Its Not A Popularity Contest!

Johnny Vincent from El Cerrito, CA, asks . “Hey Bob, how can I become as popular as You?

A: . Interesting. Just the other day I was workin’ on my car “jammin'” to “Picking up the Pieces” by the Average White Band (AWB), when my wife (A weird hippy-chick that wears sandals and sun dresses, and sings “Lillith Fair” songs all day long.) says, “You and your old folks music!” She then rolls her eyes (she’s about 12 years younger than me). Of course she meant this in a nice way.

So I think, “Well, I guess I’m no longer the popular ‘hipster’that I used to be. I can still do the “Frantic Kat” a popular dance craze back in the old days. But I guess there’s not much call for that dance now. I figure’ I’d turn on the TV and watch the MTV that all the kids have been talkin’ about, which would show me “what’s – what.”

So I turn on the MTV. Just a bunch of goofy lookin’ teenagers, that needed showers, talkin’ sex this and sex that, then comes ten minutes of commercials. Then blah, blah, more sex talk, and 15 minutes of commercials. Then blah, blah, bla-blah, another commercial and…I changed the channel. Didn’t make any sense to me. A Music TV Station with no music…oh, well.

Then I go down a notch on the dial and find this new TV Station called VH-1. It’s another Music TV Station. I don’t know what the VH stands for, my tv has a VHF…you know with channels that go up to 44 and 56. But VH-1 is not on VHF, it’s on cable. I don’t get it. My video player is VHS, maybe? Oh…never mind.

So this VH-1 didn’t have any videos either, but it did have shows about music. I saw a show called “Behind the Scenes.” It was about a new pop sensation called “The Vanilla Icicle.” He’s a “Wrapper,” whatever that means. I saw another show about the M & M Candy Man, I’m not sure but I think he’s a comedian. I kept waiting for him to do the song by Sammy Davis Jr., but he never did.

Anyway, both of these guys had funny white hair and wore fine fancy accessories. They said “word to yo’ mutha!” all the time. I thought it sounded funny and I tried it…”Honey?” I shouted out of the room.

“Yes dear?”
“Word to yo’ mutha!” I shouted as I giggled like a little school girl.
“Shuddup, you moron,” she replied.

I recalled my last visit to my shrink…maybe it was just a “flashback,” I don’t remember.

“My wife don’t think I’m hip.”
“I see why…”
“I don’t wanna loose her, she’s real pretty. See…” I show him a picture.
“Does she do drugs?”
“Just as I suspected.”
“Any woman that pretty would have to be on some heavy drugs to marry the likes of you. I mean that in a nice way.”
“Is my marriage in trouble?”
“Only if she goes to rehab…you better start as soon as possible, in case that ever happens.”
“Your new image…The new you…The New Bob!
“What do I do?”
“To start, you know that hat you’re wearing?”
“Yup, it’s just like the one Dick Tracy wears, he’s real cool.”
“No he’s not and neither is that stupid hat…”
And so on and so forth…

I needed a new image and I just realized that the Vanilla Icicle and the M & M Candy Man hold the key. “That’s right – word to yo’ mutha’.” First I’ll use the new popular phrase. Next I made my own fancy accessories.

Right now “The New Bob” is sitting at the computer, “that’s right – word to yo’ mutha’.” I got cool sunglasses on, which makes it hard to see, so the brightness is up…full blast! I don’t have a gold chain, instead I cut the ends off of an extension cord (got rid of the plug & socket), then tied each end to a fancy hubcap from the garage. I’m wearin’ it around my neck. I’m a regular “Cool Man Luke.”

My wife just walked by and shook her head.

Oh, yeah.

She’s overcome by my coolness.

“Word to yo’ mutha’.”

And now you know.

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Bob Senitram

Webmaster and editor of I obtained a bachelor's degree in micro-biology around the turn of the century but was quickly tracked down and forced to return it to its rightful owner and pay a $25 fine. *** A fan of science fiction, I started this website in 1999 as a portal for science fiction stories that have never been published. *** Completely devoid of talent, I decided to call on the public to supply content. Shortly afterwards Stephen and I started writing weekly columns and have continued to this day.

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