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  • The God Algorithm
    by Spamrider
    So Schmelnoz and I were hanging out drinking the other night (imagine that), and as he was passing out under my coffee table Schmelnoz kept muttering something about “The God Algorithm”. The next morning I asked him what the hell he was talking about and all he would tell me was that all the fundamental machinations of humanity are essentially being executed by quantum computer algorithms and that we have no idea the extent to…
  • Why I love the Genius of Trump!
    by Bob Senitram
    Ah, dear reader, I found myself in quite the peculiar state whilst indulging in a speech delivered by none other than Donald J. Trump at one of his raucous rallies. You see, there’s an undeniable charm in the sheer absurdity of his words, a veritable delight for those with a penchant for humor. Regardless of one’s political leanings, one must concede that he has a gift for the ridiculous. Now, my wife has taken to…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 30!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Quick!” shouted the HR lady. “You have to do it now!” “Do what?” “BEAT HIM!” “Who? Star Child Two? I mean, he did say I was kind of…sexy.” “NO! Come on, idiot boy! BEAT BOB!” “You mean……” “YES!” “NOW?” “Yessssssssssssss!” “Okay. Say, what’s your name?” “Nevermind. Do it. DO IT!” As I prepared to “do it” I looked up at Star Child Two. “Do you think I’m still kind of…..sexy?” It said nothing. Then it…
  • More Guest Submissions to replace Melissa!
    by Submitted by Guest
    Without Melissa, the emails keeps pouring in and it’s getting harder and harder to pick something for this column. Out of the two we received last week, we decided to go with the one below since it was slightly disturbing. We have nothing against things that are disturbing, but we felt that this went that extra mile for disturbedness (new word!) It’s from someone named Yvonne. We have not idea where’s she from, but can…
  • The Firmata
    by Spamrider
    Nicholson Baker wrote a novel called The Firmata about a guy who could stop time. And, as most guys who could stop time would probably do, he largely just used his superpowers to take off women’s bras and panties.  But he also did all these funny little things to fuck with people, and if nothing else it’s a very entertaining, though often bordering on pornographic, book. But if you really think about it, it would…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 29!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Know what?” I asked as I placed the crazy wig on my bleeding head. “I don’t know?” asked the HR lady. “Is that a question? Do you really not know? A minute ago it seemed that you DID know and now you’re acting like maybe you do know, but there’s also that possibility that you DON’T know and….say, do you have a stapler?” What kind of HR lady do you think I am? Of course…
  • North of the Border!
    by Bob Senitram
    For this edition, we renamed the column, “North of the Border”. It was one of the columns submitted to replace Melissa Paterick’s “Chick Shit” column. It didn’t quite fit in, and he actually wrote an Ask Bob column, so what the heck. We’re putting it here. Ask Bob will return next Friday (10/04/2024). Until then, please enjoy the ramblings from a man who lives… North of The BorderBy “Dangerous Dave” Well, since Melissa is gone…
  • Chick Shit lives on…
    by Melissa Paternik
    This is third week without Melissa writing the chick shit column, and we’re still happy. The loss of a fellow “human being” shouldn’t necessarily cause extreme happiness, but it does to us, and there’s nothing we can or will do about it. And people keep sending in those guest commentaries! Obviously, they too aren’t that upset about the death of Melissa. It just proves out point that happiness is contagious. We read quite a few…
  • Thirty Six Thousand Trillion Trillion Lumens
    by Spamrider
    That’s how much light the sun puts out. I read it on the internet so it must be true. Schmelnoz says that most of the interesting stuff happening in the universe at any given moment is happening in the wavelengths of light outside of human vision. That is to say, most of what is going on right in front of our eyes is invisible to us. And Schmelnoz says that is undoubtedly for the better…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 28!
    by Stephen Johnson
    And that’s what Star Child Two did. It licked my head. Unlike a cat’s groovy tongue, Star Child Two’s tongue was covered in teeny tiny razor blades. It licked and licked and those glorious locks of my full head of hair began falling to the ground. “Just a little off the top,” I said, probably trying to be humorous. It ignored my request. Soon all my hair was gone and next was the skin. It…
  • Bob meets His Match! (Viewer Email Part 3)
    by Bob Senitram
    In the “Viewer Mail Part 1” column, I explained that when I saw the show where the gospel man gave his testimonial about how he come to find the Jesus, I would follow suit. So, I did, in “Viewer Mail Part 2“. Now, we’re back to the contest to see who would get the sacred Saturday slot for our columns. I came up with the idea, that we would drink a beer every time a…
  • Week 2 without Melissa!
    by Submitted by Guest
    Week 2 without Melissa and everything’s fine in the world. After reading millions of guest commentaries for the “Chick Shit” column, we came across this submission from Jeff. Where Jeff is from we have no idea, but I had a brother named Jeff and he used to beat the shit out of me every chance he got until I got wired on alcohol and cocaine one day after school and started pounding the shit out…
  • Shit Sandwich
    by Spamrider
    They say when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. This always seemed sort of silly to me.  Mostly because I like lemons just fine. So what if life hands you a stinking pile of shit? What are you supposed to do then, make a shit sandwich? Funny thing is I once knew a guy who did exactly that. As a child he lived on a farm, and he had to walk to school every day. Since his family was poor…
  • How I found the Jesus! (Viewer Email Part 2)
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week, In the “Viewer Mail” column, Stephen and I decided on a contest to see who would get the sacred Saturday slot for our columns. I came up with this idea. We would a cable religion channel and wait for a faith healer to come on. Then drink a beer each time a faith healer, healed someone. Last man standing wins! We got started, but then the faith guy told how he found the…
  • Our First Column of Chick Shit without Melissa!
    by Submitted by Guest
    Well, here we go. A new era has begun. With the death of Melissa, we asked for you, our wonderful, loyal reader, to go ahead and send us a commentary. And, boy, did we ever receive a few. It took us minutes to read them all and pick the best. So, read on. Hi. My name is Charles and I’m still in school, so don’t have alot to write about. Here goes. I am going…
  • Ask The Spamrider, Vol. 2
    by Spamrider
    So Bob has been wanting me to do another edition of Ask The Spamrider, the column where I answered letters from my so-called “fans”.  And God knows what Bob wants Bob gets.  Bob has this annoying way of relentlessly needling you, like a ravenous and bloodthirsty little mosquito you never can quite seem to swat.  At least he promised there would be no Doctor Who questions this time, so I guess at least that’s something.…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 27!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “I shall be known as Star Child Two,” said the orb. “Should it be ‘the orb’ or ‘The Orb’?” I asked, really wanting to know. It thought for a moment and then starting waving around its tiny T-Rex arms. “Did you not hear what I said?” “Well, I did but……” “CALL ME STAR CHILD TWO!” it yelled in its tiny, squeaky voice. “How about SCT? I like shortening things.” A bolt of lightning shot from…
  • Viewer Mail!!!
    by Bob Senitram
    It’s a lot of work to find actual viewer mail, because I get 100 emails a week by folks offering to increase our SEO rankings on google. I don’t even know what SEO is? Anyway, go here to Ask Bob a question! I’ll find your question hidden in my ever-growing inbox. Are you “viewers” or visitors? I mean, you have to view the screen to read our stuff…right? Stan writes: “Hey Bob, a couple of…
  • On Continuity
    by Spamrider
    From the fiction writer’s perspective continuity is merely an irksome expectation based upon an unfortunate misunderstanding of unreality. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • THIS IS THE END!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Is this the end? Melissa is dead. She is no longer among the living due to choking on her own vomit or accidentally drinking a glass of Drano. Well, that’s our guess. But a conflicting rumor says, she was at her regular 9-5 job when she just plopped over from her desk and hit the floor. Employees figured this was just another one of her stunts to get attention. So they went about their business,…
  • Yet Still More Shit Schmelnoz Says
    by Spamrider
    Schmelnoz once told me that the Zippo lighter is the pinnacle of man’s creation. “Think about it,” he said. Actually he probably said something more like, “Surmise Spamrider upon the following megrim…” But as usual I’m transliterating here. So he said, “Think about it.  Instant fire in a little pocket-sized indestructible metal box.  If you humans had just quit while you were ahead the entire universe would be better off right now.” And at the…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 26!
    by Stephen Johnson
    After the door closed, I sat in the same position for over an hour, still slightly drooling. Finally, I came to my sense. “Did that really happen?” I asked the HR lady. “It did. It really, really did!” “I no longer have to poop!” I said while squeezing to see if something DID come out. “You’re going to be a millionaire! I’m going to treat you with respect!” “And…..I REMEMBERED WHAT BOB DID!” I yelled…
  • Nice Dreams – RESCUE!: Part – oh, forget it!
    by Bob Senitram
    Well, last week, in an attempt to rescue Bob, Jerome went and got on the boat that was havin’ a gun fight with police, and now he’s a hostage. Things are lookin’ pretty grim for ol’ Bob and Jerome right about now… But don’t worry, he’s got an “angle”. Ezra is holding onto Bob by the arm and then he grabs a hold of Jerome. Jerome dares not to try to escape, ’cause one of…
  • Time in a Beer in a Bottle
    by Spamrider
    I tried Time in a Beer in a Bottle for the first time today. As an experienced Time Traveller not to mention drunkard it didn’t really do all that much for me to be honest. I can’t really say about the guy I shared it with though. I’m still combing through the history books trying to figure that part out. The Song In Bob’s Head Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • Melissa has her second show!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    You would think that a couple of pieces of duct tape would solve the problem I had with my first show, but it’s me were talking about duct tape is not good enough to solve my problems!! Sure, the customers weren’t squirted in the face with my breast milk at the second show. This was a very good thing since I doubt I can afford to lose this job because, if I do, it’s back…
  • Quote of the Day + Shit Schmelnoz Says
    by Spamrider
    “Bene vixit, bene qui latuit.” -René Descartes (quoting Ovid) Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible says that when nobody knows who the hell you are then you can be anybody you want. Which I suppose is especially beneficial when even you don’t know who the hell you are. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • Nice Dreams…HOSTAGE!: Part XVIII
    by Bob Senitram
    Continuing with Part XVIII: Ezra got Bob as a hostage and now and now they’re marching onto the deck where all the action is…yadda, yadda, yadda… Is this really part XVIII? I kinda lost track! PART XVIII Ezra leads Bob to the deck where gunfire ensues between the cohorts of Ma Baker and the police. “I don’t know if this is a good idea.” Bob says to Ezra. “This is just what we need to…
  • I finally had my first show!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Of course, the first show didn’t go off without a hitch, but I performed to the best of my ability, and I think the people in the audience were very appreciative. I was scared that the crowd wold be like the crowds in the go go bar. Sure, they loved me while I was on stage, but when I was done dancing, I was just another piece of meat with a few extra pennies that…
  • The Turd Burglar
    by Spamrider
    So I just recently got back from my extended vacation visiting my Giant friends who dwell deep beneath the earth in the south of France. I visited them in the 27th century this time because their caverns are a lot easier to access then.  Giants basically live like forever so they’re essentially the same bunch of Giants whenever I visit them.  The only time it gets confusing is when they will refer to something which…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 24!
    by Stephen Johnson
    The faint knocking grew louder. “Are you going to answer the door?” asked the HR lady. “Me?” “No, the pink rabbit you stupid, stupid fool,” she answered. I couldn’t tell if she was kidding. It was really hard trying to pry my hands away from DOWN THERE. Don’t know why. Not like I was har… The pink rabbit answered the door. Didn’t realize there was a large pink rabbit in the room that whole time.…
  • Nice Dreams that are not so nice: Part XVII
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week, in a low blood sugar craze, Bob walks to the boat with Ma Baker and her cohorts, while they engage in a fierce gun battle with police. Crazy for food, he finds the kitchen and makes himself a nice sandwich, with ham, turkey, and bacon. The battle rages on while he picks up a bottle of wine, but the bottle get shattered by gunfire while still in his hand. Meanwhile, Jerome and Melissa…
  • The Surgery!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Hi!!! You’ll be happy to know that my latest surgery was a success!!! I had the first ever neck elongation surgery in the world, and soon I’ll be able to take my show on the road!! I wanted to give you a step by step detail of the surgery, but the doctor had to put me under since I was screaming so much from the pain. The last thing I can remember from the operating…
  • Himalayan Adventures
    by Spamrider
    I am returned. And just so everybody knows, I accidentally hit “send” too early whenever I sent that note back to Bob’s pickles.  Eggs.  Whatever. And I only had one shot. What the note should have said is, “No column this week, it is time-bound imperative that you do not publish any portion of this communication whatsoever, not even a single word or letter.  If you do, you risk causing a Time Rupture on Uranus. …
  • The Journey To HR, Part 23!
    by Stephen Johnson
    ….I passed out. As I lay there (I think), breathing in that sweet, tangy Lysol scent, I was reminded of that time that…. No. I won’t go there. I removed my hands from DOWN THERE. Now was not the time. I thought about doing that HR lady trick and tried to rip myself from my current body. Tried as I might, I couldn’t get that to work. It just made me want to poop again,…
  • Dreams: Part XVI or Meanwhile back at the Ranch…
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week Jerome found out he was duped, and Bob ain’t an alien at all. He’s just a very, very, very-stupid man, who’s doing the best that he can. Meanwhile, back at the lake… Jerome and Melissa return to the scene of the crime. The hole in the ground where they left Bob. Jerome is looking down the empty hole in disbelief, “Oh jeez, oh jeez, oh jeez…he ain’t here!” He says while pacing around…
  • That Darn Bust!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Well, my first show was a complete bust!!! (no pun intended?) I was allowed to perform in front of my fellow prisoners and the warden also bussed in some hardened male criminals from the nearby state penitentiary. I was very excited about this because I couldn’t think of anyone else better to perform to. Imagine having your first show in front of hundreds of sex-starved criminal minded men!!! I can tell you that I was…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 22!
    by Stephen Johnson
    There was a horrible, slurpy tearing sound. I looked at the prone body of the HR lady and that’s where the sound was coming from. The body moved. I thought she was coming out of her silly faint. Instead, her body tore apart and the HR lady climbed out of herself. She was a bit shorter. Obviously. “Hurry,” she said. “We’ve have to clean up this office pronto!” She picked up her gooey mess and…
  • Action Dreams – Melissa and Jerome: Part XV!
    by Bob Senitram
    Bob and the cops just arrive at the dock where we can see the boat approaching. The area is lined with police cars all facing sideways so when the boat arrives, they can use the cars as a shield. “I don’t know, this looks like it’s gonna get ugly.” Bob says from the back of the police car. “How about we make another detour and get a little somethin’ for breakfast, I’m starving.” “Don’t weasel…
  • Something Is Not Quite Right!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Oh well, I’ve had another minor setback!!! For the last week, I felt something wasn’t quite right with me. I thought that I had a tumor or maybe even syphillis, but my eagle-eyed cellmate informed me that my huge boob was getting smaller!! Thank goodness it wasn’t a tumor!! I went to the prison doctor and he told me that I had probably developed an immunity to the side effects caused by the boob growing…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 21!
    by Stephen Johnson
    I answered the phone, as you sometimes should do. “Yes?” I asked in as timid a voice as possible, just in case this was a scammer. “Is this Stephen Johnson?” “Yes?” in that still timid voice. “Hey there! This is Cornelius Sproot with [redacted]! Got your email about that thing you designed and we’re very intrigued!” “Oh?” “YES! This will be the biggest thing since……well…..that really last big thing!” “Crayons?” “Bigger than crayons! BIGGER!” “Wow.”…
  • Nice Dreams: Part XIV
    by Bob Senitram
    Bob just witnessed the horrific scene at the Kellog’s plan, which fits in real nice with the story… After that little scene from last week, Bob stands up and brushes the dirt off his clothes. “Dude, it’s just a manufacturing plant. You should take a chill pill.” Jim points out. “Yeah, you need to relax. Try a little tenderness, now and then.” “Sorry guys, I know I over-reacted at the end of the last column.…
  • My Time in Prison!
    by Melissa Paternik
    The time is almost here!!! In a couple of days I will officially become a freak!!! In the meantime, it’s training time for me. Thank goodness I took that drug that caused my wonderful deformity because prison is pretty boring. Before my boob grew, I would wake up at 6 am every day, pee and go get some breakfast. I am on a cellblock that consists of 20 cells that can hold two people and…
  • It is Time…
    by Bob Senitram
    This morning, I found a note by The Spamrider, behind the eggs in my fridge that just said, “No column this week, it is time.” I have no idea what that means. Perhaps he’s been recruited for some time traveling episode on another planet or perhaps he let his hair grow too long and it’s time for him to get a haircut… Who knows? -Bob S. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • The Journey To HR, Part 20!
    by Stephen Johnson
    When I woke up, there was no millipede. I also wasn’t hanging upside down. But it felt like something was being jabbed into each armpit. I looked down and saw the HR lady. She had me suspended in the air with two broomstick handles jabbed into those armpits. She walked around the office holding onto the bottom of the broomsticks, making care not to drop me. “Say,” I said. “Say what?” “Oh me, oh my!…
  • Dream #9 or Car 54 Where are You?: Part XIII
    by Bob Senitram
    Prologue: Bob is rescued from that hole by the side of the road by the police. When they heard Bob was mixed up with Ma Baker, they convince him to help bring that criminal to justice! “Well, If you think I can be helpful…I’m in!” I reply. “Great! But first, we gotta show you just what Ma Baker did.” Jim adds. “You mean the Kellog’s plant?” “Of course, you gotta see this for yourself.” Barry…
  • Terminated!
    by Spamrider
    In the words of another fictitional Time Traveller, “Fuck you, asshole!” No, no, no, that’s not it. It’s, “I’ll be back…” Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • I Have an Agent!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Even though I begged and begged, my agent advised me that I should not tell you about any tricks that I can do with my enormous breast since that would stop people from coming to the show and experiencing my boob live. Kind of depressing, but my agent knows best!! I bet you’re asking how and why I now have an agent!! Well, a single (almost!) gal like me needs someone to guide my career…
  • Visits From Schmelnoz
    by Spamrider
    I’ve been getting fairly regular visits from Schmelnoz over the past several weeks, but it gets confusing as hell because I never know if he’s coming from the Past or from the Future. Very often neither one of us will have any idea what the other is talking about. So mostly we just drink. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • The Journey To HR, Part 19!
    by Stephen Johnson
    It felt like it had legs. I could feel those legs tickling my throat so I took a deep breath, and hocked myself a loogie. Most of the phlegm just dripped into my eyes, but I did see something else fly out of my mouth before I was blinded. “Lordy, lord! I am now blind!” I yelled for no particular reason. The door opened and the HR lady peered in. “Trouble?” she asked. “Yes! I’ve…
  • Nice Dreams of Action: Part XII
    by Bob Senitram
    Prologue: After being saved from that ship, Bob gets dumped in a hole by Jerome and Melissa who are convinced that Bob is an evil, alien, AI biological robot. And Bob ain’t happy about it! After Jerome and Melissa left, I just sat down for minute nice and quiet. After that temper tantrum I needed a little rest. I noticed the blanket that covered the hole had fell down with me. I fold it nice…
  • Quote of the Day #3
    by Spamrider
    “I found myself involved in so many doubts and errors, that I was convinced I had advanced no farther in all my attempts at learning, than the discovery at every turn of my own ignorance.” -René Descartes, Discourse on the Method That right there is more than most people ever learn. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • A Slight Setback…
    by Melissa Paternik
    I had a minor setback in my new career!!! All my paperwork was in order for the work release program, when I received word that the travelling freakshow was going to be put on hold for a while because there was a problem with two of the performers. Since this is a high tech travelling freakshow, they had TWO dog people!! What’s even more amazing is that one was male and the other was female!!…
  • Aliens
    by Spamrider
    Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible at first could be described as bemused whenever he found out that us earthlings still refer to beings from other planets and star-systems as “aliens”. But when I told him that we also refer to our own kind from other countries as “aliens” his bemusement turned into shock and disgust. It isn’t often I’ve seen Schmelnoz actually get disgusted at anything.  The guy has pretty much seen it all. Or as he…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 18!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Yep. I died. On the inside. Not enough, though. I felt more poo wanting to come out, but since I was upside down, it was working it’s way towards my mouth. I screamed. Then I screamed again. I didn’t want my poo in my mouth! “Hey! Anybody there? I need some help! I don’t want poo in my mouth!” The HR lady opened the door and looked in. “What’s that you say?” “I got more…
  • Action Packed Nice Dreams: Info Battles: Part XI
    by Bob Senitram
    When we left off, Bob got dumped in a hole by Jerome and Melissa after being rescued from that boat…If you just joined us, start from the beginning with “Action Packed Dreams: Part I”. “Really, I have no idea what you guys are talking about.” I say from the bottom of the big hole by the lake. “Don’t play stupid with me Bob, we know who you really are! I learned it all from the…
  • I AM A FREAK!!!
    by admin
    I am almost officially a freak!!!! I have been granted a work permit that allows me to leave prison in order to travel to nearby towns as part of a freak show. This is something all women dream of, and now it’s my reality!!! My breast has now grown to an astronomical size and I can barely walk, much less stand upright. This is great!! I only wish I still was a dancer because the…
  • The Icing On The Cake
    by Spamrider
    I was just reading a news article where they used the expression “it’s like the icing on the cake”. Which got me to thinking. Who the hell eats cake with no icing??? The expression “the icing on the cake” as far as I know means something extra and unexpected in addition to something else which you already knew you were going to get anyway. It’s like the icing on the cake. Except it isn’t. Because…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 17!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Why do my feet hurt?” I asked. “Because I nailed them to the ceiling!” she replied. “Now maybe your rooty-tooty butt can remember why you’re here!” I tried striking my best JC pose but keeping my arms up like him was a bit tiring, so I let them dangle and experienced the glorious rush of the blood pooling into my brain. Soon my brain and head started to hurt. “Say, have you got a round…
  • Nice Action-Packed Dreams: Part X – BETRAYED!!!
    by Bob Senitram
    This action-packed dream is a dream I had while in a coma a few years back.Ok, it wasn’t quite a coma, but I was in a deep sleep. And it really wasn’t a few years ago, more like a few months ago. Well, a few weeks anyway. So, we walk until we see a guy leaning against a car smoking a cigarette. As we approach, I recognize him. IT’S JEROME! One of my oldest friends!…
  • I Probably Shouldn’t Even Be Telling You This
    by Spamrider
    But since it’s a scientifically proven fact that 99.44% of the time no matter what you say or do you cannot create a time paradox situation whereby you change the Past or the Future which you may or may not have previously inhabited*, here goes… THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS GOING TO BE YOU KNOW WHO! Yeah, that’s right, I said it. And now you can all quit bugging me about it. *This is to…

Lunatic Column Archives

Visit the archives to discover columns by other writers such as P.S. Gifford, Bel Garion, Melissa Paternick, and Brian Petre. This content has absolutely nothing to do with reality, so it doesn’t really matter when they were published.

You like to jot down stuff just for the fun of it? Feel free to submit a column!

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