Guest Writers

Lunatic Columns, Blogs, Nonsense

We’ve been writing our columns since 1999 and still nobody reads them…but they just keep coming!


Lunatic Ravings | Spamrider of the Apocalypse | Chick Shit | Ask Bob | Guest Writers | Column Archives


  • Getting to Know Ralph Again!
    Ralph and I have spent the last week getting to know each other again. It’s been fantastic!!! As soon as we got home, he put me right to work cooking and cleaning. Hey, I’m a woman and that’s what I’m supposed to be doing!! Every so often, he would have me stop working so I could tell him what had happened to me while I was gone, but these moments didn’t last long because he…
  • The Future of Science
    In The Future it will begin to occur to some people that one of the major reasons we have so many problems in the world today is that instead of seeing science as a means of obtaining pure knowledge and enlightenment with which we might better ourselves as a race, we look upon it as something to exploit—as if the sole purpose and benefit of science was to aid us in fulfilling our every desire. That is to say, we…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 2!
    Figured I would hit a nearby store to find something to spray on the back of my pants in case any poop smell was wafting from down there, but discovered some people can be so rude! While walking through the store trying to find some scents, I walked by a little boy shopping with his mom. When I passed he made a wretching sound and screamed, “Mommy. MOMMY! THAT OLD MAN SMELLS LIKE POOP!” She…
  • The Rat Killin…
    Now I told you about the joys of carin’ for chickens. But I never told you about the rat killin’. How we got rid of that old chicken coop and how we got rid of all them rats inside. As I mentioned a few weeks ago, our family came into possession of an old country house and with that house came an old chicken coop with chickens. I don’t know if the prior owner had…
  • The Illiputians
    Speaking of timekeeping, Schmelnoz once told me about this race of giants called the Illiputi who do not keep track of time simply because they do not believe in it. According to the Illiputian way of thinking, every day is actually the same day. The only reason it seems otherwise is that some douchebag keeps going around planting memories in everybody’s heads. Apparently the rest of the Universe pretty much just leaves them alone because…
  • Just In Time for Valentine’s Day…My Love Story!!!
    I have the perfect Valentine’s story for you! And it couldn’t have come at a better time. I was at the lowest point of my life, thinking that things couldn’t get any worse and then I was rescued by my knight in shining armor!!! Last Thursday, I was scrounging in a garbage can looking for some scraps of food to take home when I noticed a man looking through another garbage can further up the…
  • Lunch Time
    According to my alien friend from The Future Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible the only reason that primitive races like humans even believe in and attempt to keep track of something so abstract as Time in the first place is because in our early development conceiving of such a concept became a necessity just so we could all interact together on any sort of predictable basis, thereby forming what has come to be known as “society,” which…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 1!
    When I went to Headquarters so I could speak to our HR Department, is saw a nearby store that sold shelving was hiring so I decided to take the plunge and get a real job for awhile. Plus, I was looking for some shelving for the homestead and figured I could get an employee discount. So I went in, found an employee and told them I was looking for a job. He looked me over,…
  • She’s Having a Baby!!!
    My wife came running out of the bathroom screaming, “We’re having a baby!” “Impossible.” I reply. “What?” She says while wiping the pregnancy stick on her jean leg. “I can’t have babies.” “You mean you’re sterile? That’s impossible, there’s been no one else. There’s never been any reason.” “No, I ain’t sterile. I’m a man! I’m no biologist, but last I heard, a man can’t give birth to no baby. Besides, even if I could,…
  • I am finally rid of Dana!!!
    I was wandering around town trying to find some scraps to eat when I noticed a porn magazine lying in a trash bin. Since I like to read while Dana breast feeds because it takes my mind off the pain of having my body sucked dry, I picked up the magazine thrilled that I would have something to read. As soon as I got home, Dana tackled me and started feeding. I started to read…
  • A Crinkle In Time
    [Note: The following entry was written by Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible, my alien friend from The Future.  -Spamrider] Greetings Earthlings. I am the quasi-sentient life-form known colloquially as “Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible”.  But I conceive that if the Spamrider has properly primed your reality contextual realms the way I have instructed him to then you have ultimately and formerly concocted as much. When I incipiently and initially presented my supposition for this maiden entry into his revelatory…
  • What’s In My Mouth?
    “THEY EAT THEIR OWN POOP WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT! Just like Stephen.” Excuse me? Just discovered a chunk of something in my mouth. Have no idea what it is, went ahead and swallowed it. Haven’t eaten anything yet today, did my weekly brushing of the teeth so it must be remnants of something old. Should still be nutritious. Looking around and trying to figure out what I should watch today. It should be more Tarzan,…
  • Chickens…A Story From My Youth!
    James writes:Hello Bob! I like chickens. What should I do? Dear James:It just so happens, that I know a little bit about chickens. As a teenager my family moved into a one-acre spot of land that had a chicken coop. Funny, but the chickens came with the house. The old coop must have been built in the 40s. It was dark, had rats and fleas and quite frankly I was afraid to go in there.…
  • Sometimes You Have Sell It!!!
    When you have something that is of no use anymore, you sometimes try to sell it in order to make some money. Well, I figured that I had no more use for Dana and since my breasts are becoming very sore from all the feedings, I decided that I could sell my baby, like I did with my seven other children!!! I went down to the bad part of town where you can sell and…
  • The Great Poodle Wars
    So despite all the grisly and gruesome details I have thus far disclosed concerning The Future, it turns out that the most fierce and vicious response I have received thus far has come from a certain dog owner whose name I won’t mention (Larry) who has expressed both shock and dismay at my earlier revelation that in The Future there are in fact no Poodles. It’s really quite simple though. Most of them get killed off…
  • No Robots, But Fubbles!
    Robots? Someone is writing about ROBOTS??!! At least when you come here you know you’ll get full-on reality. Got some Fubbles for the cats, but they really didn’t care much about the bubbles floating in the air. Instead, they waited for them to land on the floor where they burst and then they just sat there wondering where the bubbles went. That’s just weird. I thought I would get hours of fun watching them chase…
  • The Aftermath of Passing Out!
    After passing out for four days courtesy of good ol’ Russian, gasoline moonshine from the 80s, Jerome was kind enough to take me home. We set up my computer back in the basement when I realized we didn’t have a keyboard. So back to Jerome’s we go. Jerome parked and up the stairs to his apartment we go. Who do I see in the hall? None other than Mikey, Bills kid who fixed the website…
  • He Hasn’t Run Away or Died!
    Well, Dana hasn’t run away or died yet, so I am still without a job. I guess it’s okay though since my breasts are seriously deformed from all the breast feeding and, in my line of work, you definitely need breasts in order to make a buck or two. I’ve been spending the days hanging out in the woods trying not to keep an eye on Dana which is very hard to do especially when…
  • Shit Schmelnoz Says
    Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible says the darndest things sometimes. Recently (which remember is now eighteen years ago) we were watching some birds and he said, “When the animals finally go to war against man, the birds will be quite formidable opponents.” Noting my incredulous look he explained, “For one thing, their surveillance powers are beyond question.  And their communications network is obviously second to none.” And as is usually the case I couldn’t really argue with…
  • Elephant Stampede!
    It snowed again this week. I had the woman shovel the driveway since I was busy watching “Tarzan Goes To India”. That is all. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • He’s Back!
    Nice to be back. I woke up after a nasty hangover and I’m in a pile of rags at Jerome’s Place. “You’re telling me, you found me wondering around outside in my pajamas, in a snowstorm and I’ve been sleeping here for four days?” “Yup, that pretty much sums it up.” Jerome replies. “But I don’t want you worrying your pretty little head, I drove to your house, got your computer and brought it here.…
  • It’s Take Your Kid to Work Day!
    Looks like I made a huge mistake bringing my baby to work. I think there also might be something seriously wrong with it since it’s now over 5 feet tall and it’s less than a month old. Instead of calling it “it” all the time, I now call my baby “Dana” since I still don’t know what sex it is and Dana is one of those names that can be used for a girl or…
  • Weekend With Schmelnoz
    So now that it’s all over I can finally tell you now the real reason I was in Texas. My best friend from The Future, Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible, arrived on earth approximately eighteen years ago, which was three weeks ago according to my own personal subjective experience of Time. Actually it feels more like three months. Anyway, we decided rural Texas in The Past would be the perfect place for him to fit in because nothing…
  • He Doesn’t Step In For Me…….
    So, it snowed here. Figured I might as well make myself useful and shovel a path on the driveway and the sidewalk leading to the front door since I’m expecting a package or two from Amazon. But, I couldn’t find my snow shovelin’ gloves! Asked the woman where they were and she asked if she was the keeper of my gloves which is kind of what I expected so have no clue now why I…
  • Jerome Steps In…
    Dear friends TheWeirdcrap.com and the Ask Bob column. This Jerome, Bob’s very bestest friend! Bob ain’t writing this week’s column for two reasons. One, he done crashed the site this last Tuesday night. And then there’s reason number two: on account he had some sort of “episode”. I don’t exactly know what the doctors would call it, but he ain’t right. Wednesday morning, I look out the window in my underwear drinkin’ my coffe and…
  • Quote of the Day
    “The world is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel.” -Horace Walpole  I guess that makes my life a tragic comedy. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • My Big Baby!!!
    Well, my baby has grown to almost 4 feet tall!!! It’s amazing how much it’s grown in only two short weeks!! I don’t know if it’s because of the breast feeding or the fact that we live in the woods, but something strange and marvelous is happening here. The only problem is I still don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl since the sexual organs have still not appeared. I’m debating whether or…
  • Texas Toast
    In Texas every meal you eat comes with Texas Toast. I’m not that big of a fan of Texas Toast actually. No offense to Texas. Actually, I wonder if Texas Toast was even invented in Texas. Some guy in New Jersey probably sliced some bread extra thick one day (this was before they invented sliced bread you see), and his bitchy wife comes along and says, “What the hell do you think you’re doing NOW?” And…
  • Resolutions And Other Stuff
    Well, here I am again. Took a couple weeks off, hung with Bob at Walmart even though the friction between us is at a boiling point. You know, because of that pube movie thing. But he just doesn’t remember it. It’s all because of that stinking Acapulco Gold crap he constantly smokes. He knows there’s friction, just doesn’t know why. So, he goes on with life thinking it will just go away as he smokes…
  • Someone Left The Cake Out In The Rain…
    “I’m tellin’ you, ‘Someone Left the Cake out in the Rain’ is a sick song!” The guy was a freakin’ sick-o! A regular Epstein if you ask me!” What you’re talking about? It’s frackin’ love song for God’s sake.” I reply to Stephen who’s agreed to go with me to the Wallmarket. “A creepy love song at best. You ever paid attention the lyrics?” Stephen continues. “Not really, I just thought it was a song…
  • Big Lake
    As I write this I am currently sitting in a hotel room in Big Lake, Texas. Never mind what year it is. The name of the hotel is “The Derrick Inn”. I call it “The Derelict Inn”. It isn’t a bad hotel, really. It just has the misfortune of being located in a town that is totally out in the middle of nowhere. Big Lake may have a big lake, but despite being located in…
  • My Well Behaved Baby!!!
    Yes, it’s true, I gave birth last week!! On Christmas day I gave birth to a beautiful 33 lb 7 oz baby boy. The actual birth wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be because of the three gentleman who helped me out. Without them, my baby would have come out sideways which would have hurt a lot!! I can remember the feeling of having three pairs of hands rooting around inside me. This…
  • The Perils of Time Travel
    (This Spamrider of the Apocalypse entry arrived in my refrigerator underneath the pickles dated July 17, 2047. -Bob) Having now had some more opportunity to read through this website I can see now that me sending these messages back from The Future has already gotten this blog all out of whack and that some things just aren’t ever going to make any sense to the people reading it then until Time finally catches up. As if any…
  • Bob’s Annual Predictions for 2024!
    What an exciting list of annual predictions for 2024! So, let’s get started: Tech News!Google will launch a new advertising campaign that will present ads for products you’re thinking about, but never searched! Google A.I. will analyze each person’s thought patterns and anticipate what they are going to think about and pop-up ads.Men will be bombarded with sex and porn ads since we think about sex every 10 seconds.Women will also be bombarded by sex…
  • Howdy From Texas!
    Howdy from Texas everybody! Wow…everything really IS bigger in Texas! Even my wiener!!!!!!! Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!?
    From the editors of theweirdcrap.com: On this past Christmas Day, three hunters came across a young lady lying in the weeds next to a cardboard/wooden pallet contraption that beared a slight resemblance to living quarters. The young lady was screaming as a large object was slithering out from between her legs. The hunters were confused on what to do but figured that there was a birthing going on so they decided to help. The pulled…
  • Yes, Virginia
    A little kid came up to me today and asked me why Santa Claus always brings the rich kids nicer presents at Christmas than the poor kids. I just told her the truth that it’s because Santa Claus is a Republican. In The Future the Christmas shopping season begins the day after New Year’s. The reason for this is because over the years and the decades it just kept getting pushed further and further backwards…
  • Streamline Christmass and Save Money!
    Here it is, Dec 22nd already and if you’re sitting there reading this with no cards sent and no gifts purchased, don’t worry! I have just the thing. I was thinking about ways to streamline Christmas and save money and I came up with a solution that can save you time and money during these hard economic times. And if you’ve done none of the Christmas stuff yet, it’s still not to late to implement…
  • Optimists And Pessimists
    There are some people who always automatically choose to see the glass as half full. And there are some people who always automatically choose to see the glass as half empty. Personally, I’ve always figured it depends on whether you’re busy filling it up or drinking out of it. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • A Christmas Miracle!!!
    I was very depressed the last few days. I couldn’t help but wonder why some of the girls I work with get such nice stuff like virtually rust free Festiva’s and double-wide trailer’s with almost all the windows intact. But what about me? I’m a nice person. I was good to Ralph and look what he did to me!! I walked by our old trailer and saw him through the window with two naked women!!…
  • Merry Fucking Feelgood Season!
    Or whatever you personally may call it. Sometimes I hear people say that all the problems in this world stem from overpopulation. But I take issue with this. The problem in and of itself isn’t so much the size of the population. The problem is more the quality of the population. If we all just looked out for each other things could be a lot different. But we don’t.  We all look out for ourselves.…
  • Just In Time For The Holidays…….ANGER!
    So angry right now! It’s not that my plan to fill all of Bob’s underpants with talcum powder so that when he’s in court and farts a bit of the white powder shoots out and then everyone will point and laugh at the gassy guy is not a great plan and probably something that I’ve already done without him knowing, but it’s something else that’s made me quite furious. It’s Acast again! Whenever I’m in…
  • It’s the most Christmass-y Time of the Year!
    Merry Christmas, it’s the most Christmas-y time of the year! And for folks who don’t celebrate Christmas, Happy Holidays! You don’t have to be Chirstian to celebrate Christmas. It was just a silly thing made up by someone a long time ago to wipe away those winter blues. He just happened to be Christian, so he made it linked to the Jesus. The Santa we all know was made up by the Coca-Cola company. Before,…
  • Baby Pictures?
    I got my baby pictures back and they’re not what I expected. The guy that took the pictures told me that they take a long time to develop so he drew me a picture of what he can see from the film. I was expecting my baby to have maybe two heads or at least 4 arms, but the picture is of a normal baby. I don’t know what to do now. I thought I…
  • Becoming a Time Traveller
    A lot of people have been writing in asking me about how it was that I ever decided to become a time traveller in the first place. Actually nobody has ever written in or asked me about anything but I just thought I’d start out by saying something stupid like that since Bob seems to do it all the time. The truth is that nobody ever “decides” to become a time traveller. Well, now that…
  • There’s A Problem, Of Course There Is!
    Oh, boy! Sometimes things don’t go exactly as planned. Wires must have been crossed since it’s not Russel Crowe that’s interested in playing the pube, but some guy with the name of Ruzzle Cro. Seems he’s a wannabe gangsta rappa that comes from a small town in Connecticut. That’s not going to work. In order for the pube to have credibility, it has to be someone with a New Zealand and/or Australian accent. Told this…
  • Bob’s Top Ten, Pretty-Sure to Work, Pick-up Lines
    This week I present pick-up lines thanks to Jason who asks: “Hey Bob, how do I meet women?” Dear Jason: I really don’t know because I’ve been married for 25 years, so I asked the kid. “It’s all online, people don’t go out in public since covid.” My daughter replied. “They use apps to hook up.” “So, it’s swipe this, and swipe that, and maybe you get to talk to someone?” I ask. “Basically.” She…
  • I Never Will Understand Some People!
    So I’m visiting this guy the other day, and he says to me, “Me casa es su casa!” “Awesome!” I said, “I’ll bet I can get $250 grand for this place!” This seemed to annoy him, so I added, “What? I’ll split it with you…” Now I’m not allowed in my casa ever again. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • Baby Pictures…From inside my belly!!!
    I went out and had some pictures taken of the baby in my belly!! I got a great deal from a customer from the bar. When I told him that I was going to a doctor to have him take pictures of my baby, he asked me why I wanted to spend lots of money for a doctor to take the pictures when he would be able to do it for free!! He gave me…
  • The Future’s So Bright…
    (This Spamrider of the Apocalypse entry arrived in my clothes hamper dated May 31, 2047.  -Bob) …That it actually burns you alive if you step out of your cave. I am actually writing this post to you from The Future. And let me tell you, it ain’t pretty kids. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
  • This Is What Happens (Don’t Tell Bob!)
    Some of you just might be thinking…… “Well, Bob’s smart, right? If he represents himself in court, he’ll most surely win because he’s…..smart?” I could see why some of you might think that. He’s short and shorter people are generally smarter than taller ones. That’s a well known scientific fact. Look it up. Just remember that there’s street smart and book smart. Bob is neither. Sure, he’s smart but in that “Gosh, he wakes up…
  • The Joys of Parenting
    I’ve been writing about my dim witted, drunken antics for about 20 years now. Although, I still drink, I no longer get falling down drunk like in my younger days. The binge drinking gave way to the joys of parenting. Stuff, like keeping a job by not going to work with a hangover every day, maintaining a house, and takin’ care of the lil’ ones. So, I figured I got into so many drunken messes,…
  • Secret Identities
    [Writer’s Note: Since my original column this week seems to have gotten pre-empted by another one which I had written earlier (well…actually…later) suddenly arriving from The Future, I am going to go ahead and post two of these this week even though I really only ever planned on doing that whenever the first entry was so short that Bob was afraid his website’s readers would riot if we didn’t give them just a little more…
  • My Thanksgiving Present!
    I got a present at work on Thanksgiving!! It was a fairly slow day at the bar, what with everyone celebrating the holiday with their families, but since I am so dedicated the owner gave me a old wooden skateboard so I wouldn’t have to walk to work any more. How sweet!! Don’t worry, I did celebrate Thanksgiving when I got off work. With my tips, I went to Burger King and bought a cheeseburger…
  • Farewell To The Future
    (This Spamrider of the Apocalypse entry recently mysteriously arrived in my toilet dated August 8, 2047. -Bob) I’ve decided to return to The Past (formerly and soon again to be The Present) at the next available opportunity.  I must admit that I previously thought living during the aftermath of a Donald Trump presidency was bad.  That is until I saw what the aftermath of the aftermath was like. And of course it will also be good to beat…
  • My First Day At My NEW JOB!!!
    I failed to tell you about my new job last week. So, here’s what went down after I got hired! Like I said before, I didn’t want no jive job. I tried to trash the interview with the man, but I got hired anyhow. Come Monday morning, I didn’t want to go. The ‘ol lady was expecting me of the house and to the new job come Monday morning, so out the door I went.…
  • My New Bundle of Alien Joy!!!
    There must be some sort of bug going around because I found out that I’m pregnant too!!! When I went to a doctor last week, he ran a few tests and told me to come back the next day. When I did he told me had some good news and bad news for me. I thought that I had herpes or crabs or something like that, but he told me that I was pregnant. Then…
  • Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible
    “Everything that is incomprehensible does not cease to exist.” -Blaise Pascal, Pensées My friend Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible is so cool that I thought I’d just dedicate an entire entry to him. Schmelnoz comes from a planet somewhere in the Near Future, which is sort of like the Bronx of The Future, and which, quite astonishingly, does not even exist as of yet at the present date.  (They evolve VERY quickly on Schmelnoz’s world). Schmelnoz told…
  • I Hit Back!
    Shhhhhh…….don’t tell Bob. Seems like there’s a lot of interest in the pubic hair story. Word going around is Russell Crowe is very interested in playing the pube. Should be compelling! Now I just have to put pen to paper to flesh out the story a bit more. Maybe get a writing partner which would enable use to toss ideas at each other and find some that stick. So, why not write it with Bob?…
  • The New Job – Part None
    I’m excited to tell you about my first day on the new job, but sadly, I can’t. Instead, I’m going to comment on my fellow columnists. First, Spamrider mentioned that he wants to get paid for his columns. Well, that just doesn’t make any sense to me. He said he visited the future, and in that future, he found that he had been writing columns on our site for years. So why would he want…

Lunatic Column Archives


Visit the archives to discover columns by other writers such as P.S. Gifford, Bel Garion, Melissa Paternick, and Brian Petre. This content has absolutely nothing to do with reality, so it doesn’t really matter when they were published.


You like to jot down stuff just for the fun of it? Feel free to submit a column!