Ask Bob Senitram

By Bob Senitram

Bob Senitram has been infecting the world with nonsense since Al Gore invented the inter-web.

Lunatic Columns | Ask Bob | Lunatic Ravings | Chick Shit | Guest Writers

  • Adventures in Telemarketing Part II
    Who am I kidding, there’s not much adventure in telemarketing. Last week, the excerpt from the ask bob column got removed from Instagram and Threads. We’re also on Twitter or X or whatever they decide to call themselves next week. So in the excerpt, I had the quote, “GOD DAMN IT GRANDPA…LOOK AT THIS BEER!!! It’s all cloudy, I told … Read more
  • Adventures in Telemarketing Part I
    Dan Writes: I got a phone call about a policeman’s ball. Should I buy one? Dear Dan: You can if you want too, but don’t expect much. A long time ago, I got a call to buy a ticket for the “The Policeman’s Circus.” It sounded fun and I would be supporting the police. Most people buy these tickets with … Read more
  • Whole Lotta Poops Goin On…
    Sandy writes:Hi Bob! I have this problem I hope you can help me with. My husband, Steve, has the smelliest poops ever known to man! Sometimes the smell just floats out of the bathroom and makes the whole house small like a smelly gas station bathroom. In the winter time, we can’t open the windows because its too cold out … Read more
  • What In The World Is BHB?
    June asks: Hey Bob, what’s a bullum-head? I overheard a girl on the train say, “Sure, he’s a nice guy…but that bullum-head. I just can’t get past that!” WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT!! Thanks for submitting your query June!By the way anyone can Ask Bob a question…I have a degree in SCIENCE! Put simply, a Bollum-head is a term used … Read more
  • Stephen’s Gone!
    Sad to report Stephen’s gone! I won’t be answering any emails today because of this grave situation that will affect each and every one of us. I am talking about the death of Steven Johnson our “Lunatic Ravings” commentator. It seems like only yesterday the staff of were gathered at our office window watching the police pull Steven out … Read more
  • Bob Gives Thanks!
    I would like to thank everyone for visiting our website and submitting questions! Once we rebranded in 2021, I was a little unsure about our resurgence…but traffic has been pretty impressive for a site that started with zero visits. So, how did we go from several million views a month to zero? It was easy, I just put Stephen Johnson … Read more
  • A Burning Question, Answered!
    Lolla-pa-looza asks:Bob – How can you tell if its ok to eat leftovers? Dear Lolla-pa-looza, if that is your real name, This is a problem I’ve struggled with for years. Recently my wife scorned me because she caught me eating leftover stuff that was sitting in the sink. It had a little water in it, I think the dish was … Read more
  • So Why Does Bob HAVE To Vote Trump?
    This column won’t make any sense unless you read last week’s column first, “Bob Commits Votes for Trump…AGAIN!!!“ “So, what’s the deal?” Bel asks. “Well, back in 2016 Trump had a “get the vote out” campaign which targeted independents.” I explain. “Yeah?…” “Some of the volunteers were actually paid escorts who were instructed to use thier feminine ways to convert … Read more
  • Bob Votes for Trump…AGAIN!!!
    “ARE…YOU…INSANE…” Bel counters. “Trump has been nothing but trouble since day one…who in thier right mind wants that again…” “I gotta. Besides, folks like us need to stick together, you know, support each other.” Bob returns. “You mean fat people?” Bel asks. “No.” “You mean stupid people?” “No.” “People losing their hair? “No…you know, people in the orange jump suite … Read more
  • Bob Turns to Bel for Help
    Following Stephen’s advice, I sought out Bel for help on how to make money to pay for a “Bat-Guy” to get rid of bats in our attic. Bel was in his church preachin’ about gettin’ you’re life saved and finding the Jesus. So I ask. “Where do we find the Jesus?” “Shut-up, Bob. I’m working.” Then we went on about … Read more
  • 4TH OF JULY!
    I hope all of you had a nice 4th of July, free of drive byes and fingers gettin’ blown off. ASK BOB A QUESTION!!! If you didn’t, sorry about the fingers, and the shootings, and all the mayhem that seems to follow our poor injured country. Some politicians say less guns = less shoottin’s. Makes sense to me. But then, … Read more
  • Star Bars Part III: Return of the Jo-Jo
    In case you missed it, this is part III of the Star Bars story.” Synopsis: Previously, in Star Bars, Lucky meets up with Obla-doo and finds out his droid has a message from Princess Yoly, explaining “The shit has hit the fan.” So, they seek out someone to pilot a ship, yes, a spaceship. Meanwhile on the Death Bar… “Tell … Read more
  • Star Bars – Lucky Strikes Back!
    Lucky Strike just told Obla-doo he was gonna pop a cap in Darth Garth’s ass… “Lucky, you ain’t doing a God Damn thing” Obla-doo replies. “But he killed my father…” Just as the words leaves his lips we hear… “Bloop-dooop-weeeeee-bup!” “What’s that A-1?” Lucky turns to his little droid whos whizzing around in circles. “Boop-dooop-wheeee!” A-1 says again while annoyingly … Read more
  • Senitram Summer Road Trip 2023!
    I put the Star Bars story on hold to tell you all about the Senitram Summer Road Trip 2023! We’re fortunate that we can afford little vacations now and then. Basically it’s dumb luck, we bought our house when the interest rates were, like 3%, so our mortgage is less than my daughters one bedroom apartment. We don’t make a … Read more
  • STAR BARS – No Hope
    I started writing Star Bars because I figured this Star Wars thing really took off over the years, so I would jump on the bandwagon and write my own B-Movie knock-off. I’m thinking, George Lucas isn’t that great of a writer…and neither am I! So why not? Given enough time maybe my version of the intergalactic saga will take off … Read more
  • Writer’s Strike?!
    So the writer’s strike may be coming to an end so we can start watching our favorite late night shows again! They just want more money for writing slightly humorous puns for the monologues…wait, people get paid to do this? I’ve been writing this column off and on for 20 years and never saw dime one! In fact, writing these … Read more
  • Do I Prey or Pray…
    Gene asks, “HEY BOB, DOES LIFE EVER LEAVE YOU THUNDERSTRUCK AND DO YOU PRAY OR DO YOU PREY?” Hey Gene, STOP YELLING AT ME! For me life is awesome, but I think it’s because I live the life of a crescent fresh dude and don’t sweat the disappointments. And yes, and yes. I prey on people starved to share the … Read more
  • Strange Dreams Part III
    The strange dreams continue: I was going thru my morning rush routine trying to get ready for class. In this dream I was in college, but instead of living in the basement apartment like I did in real life, I had a nice little one bedroom house. Munching on a handful of Cheerios without milk, I grabbed my backpack and … Read more
  • Me And My Old-Lady…
    Last week I intended to write about a friendly visit by an Alien… Well, I got sidetracked when I started to describe some of my re-occurring dreams. The most prominent are with me and my old lady. Sometimes we’re living in the mid 80s, sometimes in the grunge world of the 90s. Sometimes a current time period. But one of … Read more
  • Strange Dreams
    In my younger days I wasn’t as clean cut and conservative as I am today. So after a lifetime abusing drugs and alcohol, my brain is like a block of Swiss cheese. As you can imagine, this gives my subconscious plenty of space to roam around and as a result, I have some unusual dreams that sometimes meld into the … Read more
  • It’s Moooiy-da, I tell you!!!
    You probably don’t recall, so I’ll tell you, two years ago Fox New was prescribed by my doctor to fix my low blood pressure. But then I became irritable because of all the doomsday news and my wife banned me from watching Fox News. When it got to the point that I wanted to make Donald Trump my Lord and … Read more
  • What Really-Really-Really Happened!!!!
    Please note the superior level of explanation points used in the title of this column. That and only that displays my resolve to tell this nail-biting story! As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I was held captive by the evil editor of After reading the column, Stephen jumped to action. He opened up his Web-TV browser and Googled … Read more
  • Rescued!!!
    It turns out, that Stephen read last week’s column and decided to take action! This would be the second time he saved my life. Don’t get me wrong, Stephens quite the asshole, but I do owe him my life. Now two times over! Many years ago, in the dead of winter, I thought it would be a good idea to … Read more
  • Finally I get to Answering Emails!
    Before I answer emails, I would like to mention my current state of affairs. As I mentioned a few weeks ago, was sold to a rich investor who refused to put dime-one into the site. I still update and maintain it in my basement. So, you can imagine my surprise, when I got a call from the Editor of … Read more
  • Ohio Crap
    We got a short-short-short story submitted a few weeks ago called “Ohio Crap”. Well, I’m sorry to say, it just didn’t cut the cake to get posted with the Alarmingly Strange Stories section. We’re not qualified to be critics, but I just couldn’t follow this one, but here it is just the same: Ohio Crapby Charlie A zebra punched someone.A … Read more
  • Hippies Coke Bottles and the Long Arm of the Law
    This is from a couple of years ago… I liked the idea but decided to change a few things. I think I still had the Covid brain fog when originally written, so a re-write was in order. Currently, we get between 5 and 10 thousand page views a week, but back then we only had about 50 page views a … Read more
  • People Make Me Sick!
    Last week Stephen Johnson, decided to grace headquarters with his presence… WE INTERRUPT THE REGULAR PROGRAM TO BRING YOU THIS IMPORTANT MESSAGE: 20 years ago, Bryan Deno submitted one of my favorite stories, “The Not-So-Politically Correct Tale of Joe Poe“. If you haven’t read it…go read it now! 20 years later he finally submitted a second story called “The … Read more
  • Nursery Rhymes For New Parents!
    Parenting is hard work, there’s planes to catch and bills to pay and you still have to find time to learn those kids! So, for all you new parents, I wrote some nice short stories that you can tell your children. They’ll be entertained and grow to be wise and street smart. Franky, The Boy Who Wouldn’t Eat his Veggies. … Read more
  • She Gets Hungriest at Night…
    This week, Stephen explains what happened to Chuck Cunningham, Opy Cunninghams older brother who disappeared in the first season! Speaking of columns on, if you want to write a column as a guest and have it published with all the other nonsense, well, you can! Who told you, you couldn’t? Oh yea, if your too lazy to write a … Read more
  • Winter Road Trip Part II
    Last week I shared how google decided to drive us right into the eye of a winter storm on the way to Minneapolis. We got to the hotel which was much nicer than I was expecting. Usually, our trips lead us to a chain hotel with a fancy name, but the rooms and accommodations aren’t much better that what you … Read more
  • The Winter Roadtrip 2023
    After a nice hard winter, the ol’ lady decided that a winter road trip would be fun. She had some out of state work, so we decided to pack up and head to beautiful-sunny Minneapolis where the grass is greener, and kids are all above average. On the morning to leave, we were greeted with a good helping of snow. … Read more
  • The Meaning of Life
    Michael asks:My names Michael and I feel it has been impossible to find my meaning. I have classified myself and a “wondering wonderer”, also known as a drifter. So now I ask you, the knower of all questions to help me find my meaning. You can also Ask Bob a question! Dear Michael: Your meaning is not as complicated as … Read more
  • About that Alaska “balloon”
    You may have read about the air force shooting down that “balloon” in Alaska. But In have to tell the REAL story of what happened out there. As you may suspect, this is a gigantic government cover-up. I know, because I, Bob Senitram, was there! It just so happens that I’m a member of the Alaskan Caribou of the Month … Read more
  • Bobs Guide on How to Be Human
    With all the violence in society these days, I got to thinkin’, people need some rules that they can follow without all the confusion of congressional legislation. Of course, we got the ten commandments. But for a lot of folks, it just doesn’t sink in. Either that, or 10 rules is just too much to remember. So, I came up … Read more
  • Why Dogs Eat Poo – Part VI
    I get in the elevator and my guide hits a few buttons and it feels like we’re going down. “Are we in an elevator?” I ask. “Sure.” The guide responds. “Then what are all these buttons? Doesn’t an elevator just go up and down?” “Sure.” “So, the dog race, it doesn’t survive, but some pups survive, and they can digest … Read more
  • The History of Our Planet Part V
    About 2 months ago, I set out to explain why dogs eat their own poo. Well, I’ll get to it. I just got sidetracked, and explaining how I came to know the answer to that question required a bit of an explanation. If you’re coming in the middle of this movie, then here’s the links to the columns that lead … Read more
  • The 2023 Annual Predictions!
    I decided to revitalize the Yearly Predictions, started decades ago. So far, none of my predictions have come true. But I figure if I keep swinging, eventually I’ll hit a home run! Entertainment:Reality shows make a comeback! People will love them in 2023. And they won’t just be on the cheap cable channels. Every major network and streaming service will … Read more
  • My Birthday/Xmas Special
    I interrupt my special 10-part episode of explaining why dogs eat poo to present this special holiday column. You see my birthday falls on the day that writers for must submit thier copies for publication, so I asked, “Hey, it’s my birthday, can I skip this week and still get the $1.20 fee for my weekly column. I got … Read more
  • History of the Dog Planet Part IV
    Well, a month ago I set out to explain why some dogs eat their own poo and we ended up with a history of Earth. If your not up to speed, or your just too lazy to read the previous installments, here’s what happened in a nutshell. A mysterious being appeared and lead me to a buried device. I took … Read more
  • History of the Earth Part III
    Last week, I got to witness the first slim, silver, almond eyed Earthlings as they exited the planet before it was consumed by meteors and reduced to a molten rock floating in space. Now, in my timeless state I witness as our planet cools over a millenium. Continents, oceans and vegetation appear, but they don’t look familiar. As time slows … Read more