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  • Angels and Demons
    While I certainly have no intentions of letting this thus far squeaky-clean and entirely uncontroversial column of mine ever devolve into something so lowly and debased as religious mumbo-jumbo, I would nontheless like to take the opportunity this week to discuss something that Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible and I spoke about quite at length one long and intoxicating and intoxicated evening during his previous visit. It all started whenever Schmelnoz for some reason out of the…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 6!
    Quite the large bear, it was. If it was on all fours, maybe it wouldn’t have seemed so big. But it wasn’t. Nope, that sucker was on its hind legs. See? HUGE!!!! It was also twirling a sign. “CHECK OUT THE NEW CAFETERIA!” the sign read. Well, I think it did. The bear was twirling that sign too fast. I tried going around the bear, but it was blocking the way to HR. So, I…
  • Finally, The Grand Finale…Part IV!!!
    Well, when we left off last week, those Duke boys really got themselves in quite a pickle. Seems like that hunting trip at the park left our two friends wounded and heading toward the hospital. Stephen got shot in the arm by Bob, and Bob got shot in the head by Stephen. Bel thought Stephen was dead, But Bob, being the good friend that he is, convinced Bel to let Stephen go along to the…
  • Almost Busted!!!
    I was almost busted!! I was tending to Ralph in the bedroom, like any good wife would do to THEIR husband, when there came a large crash from right outside our trailer. Ralph yanked my head up from where it was positioned and told me to go outside to see what was going on. I tried to throw on my bathrobe, but Ralph told me it sounded like an important sound and that I didn’t…
  • Daylight Saving Blues
    Well, it’s that time of year again when most people set their clocks ahead an hour and, as my friend Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible once put it, start pretending that it’s really one hour later than it actually is. Personally I agree with Schmelnoz and think this Daylight Saving stuff is all pretty asinine. But, living among crazies like you all it’s just one more stupid thing I have to deal with I guess. I also…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 5!
    “Brap zippy-zip-zip flong ZAP!” screamed the little person as he pulled the trigger. “Now you’re DEAD!” I felt nothing. Of course not. It was a toy gun. “Lay down! Act like you’re DEAD!” I did not. “Act like you’re dead or I’m going to tell my mommy!” I walked a little bit closer. “Bob? Bob Senitram is that you?” “I’m just playing a game. Uh, I gottta GO!” With that, he tried to get out…
  • Good Will Hunting: Part III
    In last week’s column I was reminiscing about the time that me Stephen had big plan to go hunting and shoot them lovely springtime birds and shove them in the freezer for free food. We was up in two trees ready to shoot them birds. As it turned out, me and Stephen decided to shoot the same bird at the same time, and it was right in-between us. As the bullet was heading toward my…
  • Old Farts Never Die…
    They just wisp away. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • A Surprise in a Crate!
    When I got home yesterday from job hunting, found a large crate on our front porch. I was very happy because I thought it might be the donkey that Ralph has been promising to get so that I can perform shows for his friends. I told him that I wasn’t very good at magic tricks but he told me that there was no magic involved and that with my past history there would be no…
  • Misfortune Cookie
    My fortune cookie tonight said, “Someone from your past has returned to steal your heart.” I’ll bet anything it’s that damn Haitian witchdoctor again. He’s been after my heart for decades now. He needs it for some sort of crazy Voodoo ritual. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • The Journey To HR, Part 4!
    “Eric Stratton, rush chairman. Damn glad to meet you!” I replied to that disembodied voice. “Eric! Can you spare a buck or two?” This came from behind a pile of boxes. The boxes moved around a bit and a large man rose up. He was wearing a security uniform. “What do you need a couple bucks for?” “To feed the meter. Those guys don’t pay for our parking!” That made sense. I threw some change…
  • A Hunting we will go Part II!
    Last week, I was explaining my plan to go hunting for springtime birds at our local park. Anyways, we got our guns and was a-heading toward the park. We get to the perfect hunting ground, and I start to get ready. Soon, I had a nice big pile of leaves and branches that I dropped in front of Stephen. “Now we prepare!” “What am I supposed to do with all this…” Stephen asked me. “Camouflage,…
  • More Shit Schmelnoz Says
    Schmelnoz says the cost of free will is bearing the weight of the world upon your shoulders. I asked him if he believes in free will. He said that only those who does not already know The Future believe in free will. Then he farted and we drank together in wry merriment. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • I Get My Life in Order!
    It seems that every time I get my life in order, someone goes out of their way to upset me. I don’t know why, but I guess a lot of people are happier when I’m depressed. Here’s an email I received recently and you’ll see what I mean: “Hi Melissa, I’ve been a big fan of yours for a long time. I’ve been rooting for you to get your life in order. I’ve laughed with…
  • Quote of the Day #2
    “It is a mathematical fact that the casting of this pebble from my hand alters the centre of gravity of the universe.” -Thomas Carlyle While technically true, what old Tomboy fails to mention is that at the same time he’s tossing off his little pebbles, there are untold and mindboggling numbers of other events taking place in the universe over which he has absolutely no control, any of which could counteract any effect his piddly…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 3!
    And there it was! Headquarters! No shiny high-rise here though. Just a one-story building that used to be home to a Build A Mole store. For some reason, the previous tenants thought that since kids liked building bears, they sure as heck would just love building moles. They were quite wrong and our overlords were able to get the building for cheap. They just had to clear out all the mole parts and the previous…
  • A Hunting We Will Go…
    Here in the Midwest, it was a balmy 60 degrees in my neck of the woods. I sat on the porch, drinkin’ a cold brew and listened to the morning birds as I recalled the days when I saw birds as a source of food. Back in the day when Stephen, Bel, and I were roommates in the crack infested neighborhood, we called home. One particular day, me and Stephen were trying to cure our…
  • Getting to Know Ralph Again!
    Ralph and I have spent the last week getting to know each other again. It’s been fantastic!!! As soon as we got home, he put me right to work cooking and cleaning. Hey, I’m a woman and that’s what I’m supposed to be doing!! Every so often, he would have me stop working so I could tell him what had happened to me while I was gone, but these moments didn’t last long because he…
  • The Future of Science
    In The Future it will begin to occur to some people that one of the major reasons we have so many problems in the world today is that instead of seeing science as a means of obtaining pure knowledge and enlightenment with which we might better ourselves as a race, we look upon it as something to exploit—as if the sole purpose and benefit of science was to aid us in fulfilling our every desire. That is to say, we…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 2!
    Figured I would hit a nearby store to find something to spray on the back of my pants in case any poop smell was wafting from down there, but discovered some people can be so rude! While walking through the store trying to find some scents, I walked by a little boy shopping with his mom. When I passed he made a wretching sound and screamed, “Mommy. MOMMY! THAT OLD MAN SMELLS LIKE POOP!” She…
  • The Rat Killin…
    Now I told you about the joys of carin’ for chickens. But I never told you about the rat killin’. How we got rid of that old chicken coop and how we got rid of all them rats inside. As I mentioned a few weeks ago, our family came into possession of an old country house and with that house came an old chicken coop with chickens. I don’t know if the prior owner had…
  • The Illiputians
    Speaking of timekeeping, Schmelnoz once told me about this race of giants called the Illiputi who do not keep track of time simply because they do not believe in it. According to the Illiputian way of thinking, every day is actually the same day. The only reason it seems otherwise is that some douchebag keeps going around planting memories in everybody’s heads. Apparently the rest of the Universe pretty much just leaves them alone because…
  • Just In Time for Valentine’s Day…My Love Story!!!
    I have the perfect Valentine’s story for you! And it couldn’t have come at a better time. I was at the lowest point of my life, thinking that things couldn’t get any worse and then I was rescued by my knight in shining armor!!! Last Thursday, I was scrounging in a garbage can looking for some scraps of food to take home when I noticed a man looking through another garbage can further up the…
  • Lunch Time
    According to my alien friend from The Future Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible the only reason that primitive races like humans even believe in and attempt to keep track of something so abstract as Time in the first place is because in our early development conceiving of such a concept became a necessity just so we could all interact together on any sort of predictable basis, thereby forming what has come to be known as “society,” which…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 1!
    When I went to Headquarters so I could speak to our HR Department, is saw a nearby store that sold shelving was hiring so I decided to take the plunge and get a real job for awhile. Plus, I was looking for some shelving for the homestead and figured I could get an employee discount. So I went in, found an employee and told them I was looking for a job. He looked me over,…
  • She’s Having a Baby!!!
    My wife came running out of the bathroom screaming, “We’re having a baby!” “Impossible.” I reply. “What?” She says while wiping the pregnancy stick on her jean leg. “I can’t have babies.” “You mean you’re sterile? That’s impossible, there’s been no one else. There’s never been any reason.” “No, I ain’t sterile. I’m a man! I’m no biologist, but last I heard, a man can’t give birth to no baby. Besides, even if I could,…
  • I am finally rid of Dana!!!
    I was wandering around town trying to find some scraps to eat when I noticed a porn magazine lying in a trash bin. Since I like to read while Dana breast feeds because it takes my mind off the pain of having my body sucked dry, I picked up the magazine thrilled that I would have something to read. As soon as I got home, Dana tackled me and started feeding. I started to read…
  • A Crinkle In Time
    [Note: The following entry was written by Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible, my alien friend from The Future.  -Spamrider] Greetings Earthlings. I am the quasi-sentient life-form known colloquially as “Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible”.  But I conceive that if the Spamrider has properly primed your reality contextual realms the way I have instructed him to then you have ultimately and formerly concocted as much. When I incipiently and initially presented my supposition for this maiden entry into his revelatory…
  • What’s In My Mouth?
    “THEY EAT THEIR OWN POOP WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT! Just like Stephen.” Excuse me? Just discovered a chunk of something in my mouth. Have no idea what it is, went ahead and swallowed it. Haven’t eaten anything yet today, did my weekly brushing of the teeth so it must be remnants of something old. Should still be nutritious. Looking around and trying to figure out what I should watch today. It should be more Tarzan,…
  • Chickens…A Story From My Youth!
    James writes:Hello Bob! I like chickens. What should I do? Dear James:It just so happens, that I know a little bit about chickens. As a teenager my family moved into a one-acre spot of land that had a chicken coop. Funny, but the chickens came with the house. The old coop must have been built in the 40s. It was dark, had rats and fleas and quite frankly I was afraid to go in there.…
  • Sometimes You Have Sell It!!!
    When you have something that is of no use anymore, you sometimes try to sell it in order to make some money. Well, I figured that I had no more use for Dana and since my breasts are becoming very sore from all the feedings, I decided that I could sell my baby, like I did with my seven other children!!! I went down to the bad part of town where you can sell and…
  • The Great Poodle Wars
    So despite all the grisly and gruesome details I have thus far disclosed concerning The Future, it turns out that the most fierce and vicious response I have received thus far has come from a certain dog owner whose name I won’t mention (Larry) who has expressed both shock and dismay at my earlier revelation that in The Future there are in fact no Poodles. It’s really quite simple though. Most of them get killed off…
  • No Robots, But Fubbles!
    Robots? Someone is writing about ROBOTS??!! At least when you come here you know you’ll get full-on reality. Got some Fubbles for the cats, but they really didn’t care much about the bubbles floating in the air. Instead, they waited for them to land on the floor where they burst and then they just sat there wondering where the bubbles went. That’s just weird. I thought I would get hours of fun watching them chase…
  • The Aftermath of Passing Out!
    After passing out for four days courtesy of good ol’ Russian, gasoline moonshine from the 80s, Jerome was kind enough to take me home. We set up my computer back in the basement when I realized we didn’t have a keyboard. So back to Jerome’s we go. Jerome parked and up the stairs to his apartment we go. Who do I see in the hall? None other than Mikey, Bills kid who fixed the website…
  • He Hasn’t Run Away or Died!
    Well, Dana hasn’t run away or died yet, so I am still without a job. I guess it’s okay though since my breasts are seriously deformed from all the breast feeding and, in my line of work, you definitely need breasts in order to make a buck or two. I’ve been spending the days hanging out in the woods trying not to keep an eye on Dana which is very hard to do especially when…
  • Shit Schmelnoz Says
    Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible says the darndest things sometimes. Recently (which remember is now eighteen years ago) we were watching some birds and he said, “When the animals finally go to war against man, the birds will be quite formidable opponents.” Noting my incredulous look he explained, “For one thing, their surveillance powers are beyond question.  And their communications network is obviously second to none.” And as is usually the case I couldn’t really argue with…
  • Elephant Stampede!
    It snowed again this week. I had the woman shovel the driveway since I was busy watching “Tarzan Goes To India”. That is all. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • He’s Back!
    Nice to be back. I woke up after a nasty hangover and I’m in a pile of rags at Jerome’s Place. “You’re telling me, you found me wondering around outside in my pajamas, in a snowstorm and I’ve been sleeping here for four days?” “Yup, that pretty much sums it up.” Jerome replies. “But I don’t want you worrying your pretty little head, I drove to your house, got your computer and brought it here.…
  • It’s Take Your Kid to Work Day!
    Looks like I made a huge mistake bringing my baby to work. I think there also might be something seriously wrong with it since it’s now over 5 feet tall and it’s less than a month old. Instead of calling it “it” all the time, I now call my baby “Dana” since I still don’t know what sex it is and Dana is one of those names that can be used for a girl or…
  • Weekend With Schmelnoz
    So now that it’s all over I can finally tell you now the real reason I was in Texas. My best friend from The Future, Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible, arrived on earth approximately eighteen years ago, which was three weeks ago according to my own personal subjective experience of Time. Actually it feels more like three months. Anyway, we decided rural Texas in The Past would be the perfect place for him to fit in because nothing…
  • He Doesn’t Step In For Me…….
    So, it snowed here. Figured I might as well make myself useful and shovel a path on the driveway and the sidewalk leading to the front door since I’m expecting a package or two from Amazon. But, I couldn’t find my snow shovelin’ gloves! Asked the woman where they were and she asked if she was the keeper of my gloves which is kind of what I expected so have no clue now why I…
  • Jerome Steps In…
    Dear friends TheWeirdcrap.com and the Ask Bob column. This Jerome, Bob’s very bestest friend! Bob ain’t writing this week’s column for two reasons. One, he done crashed the site this last Tuesday night. And then there’s reason number two: on account he had some sort of “episode”. I don’t exactly know what the doctors would call it, but he ain’t right. Wednesday morning, I look out the window in my underwear drinkin’ my coffe and…
  • Quote of the Day
    “The world is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel.” -Horace Walpole  I guess that makes my life a tragic comedy. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • My Big Baby!!!
    Well, my baby has grown to almost 4 feet tall!!! It’s amazing how much it’s grown in only two short weeks!! I don’t know if it’s because of the breast feeding or the fact that we live in the woods, but something strange and marvelous is happening here. The only problem is I still don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl since the sexual organs have still not appeared. I’m debating whether or…
  • Texas Toast
    In Texas every meal you eat comes with Texas Toast. I’m not that big of a fan of Texas Toast actually. No offense to Texas. Actually, I wonder if Texas Toast was even invented in Texas. Some guy in New Jersey probably sliced some bread extra thick one day (this was before they invented sliced bread you see), and his bitchy wife comes along and says, “What the hell do you think you’re doing NOW?” And…
  • Resolutions And Other Stuff
    Well, here I am again. Took a couple weeks off, hung with Bob at Walmart even though the friction between us is at a boiling point. You know, because of that pube movie thing. But he just doesn’t remember it. It’s all because of that stinking Acapulco Gold crap he constantly smokes. He knows there’s friction, just doesn’t know why. So, he goes on with life thinking it will just go away as he smokes…
  • Someone Left The Cake Out In The Rain…
    “I’m tellin’ you, ‘Someone Left the Cake out in the Rain’ is a sick song!” The guy was a freakin’ sick-o! A regular Epstein if you ask me!” What you’re talking about? It’s frackin’ love song for God’s sake.” I reply to Stephen who’s agreed to go with me to the Wallmarket. “A creepy love song at best. You ever paid attention the lyrics?” Stephen continues. “Not really, I just thought it was a song…
  • Big Lake
    As I write this I am currently sitting in a hotel room in Big Lake, Texas. Never mind what year it is. The name of the hotel is “The Derrick Inn”. I call it “The Derelict Inn”. It isn’t a bad hotel, really. It just has the misfortune of being located in a town that is totally out in the middle of nowhere. Big Lake may have a big lake, but despite being located in…
  • My Well Behaved Baby!!!
    Yes, it’s true, I gave birth last week!! On Christmas day I gave birth to a beautiful 33 lb 7 oz baby boy. The actual birth wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be because of the three gentleman who helped me out. Without them, my baby would have come out sideways which would have hurt a lot!! I can remember the feeling of having three pairs of hands rooting around inside me. This…
  • The Perils of Time Travel
    (This Spamrider of the Apocalypse entry arrived in my refrigerator underneath the pickles dated July 17, 2047. -Bob) Having now had some more opportunity to read through this website I can see now that me sending these messages back from The Future has already gotten this blog all out of whack and that some things just aren’t ever going to make any sense to the people reading it then until Time finally catches up. As if any…
  • Bob’s Annual Predictions for 2024!
    What an exciting list of annual predictions for 2024! So, let’s get started: Tech News!Google will launch a new advertising campaign that will present ads for products you’re thinking about, but never searched! Google A.I. will analyze each person’s thought patterns and anticipate what they are going to think about and pop-up ads.Men will be bombarded with sex and porn ads since we think about sex every 10 seconds.Women will also be bombarded by sex…
  • Howdy From Texas!
    Howdy from Texas everybody! Wow…everything really IS bigger in Texas! Even my wiener!!!!!!! Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!?
    From the editors of theweirdcrap.com: On this past Christmas Day, three hunters came across a young lady lying in the weeds next to a cardboard/wooden pallet contraption that beared a slight resemblance to living quarters. The young lady was screaming as a large object was slithering out from between her legs. The hunters were confused on what to do but figured that there was a birthing going on so they decided to help. The pulled…
  • Yes, Virginia
    A little kid came up to me today and asked me why Santa Claus always brings the rich kids nicer presents at Christmas than the poor kids. I just told her the truth that it’s because Santa Claus is a Republican. In The Future the Christmas shopping season begins the day after New Year’s. The reason for this is because over the years and the decades it just kept getting pushed further and further backwards…
  • Streamline Christmass and Save Money!
    Here it is, Dec 22nd already and if you’re sitting there reading this with no cards sent and no gifts purchased, don’t worry! I have just the thing. I was thinking about ways to streamline Christmas and save money and I came up with a solution that can save you time and money during these hard economic times. And if you’ve done none of the Christmas stuff yet, it’s still not to late to implement…
  • Optimists And Pessimists
    There are some people who always automatically choose to see the glass as half full. And there are some people who always automatically choose to see the glass as half empty. Personally, I’ve always figured it depends on whether you’re busy filling it up or drinking out of it. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • A Christmas Miracle!!!
    I was very depressed the last few days. I couldn’t help but wonder why some of the girls I work with get such nice stuff like virtually rust free Festiva’s and double-wide trailer’s with almost all the windows intact. But what about me? I’m a nice person. I was good to Ralph and look what he did to me!! I walked by our old trailer and saw him through the window with two naked women!!…
  • Merry Fucking Feelgood Season!
    Or whatever you personally may call it. Sometimes I hear people say that all the problems in this world stem from overpopulation. But I take issue with this. The problem in and of itself isn’t so much the size of the population. The problem is more the quality of the population. If we all just looked out for each other things could be a lot different. But we don’t.  We all look out for ourselves.…
  • Just In Time For The Holidays…….ANGER!
    So angry right now! It’s not that my plan to fill all of Bob’s underpants with talcum powder so that when he’s in court and farts a bit of the white powder shoots out and then everyone will point and laugh at the gassy guy is not a great plan and probably something that I’ve already done without him knowing, but it’s something else that’s made me quite furious. It’s Acast again! Whenever I’m in…
  • It’s the most Christmass-y Time of the Year!
    Merry Christmas, it’s the most Christmas-y time of the year! And for folks who don’t celebrate Christmas, Happy Holidays! You don’t have to be Chirstian to celebrate Christmas. It was just a silly thing made up by someone a long time ago to wipe away those winter blues. He just happened to be Christian, so he made it linked to the Jesus. The Santa we all know was made up by the Coca-Cola company. Before,…

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