Ask Bob Senitram

By Bob Senitram

Bob Senitram has been infecting the world with nonsense since Al Gore invented the inter-web.

Lunatic Columns | Lunatic Ravings | Spamrider of the Apocalypse | Chick Shit | Guest Writers | Column Archives

  • Forbidden Time Zone: A NEW HOPE!
    by Bob Senitram
    America feels like it’s coming apart at the seams—and somehow, the guy holding the scissors isn’t good at cutting. But believe it or not, there’s a new hope in all this chaos. I’m stepping away from my usual storyline today for something different: an old-school opinion column. With everything spinning off the rails here in the good ol’ US of A, maybe what we need isn’t another headline—it’s some perspective, maybe even a little hope.…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 24
    by Bob Senitram
    The Forbidden Time Zone has a lot of moving parts, so let’s take a moment to step back and connect everything. It was 2015-and-something, when Bob creates what he believes to be an altered timeline of a simulated version of his past life. His goal? To lure out a mysterious entity. Bob is convinced this entity is behind the creation of multiple timelines inside the simulated world. A place that, in his reality, is where…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 23
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week in The Forbidden Time Zone, we learned about one of the special modifications Cindy had made to the house: a hidden storage panel tucked into the walk-in closet. Inside it, she kept a set of razor-sharp knives she fondly referred to as her little pretties. She slid the final blade back into its casing with practiced care.“Not yet, my little pretties… soon.”With a press of her finger on the keypad, the panel whirred…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 22
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week, Bob had entered his own body in 2015. Little did he know, the entity he was searching for was in his own home. Clueless, Bob called from the bottom of the stairs, “Hey, you want me to take Nancy to school?” Cindy emerged from the bedroom, still half-dressed. One shoe was on, the other dangled from her hand. She looked rushed, but her voice stayed light and casual. “Would you? That’d be great.”…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 21
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week in The Forbidden Time Zone, Bob had started to gain memories of his past lives. His mind, once foggy, was now flooded with fragments of forgotten timelines, moments that held the key to changing his future. He focused on one memory, a pivotal moment from what he perceived as the original timeline, one where his choices could steer him toward a better life. But there was a greater plan. Bob had concluded that…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 20 – Bob
    by Bob Senitram
    For the last few weeks in Forbidden Time Zone, we learned all about the entity, Cindy, and the Creators. Now, we’re back to Bob as he leaves his 12-year-old body, which just encountered the entity. Bob rose, shedding his old body like a snake sloughing off its skin. He drifted upward, past the sky, and into the expanse of space. As he ascended, fragments of forgotten memories flickered back into his mind, the lives he’d…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 19 – Cindy
    by Bob Senitram
    As instructed, Cindy entered Bob’s new world in 2015. This was it. This was the culmination of years of planning and manipulating timelines. This was the Creators’ plan, and it had borne fruit, Bob. And he’s now ready to be picked. She observed the changes the Creators had warned her about. They explained that Bob had created a new universe from the variables of his past lives. The best version for himself. Cindy was eager…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 18 – Cindy
    by Bob Senitram
    Cindy was heading toward the Creators once again after failing to put an end to Bob when he was a child, a task that seemed so simple then. She could hear the smug “I told you so’s” already forming in her head. But the Creators would never say it so plainly. No, it would be a grand affair, stretched into a two-hour oratory, full of self-righteousness. She couldn’t wait for the Man-splaining session. They would…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: PART 17- The Creators
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week, the Creators manipulated Cindy’s strongest emotion to pull her into their war against that damn Bob. They had to explain, of course, that they couldn’t send physical objects, like a gun or a baseball bat, through time. This was why they had to wait until the precise moment of Cindy’s death before calling her to them. It’s not possible to send a physical body or object through time. Only a consciousness could bridge…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: PART 16- Cindy – 2
    by Bob Senitram
    Cindy had just escaped Bob’s detection and was moving through the vast expanse of time and space, preparing to meet the Creators once again. This time, her thoughts turned to the memories of their first encounter. Long ago, when Cindy had finally reached the end of her life, she had been ready. She’d seen enough of this world and was prepared to leave. Taking one final breath, the light fading from her eyes and the…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: PART 15- Cindy’s Story
    by Bob Senitram
    Cindy’s mind stopped for a moment as she froze, her heart hammering in her chest as her eyes locked onto Bob’s form—outside his body. He was no longer tethered to the mortal world, just as she had once been. She had no words, no explanations, only an overwhelming, suffocating shock. How did he accomplish this? She had never imagined or prepared for this scenario. Bob was becoming something different, something beyond what she was used…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 14 – Prologue
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week in The Forbidden Time Zone, Cindy had one singular mission: to eliminate Bob, once and for all. But before we dive deeper, let’s clear up some confusion about these multiple universes. The Institute of New Beginnings has misled everyone—including Bob. They never maintained a massive computer that replicated their world to send people to when they died. That’s just what they told the public – a lie. The truth? The Institute was originally…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: PART XIII
    by Bob Senitram
    In case you just joined us in Forbidden Time Zone, usually the Ask Bob column is a collection of true life events, exaggerated into fiction. This, however, is pure fiction. Or is it? So far, future Bob is occupying the mind of his 12 year old self, Bobby. Bob was sent here by the Institute of New Beginnings to witness Bob’s first encounter with The Entity. -Start from the beginning here- The tight grip on…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: PART XII
    by Bob Senitram
    Previously on Forbidden Time Zone: Part XI, Bob’s occupying his younger self’s body, going about his boring routine in a small, two bedroom apartment, with strict orders not to leave when no one was home. It was two week’s living in this monotonous, poverty stricken, hell-hole, when there was a knock on the door. Bobby peeked thru the peep hole to find a pretty green eyed girl. Bobby slowly opened the door, feeling his pulse…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: PART XI
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week in Forbidden Time Zone: Part X, Bob was sent back to occupy the mind of his younger self in the simulation, tasked with observing his first encounter with the entity. This wasn’t what he had expected. He shared the mind of his 12-year-old body in a world and timeline he knew nothing about. Bobby—his younger self—was still in control, functioning as normal, totally unaware that Bob’s mind was now occupying his. For two…
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone: PART X
    by Bob Senitram
    Finally, Bob was back. But not in the way he had imagined. Previously, in Forbidden Time Zone, Bob had been recruited to fix a problem—one that seemed both monumental and impossible. The world he had entered wasn’t real. It was a simulation—a twisted version of Earth created by the Institute of New Beginnings, where the dead could return and relive their lives. The problem? The history of this simulated Earth had been altered, corrupted by…
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone: PART IX
    by Bob Senitram
    This week in the Forbidden Time Zone: Bob was pulled from his deep sleep. Gabriel was waiting for him. “We had to pull you out quickly. We detected some unusual energy readings entering the database. We were concerned it might be the entity.” Bob tried to mentally shake off the lingering haze. “Good call. It was her, all right. I don’t think it’s safe for me to return there.” “Her, huh? We suspected it was…
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone: PART VIII
    by Bob Senitram
    In this episode of The Forbidden Time Zone… Bob’s mind raced as the flashes of images slowed, his senses overwhelmed by the surge of information. When his life in the real world ended, he was downloaded into this simulation, a place where nothing was as it seemed, and yet everything felt so tangible. His life—a life that had been abruptly yanked from him—was just a mere construct, a replica of the real world maintained in…
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone: PART VII
    by Bob Senitram
    Just in case this is the first installment you’ve come across, it all started in Part I. Last week in “The Forbidden Time Zone” we’ve just uncovered something unsettling about Bob. Both in the simulated world and the real one—he inherited his vast wealth from a dark legacy: his family’s fortune was built by supplying arms to both sides of the United States Civil War, a conflict that has been dragging on for thousands of…
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone: PART VI
    by Bob Senitram
    Previously in My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone, Bob had been living countless lives within simulation time zones since his death. His consciousness, uploaded into this machine, had experienced cycles of existence that blurred into one another. But now, something had gone wrong. The Entity—the one they’d warned him about—had begun to cause serious disruptions in the timeline. And Bob? He’d just been recruited to stop it. Find the Entity. Take it out.…
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone: PART V
    by Bob Senitram
    If you missed the last four installments of the Forbidden Time Zone, let me catch you up: Bob found himself trapped in a strange in-between realm after death, not the purgatory we all imagined, but something far worse—a technological purgatory. In this nightmare, the dead had their consciousness stored as data, and then the simulation would start, allowing them to be born again. Bob, however, had paid for the ultimate package: unlimited reincarnations, allowing him…
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone: PART IV
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week, in the so called “Forbidden Time Zone” Bob had begun to piece together a vague understanding of the void—or whatever it was that surrounded him now. And he’d learned that his “Unlimited Package” was rare, possibly the best offer available. But that didn’t make him feel any better. “Is anyone going to tell me what that was?” His voice was shaky, something in the air unsettling him. “What?” The man’s tone was almost…
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone: PART III
    by Bob Senitram
    In last week’s adventure, Bob found out that he’s definitely deceased. And now he wants answers. “So this is my afterlife, a lot more technical than I expected.” I said, my voice a strange, hollow echo in the darkness. “No, this isn’t an afterlife, but for you, perhaps. I never thought of it like that.” the man’s voice replied with an almost dismissive chuckle. “So, where am I? I mean there must be some part…
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone: PART II
    by Bob Senitram
    In last week’s episode, Bob woke in the “Forbidden Time Zone” a void and began conversing with voices in his head. “Don’t tell him that!” the woman scolded. “Look, we’ll do a full wipe this time. A full 24 hours—he won’t remember a thing,” the man’s voice replied, calm but mechanical. “Just like last time. Remember that car accident? Strange case, that one. You and everyone else have free will inside, but we didn’t expect…
  • My Exposed Adventure in the Forbidden Time Zone
    by Bob Senitram
    “I was told the following should never be exposed. The forbidden time zone is not to be trifled with. Or, at least, that’s what they said. But here I am. Writing it down, so I guess I’ll take my chances. When I woke up, it wasn’t like any normal waking. It was as if my mind was suddenly thrust into a void. No sensations, no sight, nothing. Just my consciousness, floating in blackness. It felt…
  • Captain’s Log: Saving Money, Star Date… Now!
    by Bob Senitram
    Note from the Editor: Due to an unexpected disruption in the time and space continuum (thanks Spamrider), the original column somehow was altered. Originally this was not in the voice of Captain Kirk, but we liked this version better, so we kept it. However, some language of the introduction coincided with a completely different time line, so that part has been changed to match the current existing time line. Kevin writes: Everything is so expensive…
  • Schlitzing Odd MAGA: Embracing Lost Tradition…
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week, I took you down a rabbit hole regarding the economics of politics. But what if you’re an ordinary Joe, and you ain’t had time or money to invest? In that case, you gotta look at the big picture to make a good decision. Now, this column ain’t for MAGA folks. They have no need for thinking, they only know what Trump tells them. That’s all they know. This is for Republicans and Democrats…
  • A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That: Interplay Between Politics and Economics
    by Bob Senitram
    I initially planned to start this column with an engaging introduction about a new story that came to me while cleaning the carpet. However, I realized this column is meant to share my thoughts on “this and that”. Turns out, that’s something that I almost never do! Only thing is, I’m shallow minded. I don’t care about “this”, and I really don’t care about “that”. Interestingly, I inherited this column over twenty years ago from…
  • A Senitram Exclusive: A Painful look at Parenting
    by Bob Senitram
    This column takes me back to the painful years of raising kids. I figured it would relatable to all you new parents going thru the pain of daycare expenses, availability, and some other third thing that I can’t think of. Back in the day, as now, it was hard to get your kid in daycare. And it’s expensive. And when we were in the process of getting everything ready to make the transition from daycare…
  • Why I love the Genius of Trump!
    by Bob Senitram
    Ah, dear reader, I found myself in quite the peculiar state whilst indulging in a speech delivered by none other than Donald J. Trump at one of his raucous rallies. You see, there’s an undeniable charm in the sheer absurdity of his words, a veritable delight for those with a penchant for humor. Regardless of one’s political leanings, one must concede that he has a gift for the ridiculous. Now, my wife has taken to…
  • North of the Border!
    by Bob Senitram
    For this edition, we renamed the column, “North of the Border”. It was one of the columns submitted to replace Melissa Paterick’s “Chick Shit” column. It didn’t quite fit in, and he actually wrote an Ask Bob column, so what the heck. We’re putting it here. Ask Bob will return next Friday (10/04/2024). Until then, please enjoy the ramblings from a man who lives… North of The BorderBy “Dangerous Dave” Well, since Melissa is gone…
  • Bob meets His Match! (Viewer Email Part 3)
    by Bob Senitram
    In the “Viewer Mail Part 1” column, I explained that when I saw the show where the gospel man gave his testimonial about how he come to find the Jesus, I would follow suit. So, I did, in “Viewer Mail Part 2“. Now, we’re back to the contest to see who would get the sacred Saturday slot for our columns. I came up with the idea, that we would drink a beer every time a…
  • How I found the Jesus! (Viewer Email Part 2)
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week, In the “Viewer Mail” column, Stephen and I decided on a contest to see who would get the sacred Saturday slot for our columns. I came up with this idea. We would a cable religion channel and wait for a faith healer to come on. Then drink a beer each time a faith healer, healed someone. Last man standing wins! We got started, but then the faith guy told how he found the…
  • Viewer Mail!!!
    by Bob Senitram
    It’s a lot of work to find actual viewer mail, because I get 100 emails a week by folks offering to increase our SEO rankings on google. I don’t even know what SEO is? Anyway, go here to Ask Bob a question! I’ll find your question hidden in my ever-growing inbox. Are you “viewers” or visitors? I mean, you have to view the screen to read our stuff…right? Stan writes: “Hey Bob, a couple of…
  • Nice Dreams – RESCUE!: Part – oh, forget it!
    by Bob Senitram
    Well, last week, in an attempt to rescue Bob, Jerome went and got on the boat that was havin’ a gun fight with police, and now he’s a hostage. Things are lookin’ pretty grim for ol’ Bob and Jerome right about now… But don’t worry, he’s got an “angle”. Ezra is holding onto Bob by the arm and then he grabs a hold of Jerome. Jerome dares not to try to escape, ’cause one of…
  • Nice Dreams…HOSTAGE!: Part XVIII
    by Bob Senitram
    Continuing with Part XVIII: Ezra got Bob as a hostage and now and now they’re marching onto the deck where all the action is…yadda, yadda, yadda… Is this really part XVIII? I kinda lost track! PART XVIII Ezra leads Bob to the deck where gunfire ensues between the cohorts of Ma Baker and the police. “I don’t know if this is a good idea.” Bob says to Ezra. “This is just what we need to…
  • Nice Dreams that are not so nice: Part XVII
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week, in a low blood sugar craze, Bob walks to the boat with Ma Baker and her cohorts, while they engage in a fierce gun battle with police. Crazy for food, he finds the kitchen and makes himself a nice sandwich, with ham, turkey, and bacon. The battle rages on while he picks up a bottle of wine, but the bottle get shattered by gunfire while still in his hand. Meanwhile, Jerome and Melissa…
  • Dreams: Part XVI or Meanwhile back at the Ranch…
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week Jerome found out he was duped, and Bob ain’t an alien at all. He’s just a very, very, very-stupid man, who’s doing the best that he can. Meanwhile, back at the lake… Jerome and Melissa return to the scene of the crime. The hole in the ground where they left Bob. Jerome is looking down the empty hole in disbelief, “Oh jeez, oh jeez, oh jeez…he ain’t here!” He says while pacing around…
  • Action Dreams – Melissa and Jerome: Part XV!
    by Bob Senitram
    Bob and the cops just arrive at the dock where we can see the boat approaching. The area is lined with police cars all facing sideways so when the boat arrives, they can use the cars as a shield. “I don’t know, this looks like it’s gonna get ugly.” Bob says from the back of the police car. “How about we make another detour and get a little somethin’ for breakfast, I’m starving.” “Don’t weasel…
  • Nice Dreams: Part XIV
    by Bob Senitram
    Bob just witnessed the horrific scene at the Kellog’s plan, which fits in real nice with the story… After that little scene from last week, Bob stands up and brushes the dirt off his clothes. “Dude, it’s just a manufacturing plant. You should take a chill pill.” Jim points out. “Yeah, you need to relax. Try a little tenderness, now and then.” “Sorry guys, I know I over-reacted at the end of the last column.…
  • Dream #9 or Car 54 Where are You?: Part XIII
    by Bob Senitram
    Prologue: Bob is rescued from that hole by the side of the road by the police. When they heard Bob was mixed up with Ma Baker, they convince him to help bring that criminal to justice! “Well, If you think I can be helpful…I’m in!” I reply. “Great! But first, we gotta show you just what Ma Baker did.” Jim adds. “You mean the Kellog’s plant?” “Of course, you gotta see this for yourself.” Barry…
  • Nice Dreams of Action: Part XII
    by Bob Senitram
    Prologue: After being saved from that ship, Bob gets dumped in a hole by Jerome and Melissa who are convinced that Bob is an evil, alien, AI biological robot. And Bob ain’t happy about it! After Jerome and Melissa left, I just sat down for minute nice and quiet. After that temper tantrum I needed a little rest. I noticed the blanket that covered the hole had fell down with me. I fold it nice…
  • Action Packed Nice Dreams: Info Battles: Part XI
    by Bob Senitram
    When we left off, Bob got dumped in a hole by Jerome and Melissa after being rescued from that boat…If you just joined us, start from the beginning with “Action Packed Dreams: Part I”. “Really, I have no idea what you guys are talking about.” I say from the bottom of the big hole by the lake. “Don’t play stupid with me Bob, we know who you really are! I learned it all from the…
  • Nice Action-Packed Dreams: Part X – BETRAYED!!!
    by Bob Senitram
    This action-packed dream is a dream I had while in a coma a few years back.Ok, it wasn’t quite a coma, but I was in a deep sleep. And it really wasn’t a few years ago, more like a few months ago. Well, a few weeks anyway. So, we walk until we see a guy leaning against a car smoking a cigarette. As we approach, I recognize him. IT’S JEROME! One of my oldest friends!…
  • Nice Dreams: Part IX – The Rescue!
    by Bob Senitram
    Before we get to the action-packed rescue, here’s the intro to this tale for those who just joined us. Prologue: Oh, read the other columns that leads up to this already. Starting with Action Packed Dreams Part I (Yeah, I changed the name a few times.) The story so far. I escaped in a life raft with Melissa, and we rowed and rowed until the yacht was just a wee blur in the distance. Now…
  • Nice Dreams: Part VIII – An Unexpected Visit!
    by Bob Senitram
    Prologue: I’m sort of a hostage on a yacht, where my days are numbered. So, I figured, I’d make the best of it…–Start from the beginning– I spent the rest of that day drinking shots of Tequila with the big wigs and snacking on hors-d’euvres (or oh-d’fancies). Then we were treated like kings when the kitchen staff brought out dinner for us to dine in long tables set up outside. This was the life of…
  • Nice Dreams: Part VII – A Twist of Fate!
    by Bob Senitram
    Prologue: In the proceeding columns, I found myself on a luxurious private ocean liner, mistaken for some kind of scientist. Currently, they all think I’m the guy, except Ezra the man who greeted me when I came out of my drug induced coma. He says, they’ll definitely have my head when the Boss finds out I’m not who they think I am. Then, I find that Melissa Paternick on the boat and she tells me…
  • Nice Dreams: Part VI
    by Bob Senitram
    Disclaimer (sort of…) Seems like this last week, it’s been…Bob loves me this, and I had Bob’s baby that! All the writers of TheWeirdcrap.com seem to be obsessed with me. Well, I’m just glad Stephen continues to hate my guts as he always has.Oh, and for the record…I AM NOT A TIME TRAVELER! Well, actually I am. But I can only travel forward in time, just like everybody else. So I guess, if you think…
  • Nice Dreams: Part V!
    by Bob Senitram
    Now before I continue with my Nice Dreams, I must address Melissa’s last column. Melissa and I are definitely NOT in love and she did not give birth to my baby! And second, I never liked that crabby red head in the first place. We just hired her to answer the phones because Stephen insisted. He felt a special bond when he found out that she also dropped out of school in the 6th grade.…
  • Nice Dreams: Part IV
    by Bob Senitram
    If you missed parts 1-3 of “Nice Dreams” here’s the thing. I woke up with messy hair, explored an unknown hallway in my new apartment building in my pj’s. In that hallway, I was invited into a business office (the first floor of the apartment has businesses). I Fell asleep and woke up to a rocking room. Not a rock-around-the-clock rocking, but the room was swaying back and forth rocking. I check outside and all…
  • Nice Dreams Part III!
    by Bob Senitram
    Prologue to the Prologue: I can’t help it…I’m on about the Trump trial! Innocent, guilty…I don’t really care. But what I really get a kick out of, is his lack of self-control regarding his gag order. He has no self-control and he really isn’t capable of distinguishing the nuances of what is or isn’t allowed. Combine that with Trumps childlike urge to do whatever you tell him not to do. Hilariously, priceless. I shouldn’t take…
  • Strange Dreams: Part 2
    by Bob Senitram
    Prologue: This part 2 of an action-packed story about a strange dream I had after binge watching Fubar. And in this dream, I was the star of a Hollywood movie. This really blew my mind. Me, and overfed long haired leaping gnome, should be the star behind a Hollywood movie… But there I was. In this scene, I had just woken up with long, crazy messy hair only to find my brother-in-law at the door.…
  • Action Packed Dreams!!! Part I
    by Bob Senitram
    Before I begin this action-packed saga, here’s this: Prologe Part I:About Donald J Trump’s trials and tribulations:To quote the late great “Barretta”, “Don’t do the crime, if you can’t do the time.” And dats the name of dat tune. Although, I truly appreciate all the antics that come with Donald. It’s just fun to see him slithering in the spotlight again. I truly missed that big ‘ol baby. He’s like watching a old black and…

Ask Bob Archives | Lunatic Column Archives