Chick Shit For Chic Chicks

By Melissa Paternik

Melissa’s columns are all the rage, so now she has her own spot!

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  • Drunken Advice for Drunken Drunkards
    by Submitted by Guest
    Here is some Drunken Advice for Drunken Drunkards, another Chick Shit column submitted by someone who wants to remain anonymous.Why? We have no idea, maybe he/she is wanted by the police. Which would make sense considering our fan base. Without further ado, here it is: The problem with that fist martini is that it disappears too soon. Which makes you want another one.Which likewise disappears too soon. Are you starting to see the problem here?…
  • More Guest Submissions to replace Melissa!
    by Submitted by Guest
    Without Melissa, the emails keeps pouring in and it’s getting harder and harder to pick something for this column. Out of the two we received last week, we decided to go with the one below since it was slightly disturbing. We have nothing against things that are disturbing, but we felt that this went that extra mile for disturbedness (new word!) It’s from someone named Yvonne. We have not idea where’s she from, but can…
  • Chick Shit lives on…
    by Melissa Paternik
    This is third week without Melissa writing the chick shit column, and we’re still happy. The loss of a fellow “human being” shouldn’t necessarily cause extreme happiness, but it does to us, and there’s nothing we can or will do about it. And people keep sending in those guest commentaries! Obviously, they too aren’t that upset about the death of Melissa. It just proves out point that happiness is contagious. We read quite a few…
  • Week 2 without Melissa!
    by Submitted by Guest
    Week 2 without Melissa and everything’s fine in the world. After reading millions of guest commentaries for the “Chick Shit” column, we came across this submission from Jeff. Where Jeff is from we have no idea, but I had a brother named Jeff and he used to beat the shit out of me every chance he got until I got wired on alcohol and cocaine one day after school and started pounding the shit out…
  • Our First Column of Chick Shit without Melissa!
    by Submitted by Guest
    Well, here we go. A new era has begun. With the death of Melissa, we asked for you, our wonderful, loyal reader, to go ahead and send us a commentary. And, boy, did we ever receive a few. It took us minutes to read them all and pick the best. So, read on. Hi. My name is Charles and I’m still in school, so don’t have alot to write about. Here goes. I am going…
  • THIS IS THE END!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Is this the end? Melissa is dead. She is no longer among the living due to choking on her own vomit or accidentally drinking a glass of Drano. Well, that’s our guess. But a conflicting rumor says, she was at her regular 9-5 job when she just plopped over from her desk and hit the floor. Employees figured this was just another one of her stunts to get attention. So they went about their business,…
  • Melissa has her second show!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    You would think that a couple of pieces of duct tape would solve the problem I had with my first show, but it’s me were talking about duct tape is not good enough to solve my problems!! Sure, the customers weren’t squirted in the face with my breast milk at the second show. This was a very good thing since I doubt I can afford to lose this job because, if I do, it’s back…
  • I finally had my first show!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Of course, the first show didn’t go off without a hitch, but I performed to the best of my ability, and I think the people in the audience were very appreciative. I was scared that the crowd wold be like the crowds in the go go bar. Sure, they loved me while I was on stage, but when I was done dancing, I was just another piece of meat with a few extra pennies that…
  • The Surgery!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Hi!!! You’ll be happy to know that my latest surgery was a success!!! I had the first ever neck elongation surgery in the world, and soon I’ll be able to take my show on the road!! I wanted to give you a step by step detail of the surgery, but the doctor had to put me under since I was screaming so much from the pain. The last thing I can remember from the operating…
  • That Darn Bust!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Well, my first show was a complete bust!!! (no pun intended?) I was allowed to perform in front of my fellow prisoners and the warden also bussed in some hardened male criminals from the nearby state penitentiary. I was very excited about this because I couldn’t think of anyone else better to perform to. Imagine having your first show in front of hundreds of sex-starved criminal minded men!!! I can tell you that I was…
  • Something Is Not Quite Right!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Oh well, I’ve had another minor setback!!! For the last week, I felt something wasn’t quite right with me. I thought that I had a tumor or maybe even syphillis, but my eagle-eyed cellmate informed me that my huge boob was getting smaller!! Thank goodness it wasn’t a tumor!! I went to the prison doctor and he told me that I had probably developed an immunity to the side effects caused by the boob growing…
  • My Time in Prison!
    by Melissa Paternik
    The time is almost here!!! In a couple of days I will officially become a freak!!! In the meantime, it’s training time for me. Thank goodness I took that drug that caused my wonderful deformity because prison is pretty boring. Before my boob grew, I would wake up at 6 am every day, pee and go get some breakfast. I am on a cellblock that consists of 20 cells that can hold two people and…
  • I Have an Agent!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Even though I begged and begged, my agent advised me that I should not tell you about any tricks that I can do with my enormous breast since that would stop people from coming to the show and experiencing my boob live. Kind of depressing, but my agent knows best!! I bet you’re asking how and why I now have an agent!! Well, a single (almost!) gal like me needs someone to guide my career…
  • A Slight Setback…
    by Melissa Paternik
    I had a minor setback in my new career!!! All my paperwork was in order for the work release program, when I received word that the travelling freakshow was going to be put on hold for a while because there was a problem with two of the performers. Since this is a high tech travelling freakshow, they had TWO dog people!! What’s even more amazing is that one was male and the other was female!!…
  • I AM A FREAK!!!
    by admin
    I am almost officially a freak!!!! I have been granted a work permit that allows me to leave prison in order to travel to nearby towns as part of a freak show. This is something all women dream of, and now it’s my reality!!! My breast has now grown to an astronomical size and I can barely walk, much less stand upright. This is great!! I only wish I still was a dancer because the…
  • I’m Feeling Much Better!
    by Melissa Paternik
    My name is Melissa and I’m back!!! I was speaking to the doctor at the prison, and he told me that I had been in a coma for almost 2 weeks!! He also mentioned something about me turning stupid(er) due to the coma, but that’s doctor talk which is something I don’t understand!! I read the last couple of my columns and saw that I was a complete loon a couple of weeks ago!!! I…
  • Melissa’s Health…
    by Melissa Paternik
    Hi. My name is Sid Althamar and I am a doctor at the prison where Melissa is currently incarcerated. I did not want to write this, but I felt obliged to since the test drug I gave Melissa had severe side effects and she is close to death. Because of this, I wanted to keep her millions of fans updated. Melissa is a very interesting person and I can understand why she has a following.…
  • What a Difference a Week Makes!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Wow! What a difference a week can make in your life. I thought I was going to have a special guest write this column, but that’s not going to happen since my good friend Jerome is currently acting out some sort of Messiah complex for Stephen’s new religion. This caused me to go into a deep depression and the prison doctor had no choice but to change my medication to something new. After taking this…
  • Melissa Shares Her Confidential Email!
    by Melissa Paternik
    After thinking long and hard about it, I decided to email Bob and Stephen and give them one more chance to correct their evil ways. I felt this would be a show of girl power and prove that us women can’t be pushed around any longer. I sent them an email and was surprised that they both had the guts to reply. It shows that they both truly care!! Stephen has a foul mouth and…
  • Bob Refuses to Fess Up!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I just can’t believe Bob refuses to fess up to our love. After all the years of support for his numerous bad habits, after all the financial difficulties he put us through by me having to bail him out of jail every other weekend and after all the time I spent in the hospital holding his hand while he went through dt’s due to his rampant drug and alcohol abuse, Bob will not fess up…
  • I Come Clean About Bob Senitram!
    by Melissa Paternik
    It’s time to break the silence and I have to come clean! Bob Senitram and I have been in love for a very long time and have had sex even longer!! But, what about my “alien baby”, “Ralph”, “jail’, “topless dancing” and “douching”? Well, all of those (except for the douching and dancing) are fiction!! I am a very normal and well adjusted person. Sure, I’m an exotic dancer but since Bob doesn’t work, I…
  • The Warden is…Jerome!
    by Melissa Paternik
    You’re probably wondering (like me) how Jerome could be the warden of the prison where I am currently incarcerated. After the initial shock wore off, I did some serious thinking while I douched since that has become my hobby and I do my best thinking while I have something stuck in me. Pretty weird, wouldn’t you say? Anyway, the only time Jerome pops up is when Stephen or Bob have a new “job” or experiment…
  • Chicks in Prison!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Back in the old days I loved Chicks in Prison movies. When I was happily married and without the burden of an “alien baby”, Ralph and I would go the local grocery store and rent out a few .99 movies every Tuesday. A majority of the movies were those “chicks in prison flicks”, and while Ralph found them highly erotic, I found them stupid and very fake, but the nudity was nice. Now, I have…
  • The Problem with Girl Problems!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I don’t know what it is, but my girl problems always seem worse during my jail stays!! The last time I was kidnapped and forced to escape and rob banks with my cellmate and her good for nothing friends, and this time I found myself with a nasty, itchy, burning sensation i my groin area which sent me directly to the infirmary. But, thanks to you all, I’ve pulled through!! I swear I have more…
  • Did we cancel Melissa or what?
    by Melissa Paternik
    We regret to inform those that read Melissa’s column, that she is currently deathly ill. So deathly ill, as a matter of fact, she is almost dead. We rejoice! According to Jerome, Melissa was trying out various douches when she came across a douche that did something to her insides. After douching, she started screaming while running around her cell. All Jerome can remember her saying was something along the lines of, “It burns, oh…
  • I Got a Visitor in Jail!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Since I’ve been in jail before, I know exactly how to handle myself and know how to keep out of trouble. Take my word, if one of your fellow inmates wants you to be her bitch, you might as well go with it or there might be some serious problems!! Anyway, I was visited by the jail psychiatrist. She seemed like a nice lady and I felt quite comfortable talking with her. After awhile though,…
  • I’m in a mental hospital!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Believe it or not, I’m in a mental hospital!!! I thought the trial was going my way, especially since I decided to represent myself. I figured that I had watched enough of those law shows on tv to know what I was doing and it would be a great career booster for me. I guess Ralph’s lawyer had other ideas since he basically tore me apart every time I opened my mouth. He would say…
  • Another Trial!
    by Melissa Paternik
    My trial ordeal is lasting a lot longer than I thought it would!! Hopefully it should end within the next week, but I don’t expect the verdict to be in my favor. I guess I am not a particularly good wife and, at this time, I can definitely understand why Ralph would want to get rid of me. It all started when I met my lawyer. Since I don’t have a lot of money, the…
  • My Apology…
    by Melissa Paternik
    I need to apologize to Ralph and to everyone who read my column last week. I know it’s kind of weak, but it was my time of the month, and I lost my head. I guess the feel of the blood dripping from between my legs might have given me this sense of power to do something as insane as beating on my poor, dearest Ralph. I have always had a very good sense of…
  • I Got Caught!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Well, I got caught! I was in the kitchen making Ralph’s dinner when I heard someone screaming outside. I turned off the microwave and ran outside. The screaming continued and I followed it to the back of the trailer and there I saw Ralph lying on the ground with Dana sitting on his chest, tearing at his shirt. I ran over to them, but was a moment too late. Dana had managed to tear the…
  • Almost Busted!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I was almost busted!! I was tending to Ralph in the bedroom, like any good wife would do to THEIR husband, when there came a large crash from right outside our trailer. Ralph yanked my head up from where it was positioned and told me to go outside to see what was going on. I tried to throw on my bathrobe, but Ralph told me it sounded like an important sound and that I didn’t…
  • A Surprise in a Crate!
    by Melissa Paternik
    When I got home yesterday from job hunting, found a large crate on our front porch. I was very happy because I thought it might be the donkey that Ralph has been promising to get so that I can perform shows for his friends. I told him that I wasn’t very good at magic tricks but he told me that there was no magic involved and that with my past history there would be no…
  • I Get My Life in Order!
    by Melissa Paternik
    It seems that every time I get my life in order, someone goes out of their way to upset me. I don’t know why, but I guess a lot of people are happier when I’m depressed. Here’s an email I received recently and you’ll see what I mean: “Hi Melissa, I’ve been a big fan of yours for a long time. I’ve been rooting for you to get your life in order. I’ve laughed with…
  • Getting to Know Ralph Again!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Ralph and I have spent the last week getting to know each other again. It’s been fantastic!!! As soon as we got home, he put me right to work cooking and cleaning. Hey, I’m a woman and that’s what I’m supposed to be doing!! Every so often, he would have me stop working so I could tell him what had happened to me while I was gone, but these moments didn’t last long because he…
  • Just In Time for Valentine’s Day…My Love Story!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I have the perfect Valentine’s story for you! And it couldn’t have come at a better time. I was at the lowest point of my life, thinking that things couldn’t get any worse and then I was rescued by my knight in shining armor!!! Last Thursday, I was scrounging in a garbage can looking for some scraps of food to take home when I noticed a man looking through another garbage can further up the…
  • I am finally rid of Dana!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I was wandering around town trying to find some scraps to eat when I noticed a porn magazine lying in a trash bin. Since I like to read while Dana breast feeds because it takes my mind off the pain of having my body sucked dry, I picked up the magazine thrilled that I would have something to read. As soon as I got home, Dana tackled me and started feeding. I started to read…
  • Sometimes You Have Sell It!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    When you have something that is of no use anymore, you sometimes try to sell it in order to make some money. Well, I figured that I had no more use for Dana and since my breasts are becoming very sore from all the feedings, I decided that I could sell my baby, like I did with my seven other children!!! I went down to the bad part of town where you can sell and…
  • He Hasn’t Run Away or Died!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Well, Dana hasn’t run away or died yet, so I am still without a job. I guess it’s okay though since my breasts are seriously deformed from all the breast feeding and, in my line of work, you definitely need breasts in order to make a buck or two. I’ve been spending the days hanging out in the woods trying not to keep an eye on Dana which is very hard to do especially when…
  • It’s Take Your Kid to Work Day!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Looks like I made a huge mistake bringing my baby to work. I think there also might be something seriously wrong with it since it’s now over 5 feet tall and it’s less than a month old. Instead of calling it “it” all the time, I now call my baby “Dana” since I still don’t know what sex it is and Dana is one of those names that can be used for a girl or…
  • My Big Baby!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Well, my baby has grown to almost 4 feet tall!!! It’s amazing how much it’s grown in only two short weeks!! I don’t know if it’s because of the breast feeding or the fact that we live in the woods, but something strange and marvelous is happening here. The only problem is I still don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl since the sexual organs have still not appeared. I’m debating whether or…
  • My Well Behaved Baby!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Yes, it’s true, I gave birth last week!! On Christmas day I gave birth to a beautiful 33 lb 7 oz baby boy. The actual birth wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be because of the three gentleman who helped me out. Without them, my baby would have come out sideways which would have hurt a lot!! I can remember the feeling of having three pairs of hands rooting around inside me. This…
  • A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!?
    by Melissa Paternik
    From the editors of theweirdcrap.com: On this past Christmas Day, three hunters came across a young lady lying in the weeds next to a cardboard/wooden pallet contraption that beared a slight resemblance to living quarters. The young lady was screaming as a large object was slithering out from between her legs. The hunters were confused on what to do but figured that there was a birthing going on so they decided to help. The pulled…
  • A Christmas Miracle!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I was very depressed the last few days. I couldn’t help but wonder why some of the girls I work with get such nice stuff like virtually rust free Festiva’s and double-wide trailer’s with almost all the windows intact. But what about me? I’m a nice person. I was good to Ralph and look what he did to me!! I walked by our old trailer and saw him through the window with two naked women!!…
  • Baby Pictures?
    by Melissa Paternik
    I got my baby pictures back and they’re not what I expected. The guy that took the pictures told me that they take a long time to develop so he drew me a picture of what he can see from the film. I was expecting my baby to have maybe two heads or at least 4 arms, but the picture is of a normal baby. I don’t know what to do now. I thought I…
  • Baby Pictures…From inside my belly!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I went out and had some pictures taken of the baby in my belly!! I got a great deal from a customer from the bar. When I told him that I was going to a doctor to have him take pictures of my baby, he asked me why I wanted to spend lots of money for a doctor to take the pictures when he would be able to do it for free!! He gave me…
  • My Thanksgiving Present!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I got a present at work on Thanksgiving!! It was a fairly slow day at the bar, what with everyone celebrating the holiday with their families, but since I am so dedicated the owner gave me a old wooden skateboard so I wouldn’t have to walk to work any more. How sweet!! Don’t worry, I did celebrate Thanksgiving when I got off work. With my tips, I went to Burger King and bought a cheeseburger…
  • My New Bundle of Alien Joy!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    There must be some sort of bug going around because I found out that I’m pregnant too!!! When I went to a doctor last week, he ran a few tests and told me to come back the next day. When I did he told me had some good news and bad news for me. I thought that I had herpes or crabs or something like that, but he told me that I was pregnant. Then…
  • Getting Ready For Thanksgiving!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I was going to have a contest with the prize being me for Thanksgiving, but I was told that this might be considered illegal by some people. Sorry guys and gals!! This Thanksgiving will be strange since I will be celebrating it alone. I agreed to work at the bar because the owner has given all the other dancers the day off. Since I was the “low man on the totem pole”, I have to…
  • Ralph and Law Enforcement!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I guess the law enforcement people think that since Ralph hits me in the stomach daily with a 2X4, I am a victim of spousal abuse. At least that is the excuse they gave me before dragging my poor Ralph to jail this past Sunday. No matter how many times I tried to explain that it waspart of my excercise regimen, they just seemed to beat on Ralph that much harder. What makes it worse…
  • Poor Ralph!
    by Melissa Paternik
    My poor Ralph has to spend the next 90 days in jail because the stupid judge thought that it would teach him a lesson. I went to court to support Ralph, never expecting to lose him for a few months. I was a bit hungover because I had just got off work and I know the judge sensed this and took out his anger on Ralph. Ralph put up a good fight, which caused me…
  • My Bloat – Myself
    by Melissa Paternik
    One of the worst problems to have, especially if you’re a go-go dancer, is that bloated feeling from water retention. Whenever that happens, it can make for quite an uncomfortable day!! Well, I have come up with a simple concoction that helps you get through the day!! This came about quite by accident, but it sure works for me. On my “bloaty” days, I need two things; a can of tuna fish (packed in oil)…
  • Phone Sex?
    by Melissa Paternik
    Note: Due to the writer’s strike, we are posting some of Melissa’s favorite columns, including this phone sex deal-e-o! I was going to offer some more tips today, but I haven’t learned any new ones. Sorry if you were expecting that but my life is kind of rough right now and I can’t cater to everyone. Since money is very tight right now, Ralph told me that I had better get another job. He was…
  • A Touching Email…
    by Melissa Paternik
    I received a lovely email from Phil that is so touching: “hey melissa, you kin cum live with me sweety i’ll give you a spot right between me my sister and my mom and the sheep, and don’t you worry about the smell , the sheep’ll just have to get used to it ! love and kisses Phil” Wow. This is a man that knows how to treat a lady!!! I would be in Phil’s…

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