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  • How I found the Jesus! (Viewer Email Part 2)
    by admin
    Last week, In the “Viewer Mail” column, Stephen and I decided on a contest to see who would get the sacred Saturday slot for our columns. I came up with this idea. We would a cable religion channel and wait for a faith healer to come on. Then drink a beer each time a faith healer, healed someone. Last man standing wins! We got started, but then the faith guy told how he found the…
  • Our First Column of Chick Shit without Melissa!
    by Submitted by Guest
    Well, here we go. A new era has begun. With the death of Melissa, we asked for you, our wonderful, loyal reader, to go ahead and send us a commentary. And, boy, did we ever receive a few. It took us minutes to read them all and pick the best. So, read on. Hi. My name is Charles and I’m still in school, so don’t have alot to write about. Here goes. I am going…
  • Ask The Spamrider, Vol. 2
    by Spamrider
    So Bob has been wanting me to do another edition of Ask The Spamrider, the column where I answered letters from my so-called “fans”.  And God knows what Bob wants Bob gets.  Bob has this annoying way of relentlessly needling you, like a ravenous and bloodthirsty little mosquito you never can quite seem to swat.  At least he promised there would be no Doctor Who questions this time, so I guess at least that’s something.…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 27!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “I shall be known as Star Child Two,” said the orb. “Should it be ‘the orb’ or ‘The Orb’?” I asked, really wanting to know. It thought for a moment and then starting waving around its tiny T-Rex arms. “Did you not hear what I said?” “Well, I did but……” “CALL ME STAR CHILD TWO!” it yelled in its tiny, squeaky voice. “How about SCT? I like shortening things.” A bolt of lightning shot from…
  • Viewer Mail!!!
    by Bob Senitram
    It’s a lot of work to find actual viewer mail, because I get 100 emails a week by folks offering to increase our SEO rankings on google. I don’t even know what SEO is? Anyway, go here to Ask Bob a question! I’ll find your question hidden in my ever-growing inbox. Are you “viewers” or visitors? I mean, you have to view the screen to read our stuff…right? Stan writes: “Hey Bob, a couple of…
  • On Continuity
    by Spamrider
    From the fiction writer’s perspective continuity is merely an irksome expectation based upon an unfortunate misunderstanding of unreality. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • THIS IS THE END!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Melissa is dead. She is no longer among the living due to choking on her own vomit or accidentally drinking a glass of Drano. Well, that’s our guess. But a conflicting rumor says, she was at her regular 9-5 job when she just plopped over from her desk and hit the floor. Employees figured this was just another one of her stunts to get attention. So they went about their business, ignoring her like they…
  • Yet Still More Shit Schmelnoz Says
    by Spamrider
    Schmelnoz once told me that the Zippo lighter is the pinnacle of man’s creation. “Think about it,” he said. Actually he probably said something more like, “Surmise Spamrider upon the following megrim…” But as usual I’m transliterating here. So he said, “Think about it.  Instant fire in a little pocket-sized indestructible metal box.  If you humans had just quit while you were ahead the entire universe would be better off right now.” And at the…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 26!
    by Stephen Johnson
    After the door closed, I sat in the same position for over an hour, still slightly drooling. Finally, I came to my sense. “Did that really happen?” I asked the HR lady. “It did. It really, really did!” “I no longer have to poop!” I said while squeezing to see if something DID come out. “You’re going to be a millionaire! I’m going to treat you with respect!” “And…..I REMEMBERED WHAT BOB DID!” I yelled…
  • Nice Dreams – RESCUE!: Part – oh, forget it!
    by Bob Senitram
    Well, last week, in an attempt to rescue Bob, Jerome went and got on the boat that was havin’ a gun fight with police, and now he’s a hostage. Things are lookin’ pretty grim for ol’ Bob and Jerome right about now… But don’t worry, he’s got an “angle”. Ezra is holding onto Bob by the arm and then he grabs a hold of Jerome. Jerome dares not to try to escape, ’cause one of…
  • Time in a Beer in a Bottle
    by Spamrider
    I tried Time in a Beer in a Bottle for the first time today. As an experienced Time Traveller not to mention drunkard it didn’t really do all that much for me to be honest. I can’t really say about the guy I shared it with though. I’m still combing through the history books trying to figure that part out. The Song In Bob’s Head Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • Melissa has her second show!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    You would think that a couple of pieces of duct tape would solve the problem I had with my first show, but it’s me were talking about duct tape is not good enough to solve my problems!! Sure, the customers weren’t squirted in the face with my breast milk at the second show. This was a very good thing since I doubt I can afford to lose this job because, if I do, it’s back…
  • Quote of the Day + Shit Schmelnoz Says
    by Spamrider
    “Bene vixit, bene qui latuit.” -René Descartes (quoting Ovid) Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible says that when nobody knows who the hell you are then you can be anybody you want. Which I suppose is especially beneficial when even you don’t know who the hell you are. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • Nice Dreams…HOSTAGE!: Part XVIII
    by Bob Senitram
    Ezra got Bob as a hostage and now and now they’re marching onto the deck where all the action is… Ezra leads Bob to the deck where gunfire ensues between the cohorts of Ma Baker and the police. “I don’t know if this is a good idea.” Bob says to Ezra. “This is just what we need to bring an end to this…” Ezra replies. Meanwhile, back on the shore…. Jerome is enjoying his prime…
  • I finally had my first show!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Of course, the first show didn’t go off without a hitch, but I performed to the best of my ability, and I think the people in the audience were very appreciative. I was scared that the crowd wold be like the crowds in the go go bar. Sure, they loved me while I was on stage, but when I was done dancing, I was just another piece of meat with a few extra pennies that…
  • The Turd Burglar
    by Spamrider
    So I just recently got back from my extended vacation visiting my Giant friends who dwell deep beneath the earth in the south of France. I visited them in the 27th century this time because their caverns are a lot easier to access then.  Giants basically live like forever so they’re essentially the same bunch of Giants whenever I visit them.  The only time it gets confusing is when they will refer to something which…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 24!
    by Stephen Johnson
    The faint knocking grew louder. “Are you going to answer the door?” asked the HR lady. “Me?” “No, the pink rabbit you stupid, stupid fool,” she answered. I couldn’t tell if she was kidding. It was really hard trying to pry my hands away from DOWN THERE. Don’t know why. Not like I was har… The pink rabbit answered the door. Didn’t realize there was a large pink rabbit in the room that whole time.…
  • Nice Dreams that are not so nice: Part XVII
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week, in a low blood sugar craze, Bob walks to the boat with Ma Baker and her cohorts, while they engage in a fierce gun battle with police. Crazy for food, he finds the kitchen and makes himself a nice sandwich, with ham, turkey, and bacon. The battle rages on while he picks up a bottle of wine, but the bottle get shattered by gunfire while still in his hand. Meanwhile, Jerome and Melissa…
  • The Surgery!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Hi!!! You’ll be happy to know that my latest surgery was a success!!! I had the first ever neck elongation surgery in the world, and soon I’ll be able to take my show on the road!! I wanted to give you a step by step detail of the surgery, but the doctor had to put me under since I was screaming so much from the pain. The last thing I can remember from the operating…
  • Himalayan Adventures
    by Spamrider
    I am returned. And just so everybody knows, I accidentally hit “send” too early whenever I sent that note back to Bob’s pickles.  Eggs.  Whatever. And I only had one shot. What the note should have said is, “No column this week, it is time-bound imperative that you do not publish any portion of this communication whatsoever, not even a single word or letter.  If you do, you risk causing a Time Rupture on Uranus. …
  • The Journey To HR, Part 23!
    by Stephen Johnson
    ….I passed out. As I lay there (I think), breathing in that sweet, tangy Lysol scent, I was reminded of that time that…. No. I won’t go there. I removed my hands from DOWN THERE. Now was not the time. I thought about doing that HR lady trick and tried to rip myself from my current body. Tried as I might, I couldn’t get that to work. It just made me want to poop again,…
  • Dreams: Part XVI or Meanwhile back at the Ranch…
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week Jerome found out he was duped, and Bob ain’t an alien at all. He’s just a very, very, very-stupid man, who’s doing the best that he can. Meanwhile, back at the lake… Jerome and Melissa return to the scene of the crime. The hole in the ground where they left Bob. Jerome is looking down the empty hole in disbelief, “Oh jeez, oh jeez, oh jeez…he ain’t here!” He says while pacing around…
  • That Darn Bust!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Well, my first show was a complete bust (no pun intended?)!!! I was allowed to perform in front of my fellow prisoners and the warden also bussed in some hardened male criminals from the nearby state penitentiary. I was very excited about this because I couldn’t think of anyone else better to perform to. Imagine having your first show in front of hundreds of sex-starved criminal minded men!!! I can tell you that I was…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 22!
    by Stephen Johnson
    There was a horrible, slurpy tearing sound. I looked at the prone body of the HR lady and that’s where the sound was coming from. The body moved. I thought she was coming out of her silly faint. Instead, her body tore apart and the HR lady climbed out of herself. She was a bit shorter. Obviously. “Hurry,” she said. “We’ve have to clean up this office pronto!” She picked up her gooey mess and…
  • Action Dreams – Melissa and Jerome: Part XV!
    by Bob Senitram
    Bob and the cops just arrive at the dock where we can see the boat approaching. The area is lined with police cars all facing sideways so when the boat arrives, they can use the cars as a shield. “I don’t know, this looks like it’s gonna get ugly.” Bob says from the back of the police car. “How about we make another detour and get a little somethin’ for breakfast, I’m starving.” “Don’t weasel…
  • Something Is Not Quite Right!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Oh well, I’ve had another minor setback!!! For the last week, I felt something wasn’t quite right with me. I thought that I had a tumor or maybe even syphillis, but my eagle-eyed cellmate informed me that my huge boob was getting smaller!! Thank goodness it wasn’t a tumor!! I went to the prison doctor and he told me that I had probably developed an immunity to the side effects caused by the boob growing…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 21!
    by Stephen Johnson
    I answered the phone, as you sometimes should do. “Yes?” I asked in as timid a voice as possible, just in case this was a scammer. “Is this Stephen Johnson?” “Yes?” in that still timid voice. “Hey there! This is Cornelius Sproot with [redacted]! Got your email about that thing you designed and we’re very intrigued!” “Oh?” “YES! This will be the biggest thing since……well…..that really last big thing!” “Crayons?” “Bigger than crayons! BIGGER!” “Wow.”…
  • Nice Dreams: Part XIV
    by Bob Senitram
    Bob just witnessed the horrific scene at the Kellog’s plan, which fits in real nice with the story… After that little scene from last week, Bob stands up and brushes the dirt off his clothes. “Dude, it’s just a manufacturing plant. You should take a chill pill.” Jim points out. “Yeah, you need to relax. Try a little tenderness, now and then.” “Sorry guys, I know I over-reacted at the end of the last column.…
  • My Time in Prison!
    by Melissa Paternik
    The time is almost here!!! In a couple of days I will officially become a freak!!! In the meantime, it’s training time for me. Thank goodness I took that drug that caused my wonderful deformity because prison is pretty boring. Before my boob grew, I would wake up at 6 am every day, pee and go get some breakfast. I am on a cellblock that consists of 20 cells that can hold two people and…
  • It is Time…
    by Bob Senitram
    This morning, I found a note by The Spamrider, behind the eggs in my fridge that just said, “No column this week, it is time.” I have no idea what that means. Perhaps he’s been recruited for some time traveling episode on another planet or perhaps he let his hair grow too long and it’s time for him to get a haircut… Who knows? -Bob S. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • The Journey To HR, Part 20!
    by Stephen Johnson
    When I woke up, there was no millipede. I also wasn’t hanging upside down. But it felt like something was being jabbed into each armpit. I looked down and saw the HR lady. She had me suspended in the air with two broomstick handles jabbed into those armpits. She walked around the office holding onto the bottom of the broomsticks, making care not to drop me. “Say,” I said. “Say what?” “Oh me, oh my!…
  • Dream #9 or Car 54 Where are You?: Part XIII
    by Bob Senitram
    Prologue: Bob is rescued from that hole by the side of the road by the police. When they heard Bob was mixed up with Ma Baker, they convince him to help bring that criminal to justice! “Well, If you think I can be helpful…I’m in!” I reply. “Great! But first, we gotta show you just what Ma Baker did.” Jim adds. “You mean the Kellog’s plant?” “Of course, you gotta see this for yourself.” Barry…
  • Terminated!
    by Spamrider
    In the words of another fictitional Time Traveller, “Fuck you, asshole!” No, no, no, that’s not it. It’s, “I’ll be back…” Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • I Have an Agent!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Even though I begged and begged, my agent advised me that I should not tell you about any tricks that I can do with my enormous breast since that would stop people from coming to the show and experiencing my boob live. Kind of depressing, but my agent knows best!! I bet you’re asking how and why I now have an agent!! Well, a single (almost!) gal like me needs someone to guide my career…
  • Visits From Schmelnoz
    by Spamrider
    I’ve been getting fairly regular visits from Schmelnoz over the past several weeks, but it gets confusing as hell because I never know if he’s coming from the Past or from the Future. Very often neither one of us will have any idea what the other is talking about. So mostly we just drink. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • The Journey To HR, Part 19!
    by Stephen Johnson
    It felt like it had legs. I could feel those legs tickling my throat so I took a deep breath, and hocked myself a loogie. Most of the phlegm just dripped into my eyes, but I did see something else fly out of my mouth before I was blinded. “Lordy, lord! I am now blind!” I yelled for no particular reason. The door opened and the HR lady peered in. “Trouble?” she asked. “Yes! I’ve…
  • Nice Dreams of Action: Part XII
    by Bob Senitram
    Prologue: After being saved from that ship, Bob gets dumped in a hole by Jerome and Melissa who are convinced that Bob is an evil, alien, AI biological robot. And Bob ain’t happy about it! After Jerome and Melissa left, I just sat down for minute nice and quiet. After that temper tantrum I needed a little rest. I noticed the blanket that covered the hole had fell down with me. I fold it nice…
  • Quote of the Day #3
    by Spamrider
    “I found myself involved in so many doubts and errors, that I was convinced I had advanced no farther in all my attempts at learning, than the discovery at every turn of my own ignorance.” -René Descartes, Discourse on the Method That right there is more than most people ever learn. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • A Slight Setback…
    by Melissa Paternik
    I had a minor setback in my new career!!! All my paperwork was in order for the work release program, when I received word that the travelling freakshow was going to be put on hold for a while because there was a problem with two of the performers. Since this is a high tech travelling freakshow, they had TWO dog people!! What’s even more amazing is that one was male and the other was female!!…
  • Aliens
    by Spamrider
    Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible at first could be described as bemused whenever he found out that us earthlings still refer to beings from other planets and star-systems as “aliens”. But when I told him that we also refer to our own kind from other countries as “aliens” his bemusement turned into shock and disgust. It isn’t often I’ve seen Schmelnoz actually get disgusted at anything.  The guy has pretty much seen it all. Or as he…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 18!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Yep. I died. On the inside. Not enough, though. I felt more poo wanting to come out, but since I was upside down, it was working it’s way towards my mouth. I screamed. Then I screamed again. I didn’t want my poo in my mouth! “Hey! Anybody there? I need some help! I don’t want poo in my mouth!” The HR lady opened the door and looked in. “What’s that you say?” “I got more…
  • Action Packed Nice Dreams: Info Battles: Part XI
    by Bob Senitram
    When we left off, Bob got dumped in a hole by Jerome and Melissa after being rescued from that boat…If you just joined us, start from the beginning with “Action Packed Dreams: Part I”. “Really, I have no idea what you guys are talking about.” I say from the bottom of the big hole by the lake. “Don’t play stupid with me Bob, we know who you really are! I learned it all from the…
  • I AM A FREAK!!!
    by admin
    I am almost officially a freak!!!! I have been granted a work permit that allows me to leave prison in order to travel to nearby towns as part of a freak show. This is something all women dream of, and now it’s my reality!!! My breast has now grown to an astronomical size and I can barely walk, much less stand upright. This is great!! I only wish I still was a dancer because the…
  • The Icing On The Cake
    by Spamrider
    I was just reading a news article where they used the expression “it’s like the icing on the cake”. Which got me to thinking. Who the hell eats cake with no icing??? The expression “the icing on the cake” as far as I know means something extra and unexpected in addition to something else which you already knew you were going to get anyway. It’s like the icing on the cake. Except it isn’t. Because…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 17!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Why do my feet hurt?” I asked. “Because I nailed them to the ceiling!” she replied. “Now maybe your rooty-tooty butt can remember why you’re here!” I tried striking my best JC pose but keeping my arms up like him was a bit tiring, so I let them dangle and experienced the glorious rush of the blood pooling into my brain. Soon my brain and head started to hurt. “Say, have you got a round…
  • Nice Action-Packed Dreams: Part X – BETRAYED!!!
    by Bob Senitram
    This action-packed dream is a dream I had while in a coma a few years back.Ok, it wasn’t quite a coma, but I was in a deep sleep. And it really wasn’t a few years ago, more like a few months ago. Well, a few weeks anyway. So, we walk until we see a guy leaning against a car smoking a cigarette. As we approach, I recognize him. IT’S JEROME! One of my oldest friends!…
  • I Probably Shouldn’t Even Be Telling You This
    by Spamrider
    But since it’s a scientifically proven fact that 99.44% of the time no matter what you say or do you cannot create a time paradox situation whereby you change the Past or the Future which you may or may not have previously inhabited*, here goes… THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS GOING TO BE YOU KNOW WHO! Yeah, that’s right, I said it. And now you can all quit bugging me about it. *This is to…
  • I’m Feeling Much Better!
    by Melissa Paternik
    My name is Melissa and I’m back!!! I was speaking to the doctor at the prison, and he told me that I had been in a coma for almost 2 weeks!! He also mentioned something about me turning stupid(er) due to the coma, but that’s doctor talk which is something I don’t understand!! I read the last couple of my columns and saw that I was a complete loon a couple of weeks ago!!! I…
  • A Little Future History
    by Spamrider
    That was the year the fascists suddenly won elections all over the earth.  When the liberals and moderates complained that the whole thing looked pretty fishy and needed to be investigated the fascists simply brushed them aside, reminding them about how they themselves had reacted with scorn and derision to the fascists’ own prior claims of election rigging.  When the liberals and moderates and everybody else tried to point out that the fascists’ claims had…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 16!
    by Stephen Johnson
    It was a small fart. But it was quite stinky. She opened windows I didn’t even know were there, turned on fans I didn’t even know were there and opened a bunch of those Renuzit air fresheners I didn’t even know were….there. “Did you ever see the movie ‘Strange Days’?” she asked as she waved her hands in front of her nose. “Why, yes. Yes I have. Actually went to a matinee with Bob. Cost…
  • Nice Dreams: Part IX – The Rescue!
    by Bob Senitram
    Before we get to the action-packed rescue, here’s the intro to this tale for those who just joined us. Prologue: Oh, read the other columns that leads up to this already. Starting with Action Packed Dreams Part I (Yeah, I changed the name a few times.) The story so far. I escaped in a life raft with Melissa, and we rowed and rowed until the yacht was just a wee blur in the distance. Now…
  • Melissa’s Health…
    by Melissa Paternik
    Hi. My name is Sid Althamar and I am a doctor at the prison where Melissa is currently incarcerated. I did not want to write this, but I felt obliged to since the test drug I gave Melissa had severe side effects and she is close to death. Because of this, I wanted to keep her millions of fans updated. Melissa is a very interesting person and I can understand why she has a following.…
  • The Cosmic Chili, Beer & Weed Fest
    by Spamrider
    The Cosmic Chili, Beer & Weed Fest is a celebration that is/was/will be held upon several select and unforgettable occasions and occurs/occurred/will occur at various locations throughout the entirety of traversable time and space.  It’s essentially a reoccurring and never-ending party, but a reoccurring and never-ending party that is organized and thrown by Time Travellers, so that you not only never know where the next one’s going to be held, you also never know when…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 15!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “And you want to file a complaint because of THAT?” she asked as she continued kicking the guard in and around his groin. “Well……yes?” I answered as I tried to get some distance between us. Not quick enough because soon enough she was repeatedly kicking me in and around my groin area. This caused another long line of poo to drop down, ready to be expelled. “ALL THIS WASTE OF TIME BECAUSE OF THAT??!!” “I…
  • Nice Dreams: Part VIII – An Unexpected Visit!
    by Bob Senitram
    Prologue: I’m sort of a hostage on a yacht, where my days are numbered. So, I figured, I’d make the best of it…–Start from the beginning– I spent the rest of that day drinking shots of Tequila with the big wigs and snacking on hors-d’euvres (or oh-d’fancies). Then we were treated like kings when the kitchen staff brought out dinner for us to dine in long tables set up outside. This was the life of…
  • What a Difference a Week Makes!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Wow! What a difference a week can make in your life. I thought I was going to have a special guest write this column, but that’s not going to happen since my good friend Jerome is currently acting out some sort of Messiah complex for Stephen’s new religion. This caused me to go into a deep depression and the prison doctor had no choice but to change my medication to something new. After taking this…
  • How Can You Be in Two Places at Once When You’re Not Anywhere at All?
    by Spamrider
    “Time is what you read off a clock.” -Albert Einstein The thing most people don’t understand about Time Travel is that you’re also travelling through space.  They picture you jumping—let’s say 20 years into The Future—and somehow just appearing in the same spot where you were originally standing. Except it’s not the same spot.  Because what most people are not realizing is that everything in our universe is constantly moving around, every thing relative to…
  • Nice Dreams: Part VII – A Twist of Fate!
    by Bob Senitram
    Prologue: In the proceeding columns, I found myself on a luxurious private ocean liner, mistaken for some kind of scientist. Currently, they all think I’m the guy, except Ezra the man who greeted me when I came out of my drug induced coma. He says, they’ll definitely have my head when the Boss finds out I’m not who they think I am. Then, I find that Melissa Paternick on the boat and she tells me…
  • Melissa Shares Her Confidential Email!
    by Melissa Paternik
    After thinking long and hard about it, I decided to email Bob and Stephen and give them one more chance to correct their evil ways. I felt this would be a show of girl power and prove that us women can’t be pushed around any longer. I sent them an email and was surprised that they both had the guts to reply. It shows that they both truly care!! Stephen has a foul mouth and…
  • Ask The Spamrider
    by Spamrider
    In retaliation for my little funny Bob has been hounding me to do a question-and-answer edition of my column in order to recognize and show appreciation for some of the so-called “fan mail” he claims to have been receiving in my stead. And so, without further ado I present… Ask The Spamrider Dear Spamrider, What is it like to be a Time Lord? -Darryl from Poughkeepsie Dear Darryl from Poughkeepsie, I have no idea since…

Lunatic Column Archives

Visit the archives to discover columns by other writers such as P.S. Gifford, Bel Garion, Melissa Paternick, and Brian Petre. This content has absolutely nothing to do with reality, so it doesn’t really matter when they were published.

You like to jot down stuff just for the fun of it? Feel free to submit a column!

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