About that Alaska “balloon”

You may have read about the air force shooting down that “balloon” in Alaska. But In have to tell the REAL story of what happened out there. As you may suspect, this is a gigantic government cover-up.

I know, because I, Bob Senitram, was there!

It just so happens that I’m a member of the Alaskan Caribou of the Month Club. Every year after hunting season, we pack up the kids and head to Talkeeta, Alaska for some well-earned time off and to spy some sweet caribous. I got a card where we check off the different breeds that I spot.

Once we unpacked, we were out to spot caribou’s and drink beer. Eight beers and two caribou’s later, me and the ol’ lady retired for the night.

When morning came, I was woken by a loud rumbling noise coming from outside. In my half-sleep, hungover state, I stumbled to the window to take a look.

That’s when I saw it, a large, strange object hovering in the sky. It had an odd shape and I couldn’t make out what it was. As I watched, it moved slightly, continuing to make a humming sound.

I put some pants on, got a cup of coffee and went outside.

Seemed like the whole population of the resort were out. Looking up in the sky and pointing at the object with awe and confusion.

“What is it?” a bellboy said.

I overheard all sorts of theories about what it could be – aliens, extra-dimensional beings, or an elaborate government experiment gone wrong…you name it.

Just then, I noticed someone who suspiciously looked a lot like Sara Palin with a small crowd around her, so I went closer to see what they were talking about. “I know exactly what that is, we need to call the air-force to shoot it down! It’s obviously a defective Jewish Space Laser and it needs to be taken down.” She was telling the crowd in her Alaskan-white-trash-accent.

I spoke up, “Naw, naw, that ain’t no space laser.”

“Then what is it?” Someone queried.

“It’s aaa…, it’s aaa…, it’s aaaa….balloon.” I replied. “Yeah, that’s it, a balloon. Probably just another spy balloon trying to get Alaska’s cherished caribou secrets…”

“Sure, that’s it…a spy balloon.” he repeated. “See its just hovering, like a balloon.”

We decided to move closer and as we did, we heard strange sounds emanating from the object. It was like nothing I’d ever heard before and had a strangely hypnotic quality to it.

As we got even closer, suddenly the music stopped and we noticed that the lady who looked like Sara Palin, began speaking in an unfamiliar language.

“She’s speaking in tongues…” I heard someone say.

“It’s a gift, a gift from the Lord.” A man said, as he dropped to his knees.

“She ain’t speaking in tongues, she just speaking gibberish as normal…” I replied.

Then a loud voice came from the device. “People of Earth, do not fear. A technical problem has brought us here and soon we will leave. While we are here, we would like to share information with you that will transform your world.” Just then, a grey box about two feet high and four feet wide appeared before me and I took it.

“Hey, that ain’t yours.” A member of the resort staff told me.

“Don’t worry, I’m just gonna put it on the porch.” I replied.

“Maybe it’s some kind of computer thing?” My wife said, who recently joined me outside.

Then the thing in the sky continued, “In a moment we will…”

Shhhhhhhhaaaaaakuuuum!

A missile from jet shot right into it, we were blinded by the light for a moment. It wounded the device further as it slowly started to lower in a staggering fashion.

The voice came again, “What did we just tell you! We just need too…”

Shhhhhhhaaaaaaakuuuum!

Another missile finished it off!

Within a few hours there were helicopters and army folks gathering up everything that fell to the ground. Some representatives came to the resort and told us and the staff that it was just a balloon, and they shot it down…just in case it was a spy balloon.

Then they drove off in their fancy black cars.

Me and the ‘ol lady just smiled and waved…

Sittin’ on that grey box.