A taste of heaven!

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This email comes from Khitte@______,
Now what’ch ya gonna do?

Dear Khitte,

Your email really hit home. I sat in front of the computer and read it with wide eyes. Never have a few words hit me so hard.

Then I printed it and read it on the couch, studying each word.

Then I went down to the basement where I could sit and read alone.

Then I wept, I wept like a baby.

You are right, I have lead a sorrowful life and I know now, what I must do.

I must change.

but I didn’t know where to start, so I figured I’d send a message in a bottle to all the religions in the world and the one true religion woud reach out to me…that would be Gods personal billboard to me.

The next day I decided to hit the media with my request in print and electronic media. I put a message on facebook and made a condensed version to print in the local paper’s personal ads. I hope my message will be returned with the promise of peace, heaven and everlasting life. I wasn’t sure what to put in the ad so I started with a list. Then I highlighted the key words in my list to help me focus:


1. I want to be happy and peaceful in heaven, in other words, a good time.

2. I love fresh milk. My uncle had a raunch where we got fresh milk, he said homoginized or “homo” milk was no good. I still like “hetero” milk over “homo” milk! I liked the raunch and there should be one in heaven so I could continue to be raunchy.

3. I was always excited to milk the cow. I would like cow milkin’ in heaven.

4. I used to work in telemarketing and folks hung up on me a lot.
They just slammed the phone right down and it hurt my ear and made me sad. Now when telmarketers call me, I don’t slam the phone down…I gently put the reciever on the hook to hang up. You can say I hang up well. So in heaven, I want others to do the same and hang up phones nicely.

5. I remember the happy feeling I had on my first date. No only was I excited about the date, but I had just got my drivers license and I was experienceing DOUBLE EXCITEMENT. After the movie and quick visit at the soda shoppe, she held my hand and I drove her home. It was just a wonderful feeling and I everyone should experience that in heaven.

So there it is…my bucket list for heaven!

Next, I condensed my needs in an economical ad for the paper. Soon, a religious representative from the one true God will give me a call! I can’t wait!

Here’s my ad:

Wanted: a taste of Heaven!
Raunchy hetero guy looking for a piece of heaven. Will expect a good time and excitement while milking it! Well hung and does not appreciate the hard slam. I expect to be driven home like it was the first time!
Call today (XXX) XXX-XXXX

Well you can guess my excitement when I got my first call. It was a lady church member too! I’m supposed to meet her this weekend at 19th and Cumming Street, in Tallahassee. It must be a new church that really needs donations, ’cause she told me to bring fifty bucks.

I figure, hey for eternal salvation…it’s worth it!

And now you know!

COMING NEXT: An unexpected rash!

Bob Senitram

Webmaster and editor of TheWeirdcrap.com. I obtained a bachelor's degree in micro-biology around the turn of the century but was quickly tracked down and forced to return it to its rightful owner and pay a $25 fine. *** A fan of science fiction, I started this website in 1999 as a portal for science fiction stories that have never been published. *** Completely devoid of talent, I decided to call on the public to supply content. Shortly afterwards Stephen and I started writing weekly columns and have continued to this day.


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