Choosing a Religion

For some unknown reason, I got a flood of “Ask Bob” questions the week before Christmas. All I can figure is, since folks acknowledge me as the “New Messiah for the new age” they want my advice.

We’ll after reviewing historical documents, I found out that I am not actually the New Messiah, but more like the “King of Crack-Whore Village.” I guess that’s good enough.

Since I am no longer the leader of my own religion, my wife and I, were left with the task of deciding what religion our baby girl would have (now 2 1/2 yrs old). We decided that we would set her before three toys, a dradle, a top, and a live hand granade.

If she pulls the pen on the grenade, swallows it, and runs into a crowded cafe, we will raise her as a Muslim. If she grabs the dradle, takes control of the cafe, doubles the prices and pulls a profit within the first week, we will raise her as Jewish. If she takes the top, goes into the cafe and forces the inhabitants to elect her leader at gunpoint, we will raise her as a Christian.

On to viewer mail!

The Morrill County Sheriff writes:

Bob, please send me the article about the man who farted himself to death. Need ASAP Thanks

Mr. Sheriff man:
Go here: http://www.theweirdcrap.com/commentaries/askbob2002/1018.html

Leigh Anne writes:
Song in my head:
“We pay our debts on time.
We pay our depts on time…”
– Nirvana –

Okay, what is the title of that particular Nervana song? I have searched numerous Nirvana websites, read through ALL posted lyrics (Cobain was on sick guy) emailed DJ’s who have probably given me the answer when I wasn’t listening and googled and yahoo’d the web for days. I’ve hesitated to email because of the date of your transcript, but now know that your website is contemporary. This is driving me crazy, not to mention a huge time killer and I anxiously await your answer.

Many thanks. lat

Dear Lat:
Your gonna hate me for this, but when I wrote that article a couple of years ago, I was drunk. Dead stupid, I don’t know what I’m saying, drunk. This is often the case when I write the “Ask Bob” column. It makes it more interesting that way.

In short, Nirvana did not perform that song. As mentioned above, it was done by “Alice In Chains.” It sounds like old Nirvana, but its not. In my usual drunken stupor, I posted incorrect information. The saddest part of this story is, another reader emailed me last year with the correction, but I never got around to fixing it, and had to spend several hours digging through my music collection to find the answer to your question. I screwed up, which is further proof that I am not the Messiah.

Mike writes:
Hi,
I wanted to let you know about Avery Ant & His One Minute Rant. Avery’s a PO’d pismire and stop motion animated ranting ant who spouts on everything from a lobotomized Curious George to the sexual desires of the Radical Right Wing.

His rants can be seen at:
http://www.averyant.com/rants.html

His most recent story about a lager lout having sex with the Queen of England can be read at:
http://www.averyant.com/AverysSavoryJournal.html

thank you,

Dear Mike:
I have visited your site and have ordained you and the ant as “WEIRD”. GO AND BE NORMAL NO LONGER!

AND NOW YOU KNOW!

COMING NEXT: What is it about women!