Ask Bob Senitram
By Bob Senitram
Bob Senitram has been infecting the world with nonsense since Al Gore invented the inter-web.
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- Viewer Mail!!!by Bob SenitramIt’s a lot of work to find actual viewer mail, because I get 100 emails a week by folks offering to increase our SEO rankings on google. I don’t even know what SEO is? Anyway, go here to Ask Bob a question! I’ll find your question hidden in my ever-growing inbox. Are you “viewers” or visitors? I mean, you have to view the screen to read our stuff…right? Stan writes: “Hey Bob, a couple of…
- Nice Dreams – RESCUE!: Part – oh, forget it!by Bob SenitramWell, last week, in an attempt to rescue Bob, Jerome went and got on the boat that was havin’ a gun fight with police, and now he’s a hostage. Things are lookin’ pretty grim for ol’ Bob and Jerome right about now… But don’t worry, he’s got an “angle”. Ezra is holding onto Bob by the arm and then he grabs a hold of Jerome. Jerome dares not to try to escape, ’cause one of…
- Nice Dreams…HOSTAGE!: Part XVIIIby Bob SenitramEzra got Bob as a hostage and now and now they’re marching onto the deck where all the action is… Ezra leads Bob to the deck where gunfire ensues between the cohorts of Ma Baker and the police. “I don’t know if this is a good idea.” Bob says to Ezra. “This is just what we need to bring an end to this…” Ezra replies. Meanwhile, back on the shore…. Jerome is enjoying his prime…
- Nice Dreams that are not so nice: Part XVIIby Bob SenitramLast week, in a low blood sugar craze, Bob walks to the boat with Ma Baker and her cohorts, while they engage in a fierce gun battle with police. Crazy for food, he finds the kitchen and makes himself a nice sandwich, with ham, turkey, and bacon. The battle rages on while he picks up a bottle of wine, but the bottle get shattered by gunfire while still in his hand. Meanwhile, Jerome and Melissa…
- Dreams: Part XVI or Meanwhile back at the Ranch…by Bob SenitramLast week Jerome found out he was duped, and Bob ain’t an alien at all. He’s just a very, very, very-stupid man, who’s doing the best that he can. Meanwhile, back at the lake… Jerome and Melissa return to the scene of the crime. The hole in the ground where they left Bob. Jerome is looking down the empty hole in disbelief, “Oh jeez, oh jeez, oh jeez…he ain’t here!” He says while pacing around…
- Action Dreams – Melissa and Jerome: Part XV!by Bob SenitramBob and the cops just arrive at the dock where we can see the boat approaching. The area is lined with police cars all facing sideways so when the boat arrives, they can use the cars as a shield. “I don’t know, this looks like it’s gonna get ugly.” Bob says from the back of the police car. “How about we make another detour and get a little somethin’ for breakfast, I’m starving.” “Don’t weasel…
- Nice Dreams: Part XIVby Bob SenitramBob just witnessed the horrific scene at the Kellog’s plan, which fits in real nice with the story… After that little scene from last week, Bob stands up and brushes the dirt off his clothes. “Dude, it’s just a manufacturing plant. You should take a chill pill.” Jim points out. “Yeah, you need to relax. Try a little tenderness, now and then.” “Sorry guys, I know I over-reacted at the end of the last column.…
- Dream #9 or Car 54 Where are You?: Part XIIIby Bob SenitramPrologue: Bob is rescued from that hole by the side of the road by the police. When they heard Bob was mixed up with Ma Baker, they convince him to help bring that criminal to justice! “Well, If you think I can be helpful…I’m in!” I reply. “Great! But first, we gotta show you just what Ma Baker did.” Jim adds. “You mean the Kellog’s plant?” “Of course, you gotta see this for yourself.” Barry…
- Nice Dreams of Action: Part XIIby Bob SenitramPrologue: After being saved from that ship, Bob gets dumped in a hole by Jerome and Melissa who are convinced that Bob is an evil, alien, AI biological robot. And Bob ain’t happy about it! After Jerome and Melissa left, I just sat down for minute nice and quiet. After that temper tantrum I needed a little rest. I noticed the blanket that covered the hole had fell down with me. I fold it nice…
- Action Packed Nice Dreams: Info Battles: Part XIby Bob SenitramWhen we left off, Bob got dumped in a hole by Jerome and Melissa after being rescued from that boat…If you just joined us, start from the beginning with “Action Packed Dreams: Part I”. “Really, I have no idea what you guys are talking about.” I say from the bottom of the big hole by the lake. “Don’t play stupid with me Bob, we know who you really are! I learned it all from the…
- Nice Action-Packed Dreams: Part X – BETRAYED!!!by Bob SenitramThis action-packed dream is a dream I had while in a coma a few years back.Ok, it wasn’t quite a coma, but I was in a deep sleep. And it really wasn’t a few years ago, more like a few months ago. Well, a few weeks anyway. So, we walk until we see a guy leaning against a car smoking a cigarette. As we approach, I recognize him. IT’S JEROME! One of my oldest friends!…
- Nice Dreams: Part IX – The Rescue!by Bob SenitramBefore we get to the action-packed rescue, here’s the intro to this tale for those who just joined us. Prologue: Oh, read the other columns that leads up to this already. Starting with Action Packed Dreams Part I (Yeah, I changed the name a few times.) The story so far. I escaped in a life raft with Melissa, and we rowed and rowed until the yacht was just a wee blur in the distance. Now…
- Nice Dreams: Part VIII – An Unexpected Visit!by Bob SenitramPrologue: I’m sort of a hostage on a yacht, where my days are numbered. So, I figured, I’d make the best of it…–Start from the beginning– I spent the rest of that day drinking shots of Tequila with the big wigs and snacking on hors-d’euvres (or oh-d’fancies). Then we were treated like kings when the kitchen staff brought out dinner for us to dine in long tables set up outside. This was the life of…
- Nice Dreams: Part VII – A Twist of Fate!by Bob SenitramPrologue: In the proceeding columns, I found myself on a luxurious private ocean liner, mistaken for some kind of scientist. Currently, they all think I’m the guy, except Ezra the man who greeted me when I came out of my drug induced coma. He says, they’ll definitely have my head when the Boss finds out I’m not who they think I am. Then, I find that Melissa Paternick on the boat and she tells me…
- Nice Dreams: Part VIby Bob SenitramDisclaimer (sort of…) Seems like this last week, it’s been…Bob loves me this, and I had Bob’s baby that! All the writers of TheWeirdcrap.com seem to be obsessed with me. Well, I’m just glad Stephen continues to hate my guts as he always has.Oh, and for the record…I AM NOT A TIME TRAVELER! Well, actually I am. But I can only travel forward in time, just like everybody else. So I guess, if you think…
- Nice Dreams: Part V!by Bob SenitramNow before I continue, I must address Melissa’s last column. Melissa and I are definitely NOT in love and she did not give birth to my baby! And second, I never liked that crabby red head in the first place. We just hired her to answer the phones because Stephen insisted. He felt a special bond when he found out that she also dropped out of school in the 6th grade. After months of non-stop…
- Nice Dreams: Part IVby Bob SenitramIf you missed parts 1-3 of “Nice Dreams” here’s the thing. I woke up with messy hair, explored an unknown hallway in my new apartment building in my pj’s. In that hallway, I was invited into a business office (the first floor of the apartment has businesses). I Fell asleep and woke up to a rocking room. Not a rock-around-the-clock rocking, but the room was swaying back and forth rocking. I check outside and all…
- Nice Dreams Part III!by Bob SenitramPrologue to the Prologue: I can’t help it…I’m on about the Trump trial! Innocent, guilty…I don’t really care. But what I really get a kick out of, is his lack of self-control regarding his gag order. He has no self-control and he really isn’t capable of distinguishing the nuances of what is or isn’t allowed. Combine that with Trumps childlike urge to do whatever you tell him not to do. Hilariously, priceless. I shouldn’t take…
- Strange Dreams: Part 2by Bob SenitramPrologue: This part 2 of an action-packed story about a strange dream I had after binge watching Fubar. And in this dream, I was the star of a Hollywood movie. This really blew my mind. Me, and overfed long haired leaping gnome, should be the star behind a Hollywood movie… But there I was. In this scene, I had just woken up with long, crazy messy hair only to find my brother-in-law at the door.…
- Action Packed Dreams!!! Part Iby Bob SenitramBefore I begin this action-packed saga, here’s this: Prologe Part I:About Donald J Trump’s trials and tribulations:To quote the late great “Barretta”, “Don’t do the crime, if you can’t do the time.” And dats the name of dat tune. Although, I truly appreciate all the antics that come with Donald. It’s just fun to see him slithering in the spotlight again. I truly missed that big ‘ol baby. He’s like watching a old black and…
- Much about Nothing…by Bob SenitramIf you’ve read more than one Ask Bob column; or heaven forbid, several, you may’ve noticed I don’t really focus on politics, or a particular subject, or fiction for that matter. In fact, the word “focus” should never be used in a description of the Ask Bob column, as I don’t focus on anything. It’s like using the word “unattractive” to describe Melissa Paternick. I would take issue with that. Although Melissa is unpleasant to…
- Strange Happenings at Crack Whore Village…by Bob SenitramLast week, I was telling Jerome the story about how his new apartment at crack whore village became vacant…. One morning, Jackie, who lived downstairs from me (Jerome’s new place), had come to my apartment and asked me to check in on Cindy, my other neighbor who lived across from me. This is two hours after I came home from a graveyard shift, so I wasn’t too chipper. Jackie had a key to Cindy’s apartment…
- CINDY FREAKS OUT!!!by Bob SenitramLast week I was telling Jerome, my new neighbor about my two previous neighbors Cindy and Jackie. Jackie just showed up a few hours after my graveyard shift and woke me up… “It’s Cindy! She ain’t up yet!” Jackie says in a frenzy. ‘So wake her up.’ I say while wiping sleep from my eyes. ‘She’s always up before me. She gives me a ride to work everyday and is always early. She’s always early!’…
- I Get a New Neighbor!by Bob SenitramBack around the turn of the century, I gave Jerome a cigarette. It was a nice, sunny, summer day in 1996. I had just come home from work and was on my way to my apartment, when Jerome shows up. This was unusual, I didn’t get a lot of visitors in my neck of the woods. Not that I lived in the woods, it was actually a very urban area that was ripe with crime.…
- The Times They Are A Changing!by Bob SenitramIn my everlasting attempt on this planet to find peace and tranquility, I tried studying several religious philosophies over the years, but to no avail. Christianity, Buddhism, Muslim, they just don’t work for me. There’s no peace or tranquility as long as I’m still myself. Basically, the problem is this, I’m a massive a jerk. And I’m self-centered. I just can’t get beyond that. Besides, religions have all these rules for conduct, it’s just too…
- Finally, The Grand Finale…Part IV!!!by Bob SenitramWell, when we left off last week, those Duke boys really got themselves in quite a pickle. Seems like that hunting trip at the park left our two friends wounded and heading toward the hospital. Stephen got shot in the arm by Bob, and Bob got shot in the head by Stephen. Bel thought Stephen was dead, But Bob, being the good friend that he is, convinced Bel to let Stephen go along to the…
- Good Will Hunting: Part IIIby Bob SenitramIn last week’s column I was reminiscing about the time that me Stephen had big plan to go hunting and shoot them lovely springtime birds and shove them in the freezer for free food. We was up in two trees ready to shoot them birds. As it turned out, me and Stephen decided to shoot the same bird at the same time, and it was right in-between us. As the bullet was heading toward my…
- A Hunting we will go Part II!by Bob SenitramLast week, I was explaining my plan to go hunting for springtime birds at our local park. Anyways, we got our guns and was a-heading toward the park. We get to the perfect hunting ground, and I start to get ready. Soon, I had a nice big pile of leaves and branches that I dropped in front of Stephen. “Now we prepare!” “What am I supposed to do with all this…” Stephen asked me. “Camouflage,…
- A Hunting We Will Go…by Bob SenitramHere in the Midwest, it was a balmy 60 degrees in my neck of the woods. I sat on the porch, drinkin’ a cold brew and listened to the morning birds as I recalled the days when I saw birds as a source of food. Back in the day when Stephen, Bel, and I were roommates in the crack infested neighborhood, we called home. One particular day, me and Stephen were trying to cure our…
- The Rat Killin…by Bob SenitramNow I told you about the joys of carin’ for chickens. But I never told you about the rat killin’. How we got rid of that old chicken coop and how we got rid of all them rats inside. As I mentioned a few weeks ago, our family came into possession of an old country house and with that house came an old chicken coop with chickens. I don’t know if the prior owner had…
- She’s Having a Baby!!!by Bob SenitramMy wife came running out of the bathroom screaming, “We’re having a baby!” “Impossible.” I reply. “What?” She says while wiping the pregnancy stick on her jean leg. “I can’t have babies.” “You mean you’re sterile? That’s impossible, there’s been no one else. There’s never been any reason.” “No, I ain’t sterile. I’m a man! I’m no biologist, but last I heard, a man can’t give birth to no baby. Besides, even if I could,…
- Chickens…A Story From My Youth!by Bob SenitramJames writes:Hello Bob! I like chickens. What should I do? Dear James:It just so happens, that I know a little bit about chickens. As a teenager my family moved into a one-acre spot of land that had a chicken coop. Funny, but the chickens came with the house. The old coop must have been built in the 40s. It was dark, had rats and fleas and quite frankly I was afraid to go in there.…
- The Aftermath of Passing Out!by Bob SenitramAfter passing out for four days courtesy of good ol’ Russian, gasoline moonshine from the 80s, Jerome was kind enough to take me home. We set up my computer back in the basement when I realized we didn’t have a keyboard. So back to Jerome’s we go. Jerome parked and up the stairs to his apartment we go. Who do I see in the hall? None other than Mikey, Bills kid who fixed the website…
- He’s Back!by Bob SenitramNice to be back. I woke up after a nasty hangover and I’m in a pile of rags at Jerome’s Place. “You’re telling me, you found me wondering around outside in my pajamas, in a snowstorm and I’ve been sleeping here for four days?” “Yup, that pretty much sums it up.” Jerome replies. “But I don’t want you worrying your pretty little head, I drove to your house, got your computer and brought it here.…
- Jerome Steps In…by Bob SenitramDear friends TheWeirdcrap.com and the Ask Bob column. This Jerome, Bob’s very bestest friend! Bob ain’t writing this week’s column for two reasons. One, he done crashed the site this last Tuesday night. And then there’s reason number two: on account he had some sort of “episode”. I don’t exactly know what the doctors would call it, but he ain’t right. Wednesday morning, I look out the window in my underwear drinkin’ my coffe and…
- Someone Left The Cake Out In The Rain…by Bob Senitram“I’m tellin’ you, ‘Someone Left the Cake out in the Rain’ is a sick song!” The guy was a freakin’ sick-o! A regular Epstein if you ask me!” What you’re talking about? It’s frackin’ love song for God’s sake.” I reply to Stephen who’s agreed to go with me to the Wallmarket. “A creepy love song at best. You ever paid attention the lyrics?” Stephen continues. “Not really, I just thought it was a song…
- Bob’s Annual Predictions for 2024!by Bob SenitramWhat an exciting list of annual predictions for 2024! So, let’s get started: Tech News!Google will launch a new advertising campaign that will present ads for products you’re thinking about, but never searched! Google A.I. will analyze each person’s thought patterns and anticipate what they are going to think about and pop-up ads.Men will be bombarded with sex and porn ads since we think about sex every 10 seconds.Women will also be bombarded by sex…
- Streamline Christmass and Save Money!by Bob SenitramHere it is, Dec 22nd already and if you’re sitting there reading this with no cards sent and no gifts purchased, don’t worry! I have just the thing. I was thinking about ways to streamline Christmas and save money and I came up with a solution that can save you time and money during these hard economic times. And if you’ve done none of the Christmas stuff yet, it’s still not to late to implement…
- It’s the most Christmass-y Time of the Year!by Bob SenitramMerry Christmas, it’s the most Christmas-y time of the year! And for folks who don’t celebrate Christmas, Happy Holidays! You don’t have to be Chirstian to celebrate Christmas. It was just a silly thing made up by someone a long time ago to wipe away those winter blues. He just happened to be Christian, so he made it linked to the Jesus. The Santa we all know was made up by the Coca-Cola company. Before,…
- Bob’s Top Ten, Pretty-Sure to Work, Pick-up Linesby Bob SenitramThis week I present pick-up lines thanks to Jason who asks: “Hey Bob, how do I meet women?” Dear Jason: I really don’t know because I’ve been married for 25 years, so I asked the kid. “It’s all online, people don’t go out in public since covid.” My daughter replied. “They use apps to hook up.” “So, it’s swipe this, and swipe that, and maybe you get to talk to someone?” I ask. “Basically.” She…
- The Joys of Parentingby Bob SenitramI’ve been writing about my dim witted, drunken antics for about 20 years now. Although, I still drink, I no longer get falling down drunk like in my younger days. The binge drinking gave way to the joys of parenting. Stuff, like keeping a job by not going to work with a hangover every day, maintaining a house, and takin’ care of the lil’ ones. So, I figured I got into so many drunken messes,…
- My First Day At My NEW JOB!!!by Bob SenitramI failed to tell you about my new job last week. So, here’s what went down after I got hired! Like I said before, I didn’t want no jive job. I tried to trash the interview with the man, but I got hired anyhow. Come Monday morning, I didn’t want to go. The ‘ol lady was expecting me of the house and to the new job come Monday morning, so out the door I went.…
- The New Job – Part Noneby Bob SenitramI’m excited to tell you about my first day on the new job, but sadly, I can’t. Instead, I’m going to comment on my fellow columnists. First, Spamrider mentioned that he wants to get paid for his columns. Well, that just doesn’t make any sense to me. He said he visited the future, and in that future, he found that he had been writing columns on our site for years. So why would he want…
- Bob Tries Not To Get A Job!by Bob Senitram“So why did you apply to the job at Midwest Doctors Incorporated?” I remembered Bel’s advice and decided to jump right into the Jesus this and Lord that…“Well, I went to one of them employment websites, and I said, “Lord, lead me to an employer where I can rejoice and celebrate life in your holy name. I did a local search and you were the first company that showed up and I knew the Lord…
- Bob Gets A Job!by Bob SenitramFor years, I’ve listening to my wife complain, “We need money for this, and we need money for that…go get a job you bum!” My usual answer is, “Yeah, yeah…in your dreams. We got plenty of monies.” Then she says, “I’m tired of supporting you…you need to get a job! Mom says if you don’t get a job, I should move back home!” This time she sounds serious. So I go online and apply to…
- Job Hunting…by Bob SenitramThis week I decided to go job hunting and… WE INTERRUPT THIS COLUMN TO BRING YOU AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT! GREAT NEWS!!! I get several emails a week asking, “what about this, and what about that…” and every so often, why aren’t there more columns! <WARNING: Shameful endorsements coming> Each week TheWeirdcrap.com audience of 3 get to enjoy columns by Stephen Johnson (Lunatic Ravings), Melissa Paternick (Chick Shit for Chic Chicks), and Bob Senitram (Ask Bob),…
- The horror!by Bob SenitramAnd now, for Halloween, several scarry, horror stories to tell in the Dark! The following is a series of stories submitted years ago to TheWeirdcrap.com. Each was submitted weeks apart from the other. At the time they didn’t make any sense. But when I read them in the order that they were submitted, I realized that they were all connected. I just didn’t get it, but now I do. So here they are, the lost…
- The Horror…by Bob SenitramJust in time for Halloween, I made a life changing discovery! Well, maybe not life changing…maybe a life altering discovery! Well, maybe not life altering…but it was a discovery! In the old days, when a story was submitted (by email back then) I copied it to a file and stored it on my pc and published it later. But, around 2005, we had soooooo many stories submitted each day that the waiting list to have…
- Adventures in Telemarketing Part 78!by Bob SenitramSo how and why did this telemarketing craze get started anyways? The whole telemarketing industry got started as a vehicle to fund the development of the J.S.L.P. (The Jewish Space Laser Program). Back when Ronald Regan was hallucinating about the “Star Wars” program as a USSR deterrent, our Jewish brothers started their own program. It was a 4-step program” 1) Create a fund-raising program 2) Research and Deveopment 3) Consolidate nazi and white supremist groups…
- Adventures in Telemarketing Part III?by Bob SenitramLast week I shared some ways to have fun with telemarketers. These days, you’ll only get questionnaires and scams. But back in the day, folks would call about long-distance carriers, fancy new telephones, and appliance protection for you home. But how did all this get started? Well, maybe you don’t care. Wel, I’ll tell you anyways. First, we have to start at the beginning, so you get an appreciation of the process. Many years ago,…
- Adventures in Telemarketing Part IIby Bob SenitramWho am I kidding, there’s not much adventure in telemarketing. Last week, the excerpt from the ask bob column got removed from Instagram and Threads. We’re also on Twitter or X or whatever they decide to call themselves next week. So in the excerpt, I had the quote, “GOD DAMN IT GRANDPA…LOOK AT THIS BEER!!! It’s all cloudy, I told you to take a drink, not rinse your mouth and spit it back in the…
- Adventures in Telemarketing Part Iby Bob SenitramDan Writes: I got a phone call about a policeman’s ball. Should I buy one? Dear Dan: You can if you want too, but don’t expect much. A long time ago, I got a call to buy a ticket for the “The Policeman’s Circus.” It sounded fun and I would be supporting the police. Most people buy these tickets with good intentions and never go. But I did. I thought it was strange that a…
- Whole Lotta Poops Goin On…by Bob SenitramSandy writes:Hi Bob! I have this problem I hope you can help me with. My husband, Steve, has the smelliest poops ever known to man! Sometimes the smell just floats out of the bathroom and makes the whole house small like a smelly gas station bathroom. In the winter time, we can’t open the windows because its too cold out and I feel like I’m trapped in a closet with a dirty kitty litter box!…
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