Jim from Wichita, KS asks:
I’m an Evangelical Christian of the sacred church of the bleeding heart, and I don’t think this Easter bunny things got anything to do with the Church! So where did this Easter Bunny thing get started from anyways?
Although it is common belief that the Easter holiday grew from the traditional Solar Solstice, I have found that the practice of the Easter egg hunt actually does goe back to Biblical times.
I set up a video conference with the great Pastor Bishop Humphrey, who preaches once a year in the abandoned lost city of “New Jerusalem” in Yemen (set up by one of the lost tribes of Israel from when Israelis left Babylon back in the day). Anyways before “New Jerusalem” lay waste to ruins, seven high ranking priests headed in boat toward South Africa, where the Jewish Nation has continued to thrive; however, these Israelis are darker than most.
Maybe someday, if all the tribes of Israel are allowed back into Jerusalem, the age old prophecy will happen. But then again, I think the good lord has a few surprises for Israel and they won’t accept their own people back…preventing the prophecy.
Anyways, I got off the subject.
Pastor Humphrey explained the whole thing to me.
Well it turned out that a loooooong time ago, in prehistoric times, a bunch of folks got their panties all ruffled up because this here Jesus feller was a talkin’ all high-and-mighty-like. Since the Jesus was so clever, he got a bunch of folks all red in the face and angry. So them folks went ahead and beat-up and killed that Jesus feller.
Now after he was kil’t, them folks went and shoved The Jesus in a cave and blocked the entarance with a big rock. Well, that got The God so burned up inside, that he figured he would give the Jesus the breath of life one more time so’s he can go teach them orney feller’s a lesson.
And that’s just what he did.
Only now The Jesus, is stuck in a cave with no way out. So he goes ahead and asks The God to open the cave door.
The God says, in his biggest voice, “Jeeeeez – us, do I have to do everything for you! Figure a way out yourself.”
So the Jesus kicks the dirt and sits down to think. Just then a little rabbit pokes his head down from the roof and looks at the Jesus.
“Hi! My name is Esther! Why so glum, bloke.” she says.
“Hey there, little feller! I’m afraid I’m in a tight spot right now!”
“Can I help?”
“Not unless you can move that big rock,” The Jesus says hopelessly while pointing to the blocked entrance. “I’m stuck in this cave, and I can’t get out.”
“No problem, I’ll dig a hole extra wide and you can crawl out of this here cave. Now since you is The Jesus, just give me a blessing on my head and we’ll call it even.”
So the Jesus blesses the Rabbit so that he will be fruitful and multiply. In thanks, Rabbit gets to diggin’. The Jesus climbs out of the Cave and shakes the Rabbits hand.
Just then, he’s see’s an ambush of Roman guards comin’ his way.
But the Jesus is too quick on his feet for ’em.
He grabs Esther by the feet and twirls her around like a big slingshot and throws her over that ambush’s collective head’s. Then he says a special, Hoo-doo prayer and makes that ol’ Rabbit lay 1000 hard boiled eggs.
Now that ol’ Rabbit ain’t never flown before so she’s just got the biggest grin on her face while she’s glidin’ over them folks with her arms all spread out, like Rocket J Squirl. Round and round she goes with the bombardment of hard boiled eggs comin’ out her arse.
Them eggs hit those Roman guards on their heads and bounce every which way. One by one, them bad fellers heads get to crackin’ open and spillin’ the insides all over them nice magical hard boiled eggs.
Soon them blood splattered eggs had bounced off into places no one would ever imagine. Some went into the bushes, hidden in the grass, some as high as tree limbs. They were everywhere!
Esther glides down on Jesus’ shoulder and the two of ‘em head toward town.
To make a long story short, the Jesus see’s that the town-folk ain’t got enough eats. So he figured it would be a lot of fun if the young-uns get together and make a game out of finding them special colored eggs.
So they all go back to the cave and comence to havin’ the first Esther Egg Hunt, and the tradition has continued to this very day.
And now you know.
Coming Next: How to protect yur’self from harmful bacteria and terrorists!