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  • The Journey To HR, Part 60!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Well, I did and you did. Therefore, we both did,” said the HR lady. “No,” I said, starting to get that peeved feeling. “No?” That almost peeved me even more. “No!” “No,” said the HR lady, almost in a whisper. I let out a peeved sigh. “Someone spoke. Not me. Not you. Sure as heck not Star Child Two!” Star Child Two flew over to me and nodded. “So,” said the HR lady. “It wasn’t…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 28
    by Bob Senitram
    The silence broke when Cindy lowered her gaze to the table. Slowly, deliberately, she placed both palms down, then pushed herself up without looking at Bob. Her eyes rose last, calm and unreadable. In one smooth motion, she reached under her blouse, drew a sleek, polished black pistol from her waistband, and aimed it straight at Bob’s chest. Her face was serene. Unflinching. Bob lunged for the nearest object; his hand closed around the neck…
  • Those Commie Sluts Destroyed my Dreams!
    by Hooty McBoobs
    I know I said that I was going to write about Grapes this week but I have these dreams I’d like to share. So I changed my mind. I am a female, and to quote that famous wife beater/dope s moker Bobby Brown “…its my prerogative!” I wanted to start a new career and I thought, “What would be better than being a Hooker.” Now I wasn’t going to be a street corner hooker, I…
  • Think About It (Just Not Too Much)
    by Spamrider
    I know it hurts to think about it.  And thinking about it too much is definitely unhealthy.  But if you’re not careful, not thinking about it becomes a habit.  And then you’re just like them because you just don’t care anymore. So think about it.
  • The Journey To HR, Part 59!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Dingo?” I asked warmly. “Dingo!” the HR lady purred. “Which means…..?” “The ‘Dingo Ate My Baby’ dance!” exclaimed the HR lady. And that’s what we did. Star Child Two helped by acting out a dingo eating a baby. It was quite ferocious. And bloody. But not REALLY bloody since it was just a baby. Therefore, less blood. We almost stopped dancing to watch the ferocity and small amount of blood, but couldn’t. We just watched…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 27
    by Bob Senitram
    Friday was a blur. Meetings Bob didn’t remember attending, conversations that felt rehearsed. The weight of his thoughts was heavier than the briefcase he dropped on the garage floor. Cindy’s car was already parked inside. He stared at it for a moment too long, hand paused on the door handle. She’s here. But which Cindy? The scent hit him the second he stepped inside. Mississippi pot roast. Pepperoncini spice and warm, fatty richness. His favorite.…
  • The New Chick is Here with More Chick Shit!
    by Hooty McBoobs
    Hi! I’m Hooty McBoobs and I’ll be writing “Chick Shit for Chic Chicks” from now on! Or, at least til I get tired of writing a weekly column for the 10 people that visit this website each week. You might have guessed, that’s not my real name. You’ll never know my real name, and let’s just keep it that way. Since this is the first thing that I am writing I asked Stephen what I…
  • Still More Words Of Advice
    by Spamrider
    Never let a cat win a staring contest unless you know exactly what you are doing.
  • The Journey To HR, Part 58!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Well, it really is but it’s just something to do to pass the time,” said the HR lady. We both stared at the split open head, just to pass some more time. When that time was passed we passed some more time by doing nothing. “Retsyn dance?” asked the HR lady. “Nah,” I said. “That fun is most probably over. Say….what’s your name? Tired of having to type out ‘HR lady’ every time you say…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 26
    by Bob Senitram
    The next morning, Bob sat up suddenly, breath coming fast and chest pounding. The dream still clung to him—Cindy, standing over him with a knife in her hand, her face blank and cold. Her voice had been barely a whisper, yet it echoed:“I know who you are…” He turned toward Cindy, uneasy, just as the alarm blared. He jumped, heart racing again. Cindy silenced it with a groan, then gave him a sideways glance, eyes…
  • Nothing to See Here!
    by Hooty McBoobs
    Note from the Editor (Bob S.) Sorry folks, nothing to see here! We don’t have a new columnist yet. Or rather, we do, we just haven’t seen a single word from her. So, technically, we got nuthin’. It’s someone Stephen knows. So, naturally, I’m on high alert. Stephen’s “recommendations” tend to fall somewhere between mild chaos and federal offense. Still, he insisted we give her full admin access to the site so she can post…
  • A Peek Into The Future
    by Spamrider
    The Journey To HR, Part 1,389! “Fruity Pebbles?” the HR lady asked. “Fruity Pebbles!” I replied. “Fruity Pebbles?” Sean Cassidy asked. “Fruity Pebbles!” I replied. And then, just to get the point across, I replied again, “Fruity Pebbles!” Star Child Two bonked Sean Cassidy on the head as it had been continuously doing ever since his glorious magnificent arrival.  Sean Cassidy didn’t seem to mind. Jerome’s reanimated left testicle rolled over in front of us…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 57!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Jerome and I continued our Retsyn dance as the HR lady collapsed to the floor, panting heavily. Star Child Two continued its cadence bonking, now with the desk lamp. “This is just WAAAAAAY too much fun!” I gleefully shouted. This must have triggered something in Jerome’s body. It stopped dancing and looked around as only a headless body can do. Then it crumbled to the floor. Jerome’s bodiless head stopped rolling. “Retsyn,” it whispered and…
  • The Forbiddden Time Zone: Part 25
    by Bob Senitram
    As Bob brushed his teeth that night, Cindy lay still in bed, her eyes fixed on the ceiling, mind racing. Bob had made a mistake—one that proved everything. He’d casually mentioned a startup that, by all official records, didn’t exist yet. At least, not in the way he described it. Cindy knew better. She’d already researched the early paper trail before Bob ever arrived. Back then, it was little more than a placeholder, a shell…
  • Is this Column Cursed?
    by Yvonne
    From the Editor: I don’t know what happens to the people who write this column, but Yvonne totally lost it! She went from being a self-absorbed, independent woman to someone completely paranoid and delusional. Honestly, I’ve noticed Stephen has that effect on people. But it’s not really his fault. Well, actually, it is. He frequently made sexual innuendos when Yvonne was around, and his constant barrage of insults is just too much for anyone to…
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    by Spamrider
    Note from the Editor: Oops! Forgot to load on Sunday like we usually do. For those of you wondering what this is, Spamrider approached us and said he needed to relay information from the future to his past self. We don’t know why? But here’s this weeks entry: Smirk (n):  The smile you want to smack off somebody’s face.
  • The Journey To HR, Part 56!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Retsyn,” I said, still lying on the floor. Star Child Two hummed something from its spot on the floor. The HR lady didn’t say anything. “RETSYN!” Jerome screamed again. “RETSYN, RETSYN, RETSYN, RETSYNRETSYNRETSYNRETTTTTTTTSYNNNNNNNNNNNN!” He was now running around the room, acting like a cat that just had the best poop of its life. Star Child Two rose off the floor, went over to the HR lady and bonked her on the head. She didn’t move.…
  • Forbidden Time Zone: A NEW HOPE!
    by Bob Senitram
    America feels like it’s coming apart at the seams—and somehow, the guy holding the scissors isn’t good at cutting. But believe it or not, there’s a new hope in all this chaos. I’m stepping away from my usual storyline today for something different: an old-school opinion column. With everything spinning off the rails here in the good ol’ US of A, maybe what we need isn’t another headline—it’s some perspective, maybe even a little hope.…
  • Eat Me!
    by Yvonne
    I am not going to write about dining etiquette, so if that’s what you expected, you can just eat me! The editor here at TheWeirdcrap.com said I should write something more “lady-like,” like fine dining. Then he said, “You should smile more, you’re pretty when you smile.” What an ass-hole! I already wrote a column about that some time ago. For those of you that have a short memory, you might want to take the…
  • Some Words Of Advice
    by Spamrider
    Always watch out for the ones claiming to be the good guys.
  • The Journey To HR, Part 55!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Jerome began to hop around excitedly. “Does it burn?” I asked, smiling largely. “Does it feel like your head skin is melting?” asked the HR lady, smiling even more largely. “NO!” happily yelled Jerome. “Oh,” I said and stopped smiling. “Sad,” said the HR lady who also stopped smiling. “It just might smell like rancid cottage cheese…….,” began Jerome. I twirled around, waiting for him to continue. The HR lady also twirled around, probably also…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 24
    by Bob Senitram
    The Forbidden Time Zone has a lot of moving parts, so let’s take a moment to step back and connect everything. It was 2015-and-something, when Bob creates what he believes to be an altered timeline of a simulated version of his past life. His goal? To lure out a mysterious entity. Bob is convinced this entity is behind the creation of multiple timelines inside the simulated world. A place that, in his reality, is where…
  • How to be Treated Like the Queen you are!
    by Yvonne
    For those of you that are wondering, I am doing much better and I thank all of you that have supported me. Last weekend I was feeling very depressed and I started to cry. This must have done something to my lover because he comforted me and treated me like the queen I am. I had heard about the crying thing before, but never dreamed that it would actually work. So, all you ladies out…
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    by Spamrider
    Forever:  For as long as I live.
  • The Journey To HR, Part 54!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Fine. FINE!” yelled Jerome after discovering there really were no exits. “What happened to the exits?” I asked the HR lady. She shrugged. As did I. Jerome walked over to one of the puddles of Star Child Two’s leavings, got down on all fours and licked away. “Disgusting!” the HR lady exclaimed. “Yeah, well, remember that’s it’s all for science,” I said. “Science,” she said softly. Jerome finished his licking and stood up. “It doesn’t…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 23
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week in The Forbidden Time Zone, we learned about one of the special modifications Cindy had made to the house: a hidden storage panel tucked into the walk-in closet. Inside it, she kept a set of razor-sharp knives she fondly referred to as her little pretties. She slid the final blade back into its casing with practiced care.“Not yet, my little pretties… soon.”With a press of her finger on the keypad, the panel whirred…
  • This Site is up to NO GOOD!
    by admin
    It seems that the “men” that run this site are trying to play a little game with me. Supposedly, one of my columns was “lost” so last weeks column was written for my fans to let them know that I didn’t forget about them. Well, I found out that none of my columns was actually lost. Instead, the webmaster had a brain freeze and forgot to post one of my columns so everything was a…
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    by Spamrider
    Double-down (v):  The act of making yourself into twice the uncompromising idiot you were before.
  • The Journey To HR, Part 53!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “But it’s not your normal gas,” said Jerome. We were now intrigued. “TELL US MORE!” we screamed in unison. “Well, when I pass the gas, it’s not really gas,” said Jerome. “When I check my drawers, there’s only strands of this pink substance and I never eat pink food. It’s a religious thing.” Star Child Two, still in the corner, shook and a few drops splattered to the floor. “Yummy Chick-O-Stick,” said the HR lady…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 22
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week, Bob had entered his own body in 2015. Little did he know, the entity he was searching for was in his own home. Clueless, Bob called from the bottom of the stairs, “Hey, you want me to take Nancy to school?” Cindy emerged from the bedroom, still half-dressed. One shoe was on, the other dangled from her hand. She looked rushed, but her voice stayed light and casual. “Would you? That’d be great.”…
  • More Worthless Bullshit!
    by Yvonne
    Dear Yvonne, Where have you been? I thought you would only be on vacation for a week but you’ve been gone for TWO whole weeks! I’m at my wits end here and need your help badly. Nothing in my life is going well and I’m just about to give up and forget I was even born. You’re my last hope! Please, please, please, please HELP ME BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE! Don This is bullshit! I…
  • For Those Allergic To People
    by Spamrider
    Soylent Green is made out of people. Soylent Red is made out of squirrels. Soylent Blue is made out of possum. Soylent Yellow is made out of toads. Soylent Magenta is made out of placenta. Soylent Pink is made out of chicken byproducts. Soylent Teal is made out of rat droppings. Soylent Indigo is made out of palomino ponies. Soylent Orange is made out of stinky goat cheese. Soylent Paisley is made out of chocolate…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 52!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Grape Nuts, both dry and wet, fell out of my now gaping mouth. “GRAPE NUTS!” Jerome screamed as he stood up. Grape Nuts, mostly wet with a few dry ones, fell out of the HR lady’s now gaping mouth. I closed my mouth and swallowed whatever Grape Nut remnants remained. “Say, do you want some?” I asked Jerome as he looked around. “GRAPE NUTS!” he screamed yet again as he looked around with wide, wild…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 21
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week in The Forbidden Time Zone, Bob had started to gain memories of his past lives. His mind, once foggy, was now flooded with fragments of forgotten timelines, moments that held the key to changing his future. He focused on one memory, a pivotal moment from what he perceived as the original timeline, one where his choices could steer him toward a better life. But there was a greater plan. Bob had concluded that…
  • This Website can Just Go to Hell!
    by Yvonne
    I take a week off and the people that work for this website (and they are all men) decide to go behind my back and make fun of me and write something in last weeks column that made me extremely upset. It’s like I work for a bunch of kids here. I try to help everyone out with whatever problems they might have and this is how I get treated as soon as I’m gone…
  • Quote of the Day
    by Spamrider
    “Day by day, however, the machines are gaining ground upon us; day by day we are becoming more subservient to them. The upshot is simply a question of time, but that the time will come when the machines will hold the real supremacy over the world and its inhabitants is what no person of a truly philosophic mind can for a moment question.” -Samuel Butler, 1863
  • The Journey To HR, Part 51!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Grape Nuts!” the HR lady yelled. “With milk?” I asked. “Of course not!” she replied. “We eat them dry!” “THAT’S THE BEST!” I hollered. “I KNOW!” she hollered back. We grabbed large cups and filled them to the rim with Grape Nuts. And then we started to eat those crunchy little morsels, every now and then throwing a few nuggets at Star Child Two who missed them all. We crunched away until our cups were…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 20 – Bob
    by Bob Senitram
    For the last few weeks in Forbidden Time Zone, we learned all about the entity, Cindy, and the Creators. Now, we’re back to Bob as he leaves his 12-year-old body, which just encountered the entity. Bob rose, shedding his old body like a snake sloughing off its skin. He drifted upward, past the sky, and into the expanse of space. As he ascended, fragments of forgotten memories flickered back into his mind, the lives he’d…
  • Finally, Some Peace and Quiet!
    by Yvonne
    It’s finally happened. Yvonne has went on vacation. In between bouts of drunkenness and carousing, we tried to think of things that we could put in this spot until she comes back. Nude pictures were out because of all the fucking kids that visit this site and we want to be as FFF (Family Fucking Friendly) as possible. We think of ourselves as kind of Disneyish in the way we go about doing our stuff…
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    by Spamrider
    Never:  Eventually, and often sooner rather than later.
  • The Journey To HR, Part 50!
    by Stephen Johnson
    We did nothing but stare at Jerome’s prone body for awhile. Then we got lost in our own private thoughts. Finally it was nap time. When we woke up, Jerome was still lying motionless. “Are these his brains?” asked the HR lady while kicking at some pinkish-gray clumps that were oozing from Jerome’s head. Star Child Two swooped down to take a closer look. I also took a closer look, without the swooping. “Don’t know…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 19 – Cindy
    by Bob Senitram
    As instructed, Cindy entered Bob’s new world in 2015. This was it. This was the culmination of years of planning and manipulating timelines. This was the Creators’ plan, and it had borne fruit, Bob. And he’s now ready to be picked. She observed the changes the Creators had warned her about. They explained that Bob had created a new universe from the variables of his past lives. The best version for himself. Cindy was eager…
  • Why are you here?
    by Yvonne
    Your here? You should know that I am on vacation so I wouldn’t be wasting my time writing something new for you. I understand you need my help, but sometimes even someone as wonderful as myself needs some time off. You probably came here for some beauty tips which I promised last week. Just because I promise something doesn’t mean that I have to follow through. That’s the reason why I’m me and you’re you.…
  • Older on the Inside
    by Spamrider
    People wonder why I look about 60 years old when I’m supposedly only 38. Well, it’s because I am about 60 years old. But I’m also only 38. It all depends how you look at it you see. So if you subtract the year I was born from the year I am writing this to determine my age then I am indeed only 38 years old. But I’ve obviously lived a lot more than 38…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 49!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Jerome stood up and wiped the tears from his face. “That was a complete waste of time!” he yelled. “What was?” I asked, feeling THAT anger rise. “THAT STORY!” he yelled, but in a higher pitch. “Well, well, well,” said the HR lady while still sitting on the floor. Star Child Two started humming something in quite the angry way. “YOU NEED TO SHUT YOUR TRAPS AND LISTEN TO ME!” Jerome screamed, now in a…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 18 – Cindy
    by Bob Senitram
    Cindy was heading toward the Creators once again after failing to put an end to Bob when he was a child, a task that seemed so simple then. She could hear the smug “I told you so’s” already forming in her head. But the Creators would never say it so plainly. No, it would be a grand affair, stretched into a two-hour oratory, full of self-righteousness. She couldn’t wait for the Man-splaining session. They would…
  • We All Love Vacation!
    by Yvonne
    Last week I mentioned that I was going to be on vacation this week, but because I’m me, I changed my mind. I have every right to change my mind because of who I am. Besides, you came her anyway so I might as well write something so that you can go on with your life. Maybe I’ll be on vacation next week. Again, that’s MY decision and it doesn’t matter what’s going on in…
  • Trapped in Bob’s Closet: The Dramatic Conclusion!
    by Spamrider
    Things have changed quite a bit here in Bob’s closet since my last report.  Somehow Bob found out about the party and now he’s started torturing us by making us listen to Billie Eilish day and night.  And night and day.  And day and night.  And night and day.  Gary and I have barely been able to get any sleep.  And Gary can’t schnizzle off anymore because Bob has installed surveillance cameras that cover the…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 48!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Well, let’s hold on for a moment,” I said. “This reminds me of something from a long, long time ago!” The HR lady and Jerome sat down on the floor an watched me with rapt attention. Star Chile Two hovered an inch or so above the floor an watched me with rapt attention. “See, I was working in a car factory during THE war, and the government came down and said that instead of making…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: PART 17- The Creators
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week, the Creators manipulated Cindy’s strongest emotion to pull her into their war against that damn Bob. They had to explain, of course, that they couldn’t send physical objects, like a gun or a baseball bat, through time. This was why they had to wait until the precise moment of Cindy’s death before calling her to them. It’s not possible to send a physical body or object through time. Only a consciousness could bridge…
  • The Second Date!
    by admin
    Last week I gave you some tips on first dates. I have found that some of you actually go out on a second date with the same person so I’m going to go ahead and give you some tips for the second date. Please don’t bother to thank me either. You should have slept with your date a couple of times by now. Sex is a serious business so it’s time to get serious with…
  • Trapped in Bob’s Closet, Part 402: Electric Boogaloo!
    by Spamrider
    So Gary Coleman threw a big party the other night, right here in Bob’s closet.  Now you may be wondering how Bob’s closet could possibly hold enough people to constitute a “party”.  Well I’m telling you Gary threw a BASH!  There had to be over 150 people in here.  In Bob’s closet.  What you may be forgetting is that Gary is a Dimension Lord.  So he just knoozled Bob’s closet so that it was bigger…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: PART 16- Cindy – 2
    by Bob Senitram
    Cindy had just escaped Bob’s detection and was moving through the vast expanse of time and space, preparing to meet the Creators once again. This time, her thoughts turned to the memories of their first encounter. Long ago, when Cindy had finally reached the end of her life, she had been ready. She’d seen enough of this world and was prepared to leave. Taking one final breath, the light fading from her eyes and the…
  • Dating tips for all you loosers!
    by Yvonne
    I get a lot of mail from pathetic people asking me tips on dating, especially tips for the dreaded first date. Answering this mail would be a complete waste of time on my part since I figure that anyone who would ask for tips on something as simple as dating, is a loser. Yet I do answer mail in my column every week from losers, so I guess I have that double standard thing going…
  • Trapped in Bob’s Closet: The Screenplay
    by Spamrider
    Announcer: On our last installment of Trapped in Bob’s Closet, Spamrider was able to type out a new message thanks to Don Knotts, The Professor from a real Gilligan’s Island existing in another universe where Dimension Lord Gary Coleman had previously schnizzled him from.  We now join Spamrider, Gary, and Melissa the old Chick Shit chick in Bob’s closet. Spamrider:  This cell phone charger works great, Gary!  Thanks for schnizzling Don Knotts over to make it…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 47!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “What’s even worse is now he’s listening to Billie Eilish,” said Jerome. I choked on the crumpet. The HR lady choked on the tea. Star Child Two choked on his humming of “When The Levee Breaks”. I quickly performed the Heimlich Maneuver on myself and the lodged crumpet piece shot out of my mouth and hit Jerome in the face. “Eww!” yelped Jerome. The HR lady quickly performed the Heimlich Maneuver on herself for some…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: PART 15- Cindy’s Story
    by Bob Senitram
    Cindy’s mind stopped for a moment as she froze, her heart hammering in her chest as her eyes locked onto Bob’s form—outside his body. He was no longer tethered to the mortal world, just as she had once been. She had no words, no explanations, only an overwhelming, suffocating shock. How did he accomplish this? She had never imagined or prepared for this scenario. Bob was becoming something different, something beyond what she was used…
  • Finally, Happiness Comes my Way!
    by Yvonne
    I have great news for everyone, and there is nothing anybody can do or say that will rid me of my current happiness. First off, I met a man! Now, this isn’t exactly big news since I am every man’s dream, but I have finally met a man who meets all my standards and even surpasses some of them. He treats me like I’m a priceless treasure, which I am. Whatever I want, I get…
  • Trapped in Bob’s Closet, Part 106
    by Spamrider
    So it turns out Gary Coleman is a Dimension Lord who can get out of Bob’s closet any time he wants and in fact comes and goes as he pleases. The old Chick Shit chick doesn’t talk much. I think she’s got shellshock from some of the things Bob did to her. I guess they don’t call it shellshock anymore. She’s got the PTSDQ. Anyway Gary Coleman schnizzled to an alternate universe where Gilligan’s Island…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 46!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “YOWZA!” yelled Jerome. He stopped twitching. I stared at him. The HR lady barely glanced at him as she continued searching for some tea. Star Child Two continued its flight, now humming something that could have been “Canary In A Coalmine”. “That’s….it?” I asked, completely letdown. “Yeah,” said Jerome. “Just some aftereffects from all those visits to Crack Whore Village!” “I thought it was ‘Crackwhore Village’?” I asked as the anger rose from my bowels…

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