Cold Fingers

Well I figured that after explaining how all life on Earth started, I needed a little break. Breaks over and again I have absolutely nothing to write about.

Last week poor Stephen was called out by a fan and was accused of having the weaker gene because he refers to his “ol’ lady” as “the woman,” which is racist…or not right, I think. It’s sort of sad, nobody has written to me with comments so I have to write about someone to wrote to Stephen. I’ll swallow my pride and continue…

I’ve known Stephen for about 20 years and I can confidently say he’s probably the weakest person at just about anything.

It’s because all the cigarettes he smokes. People think he’s wears tinted glasses but they’re just stained from all the smoke. He’s so weak I’ve seen him loose his breath helping me build a CD stand. So whatever the contest, I’m sure his woman is the better. I mean that in a nice way.
Speaking of the wonderful habit of smoking cigarettes, I’m no angel, but I think I have pretty good control of it.

I’ll explain.

Seven years ago, me and my “ol’ lady” lived in Florida. She got a job offer in Nebraska and I thought, cool…a white Christmas, just like the Bing Crosby movie. Snow, Christmas, sounds like fun when your sitting in an apartment next to a golf course in 90 degree weather.

Now I’m tokin’ a smoke outside in “sumthin’” below zero and I’m thinking…not so nice.
But I have to smoke out, because we got the little ones and I don’t want them breathing my second hand smoke.

Besides, I figure if I spend all that money on our house, it would be stupid to ruin the value fillin’ it up with cigarette smoke. So its out to the porch with me. I just had a smoke and my hands are so cold I can barely type.

But at least I don’t chain smoke like Stephen. Ten years ago, I used to wake up with a smokers cough and I could hear a crackle in my lungs when I took a deep breath. I’m no doctor, but I figured that wasn’t good.

Then someone told me about American Spirits cigarettes that are all natural. I started smoking them, although I have to warn you they pack a “wollup.” Then I figured I could save money if I rolled my own. Having good experience rolling alternate smoking materials in my younger days, I figured I was a natural.

Then to save money, I started buying American Spirits in tins (about $12 or so). One tin makes about ten packs of cigarettes. Then I cut back. I smoked one cigarette on the way to work, one on each break, one on the way home, then one about every hour. With the stronger tobacco, that seemed to do the trick.

Then I decided to stop smoking at work. I lost a job where I used to roll my own by hand on breaks, no filters. I think folks thought I was smokin’ joints. No one ever approached me, but I got canned for no reason. On the next job that was it, no more smokes at work.

It was hard at first, but now its normal. No more cigarettes in the car, no more at work. By the time baby gurl was born in Nebraska, I was down to about four or five each night.

On the first Nebraska winter, I was having a smoke in the apartment balcony when it got so cold my fingers shrunk and my wedding ring slipped off and fell to the porch below.

If I came back in with no ring, accusations would fly with various appliances followed by a stream of name calling and tears. But this would only distract my “ol lady” for so long, so I decided to climb down and get what was rightfully mine.

Well it was more of a fall than a climb and before I knew it, lights went on and I heard a woman screaming. I grabbed my ring and jumped. Lying on my back, I saw folks coming out their balconies to see what all the commotion was about, so I ran. I didn’t run to the apartment. I wanted to get them off my trail, so I ran down the driveway, went around the block and then innocently walked back to my apartment.

Since then, I cut it down to two or three each night to avoid drama and because of that darn winter wonderland.

Then it just stuck. Now I smoke two or three a night and I’m good. I buy two tins a year which is now about $25. It’s cheap and my baby gurls are safe and healthy and I no longer have that smokers cough or crackle in my lungs.

I had to have an x-ray a few years ago and the doctor said, “Well, I see your not a smoker.”
I explained I was a smoker, and he looked at my x-rays again and said, “Wow, your lungs look really good.”

So if you’re a chain smoker, stop before you become weak like Stephen. Cut back little at a time and try switching to an all natural tobacco. It seemed to work for me.

But I still freeze my ass off each time I puff. I hope Santa brings me an 80 degree night in January!

Merry Christmas everybody!

COMING NEXT…Nobody really knows?

Bob Senitram

Webmaster and editor of TheWeirdcrap.com. I obtained a bachelors degree in micro-biology around the turn of the century, but was quickly tracked down and forced to return it to its rightful owner and pay a $25 fine. *** A fan of science fiction, I started this website in 1999 as a portal for science fiction stories that have never been published.*** Completely devoid of talent, I decided to call on the public to supply content. Shortly afterwards Stephen and myself started writing weekly columns and have continued to this day.

http://TheWeirdcrap.com

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