By Bob Senitram
“Thinking up the nonsense, and then some…”
Before we continue on our scheduled programming…HAPPY 250TH BIRTHDAY USA!!!!
We now resume regular programming.
A few days later, the trainer’s on the phone with Dr. Benson. The man in charge of psychology…and shit.
“I can’t stress this enough, we need someone expendable.”
“We tried expanding a few cadets on a rack, didn’t really work.”
“At least you tried. I need someone we can run circles around.”
“A proxy, a patsy?”
“Yeah-yeah, sure-sure,…a real jerk.“
“I got just the guy, agent Senitram. If no common sense was classified, he’d have top clearance.” The nameless trainer who dies later added.
“Sounds perfect. I’d hate to loose someone worthwhile.”
“I’m reassigning his parking space now.”
“Very few met Dr. Hector and live to tell about it. You’re ok with that?”
“Sir, I’m counting on it…
“Excellent, get the cadet here right away.”
Of course this didn’t happen right away because Bob was getting a haircut.
Soon, but not very soon, Bob is led to Captain Benson’s office where he’s told to wait.
He glances at the wall.
Photos of ink pens, bubble wrap, a list of podcasters, and other assorted things were connected by a maze of colored yarn that eventually led to a black-and-white photo of Hopalong Cassidy.
Then the Captain entered. “Don’t touch that!”
“I wasn’t going to, I was just…”
“Good, it falls apart easy. Take a seat.”
Bob sits. “You’re working on the Hopalong case?”
“Not yet.” The Captain approaches the board on the wall and removes one piece of yarn. “Now we are.”
Just then, the whole works falls on the floor.
“Looks like you got more work to do…” Bob observes.
“We work every case until accounting tells us to stop. I have a job for you.”
“Really?”
“No, not really. It’s more of an errand.”
“That’s more my speed. Hey, sorry I’m late.
“Your not.”
“Then I’m early.” Bob says proudly.
“No, your late.” Captain Benson rubs his forehead in thought. “I remember you…you were in my criminal psych seminar at UNO. I gave you a D.”
“C-minus, sir.”
“That’s right, I was being generous. Anyway, we want you to interview a psycho…”
“Licensed?”
“Unfortunately, and he considered extremely dangerous.”
“Will I be in danger?”
“Probably.”
“Will he hurt me?”
“Probably.”
“Will he try to kill me!?”
“Probably.”
“Will he bite me!!?”
“Only if he likes you.”
“What if he makes me eat a bug!!!?”
“If he tries to make you eat a bug, defend yourself.” Benson hands Bob a gun.
“Against the bug?”
“No. The psycho.”
“What if it’s a really small bug?”
“Use less bullets.”
“Sir, I have every intention to fulfill my mission…but when I joined this agency, nobody told me I’d have to kill anybody.”
“Either that, or your back to cleaning toilets…”
“Well, I do kill germs when I clean the toilets. So I guess it’s kinda the same thing…
Here’s a dossier on the nut-job, and a list of questions we want you to ask. The Captain hands him a folder.
Bob glances at the contents. “Dr. Hector’s been behind bars for a long time. Why now?”
“We have our reasons, your plane to Houston leaves in the morning.”
“Just one question, sir.”
“Yes?”
“Do I have to pay for my own plane ticket?”
“Just try not to miss the plane.”
“Yeah but, cadets don’t get paid much and a plane ticket to Houston would be expensive and on a cadet’s salary…”
“The tickets in the folder, now GET OUT!“
AND NOW YOU KNOW!!!
Solving all the mysteries…
Song in my head:
COMING NEXT: The Squealing of the Pigs, Part 3
Crap Considered is posted each Friday.
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