I didn’t have a Christmas special to write about this year, so I decided to wait until I finished my Christmas and see what comes. But for those who love the pre-Christmas columns here’s one of my favorites:
Me and my lady went to my sister’s house on Christmas eve. While I was there I noticed, how harsh they are with each other.
My nephew spilled some milk on the floor and right off the bat she yells at him, “Why don’t you watch what your doing you stupid-idiot!”
“Yeah Andy, why do you have to be such a clumsy-idiot!” My other nephew added.
“Shut up Jim…you’re a clumsy idiot.” Andy replied.
“Naw-uh, you’re the clumsy idiot.” Came the next reply.
“Oh yeah, who’s the one who spilled an entire box of Cherios last week.” Andy argued.
“I never did that. Now you’re a lying-clumsy-idiot!” Jim said.
“LIAR JIM!!” Andy screamed…
My mind raced back to the times I was called a “stupid-idiot” by my sister and it was pretty much everyday. Which is fine for me, because unlike a normal person, I didn’t develop into a person with low self-esteem, it just rolled off my back like water on a duck.
When other people were rude to me, it didn’t bother me at all. I just figured they were stupid idiots.
That was until I got married. I learned I had a harsh way with words. In the past I thought I got stuck with overly sensitive women, but as it turns out, I was just a really rude bastard. Oh well, I’ve changed my ways.
Anyways, we go home and I watch the “The Nativity” and learned a few things.
First, I didn’t know Mary was Hispanic. The lady on the movie had to be Mexican, because when she gave birth to the Jesus she yelled, “I ching–gow.” Which I think is cursing in Mexican.
Second, what about the afterbirth? If Jesus was holy, and Mary was holy…would’t the placenta be holy too? Wouldn’t it hold some power?
I think it would.
I figure with that everlasting life flowing in and out of it for nine months, that would be one battery that wouldn’t run out.
Perhaps they fed it to one of the animals in the manger.
I ran upstairs to study the nativity decoration on our mantel…yup, it was a cow.
I figure if that cow ate it, it would become a holy cow and would produce magical moo-moo juice. Now that cow would have reproduced and may have a blood line that exists today producing the magic elixir of power.
So now we have the power of everlasting life in one of two sources, The Placenta of Power, which was probably buried somewhere or in a holy cow.
I think the quest for the Placenta of Power or the Holy After-Birth of Bethlehem, should be the theme of the next Indiana Jones Movie.
Now that I think about it, I can’t believe that with all the Biblical Scholars in the world, none of them have thought to harness the energy from the Placenta of Power…what a bunch of stupid idiots.
And Now You Know!
COMING NEXT: Clean up in isle nine!