Chick Shit For Chic Chicks
By Melissa Paternik
Melissa’s columns are all the rage, so now she has her own spot!
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- Easter is On its Way!by Melissa PaternikSince Easter is only a few weeks away, I figured that this would be the perfect time for some Easter tips!!! I personally think that one of the worst things to do is to buy an actual live bunny. Sure they are cute and furry, but sometimes you just have to turn the cute and furry creatures into a good,…
- Together Again!by Melissa PaternikWell, since I couldn’t sell Dana, it seemed like a good idea to get him a job at a Nebraska meat packing plant where he could meet other kids and make friends! Wouldn’t you know, once Dana started making money, it got its own place to live and didn’t want me around anymore. I know when I’m not wanted, so…
- No Use Anymore…by Melissa PaternikWhen you have something that is of no use anymore, you sometimes try to sell it in order to make some money. Well, I figured that I had no more use for Dana and since my breasts are becoming very sore from all the feedings, I decided that I could sell my baby, like I did with my seven other…
- What to do with Dana?by Melissa PaternikWell, Dana hasn’t run away or died yet, so I am still without a job. I guess it’s okay though since my breasts are seriously deformed from all the breast feeding and, in my line of work, you definitely need breasts in order to make a buck or two. I’ve been spending the days hanging out in the woods trying…
- Bring Your Kid to Work Dayby Melissa PaternikLooks like I made a huge mistake bringing my baby to work. I think there also might be something seriously wrong with it since it’s now over 5 feet tall and it’s less than a month old. Instead of calling it “it” all the time, I now call my baby “Dana” since I still don’t know what sex it is…
- My Growing Baby!by Melissa PaternikWell, my baby has grown to almost 4 feet tall!!! It’s amazing how much it’s grown in only two short weeks!! I don’t know if it’s because of the breast feeding or the fact that we live in the woods, but something strange and marvelous is happening here. The only problem is I still don’t know if it’s a boy…
- I Had a Baby!by Melissa PaternikYes it’s true, I gave birth last week!! On Christmas day I gave birth to a beautiful 33 lb 7 oz baby boy. The actual birth wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be because of the three gentleman who helped me out. Without them, my baby would have come out sideways which would have hurt a lot!! I…
- What Ever Happened to Melissa?by Melissa PaternikHere’s the latest update on Melissa, fugitive from justice, go-go dancer and all around slut: We hired some cheap investigators to track down Melissa. What they have reported to us is shocking, but typical of Melissa. She is currently travelling with 3 other females, all hardened criminals like herself. Our eyewitnesses reports that they are travelling around the state stopping…
- My Beef With Bob…by Melissa PaternikI am very upset with Bob!! He claims that I said that he owes me money for performing sexual favors on him during our Christmas party last year. This is not true!!! It’s true I was in the bathroom with a couple of men, but I was only doing my job!!! I did not request payment of any sort from…
- Wedding Vows!by Melissa PaternikRalph and I decided to renew our wedding vows this past weekend!! We have been married for 5 years and have had our share of problems but have been able to work them out and become closer. Ralph also told me that we would be able to get lots of free food and alcohol from the invited guests. We wanted…
- My Drinking Habit…by Melissa PaternikSince I do work in a go go bar, a lot of the patrons ask me what it takes to get me drunk. I can tell you truthfully, it doesn’t take much!! I met my husband Ralph while standing in line at a grocery store. He had been at a bar and had a beer before he went shopping and…
- An Unexpected Visit!by Melissa PaternikOne of the worst things that can happen if, like me, you are in the prostitution/go go dancing profession is the unsightly pimple. I can’t tell you how many times I have been paranoid, while dancing on the stage, that a huge pimple on my ass might decide to pop as I am bending over to pleasure a customer. Imagine…
- My Phone Sex Businessby Melissa PaternikI thought the phone sex business I started was going to make lots of money until my next door neighbor asked me how I would know if the credit card numbers were good. Credit card numbers? Why would I need those? My neighbor explained that the callers are supposed to use a credit card to get me to talk dirty…
- Aliens, Jail and Probes, Oh my…by Melissa PaternikWhen I got home early Sunday morning from work, I was surprised when I noticed that Ralph was not home. I called around the trailer park but nobody knew where he went. I finally went to bed figuring that he probably went hunting and forgot to tell me. He finally showed up early Sunday afternoon. The first thing I noticed…
- My New Year’s Eve Partyby Melissa PaternikIn this edition of Chick Shit for Chic Chicks I would like to tell you about our New Year’s Eve party. Which was quite a success, unlike last year when Mr. Patton, our elderly next-door neighbor, was tragically killed. Ralph accidentally shot him as he sat in his lawn chair watching the end of the millennium fireworks. Ralph meant to…
- My New Job at the Go-Go Bar!by Melissa PaternikI completed my first full week of work at the go-go bar. I made $27.00 in tips for the whole week, and I think that is pretty darn good. I did have some small problems, though. The owner told me I had to start using the pole a bit more. The first time I tried to swing around on it,…
- Hollarwein is Over…by Melissa PaternikI received a lovely email from Phil that is so touching: “hey melissa, you kin cum live with me sweety i’ll give you a spot right between me my sister and my mom and the sheep, and don’t you worry about the smell , the sheep’ll just have to get used to it ! love and kisses Phil” Wow. This…
- Question 27?by Melissa PaternikMelissa PaternikI was going to write something to do with hygiene tips, but I am having problems with my GED studies so I decided to discuss that instead. I always thought that the GED test was the same for everyone, but I was wrong. I was taking a practice test and I was having a problem with one of the…
