Ask Bob Senitram

By Bob Senitram

Bob Senitram has been infecting the world with nonsense since Al Gore invented the inter-web.

Lunatic Columns | Lunatic Ravings | Spamrider of the Apocalypse | Chick Shit | Guest Writers | Column Archives

  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone: PART V
    by Bob Senitram
    If you missed the last four installments of the Forbidden Time Zone, let me catch you up: Bob found himself trapped in a strange in-between realm after death, not the purgatory we all imagined, but something far worse—a technological purgatory. In this nightmare, the dead had their consciousness stored as data, and then the simulation would start, allowing them to be born again. Bob, however, had paid for the ultimate package: unlimited reincarnations, allowing him…
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone: PART IV
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week, in the so called “Forbidden Time Zone” Bob had begun to piece together a vague understanding of the void—or whatever it was that surrounded him now. And he’d learned that his “Unlimited Package” was rare, possibly the best offer available. But that didn’t make him feel any better. “Is anyone going to tell me what that was?” His voice was shaky, something in the air unsettling him. “What?” The man’s tone was almost…
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone: PART III
    by Bob Senitram
    In last week’s adventure, Bob found out that he’s definitely deceased. And now he wants answers. “So this is my afterlife, a lot more technical than I expected.” I said, my voice a strange, hollow echo in the darkness. “No, this isn’t an afterlife, but for you, perhaps. I never thought of it like that.” the man’s voice replied with an almost dismissive chuckle. “So, where am I? I mean there must be some part…
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone: PART II
    by Bob Senitram
    In last week’s episode, Bob woke in the “Forbidden Time Zone” a void and began conversing with voices in his head. “Don’t tell him that!” the woman scolded. “Look, we’ll do a full wipe this time. A full 24 hours—he won’t remember a thing,” the man’s voice replied, calm but mechanical. “Just like last time. Remember that car accident? Strange case, that one. You and everyone else have free will inside, but we didn’t expect…
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone
    by Bob Senitram
    “I was told the following should never be exposed. The forbidden time zone is not to be trifled with. Or, at least, that’s what they said. But here I am. Writing it down, so I guess I’ll take my chances. When I woke up, it wasn’t like any normal waking. It was as if my mind was suddenly thrust into a void. No sensations, no sight, nothing. Just my consciousness, floating in blackness. It felt…
  • Captain’s Log: Saving Money, Star Date… Now!
    by Bob Senitram
    Note from the Editor: Due to an unexpected disruption in the time and space continuum (thanks Spamrider), the original column somehow was altered. Originally this was not in the voice of Captain Kirk, but we liked this version better, so we kept it. However, some language of the introduction coincided with a completely different time line, so that part has been changed to match the current existing time line. Kevin writes: Everything is so expensive…
  • Schlitzing Odd MAGA: Embracing Lost Tradition…
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week, I took you down a rabbit hole regarding the economics of politics. But what if you’re an ordinary Joe, and you ain’t had time or money to invest? In that case, you gotta look at the big picture to make a good decision. Now, this column ain’t for MAGA folks. They have no need for thinking, they only know what Trump tells them. That’s all they know. This is for Republicans and Democrats…
  • A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That: Interplay Between Politics and Economics
    by Bob Senitram
    I initially planned to start this column with an engaging introduction about a new story that came to me while cleaning the carpet. However, I realized this column is meant to share my thoughts on “this and that”. Turns out, that’s something that I almost never do! Only thing is, I’m shallow minded. I don’t care about “this”, and I really don’t care about “that”. Interestingly, I inherited this column over twenty years ago from…
  • A Senitram Exclusive: A Painful look at Parenting
    by Bob Senitram
    This column takes me back to the painful years of raising kids. I figured it would relatable to all you new parents going thru the pain of daycare expenses, availability, and some other third thing that I can’t think of. Back in the day, as now, it was hard to get your kid in daycare. And it’s expensive. And when we were in the process of getting everything ready to make the transition from daycare…
  • Why I love the Genius of Trump!
    by Bob Senitram
    Ah, dear reader, I found myself in quite the peculiar state whilst indulging in a speech delivered by none other than Donald J. Trump at one of his raucous rallies. You see, there’s an undeniable charm in the sheer absurdity of his words, a veritable delight for those with a penchant for humor. Regardless of one’s political leanings, one must concede that he has a gift for the ridiculous. Now, my wife has taken to…
  • North of the Border!
    by Bob Senitram
    For this edition, we renamed the column, “North of the Border”. It was one of the columns submitted to replace Melissa Paterick’s “Chick Shit” column. It didn’t quite fit in, and he actually wrote an Ask Bob column, so what the heck. We’re putting it here. Ask Bob will return next Friday (10/04/2024). Until then, please enjoy the ramblings from a man who lives… North of The BorderBy “Dangerous Dave” Well, since Melissa is gone…
  • Bob meets His Match! (Viewer Email Part 3)
    by Bob Senitram
    In the “Viewer Mail Part 1” column, I explained that when I saw the show where the gospel man gave his testimonial about how he come to find the Jesus, I would follow suit. So, I did, in “Viewer Mail Part 2“. Now, we’re back to the contest to see who would get the sacred Saturday slot for our columns. I came up with the idea, that we would drink a beer every time a…
  • How I found the Jesus! (Viewer Email Part 2)
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week, In the “Viewer Mail” column, Stephen and I decided on a contest to see who would get the sacred Saturday slot for our columns. I came up with this idea. We would a cable religion channel and wait for a faith healer to come on. Then drink a beer each time a faith healer, healed someone. Last man standing wins! We got started, but then the faith guy told how he found the…
  • Viewer Mail!!!
    by Bob Senitram
    It’s a lot of work to find actual viewer mail, because I get 100 emails a week by folks offering to increase our SEO rankings on google. I don’t even know what SEO is? Anyway, go here to Ask Bob a question! I’ll find your question hidden in my ever-growing inbox. Are you “viewers” or visitors? I mean, you have to view the screen to read our stuff…right? Stan writes: “Hey Bob, a couple of…
  • Nice Dreams – RESCUE!: Part – oh, forget it!
    by Bob Senitram
    Well, last week, in an attempt to rescue Bob, Jerome went and got on the boat that was havin’ a gun fight with police, and now he’s a hostage. Things are lookin’ pretty grim for ol’ Bob and Jerome right about now… But don’t worry, he’s got an “angle”. Ezra is holding onto Bob by the arm and then he grabs a hold of Jerome. Jerome dares not to try to escape, ’cause one of…
  • Nice Dreams…HOSTAGE!: Part XVIII
    by Bob Senitram
    Continuing with Part XVIII: Ezra got Bob as a hostage and now and now they’re marching onto the deck where all the action is…yadda, yadda, yadda… Is this really part XVIII? I kinda lost track! PART XVIII Ezra leads Bob to the deck where gunfire ensues between the cohorts of Ma Baker and the police. “I don’t know if this is a good idea.” Bob says to Ezra. “This is just what we need to…
  • Nice Dreams that are not so nice: Part XVII
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week, in a low blood sugar craze, Bob walks to the boat with Ma Baker and her cohorts, while they engage in a fierce gun battle with police. Crazy for food, he finds the kitchen and makes himself a nice sandwich, with ham, turkey, and bacon. The battle rages on while he picks up a bottle of wine, but the bottle get shattered by gunfire while still in his hand. Meanwhile, Jerome and Melissa…
  • Dreams: Part XVI or Meanwhile back at the Ranch…
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week Jerome found out he was duped, and Bob ain’t an alien at all. He’s just a very, very, very-stupid man, who’s doing the best that he can. Meanwhile, back at the lake… Jerome and Melissa return to the scene of the crime. The hole in the ground where they left Bob. Jerome is looking down the empty hole in disbelief, “Oh jeez, oh jeez, oh jeez…he ain’t here!” He says while pacing around…
  • Action Dreams – Melissa and Jerome: Part XV!
    by Bob Senitram
    Bob and the cops just arrive at the dock where we can see the boat approaching. The area is lined with police cars all facing sideways so when the boat arrives, they can use the cars as a shield. “I don’t know, this looks like it’s gonna get ugly.” Bob says from the back of the police car. “How about we make another detour and get a little somethin’ for breakfast, I’m starving.” “Don’t weasel…
  • Nice Dreams: Part XIV
    by Bob Senitram
    Bob just witnessed the horrific scene at the Kellog’s plan, which fits in real nice with the story… After that little scene from last week, Bob stands up and brushes the dirt off his clothes. “Dude, it’s just a manufacturing plant. You should take a chill pill.” Jim points out. “Yeah, you need to relax. Try a little tenderness, now and then.” “Sorry guys, I know I over-reacted at the end of the last column.…
  • Dream #9 or Car 54 Where are You?: Part XIII
    by Bob Senitram
    Prologue: Bob is rescued from that hole by the side of the road by the police. When they heard Bob was mixed up with Ma Baker, they convince him to help bring that criminal to justice! “Well, If you think I can be helpful…I’m in!” I reply. “Great! But first, we gotta show you just what Ma Baker did.” Jim adds. “You mean the Kellog’s plant?” “Of course, you gotta see this for yourself.” Barry…
  • Nice Dreams of Action: Part XII
    by Bob Senitram
    Prologue: After being saved from that ship, Bob gets dumped in a hole by Jerome and Melissa who are convinced that Bob is an evil, alien, AI biological robot. And Bob ain’t happy about it! After Jerome and Melissa left, I just sat down for minute nice and quiet. After that temper tantrum I needed a little rest. I noticed the blanket that covered the hole had fell down with me. I fold it nice…
  • Action Packed Nice Dreams: Info Battles: Part XI
    by Bob Senitram
    When we left off, Bob got dumped in a hole by Jerome and Melissa after being rescued from that boat…If you just joined us, start from the beginning with “Action Packed Dreams: Part I”. “Really, I have no idea what you guys are talking about.” I say from the bottom of the big hole by the lake. “Don’t play stupid with me Bob, we know who you really are! I learned it all from the…
  • Nice Action-Packed Dreams: Part X – BETRAYED!!!
    by Bob Senitram
    This action-packed dream is a dream I had while in a coma a few years back.Ok, it wasn’t quite a coma, but I was in a deep sleep. And it really wasn’t a few years ago, more like a few months ago. Well, a few weeks anyway. So, we walk until we see a guy leaning against a car smoking a cigarette. As we approach, I recognize him. IT’S JEROME! One of my oldest friends!…
  • Nice Dreams: Part IX – The Rescue!
    by Bob Senitram
    Before we get to the action-packed rescue, here’s the intro to this tale for those who just joined us. Prologue: Oh, read the other columns that leads up to this already. Starting with Action Packed Dreams Part I (Yeah, I changed the name a few times.) The story so far. I escaped in a life raft with Melissa, and we rowed and rowed until the yacht was just a wee blur in the distance. Now…
  • Nice Dreams: Part VIII – An Unexpected Visit!
    by Bob Senitram
    Prologue: I’m sort of a hostage on a yacht, where my days are numbered. So, I figured, I’d make the best of it…–Start from the beginning– I spent the rest of that day drinking shots of Tequila with the big wigs and snacking on hors-d’euvres (or oh-d’fancies). Then we were treated like kings when the kitchen staff brought out dinner for us to dine in long tables set up outside. This was the life of…
  • Nice Dreams: Part VII – A Twist of Fate!
    by Bob Senitram
    Prologue: In the proceeding columns, I found myself on a luxurious private ocean liner, mistaken for some kind of scientist. Currently, they all think I’m the guy, except Ezra the man who greeted me when I came out of my drug induced coma. He says, they’ll definitely have my head when the Boss finds out I’m not who they think I am. Then, I find that Melissa Paternick on the boat and she tells me…
  • Nice Dreams: Part VI
    by Bob Senitram
    Disclaimer (sort of…) Seems like this last week, it’s been…Bob loves me this, and I had Bob’s baby that! All the writers of TheWeirdcrap.com seem to be obsessed with me. Well, I’m just glad Stephen continues to hate my guts as he always has.Oh, and for the record…I AM NOT A TIME TRAVELER! Well, actually I am. But I can only travel forward in time, just like everybody else. So I guess, if you think…
  • Nice Dreams: Part V!
    by Bob Senitram
    Now before I continue with my Nice Dreams, I must address Melissa’s last column. Melissa and I are definitely NOT in love and she did not give birth to my baby! And second, I never liked that crabby red head in the first place. We just hired her to answer the phones because Stephen insisted. He felt a special bond when he found out that she also dropped out of school in the 6th grade.…
  • Nice Dreams: Part IV
    by Bob Senitram
    If you missed parts 1-3 of “Nice Dreams” here’s the thing. I woke up with messy hair, explored an unknown hallway in my new apartment building in my pj’s. In that hallway, I was invited into a business office (the first floor of the apartment has businesses). I Fell asleep and woke up to a rocking room. Not a rock-around-the-clock rocking, but the room was swaying back and forth rocking. I check outside and all…
  • Nice Dreams Part III!
    by Bob Senitram
    Prologue to the Prologue: I can’t help it…I’m on about the Trump trial! Innocent, guilty…I don’t really care. But what I really get a kick out of, is his lack of self-control regarding his gag order. He has no self-control and he really isn’t capable of distinguishing the nuances of what is or isn’t allowed. Combine that with Trumps childlike urge to do whatever you tell him not to do. Hilariously, priceless. I shouldn’t take…
  • Strange Dreams: Part 2
    by Bob Senitram
    Prologue: This part 2 of an action-packed story about a strange dream I had after binge watching Fubar. And in this dream, I was the star of a Hollywood movie. This really blew my mind. Me, and overfed long haired leaping gnome, should be the star behind a Hollywood movie… But there I was. In this scene, I had just woken up with long, crazy messy hair only to find my brother-in-law at the door.…
  • Action Packed Dreams!!! Part I
    by Bob Senitram
    Before I begin this action-packed saga, here’s this: Prologe Part I:About Donald J Trump’s trials and tribulations:To quote the late great “Barretta”, “Don’t do the crime, if you can’t do the time.” And dats the name of dat tune. Although, I truly appreciate all the antics that come with Donald. It’s just fun to see him slithering in the spotlight again. I truly missed that big ‘ol baby. He’s like watching a old black and…
  • Much about Nothing…
    by Bob Senitram
    This column is pretty much about nothing. Kind of like a Seinfeld episode. If you’ve read more than one Ask Bob column; or heaven forbid, several, you may’ve noticed I don’t really focus on politics, or a particular subject, or fiction for that matter. In fact, the word “focus” should never be used in a description of the Ask Bob column, as I don’t focus on anything. It’s like using the word “unattractive” to describe…
  • Strange Happenings at Crack Whore Village…
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week, I was telling Jerome the story about how his new apartment at crack whore village became vacant…. One morning, Jackie, who lived downstairs from me (Jerome’s new place), had come to my apartment and asked me to check in on Cindy, my other neighbor who lived across from me. This is two hours after I came home from a graveyard shift, so I wasn’t too chipper. Jackie had a key to Cindy’s apartment…
  • CINDY FREAKS OUT!!!
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week I was telling Jerome, my new neighbor about my two previous neighbors Cindy and Jackie. Jackie just showed up a few hours after my graveyard shift and woke me up… “It’s Cindy! She ain’t up yet!” Jackie says in a frenzy. ‘So wake her up.’ I say while wiping sleep from my eyes. ‘She’s always up before me. She gives me a ride to work everyday and is always early. She’s always early!’…
  • I Get a New Neighbor!
    by Bob Senitram
    This story is about me getting a new neighbor. Back around the turn of the century, I gave Jerome a cigarette. It was a nice, sunny, summer day in 1996. I had just come home from work and was on my way to my apartment, when Jerome shows up. This was unusual, I didn’t get a lot of visitors in my neck of the woods. Not that I lived in the woods, it was actually…
  • The Times They Are A Changing!
    by Bob Senitram
    In my everlasting attempt on this planet to find peace and tranquility, I tried studying several religious philosophies over the years, but to no avail. Christianity, Buddhism, Muslim, they just don’t work for me. There’s no peace or tranquility as long as I’m still myself. Basically, the problem is this, I’m a massive a jerk. And I’m self-centered. I just can’t get beyond that. Besides, religions have all these rules for conduct, it’s just too…
  • Finally, The Grand Finale…Part IV!!!
    by Bob Senitram
    Well, when we left off last week, those Duke boys really got themselves in quite a pickle. Seems like that hunting trip at the park left our two friends wounded and heading toward the hospital. Stephen got shot in the arm by Bob, and Bob got shot in the head by Stephen. Bel thought Stephen was dead, But Bob, being the good friend that he is, convinced Bel to let Stephen go along to the…
  • Good Will Hunting: Part III
    by Bob Senitram
    In last week’s column I was reminiscing about the time that me Stephen had big plan to go hunting and shoot them lovely springtime birds and shove them in the freezer for free food. We was up in two trees ready to shoot them birds. As it turned out, me and Stephen decided to shoot the same bird at the same time, and it was right in-between us. As the bullet was heading toward my…
  • A Hunting we will go Part II!
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week, I was explaining my plan to go hunting for springtime birds at our local park. Anyways, we got our guns and was a-heading toward the park. We get to the perfect hunting ground, and I start to get ready. Soon, I had a nice big pile of leaves and branches that I dropped in front of Stephen. “Now we prepare!” “What am I supposed to do with all this…” Stephen asked me. “Camouflage,…
  • A Hunting We Will Go…
    by Bob Senitram
    Here in the Midwest, it was a balmy 60 degrees in my neck of the woods. I sat on the porch, drinkin’ a cold brew and listened to the morning birds as I recalled the days when I saw birds as a source of food. Back in the day when Stephen, Bel, and I were roommates in the crack infested neighborhood, we called home. One particular day, me and Stephen were trying to cure our…
  • The Rat Killin…
    by Bob Senitram
    Now I told you about the joys of carin’ for chickens. But I never told you about the rat killin’. How we got rid of that old chicken coop and how we got rid of all them rats inside. As I mentioned a few weeks ago, our family came into possession of an old country house and with that house came an old chicken coop with chickens. I don’t know if the prior owner had…
  • She’s Having a Baby!!!
    by Bob Senitram
    My wife came running out of the bathroom screaming, “We’re having a baby!” “Impossible.” I reply. “What?” She says while wiping the pregnancy stick on her jean leg. “I can’t have babies.” “You mean you’re sterile? That’s impossible, there’s been no one else. There’s never been any reason.” “No, I ain’t sterile. I’m a man! I’m no biologist, but last I heard, a man can’t give birth to no baby. Besides, even if I could,…
  • Chickens…A Story From My Youth!
    by Bob Senitram
    James writes:Hello Bob! I like chickens. What should I do? Dear James:It just so happens, that I know a little bit about chickens. As a teenager my family moved into a one-acre spot of land that had a chicken coop. Funny, but the chickens came with the house. The old coop must have been built in the 40s. It was dark, had rats and fleas and quite frankly I was afraid to go in there.…
  • The Aftermath of Passing Out!
    by Bob Senitram
    After passing out for four days courtesy of good ol’ Russian, gasoline moonshine from the 80s, Jerome was kind enough to take me home. We set up my computer back in the basement when I realized we didn’t have a keyboard. So back to Jerome’s we go. Jerome parked and up the stairs to his apartment we go. Who do I see in the hall? None other than Mikey, Bills kid who fixed the website…
  • He’s Back!
    by Bob Senitram
    Nice to be back. I woke up after a nasty hangover and I’m in a pile of rags at Jerome’s Place. “You’re telling me, you found me wondering around outside in my pajamas, in a snowstorm and I’ve been sleeping here for four days?” “Yup, that pretty much sums it up.” Jerome replies. “But I don’t want you worrying your pretty little head, I drove to your house, got your computer and brought it here.…
  • Jerome Steps In…
    by Bob Senitram
    Dear friends TheWeirdcrap.com and the Ask Bob column. This Jerome, Bob’s very bestest friend! Bob ain’t writing this week’s column for two reasons. One, he done crashed the site this last Tuesday night. And then there’s reason number two: on account he had some sort of “episode”. I don’t exactly know what the doctors would call it, but he ain’t right. Wednesday morning, I look out the window in my underwear drinkin’ my coffe and…
  • Someone Left The Cake Out In The Rain…
    by Bob Senitram
    “I’m tellin’ you, ‘Someone Left the Cake out in the Rain’ is a sick song!” The guy was a freakin’ sick-o! A regular Epstein if you ask me!” What you’re talking about? It’s frackin’ love song for God’s sake.” I reply to Stephen who’s agreed to go with me to the Wallmarket. “A creepy love song at best. You ever paid attention the lyrics?” Stephen continues. “Not really, I just thought it was a song…
  • Bob’s Annual Predictions for 2024!
    by Bob Senitram
    What an exciting list of annual predictions for 2024! So, let’s get started: Tech News!Google will launch a new advertising campaign that will present ads for products you’re thinking about, but never searched! Google A.I. will analyze each person’s thought patterns and anticipate what they are going to think about and pop-up ads.Men will be bombarded with sex and porn ads since we think about sex every 10 seconds.Women will also be bombarded by sex…
  • Streamline Christmass and Save Money!
    by Bob Senitram
    Here it is, Dec 22nd already and if you’re sitting there reading this with no cards sent and no gifts purchased, don’t worry! I have just the thing. I was thinking about ways to streamline Christmas and save money and I came up with a solution that can save you time and money during these hard economic times. And if you’ve done none of the Christmas stuff yet, it’s still not to late to implement…
  • It’s the most Christmass-y Time of the Year!
    by Bob Senitram
    Merry Christmas, it’s the most Christmas-y time of the year! And for folks who don’t celebrate Christmas, Happy Holidays! You don’t have to be Chirstian to celebrate Christmas. It was just a silly thing made up by someone a long time ago to wipe away those winter blues. He just happened to be Christian, so he made it linked to the Jesus. The Santa we all know was made up by the Coca-Cola company. Before,…
  • Bob’s Top Ten, Pretty-Sure to Work, Pick-up Lines
    by Bob Senitram
    This week I present pick-up lines thanks to Jason who asks: “Hey Bob, how do I meet women?” Dear Jason: I really don’t know because I’ve been married for 25 years, so I asked the kid. “It’s all online, people don’t go out in public since covid.” My daughter replied. “They use apps to hook up.” “So, it’s swipe this, and swipe that, and maybe you get to talk to someone?” I ask. “Basically.” She…

Ask Bob Archives | Lunatic Column Archives