Ask Bob Senitram

By Bob Senitram

Bob Senitram has been infecting the world with nonsense since Al Gore invented the inter-web.


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  • Strange Happenings at Crack Whore Village…
    Last week, I was telling Jerome the story about how his new apartment at crack whore village became vacant…. One morning, Jackie, who lived downstairs from me (Jerome’s new place), had come to my apartment and asked me to check in on Cindy, my other neighbor who lived across from me. This is two hours after I came home from a graveyard shift, so I wasn’t too chipper. Jackie had a key to Cindy’s apartment…
  • CINDY FREAKS OUT!!!
    Last week I was telling Jerome, my new neighbor about my two previous neighbors Cindy and Jackie. Jackie just showed up a few hours after my graveyard shift and woke me up… “It’s Cindy! She ain’t up yet!” Jackie says in a frenzy. ‘So wake her up.’ I say while wiping sleep from my eyes. ‘She’s always up before me. She gives me a ride to work everyday and is always early. She’s always early!’…
  • I Get a New Neighbor!
    Back around the turn of the century, I gave Jerome a cigarette. It was a nice, sunny, summer day in 1996. I had just come home from work and was on my way to my apartment, when Jerome shows up. This was unusual, I didn’t get a lot of visitors in my neck of the woods. Not that I lived in the woods, it was actually a very urban area that was ripe with crime.…
  • The Times They Are A Changing!
    In my everlasting attempt on this planet to find peace and tranquility, I tried studying several religious philosophies over the years, but to no avail. Christianity, Buddhism, Muslim, they just don’t work for me. There’s no peace or tranquility as long as I’m still myself. Basically, the problem is this, I’m a massive a jerk. And I’m self-centered. I just can’t get beyond that. Besides, religions have all these rules for conduct, it’s just too…
  • Finally, The Grand Finale…Part IV!!!
    Well, when we left off last week, those Duke boys really got themselves in quite a pickle. Seems like that hunting trip at the park left our two friends wounded and heading toward the hospital. Stephen got shot in the arm by Bob, and Bob got shot in the head by Stephen. Bel thought Stephen was dead, But Bob, being the good friend that he is, convinced Bel to let Stephen go along to the…
  • Good Will Hunting: Part III
    In last week’s column I was reminiscing about the time that me Stephen had big plan to go hunting and shoot them lovely springtime birds and shove them in the freezer for free food. We was up in two trees ready to shoot them birds. As it turned out, me and Stephen decided to shoot the same bird at the same time, and it was right in-between us. As the bullet was heading toward my…
  • A Hunting we will go Part II!
    Last week, I was explaining my plan to go hunting for springtime birds at our local park. Anyways, we got our guns and was a-heading toward the park. We get to the perfect hunting ground, and I start to get ready. Soon, I had a nice big pile of leaves and branches that I dropped in front of Stephen. “Now we prepare!” “What am I supposed to do with all this…” Stephen asked me. “Camouflage,…
  • A Hunting We Will Go…
    Here in the Midwest, it was a balmy 60 degrees in my neck of the woods. I sat on the porch, drinkin’ a cold brew and listened to the morning birds as I recalled the days when I saw birds as a source of food. Back in the day when Stephen, Bel, and I were roommates in the crack infested neighborhood, we called home. One particular day, me and Stephen were trying to cure our…
  • The Rat Killin…
    Now I told you about the joys of carin’ for chickens. But I never told you about the rat killin’. How we got rid of that old chicken coop and how we got rid of all them rats inside. As I mentioned a few weeks ago, our family came into possession of an old country house and with that house came an old chicken coop with chickens. I don’t know if the prior owner had…
  • She’s Having a Baby!!!
    My wife came running out of the bathroom screaming, “We’re having a baby!” “Impossible.” I reply. “What?” She says while wiping the pregnancy stick on her jean leg. “I can’t have babies.” “You mean you’re sterile? That’s impossible, there’s been no one else. There’s never been any reason.” “No, I ain’t sterile. I’m a man! I’m no biologist, but last I heard, a man can’t give birth to no baby. Besides, even if I could,…
  • Chickens…A Story From My Youth!
    James writes:Hello Bob! I like chickens. What should I do? Dear James:It just so happens, that I know a little bit about chickens. As a teenager my family moved into a one-acre spot of land that had a chicken coop. Funny, but the chickens came with the house. The old coop must have been built in the 40s. It was dark, had rats and fleas and quite frankly I was afraid to go in there.…
  • The Aftermath of Passing Out!
    After passing out for four days courtesy of good ol’ Russian, gasoline moonshine from the 80s, Jerome was kind enough to take me home. We set up my computer back in the basement when I realized we didn’t have a keyboard. So back to Jerome’s we go. Jerome parked and up the stairs to his apartment we go. Who do I see in the hall? None other than Mikey, Bills kid who fixed the website…
  • He’s Back!
    Nice to be back. I woke up after a nasty hangover and I’m in a pile of rags at Jerome’s Place. “You’re telling me, you found me wondering around outside in my pajamas, in a snowstorm and I’ve been sleeping here for four days?” “Yup, that pretty much sums it up.” Jerome replies. “But I don’t want you worrying your pretty little head, I drove to your house, got your computer and brought it here.…
  • Jerome Steps In…
    Dear friends TheWeirdcrap.com and the Ask Bob column. This Jerome, Bob’s very bestest friend! Bob ain’t writing this week’s column for two reasons. One, he done crashed the site this last Tuesday night. And then there’s reason number two: on account he had some sort of “episode”. I don’t exactly know what the doctors would call it, but he ain’t right. Wednesday morning, I look out the window in my underwear drinkin’ my coffe and…
  • Someone Left The Cake Out In The Rain…
    “I’m tellin’ you, ‘Someone Left the Cake out in the Rain’ is a sick song!” The guy was a freakin’ sick-o! A regular Epstein if you ask me!” What you’re talking about? It’s frackin’ love song for God’s sake.” I reply to Stephen who’s agreed to go with me to the Wallmarket. “A creepy love song at best. You ever paid attention the lyrics?” Stephen continues. “Not really, I just thought it was a song…
  • Bob’s Annual Predictions for 2024!
    What an exciting list of annual predictions for 2024! So, let’s get started: Tech News!Google will launch a new advertising campaign that will present ads for products you’re thinking about, but never searched! Google A.I. will analyze each person’s thought patterns and anticipate what they are going to think about and pop-up ads.Men will be bombarded with sex and porn ads since we think about sex every 10 seconds.Women will also be bombarded by sex…
  • Streamline Christmass and Save Money!
    Here it is, Dec 22nd already and if you’re sitting there reading this with no cards sent and no gifts purchased, don’t worry! I have just the thing. I was thinking about ways to streamline Christmas and save money and I came up with a solution that can save you time and money during these hard economic times. And if you’ve done none of the Christmas stuff yet, it’s still not to late to implement…
  • It’s the most Christmass-y Time of the Year!
    Merry Christmas, it’s the most Christmas-y time of the year! And for folks who don’t celebrate Christmas, Happy Holidays! You don’t have to be Chirstian to celebrate Christmas. It was just a silly thing made up by someone a long time ago to wipe away those winter blues. He just happened to be Christian, so he made it linked to the Jesus. The Santa we all know was made up by the Coca-Cola company. Before,…
  • Bob’s Top Ten, Pretty-Sure to Work, Pick-up Lines
    This week I present pick-up lines thanks to Jason who asks: “Hey Bob, how do I meet women?” Dear Jason: I really don’t know because I’ve been married for 25 years, so I asked the kid. “It’s all online, people don’t go out in public since covid.” My daughter replied. “They use apps to hook up.” “So, it’s swipe this, and swipe that, and maybe you get to talk to someone?” I ask. “Basically.” She…
  • The Joys of Parenting
    I’ve been writing about my dim witted, drunken antics for about 20 years now. Although, I still drink, I no longer get falling down drunk like in my younger days. The binge drinking gave way to the joys of parenting. Stuff, like keeping a job by not going to work with a hangover every day, maintaining a house, and takin’ care of the lil’ ones. So, I figured I got into so many drunken messes,…
  • My First Day At My NEW JOB!!!
    I failed to tell you about my new job last week. So, here’s what went down after I got hired! Like I said before, I didn’t want no jive job. I tried to trash the interview with the man, but I got hired anyhow. Come Monday morning, I didn’t want to go. The ‘ol lady was expecting me of the house and to the new job come Monday morning, so out the door I went.…
  • The New Job – Part None
    I’m excited to tell you about my first day on the new job, but sadly, I can’t. Instead, I’m going to comment on my fellow columnists. First, Spamrider mentioned that he wants to get paid for his columns. Well, that just doesn’t make any sense to me. He said he visited the future, and in that future, he found that he had been writing columns on our site for years. So why would he want…
  • Bob Tries Not To Get A Job!
    “So why did you apply to the job at Midwest Doctors Incorporated?” I remembered Bel’s advice and decided to jump right into the Jesus this and Lord that…“Well, I went to one of them employment websites, and I said, “Lord, lead me to an employer where I can rejoice and celebrate life in your holy name. I did a local search and you were the first company that showed up and I knew the Lord…
  • Bob Gets A Job!
    For years, I’ve listening to my wife complain, “We need money for this, and we need money for that…go get a job you bum!” My usual answer is, “Yeah, yeah…in your dreams. We got plenty of monies.” Then she says, “I’m tired of supporting you…you need to get a job! Mom says if you don’t get a job, I should move back home!” This time she sounds serious. So I go online and apply to…
  • Job Hunting…
    This week I decided to go job hunting and… WE INTERRUPT THIS COLUMN TO BRING YOU AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT! GREAT NEWS!!! I get several emails a week asking, “what about this, and what about that…” and every so often, why aren’t there more columns! <WARNING: Shameful endorsements coming> Each week TheWeirdcrap.com audience of 3 get to enjoy columns by Stephen Johnson (Lunatic Ravings), Melissa Paternick (Chick Shit for Chic Chicks), and Bob Senitram (Ask Bob),…
  • The horror!
    And now, for Halloween, several scarry, horror stories to tell in the Dark! The following is a series of stories submitted years ago to TheWeirdcrap.com. Each was submitted weeks apart from the other. At the time they didn’t make any sense. But when I read them in the order that they were submitted, I realized that they were all connected. I just didn’t get it, but now I do. So here they are, the lost…
  • The Horror…
    Just in time for Halloween, I made a life changing discovery! Well, maybe not life changing…maybe a life altering discovery! Well, maybe not life altering…but it was a discovery! In the old days, when a story was submitted (by email back then) I copied it to a file and stored it on my pc and published it later. But, around 2005, we had soooooo many stories submitted each day that the waiting list to have…
  • Adventures in Telemarketing Part 78!
    So how and why did this telemarketing craze get started anyways? The whole telemarketing industry got started as a vehicle to fund the development of the J.S.L.P. (The Jewish Space Laser Program). Back when Ronald Regan was hallucinating about the “Star Wars” program as a USSR deterrent, our Jewish brothers started their own program. It was a 4-step program” 1) Create a fund-raising program 2) Research and Deveopment 3) Consolidate nazi and white supremist groups…
  • Adventures in Telemarketing Part III?
    Last week I shared some ways to have fun with telemarketers. These days, you’ll only get questionnaires and scams. But back in the day, folks would call about long-distance carriers, fancy new telephones, and appliance protection for you home. But how did all this get started? Well, maybe you don’t care. Wel, I’ll tell you anyways. First, we have to start at the beginning, so you get an appreciation of the process. Many years ago,…
  • Adventures in Telemarketing Part II
    Who am I kidding, there’s not much adventure in telemarketing. Last week, the excerpt from the ask bob column got removed from Instagram and Threads. We’re also on Twitter or X or whatever they decide to call themselves next week. So in the excerpt, I had the quote, “GOD DAMN IT GRANDPA…LOOK AT THIS BEER!!! It’s all cloudy, I told you to take a drink, not rinse your mouth and spit it back in the…
  • Adventures in Telemarketing Part I
    Dan Writes: I got a phone call about a policeman’s ball. Should I buy one? Dear Dan: You can if you want too, but don’t expect much. A long time ago, I got a call to buy a ticket for the “The Policeman’s Circus.” It sounded fun and I would be supporting the police. Most people buy these tickets with good intentions and never go. But I did. I thought it was strange that a…
  • Whole Lotta Poops Goin On…
    Sandy writes:Hi Bob! I have this problem I hope you can help me with. My husband, Steve, has the smelliest poops ever known to man! Sometimes the smell just floats out of the bathroom and makes the whole house small like a smelly gas station bathroom. In the winter time, we can’t open the windows because its too cold out and I feel like I’m trapped in a closet with a dirty kitty litter box!…
  • What In The World Is BHB?
    June asks: Hey Bob, what’s a bullum-head? I overheard a girl on the train say, “Sure, he’s a nice guy…but that bullum-head. I just can’t get past that!” WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT!! Thanks for submitting your query June!By the way anyone can Ask Bob a question…I have a degree in SCIENCE! Put simply, a Bollum-head is a term used by any decent country folk to describe a person with an odd shaped, or an…
  • Stephen’s Gone!
    Sad to report Stephen’s gone! I won’t be answering any emails today because of this grave situation that will affect each and every one of us. I am talking about the death of Steven Johnson our “Lunatic Ravings” commentator. It seems like only yesterday the staff of Weirdcrap.com were gathered at our office window watching the police pull Steven out of the dumpster and haul him off to jail. We’d sit and laugh as he…
  • Bob Gives Thanks!
    I would like to thank everyone for visiting our website and submitting questions! Once we rebranded in 2021, I was a little unsure about our resurgence…but traffic has been pretty impressive for a site that started with zero visits. So, how did we go from several million views a month to zero? It was easy, I just put Stephen Johnson in charge, and we were bankrupt within a week! Once that goal was accomplished, we…
  • A Burning Question, Answered!
    Lolla-pa-looza asks:Bob – How can you tell if its ok to eat leftovers? Dear Lolla-pa-looza, if that is your real name, This is a problem I’ve struggled with for years. Recently my wife scorned me because she caught me eating leftover stuff that was sitting in the sink. It had a little water in it, I think the dish was waiting to be washed, but it looked good to me. We didn’t do dishes the…
  • So Why Does Bob HAVE To Vote Trump?
    This column won’t make any sense unless you read last week’s column first, “Bob Commits Votes for Trump…AGAIN!!!“ “So, what’s the deal?” Bel asks. “Well, back in 2016 Trump had a “get the vote out” campaign which targeted independents.” I explain. “Yeah?…” “Some of the volunteers were actually paid escorts who were instructed to use thier feminine ways to convert folks. Well, one showed up at my house. She told me that on Trump’s second…
  • Bob Votes for Trump…AGAIN!!!
    “ARE…YOU…INSANE…” Bel counters. “Trump has been nothing but trouble since day one…who in thier right mind wants that again…” “I gotta. Besides, folks like us need to stick together, you know, support each other.” Bob returns. “You mean fat people?” Bel asks. “No.” “You mean stupid people?” “No.” “People losing their hair? “No…you know, people in the orange jump suite club.” I explain. “Oh, convicted felons.” “Exactly!” I reply. “The way I figure it, Trump…
  • Bob Turns to Bel for Help
    Following Stephen’s advice, I sought out Bel for help on how to make money to pay for a “Bat-Guy” to get rid of bats in our attic. Bel was in his church preachin’ about gettin’ you’re life saved and finding the Jesus. So I ask. “Where do we find the Jesus?” “Shut-up, Bob. I’m working.” Then we went on about being saved and blessed by the Jesus. “So, I find the Jesus, then he puts…
  • 4TH OF JULY!
    I hope all of you had a nice 4th of July, free of drive byes and fingers gettin’ blown off. ASK BOB A QUESTION!!! If you didn’t, sorry about the fingers, and the shootings, and all the mayhem that seems to follow our poor injured country. Some politicians say less guns = less shoottin’s. Makes sense to me. But then, other politicians say more guns = less shootin’s. I guess the argument is, if some…
  • Star Bars Part III: Return of the Jo-Jo
    In case you missed it, this is part III of the Star Bars story.” Synopsis: Previously, in Star Bars, Lucky meets up with Obla-doo and finds out his droid has a message from Princess Yoly, explaining “The shit has hit the fan.” So, they seek out someone to pilot a ship, yes, a spaceship. Meanwhile on the Death Bar… “Tell us the location of the rebel base!” Darth Garth yells at Princess Yoly who is…
  • Star Bars – Lucky Strikes Back!
    Lucky Strike just told Obla-doo he was gonna pop a cap in Darth Garth’s ass… “Lucky, you ain’t doing a God Damn thing” Obla-doo replies. “But he killed my father…” Just as the words leaves his lips we hear… “Bloop-dooop-weeeeee-bup!” “What’s that A-1?” Lucky turns to his little droid whos whizzing around in circles. “Boop-dooop-wheeee!” A-1 says again while annoyingly twirling around. “What the hell is that thing?” Obla asks. “That’s my droid, I made…
  • Senitram Summer Road Trip 2023!
    I put the Star Bars story on hold to tell you all about the Senitram Summer Road Trip 2023! We’re fortunate that we can afford little vacations now and then. Basically it’s dumb luck, we bought our house when the interest rates were, like 3%, so our mortgage is less than my daughters one bedroom apartment. We don’t make a lot of money, but our reoccuring expenses are stupid low, which gives us extra dough…
  • STAR BARS – No Hope
    I started writing Star Bars because I figured this Star Wars thing really took off over the years, so I would jump on the bandwagon and write my own B-Movie knock-off. I’m thinking, George Lucas isn’t that great of a writer…and neither am I! So why not? Given enough time maybe my version of the intergalactic saga will take off with a big movie contract and I’ll finally be on easy street. So here it…
  • Writer’s Strike?!
    So the writer’s strike may be coming to an end so we can start watching our favorite late night shows again! They just want more money for writing slightly humorous puns for the monologues…wait, people get paid to do this? I’ve been writing this column off and on for 20 years and never saw dime one! In fact, writing these columns cost me money because I have to pay for the server. Well, in the…
  • Do I Prey or Pray…
    Gene asks, “HEY BOB, DOES LIFE EVER LEAVE YOU THUNDERSTRUCK AND DO YOU PRAY OR DO YOU PREY?” Hey Gene, STOP YELLING AT ME! For me life is awesome, but I think it’s because I live the life of a crescent fresh dude and don’t sweat the disappointments. And yes, and yes. I prey on people starved to share the fiction they’ve wrote and don’t have an audience. We provide that audience of people looking…
  • Strange Dreams Part III
    The strange dreams continue: I was going thru my morning rush routine trying to get ready for class. In this dream I was in college, but instead of living in the basement apartment like I did in real life, I had a nice little one bedroom house. Munching on a handful of Cheerios without milk, I grabbed my backpack and headed toward the door. It was then I realized I was too late to catch…
  • Me And My Old-Lady…
    Last week I intended to write about a friendly visit by an Alien… Well, I got sidetracked when I started to describe some of my re-occurring dreams. The most prominent are with me and my old lady. Sometimes we’re living in the mid 80s, sometimes in the grunge world of the 90s. Sometimes a current time period. But one of the strangest, is a relatively short dream that takes place in the 20s. That’s the…
  • Strange Dreams
    In my younger days I wasn’t as clean cut and conservative as I am today. So after a lifetime abusing drugs and alcohol, my brain is like a block of Swiss cheese. As you can imagine, this gives my subconscious plenty of space to roam around and as a result, I have some unusual dreams that sometimes meld into the real world so closely, I have to stop and think if a memory was real…
  • It’s Moooiy-da, I tell you!!!
    You probably don’t recall, so I’ll tell you, two years ago Fox New was prescribed by my doctor to fix my low blood pressure. But then I became irritable because of all the doomsday news and my wife banned me from watching Fox News. When it got to the point that I wanted to make Donald Trump my Lord and Saviour, she said no more, and took Fox off our satellite feed. So sad. But…
  • What Really-Really-Really Happened!!!!
    Please note the superior level of explanation points used in the title of this column. That and only that displays my resolve to tell this nail-biting story! As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I was held captive by the evil editor of TheWeirdcrap.com. After reading the column, Stephen jumped to action. He opened up his Web-TV browser and Googled how to operate a smart phone. And at that, for the first time in his…
  • Rescued!!!
    It turns out, that Stephen read last week’s column and decided to take action! This would be the second time he saved my life. Don’t get me wrong, Stephens quite the asshole, but I do owe him my life. Now two times over! Many years ago, in the dead of winter, I thought it would be a good idea to challenge a co-worker to a challenge at the local bar. We would take shots of…
  • Finally I get to Answering Emails!
    Before I answer emails, I would like to mention my current state of affairs. As I mentioned a few weeks ago, TheWeirdcrap.com was sold to a rich investor who refused to put dime-one into the site. I still update and maintain it in my basement. So, you can imagine my surprise, when I got a call from the Editor of TheWeirdcrap.com. I didn’t even know we had an editor. I have no idea what he…

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