Chick Shit For Chic Chicks

By Melissa Paternik

Melissa’s columns are all the rage, so now she has her own spot!

Lunatic Columns | Ask Bob | Lunatic Ravings | Chick Shit | Guest Writers

  • I’m back!!!
    I’m back again! I need to clear up some of the misinformation that has been written about me the last two weeks: A) I was in jail, but I never tried to escape nor was I taken hostage. This was a ploy thought up by the guys at this website. What really happened was that I and some of the … Read more
  • A Fugitive From Justice
    Here’s the latest update on Melissa, fugitive from justice, go-go dancer and all-around woman of the world: We hired some cheap investigators to track down Melissa. What they have reported to us is shocking, but typical of Melissa. She is currently travelling with 3 other females, all hardened criminals like herself. Our eyewitnesses reports that they are travelling around the … Read more
  • Finally Out?
    We are sorry to inform those who look forward to Melissa’s words of wisdom every week that she is missing. We were told by prison authorities that she had escaped with 10 other prisoners and a statewide manhunt is in progress. We have no idea why she would escape or how she could have planned it since she has a … Read more
  • I Should be Free Soon!
    I should be a free woman, but I’m still in jail!!! I tried to keep a low profile and I was even allowed to get a prison job cleaning and disinfecting used sanitary napkins for $3.00 a week, but my prison enemy pushed me over the edge once again. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it hadn’t been my … Read more
  • Still in Jail!
    I’m still in jail!! I was only supposed to be in for a week, but my stay was extended because I was in a fight the first day I was incarcerated!!! I was put in a cell with a rather large woman who told me that I going to be her bitch. This excited me because I figured that I … Read more
  • A Little Bit Angry!
    I am a little bit angry right now!! Instead of going on vacation, I am going to have to spend a week in jail because I killed someone!!! I didn’t mean to, but I guess probing myself with a birdbath during my dance routine caused an old man to have a heart attack and die!! I didn’t know this had … Read more
    I am very angry!!! Even though I let myself be probed by some aliens, nobody has been in contact with me to tell my story to people worldwide. I thought I could make some good money due to the probing, but I had to go back to work!!! Thank goodness the manager at the bar likes me, or I don’t … Read more
  • My Cookies Are a Big Hit!
    I still haven’t received any calls from the newspapers about my alien abduction, but I’m sure they’re going to come!! In the meantime, I’ve been having lots of fun!! I am being treated like a star in our trailer park. I have had many people pay me to take pictures of where I was probed!!!! We have made quite a … Read more
  • The Most Incredible Week!
    Hello, I’m back!!!! I just experienced the most incredible week of my life!!! I am a bit shook up about it and it was an experience I will never, ever forget!!!! I was walking home from work in the early morning on 7/20/23. I had just worked for 18 straight hours at the bar and I just couldn’t wait to … Read more
  • Gone Missing?
    You might be expecting something from my wife, but she’s missing. I didn’t notice that she was gone until I started to get hungry and discovered that she had been gone for three days. If anyone knows where she is, please email this website. I think she’s sleeping with that Bob person, but I’m not too sure. I guess they’re … Read more
  • Dear Melissa, Fan Mail!
    “Dear Melissa, I have been married for over 7 years. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel that the spark in my marriage is gone. No matter what I do, my husband doesn’t show any interest. Any ideas on what I should do? Confused in Joplin, MO” This is problem that plagues many marriages. I do have a simple, effective … Read more
  • Forget What I said…Tapeworms!!!
    Poor Ralph!! He had a tapeworm that made him so uncomfortable, that my tip for this week is going to be about getting rid of tapeworms instead of what I promised!! It started when Ralph had diarrhea. Normally this wouldn’t be too abnormal since we live in a trailer park, but this diarrhea was different from all the rest. He … Read more
  • A Special Surprise!
    Good thing our webmaster decided to take a little time off since I promised a special surprise which I wouldn’t have been able to pull off!!! I told Ralph that I wanted to do something special for my readers and he came up with the wonderful idea of raffling off a pair of my panties!! I thought this would make … Read more
  • Career Day!
    I was very proud that I was able to attend career day at a local school!! At first I was a bit apprehensive since I am a dancer, but I figured that since I do live in Nebraska and the only jobs for women in this state are either convenience store clerk or go-go dancer, I could help point the … Read more
  • Wedding Vows!
    Ralph and I decided to renew our wedding vows this past weekend!! We have been married for 5 years and have had our share of problems but have been able to work them out and become closer. Ralph also told me that we would be able to get lots of free food and alcohol from the invited guests. We wanted … Read more
  • The Paint Job!
    Ralph and I decided to paint our trailer since it hadn’t been done for the past 10 years. We thought it was going to be such a simple job, but it turned out harder then we thought!! Ralph went to the paint store and picked up the shade we agreed on, a bright yellow. Yellow is a happy color and … Read more
  • Oops, I did it again!
    Oops!!! Some people got a bit confused on what I was going to write about this week. I guess it came out sounding like I was going to show off my private parts!!! Boy, I am so embarrassed!! I was in a rush to get my column done last week and I didn’t proofread it. My cheeks are red!!! And … Read more
  • Head Cleaning…
    Oh boy, did I ever make a big mistake!! It seems that a lot of people, like Jim N., are confused about what I meant when I said I was going to write about head cleaning!! I did not mean it in a sexual way!! That would be dirty and I am not allowed to write about sexual things. This … Read more
  • Ok To Be Spanked?
    I received a wonderful email from Marissa, regarding my marriage to Ralph, my wonderful husband!! I think Marissa was a bit concerned because Ralph has a tendency to spring surprise tests on me. Don’t worry!! It’s his duty as my husband to do so and it is my duty as his wife to pass these tests!! Ralph has molded me … Read more
  • Quality Time!
    Ralph has been promising me some quality time and it finally happened!!! This past Sunday morning, I came home from a full night of work. Sunday is the day that Ralph and I spend some quality time together since this is the only day that we both have off. Ralph usually wakes up as soon as I start making his … Read more
  • Likes and Dislikes!
    I have received a lot of email regarding the comment I made about lice on the heads of trailer park kids. I didn’t mean to offend anyone, but I was only speaking the truth. I live in a trailer park and I know for a fact that lice is prevalent. I am also sure that the material that is used … Read more
  • My Blackouts!
    Since I do work in a go-go bar, a lot of the patrons ask me what it takes to get me drunk. I can tell you truthfully, it doesn’t take much!! I met my husband Ralph while standing in line at a grocery store. He had been at a bar and had a beer before he went shopping and I … Read more
  • Sewing Tips?
    I was supposed to talk about sewing tips but too be quite truthful, I am not that good with needles and thread. I once had to fix a pair of Ralph’s jeans, but I couldn’t put the thread through the eye of the needle. Since they were his favorite pair, I knew that I would have to fix them somehow, … Read more
  • Time to Talk Gardening!
    Spring is here and it’s time for me to talk gardening!! For many years, Ralph and I have tried hard to cultivate a garden in back of our trailer. Since it is quite hard to grow vegetables in rock, we had to come up with a better plan. One of Ralph’s part time jobs is road cleanup. He travels around … Read more
  • Pimples to Go-Go!
    One of the worst things that can happen if, like me, you are in the go-go dancing profession is the unsightly pimple. I can’t tell you how many times I have been paranoid, while dancing on the stage, that a huge pimple on my ass might decide to pop as I am bending over to pleasure a customer. Imagine the … Read more
  • They Want Pictures of my Ass!
    I received an email from “hoeve” which stated that they like bunnies. Not just bunnies as a whole, but specific parts of the bunny. I like bunnies too and think they are so soft and cuddly!!! “Hoeve”, you are so sweet! What you wrote is the nicest thing anyone has ever written to me, except for the marriage vows that … Read more
  • The First Time!
    I received a nice letter recently from a concerned mom in Kansas. She wrote that her son was 18 and was considering having sex for the very first time. The boy has not ever had sex with anyone before and his mother is concerned that he would contact a disease since it was with a woman who had obviously had … Read more
  • Easter is On its Way!
    Since Easter is only a few weeks away, I figured that this would be the perfect time for some Easter tips!!! I personally think that one of the worst things to do is to buy an actual live bunny. Sure they are cute and furry, but sometimes you just have to turn the cute and furry creatures into a good, … Read more
  • Together Again!
    Well, since I couldn’t sell Dana, it seemed like a good idea to get him a job at a Nebraska meat packing plant where he could meet other kids and make friends! Wouldn’t you know, once Dana started making money, it got its own place to live and didn’t want me around anymore. I know when I’m not wanted, so … Read more
  • No Use Anymore…
    When you have something that is of no use anymore, you sometimes try to sell it in order to make some money. Well, I figured that I had no more use for Dana and since my breasts are becoming very sore from all the feedings, I decided that I could sell my baby, like I did with my seven other … Read more