The History of Earth, Part I

In answering last weeks question, “Why do dogs eat shit,” I find it necessary to provide the history of our planet in order to get to the bottom of it all.

After a dream about big bullum-headed, almond eyed aliens exiting a planet, I wanted answers. Then a being appeared to me and directed me to a sacred spot in a Nebraska cornfield and I was instructed to dig.

So I dug and dug, and then dug some more. I was at least 6 feet down, when I decided to take a break. Just when I thought of a nice rest, a ladder appeared behind me, so I climbed out. I reached the top thinking a nice cool glass of water would be nice.

Just as I sat to catch me breath, I saw a thermos out of the corner of my eye. Sure enough it was filled with ice cold water. Funny how whatever I think of, just appears, but always just outside my line of vision. So I never saw the shovel, ladder, or water materialize, I just turn around and its there.

“So what am I looking for.” I ask the floating entity above me.

“Answers.” He said.

“I know, but am I looking for a book, a tape recorder, or some other type of machine…a battery maybe?”

“You’ll know when you find it.” He replied.

“Ok, keep your mysteries.” I answered. “Say, with all this stuff appearing magically, why don’t you just conjure up what we’re looking for?”

“It doesn’t work that way.” He answered, as he looked toward the hole.

“I know, I know…dig.” I said as I started down the ladder.

A half hour later I hit something. Good timing too, my arms were loosing all thier strenght…limp noodles, I couldn’t dig anymore if my life depended on it.

“I’m gonna be really sore in the morning.” said to myself as I pulled dirt from a bullet shaped time capsule about 3 feet long and maybe 1 1/2 feet wide. When I cleared enought dirt away, I put the shovel as far under it as I could and put my weight on the end of the handle.

It slowly edged out. I picked it up just fine. Even in my weakened state, it didn’t seem to weigh much.

I turned to the ladder and now it was a good 2 feet longer than it was before. Just big enough to reach the top. I gave the wooden ladder a good look over. I wasn’t an extension ladder, just an old fashioned wood ladder…only now longer than it was before.

I plopped the capsule on the ground at the feet of the entity.

“Shama-lama, shamma-lamma…booly-booly, wooly-boolleeeeeeeeeeey, wooly-booly, pooly-wooly, shlamma-schlamma-schlamma.” I said with my hands raised about the artifact.

“What the hell are you doing.” The entity asked.

“I’m speaking in tongues…I saw it on gospel tv once…I’m trying to communicate with a higher power over here!”

“Well knock it off…I’m the only higher power you need…put it in the car.”

So I put it in the trunk. Just as I slammed the trunk down, I noticed the sun coming up.

Soon, I was unloading the time-capsule-thing from my car.

“You’ll need to connect this to your computer…”

“You’re the boss…” I replied as I lifted it.

So I carry it to my work room, study…place I work from home-from. “Well, how do I hook it up?” I asked.

Wouldn’t you know it, a usb cord is now sticking out of the thing. I power up my PC, and head upstairs.

“Where are you going?” He asked.

“I need a cup of…” just as I started to say it, I see a nice hot strong cup of coffee on the table next to my monitors.

“Show-off…” I say, as I take a swig and plug the device to my pc.