Chick Shit For Chic Chicks

By Melissa Paternik

Melissa’s columns are all the rage, so now she has her own spot!

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  • Who’s That Girl?
    by Yvonne
    Last week I mentioned that girl hanging around TheWeirdcrap headquarters, but I’m not worried about that right now, because I am at peace with myself and the rest of the world. This is unusual for me, but I’ve turned over a new leaf! I have found “The Way,” and it has brought peace unto my life. Verily, verily, I say unto thee, listen. Listen to the words of wisdom and encompass everlasting peace. Of course,…
  • The Other Woman!
    by Yvonne
    There’s a new woman hanging around our Weirdcrap offices and I don’t like her one bit. I don’t know why I don’t like her, and I don’t really care why since I am such a great judge of people. All I know is that she’s trouble and I’m going to do everything in my power to get rid of her. Here’s an email I got from Rob in Mobile, AL: “I have this strange feeling…
  • Yvonnes Ultra-Special, New Year Special, Special!
    by Yvonne
    It’s a new year and I’m back. I’m sure that many of you are more than thankful for that since, without me, your life is meaningless. You look at me as your one ray of hope in your pitiful existence. That’s fine with me. But, sometimes I need a break from those that are less than me which is the reason I took last week off. Yet a lot of you kept hounding me with…
  • A Very Special Heartfelt Christmas Message from Yvonne!
    by Yvonne
    Did you really expect something new on Christmas day? If you did, you really need to get a life. I have better things to be doing then helping others this Christmas Day! Come back next week and maybe I’ll be in a helpful mood. NOW GET LOST! NEXT WEEK: A Very Special New Years Day Special…REALLY!!
  • Do You Love or Hate my Moronic Coworkers?!!
    by Yvonne
    When I can take a moment out of my busy schedule, I try to read columns by my moronic coworkers: “Ask Bob”, “Lunatic Ravings”, or “Spamrider of the Apocalypse”. What I have noticed is that Bob always ends his column with a song, but the others don’t. Over the past few months, I’ve received several emails asking why? Bob’s mind wanders a lot while he writes his column due to his drinking/drug problem. A song…
  • Yvonne Helps through the Busy Holidays!
    by Yvonne
    I am a little bit tired receiving letters from people asking to help out with their pathetic love lives, so I’m going to take a break from helping the less fortunate. Besides, this time of the year is a very bad time to be alone and those that are are pathetic and beyond my help at this time. Since it’s the holiday season and I feel quite festive, I am going to answer a holiday…
  • Yvonne’s Crazy Advice is a Cut Above the Rest!
    by Yvonne
    Another week of pathetic Email from with one person saying I have crazy advice. The nerve! I’m just trying to help people like you, who are begging me to help with their pitiful lives. I’m not complaining. I’m just stating a simple fact. Good thing that I’m around. As soon as I have the entire planet following my advice, I’ll be happier and maybe I’ll be able to smile at a stranger. But for know,…
  • Embracing Gratitude, Good Times, and a Bathtub Full of Beans
    by Yvonne
    I would like to start by embracing gratitude by thanking those of you that recently sent me emails, especially those that were concerned that I might be spending the holiday alone. Quite frankly, it’s really nobody’s business how I spend my holidays! If I want to roll around in a bathtub filled with pork and red beans, that’s my prerogative. I don’t need anyone inviting me over for food and fun because I can find…
  • Thanksgiving Tips and Advice from Yvonne: Expert Holiday Insights
    by Yvonne
    Time for my Thanksgiving Tips. Tip #1: I need to make a clarification to all the stupid people sending me email asking me stupid questions about stupid things: I AM NOT HERE TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR HOLIDAY COOKING. I COULD CARE LESS IF YOUR STUFFING IS TOO DRY, OR IF YOUR SWEET POTATOES ARE NOT CREAMY. SINCE I HAVE PEOPLE COOK FOR ME, I AM NOT PATHETIC LIKE YOU AND STAND AROUND A STOVE…
  • Domestic Advice from the Domestic Goddess!
    by Yvonne
    Your Domestic Queen is back and ready to whip all you bitches into shape. But first let’s start with the biggest bitch of all, Bob. That dimwitted, overweight, drunken, excuse for a man, posted last week’s column again this Wednesday! Last night, I emailed him a scolding letter informing him of his incompetence and DEMANDED that he take that post down and post this one, with this new introduction and backdated it to the appropriate…
  • Yvonne and her Trustworthy Advice to Heartbroken skanks!
    by Yvonne
    Bow to me skanks, for I am back with more advice for all of you who are below me on the evolution ladder. I have been busy lately because I was teaching some “gifted people” the finer points of living life. It was a very hard job especially when I had to show a drooling idiot how to kiss properly. No matter, he’s a better man now. Maybe not smarter, but he is able to…
  • The lovely and Talented Yvonne Takes Over!
    by Yvonne
    Hi, you may call me lovely Yvonne and a new era has started here at this site. I want to welcome myself as the newest staff member to theweirdcrap, and am ready to make a difference in your life. This column will now be written by a normal person. There will no more writings about alien abductions and alien babies. I will not write about my job as a disgusting, low-life stripper. I will not…
  • A Delicious Red Eye Recipe!
    by Submitted by Guest
    Well, this week’s “Red Eye” column is by “he who will remain unknown.” Personally, I think he just didn’t know how to write anonymous. This is the last guest column for the Chick Shit spot. Yvonne says she working on her first official column which will appear next week! Until then, enjoy this edition which helps the ladies mix up a good ol’ Red Eye; because, we all need one once in a while. Or…
  • Why Our Ambition to Launch a Swedish Farm Porn Site Came to an Unexpected Halt!
    by Submitted by Guest
    We had the Swedish Farm Porn all ready to go when we received a well written email from Yvonne. Granted, everyone would rather gaze upon Swedish porn then read something, but we made a promise and, damnit, we stick to our promises. So, read on and see why we are putting out financial future on hold. Instead of making a shitload of money by becoming a porn site, we are going to remain a site…
  • Drunken Advice for Drunken Drunkards
    by Submitted by Guest
    Here is some Drunken Advice for Drunken Drunkards, another Chick Shit column submitted by someone who wants to remain anonymous.Why? We have no idea, maybe he/she is wanted by the police. Which would make sense considering our fan base. Without further ado, here it is: The problem with that fist martini is that it disappears too soon. Which makes you want another one.Which likewise disappears too soon. Are you starting to see the problem here?…
  • More Guest Submissions to replace Melissa!
    by Submitted by Guest
    Without Melissa, the emails keeps pouring in and it’s getting harder and harder to pick something for this column. Out of the two we received last week, we decided to go with the one below since it was slightly disturbing. We have nothing against things that are disturbing, but we felt that this went that extra mile for disturbedness (new word!) It’s from someone named Yvonne. We have not idea where’s she from, but can…
  • Chick Shit lives on…
    by Melissa Paternik
    This is third week without Melissa writing the chick shit column, and we’re still happy. The loss of a fellow “human being” shouldn’t necessarily cause extreme happiness, but it does to us, and there’s nothing we can or will do about it. And people keep sending in those guest commentaries! Obviously, they too aren’t that upset about the death of Melissa. It just proves out point that happiness is contagious. We read quite a few…
  • Week 2 without Melissa!
    by Submitted by Guest
    Week 2 without Melissa and everything’s fine in the world. After reading millions of guest commentaries for the “Chick Shit” column, we came across this submission from Jeff. Where Jeff is from we have no idea, but I had a brother named Jeff and he used to beat the shit out of me every chance he got until I got wired on alcohol and cocaine one day after school and started pounding the shit out…
  • Our First Column of Chick Shit without Melissa!
    by Submitted by Guest
    Well, here we go. A new era has begun. With the death of Melissa, we asked for you, our wonderful, loyal reader, to go ahead and send us a commentary. And, boy, did we ever receive a few. It took us minutes to read them all and pick the best. So, read on. Hi. My name is Charles and I’m still in school, so don’t have alot to write about. Here goes. I am going…
  • THIS IS THE END!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Is this the end? Melissa is dead. She is no longer among the living due to choking on her own vomit or accidentally drinking a glass of Drano. Well, that’s our guess. But a conflicting rumor says, she was at her regular 9-5 job when she just plopped over from her desk and hit the floor. Employees figured this was just another one of her stunts to get attention. So they went about their business,…
  • Melissa has her second show!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    You would think that a couple of pieces of duct tape would solve the problem I had with my first show, but it’s me were talking about duct tape is not good enough to solve my problems!! Sure, the customers weren’t squirted in the face with my breast milk at the second show. This was a very good thing since I doubt I can afford to lose this job because, if I do, it’s back…
  • I finally had my first show!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Of course, the first show didn’t go off without a hitch, but I performed to the best of my ability, and I think the people in the audience were very appreciative. I was scared that the crowd wold be like the crowds in the go go bar. Sure, they loved me while I was on stage, but when I was done dancing, I was just another piece of meat with a few extra pennies that…
  • The Surgery!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Hi!!! You’ll be happy to know that my latest surgery was a success!!! I had the first ever neck elongation surgery in the world, and soon I’ll be able to take my show on the road!! I wanted to give you a step by step detail of the surgery, but the doctor had to put me under since I was screaming so much from the pain. The last thing I can remember from the operating…
  • That Darn Bust!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Well, my first show was a complete bust!!! (no pun intended?) I was allowed to perform in front of my fellow prisoners and the warden also bussed in some hardened male criminals from the nearby state penitentiary. I was very excited about this because I couldn’t think of anyone else better to perform to. Imagine having your first show in front of hundreds of sex-starved criminal minded men!!! I can tell you that I was…
  • Something Is Not Quite Right!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Oh well, I’ve had another minor setback!!! For the last week, I felt something wasn’t quite right with me. I thought that I had a tumor or maybe even syphillis, but my eagle-eyed cellmate informed me that my huge boob was getting smaller!! Thank goodness it wasn’t a tumor!! I went to the prison doctor and he told me that I had probably developed an immunity to the side effects caused by the boob growing…
  • My Time in Prison!
    by Melissa Paternik
    The time is almost here!!! In a couple of days I will officially become a freak!!! In the meantime, it’s training time for me. Thank goodness I took that drug that caused my wonderful deformity because prison is pretty boring. Before my boob grew, I would wake up at 6 am every day, pee and go get some breakfast. I am on a cellblock that consists of 20 cells that can hold two people and…
  • I Have an Agent!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Even though I begged and begged, my agent advised me that I should not tell you about any tricks that I can do with my enormous breast since that would stop people from coming to the show and experiencing my boob live. Kind of depressing, but my agent knows best!! I bet you’re asking how and why I now have an agent!! Well, a single (almost!) gal like me needs someone to guide my career…
  • A Slight Setback…
    by Melissa Paternik
    I had a minor setback in my new career!!! All my paperwork was in order for the work release program, when I received word that the travelling freakshow was going to be put on hold for a while because there was a problem with two of the performers. Since this is a high tech travelling freakshow, they had TWO dog people!! What’s even more amazing is that one was male and the other was female!!…
  • I AM A FREAK!!!
    by admin
    I am almost officially a freak!!!! I have been granted a work permit that allows me to leave prison in order to travel to nearby towns as part of a freak show. This is something all women dream of, and now it’s my reality!!! My breast has now grown to an astronomical size and I can barely walk, much less stand upright. This is great!! I only wish I still was a dancer because the…
  • I’m Feeling Much Better!
    by Melissa Paternik
    My name is Melissa and I’m back!!! I was speaking to the doctor at the prison, and he told me that I had been in a coma for almost 2 weeks!! He also mentioned something about me turning stupid(er) due to the coma, but that’s doctor talk which is something I don’t understand!! I read the last couple of my columns and saw that I was a complete loon a couple of weeks ago!!! I…
  • Melissa’s Health…
    by Melissa Paternik
    Hi. My name is Sid Althamar and I am a doctor at the prison where Melissa is currently incarcerated. I did not want to write this, but I felt obliged to since the test drug I gave Melissa had severe side effects and she is close to death. Because of this, I wanted to keep her millions of fans updated. Melissa is a very interesting person and I can understand why she has a following.…
  • What a Difference a Week Makes!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Wow! What a difference a week can make in your life. I thought I was going to have a special guest write this column, but that’s not going to happen since my good friend Jerome is currently acting out some sort of Messiah complex for Stephen’s new religion. This caused me to go into a deep depression and the prison doctor had no choice but to change my medication to something new. After taking this…
  • Melissa Shares Her Confidential Email!
    by Melissa Paternik
    After thinking long and hard about it, I decided to email Bob and Stephen and give them one more chance to correct their evil ways. I felt this would be a show of girl power and prove that us women can’t be pushed around any longer. I sent them an email and was surprised that they both had the guts to reply. It shows that they both truly care!! Stephen has a foul mouth and…
  • Bob Refuses to Fess Up!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I just can’t believe Bob refuses to fess up to our love. After all the years of support for his numerous bad habits, after all the financial difficulties he put us through by me having to bail him out of jail every other weekend and after all the time I spent in the hospital holding his hand while he went through dt’s due to his rampant drug and alcohol abuse, Bob will not fess up…
  • I Come Clean About Bob Senitram!
    by Melissa Paternik
    It’s time to break the silence and I have to come clean! Bob Senitram and I have been in love for a very long time and have had sex even longer!! But, what about my “alien baby”, “Ralph”, “jail’, “topless dancing” and “douching”? Well, all of those (except for the douching and dancing) are fiction!! I am a very normal and well adjusted person. Sure, I’m an exotic dancer but since Bob doesn’t work, I…
  • The Warden is…Jerome!
    by Melissa Paternik
    You’re probably wondering (like me) how Jerome could be the warden of the prison where I am currently incarcerated. After the initial shock wore off, I did some serious thinking while I douched since that has become my hobby and I do my best thinking while I have something stuck in me. Pretty weird, wouldn’t you say? Anyway, the only time Jerome pops up is when Stephen or Bob have a new “job” or experiment…
  • Chicks in Prison!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Chicks in Prison by Melissa Paternick I love Chicks in Prison movies. When I was happily married and without the burden of an “alien baby”, Ralph and I would go the local grocery store and rent out a few .99 movies every Tuesday. A majority of the movies were those “chicks in prison flicks”, and while Ralph found them highly erotic, I found them stupid and very fake, but the nudity was nice. Now, I…
  • The Problem with Girl Problems!
    by Melissa Paternik
    My girl problems always seem worse during my jail stays!! The last time I was kidnapped and forced to escape and rob banks with my cellmate and her good for nothing friends, and this time I found myself with a nasty, itchy, burning sensation i my groin area which sent me directly to the infirmary. But, thanks to you all, I’ve pulled through!! I swear I have more friends out in internet land than I…
  • Did we cancel Melissa or what?
    by Melissa Paternik
    We regret to inform those that read Melissa’s column, that she is currently deathly ill. So deathly ill, as a matter of fact, she is almost dead. We rejoice! According to Jerome, Melissa was trying out various douches when she came across a douche that did something to her insides. After douching, she started screaming while running around her cell. All Jerome can remember her saying was something along the lines of, “It burns, oh…
  • I Got a Visitor in Jail!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I got a Visitor in Jail! by Melissa Paternick Since I’ve been in jail before, I know exactly how to handle myself and know how to keep out of trouble. Take my word, if one of your fellow inmates wants you to be her bitch, you might as well go with it or there might be some serious problems!! Anyway, I was visited by the jail psychiatrist. She seemed like a nice lady and I…
  • I’m in a mental hospital!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Believe it or not, I’m in a mental hospital!!! I thought the trial was going my way, especially since I decided to represent myself. I figured that I had watched enough of those law shows on tv to know what I was doing and it would be a great career booster for me. I guess Ralph’s lawyer had other ideas since he basically tore me apart every time I opened my mouth. He would say…
  • Another Trial!
    by Melissa Paternik
    My trial ordeal is lasting a lot longer than I thought it would!! Hopefully it should end within the next week, but I don’t expect the verdict to be in my favor. I guess I am not a particularly good wife and, at this time, I can definitely understand why Ralph would want to get rid of me. It all started when I met my lawyer. Since I don’t have a lot of money, the…
  • My Apology…
    by Melissa Paternik
    I need to apologize to Ralph and to everyone who read my column last week. I know it’s kind of weak, but it was my time of the month, and I lost my head. I guess the feel of the blood dripping from between my legs might have given me this sense of power to do something as insane as beating on my poor, dearest Ralph. I have always had a very good sense of…
  • I Got Caught!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Well, I got caught! I was in the kitchen making Ralph’s dinner when I heard someone screaming outside. I turned off the microwave and ran outside. The screaming continued and I followed it to the back of the trailer and there I saw Ralph lying on the ground with Dana sitting on his chest, tearing at his shirt. I ran over to them, but was a moment too late. Dana had managed to tear the…
  • Almost Busted!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I was almost busted!! I was tending to Ralph in the bedroom, like any good wife would do to THEIR husband, when there came a large crash from right outside our trailer. Ralph yanked my head up from where it was positioned and told me to go outside to see what was going on. I tried to throw on my bathrobe, but Ralph told me it sounded like an important sound and that I didn’t…
  • A Surprise in a Crate!
    by Melissa Paternik
    When I got home yesterday from job hunting, found a large crate on our front porch. I was very happy because I thought it might be the donkey that Ralph has been promising to get so that I can perform shows for his friends. I told him that I wasn’t very good at magic tricks but he told me that there was no magic involved and that with my past history there would be no…
  • I Get My Life in Order!
    by Melissa Paternik
    It seems that every time I get my life in order, someone goes out of their way to upset me. I don’t know why, but I guess a lot of people are happier when I’m depressed. Here’s an email I received recently and you’ll see what I mean: “Hi Melissa, I’ve been a big fan of yours for a long time. I’ve been rooting for you to get your life in order. I’ve laughed with…
  • Getting to Know Ralph Again!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Ralph and I have spent the last week getting to know each other again. It’s been fantastic!!! As soon as we got home, he put me right to work cooking and cleaning. Hey, I’m a woman and that’s what I’m supposed to be doing!! Every so often, he would have me stop working so I could tell him what had happened to me while I was gone, but these moments didn’t last long because he…
  • Just In Time for Valentine’s Day…My Love Story!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I have the perfect Valentine’s story for you! And it couldn’t have come at a better time. I was at the lowest point of my life, thinking that things couldn’t get any worse and then I was rescued by my knight in shining armor!!! Last Thursday, I was scrounging in a garbage can looking for some scraps of food to take home when I noticed a man looking through another garbage can further up the…
  • I am finally rid of Dana!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I was wandering around town trying to find some scraps to eat when I noticed a porn magazine lying in a trash bin. Since I like to read while Dana breast feeds because it takes my mind off the pain of having my body sucked dry, I picked up the magazine thrilled that I would have something to read. As soon as I got home, Dana tackled me and started feeding. I started to read…
  • Sometimes You Have Sell It!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    When you have something that is of no use anymore, you sometimes try to sell it in order to make some money. Well, I figured that I had no more use for Dana and since my breasts are becoming very sore from all the feedings, I decided that I could sell my baby, like I did with my seven other children!!! I went down to the bad part of town where you can sell and…
  • He Hasn’t Run Away or Died!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Well, Dana hasn’t run away or died yet, so I am still without a job. I guess it’s okay though since my breasts are seriously deformed from all the breast feeding and, in my line of work, you definitely need breasts in order to make a buck or two. I’ve been spending the days hanging out in the woods trying not to keep an eye on Dana which is very hard to do especially when…
  • It’s Take Your Kid to Work Day!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Looks like I made a huge mistake bringing my baby to work. I think there also might be something seriously wrong with it since it’s now over 5 feet tall and it’s less than a month old. Instead of calling it “it” all the time, I now call my baby “Dana” since I still don’t know what sex it is and Dana is one of those names that can be used for a girl or…

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