I didn’t really understand but I nonetheless found very intriguing. He said that humans are the only known species in the universe who relentlessly pursue amnesia. He also said some other things too but I’ve mostly managed to forget them all. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
Visit the archives to discover columns by other writers such as P.S. Gifford, Bel Garion, Melissa Paternick, and Brian Petre. This content has absolutely nothing to do with reality, so it doesn’t really matter when they were published.
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