Your email really hit home. I sat in front of the computer and read it with wide eyes. Never have a few words hit me so hard.
Then I printed it and read it on the couch, studying each word.
Then I went down to the basement where I could sit and read alone.
Then I wept, I wept like a baby.
You are right, I have lead a sorrowful life and I know now, what I must do.
I must change.
but I didn’t know where to start, so I figured I’d send a message in a bottle to all the religions in the world and the one true religion woud reach out to me…that would be Gods personal billboard to me.
The next day I decided to hit the media with my request in print and electronic media. I put a message on facebook and made a condensed version to print in the local paper’s personal ads. I hope my message will be returned with the promise of peace, heaven and everlasting life. I wasn’t sure what to put in the ad so I started with a list. Then I highlighted the key words in my list to help me focus:
BOB’S LIST OF THINGS I WANT FROM HEAVEN
1. I want to be happy and peaceful in heaven, in other words, a good time.
2. I love fresh milk. My uncle had a raunch where we got fresh milk, he said homoginized or “homo” milk was no good. I still like “hetero” milk over “homo” milk! I liked the raunch and there should be one in heaven so I could continue to be raunchy.
3. I was always excited to milk the cow. I would like cow milkin’ in heaven.
4. I used to work in telemarketing and folks hung up on me a lot.
They just slammed the phone right down and it hurt my ear and made me sad. Now when telmarketers call me, I don’t slam the phone down…I gently put the reciever on the hook to hang up. You can say I hang up well. So in heaven, I want others to do the same and hang up phones nicely.
5. I remember the happy feeling I had on my first date. No only was I excited about the date, but I had just got my drivers license and I was experienceing DOUBLE EXCITEMENT. After the movie and quick visit at the soda shoppe, she held my hand and I drove her home. It was just a wonderful feeling and I everyone should experience that in heaven.
So there it is…my bucket list for heaven!
Next, I condensed my needs in an economical ad for the paper. Soon, a religious representative from the one true God will give me a call! I can’t wait!
Here’s my ad:
Wanted: a taste of Heaven!
Raunchy hetero guy looking for a piece of heaven. Will expect a good time and excitement while milking it! Well hung and does not appreciate the hard slam. I expect to be driven home like it was the first time!
Call today (XXX) XXX-XXXX
Well you can guess my excitement when I got my first call. It was a lady church member too! I’m supposed to meet her this weekend at 19th and Cumming Street, in Tallahassee. It must be a new church that really needs donations, ’cause she told me to bring fifty bucks.
I figure, hey for eternal salvation…it’s worth it!
And now you know!
COMING NEXT: An unexpected rash!