Holy Business tips

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Some time ago I had an email that asked how a good Christian can apply his ideals to the workplace. I spent a good two years thinkin’ ’bout this on account that I hadn’t had a job in 5 years and I’m not a Christian.

But fear not, TV came to the rescue…and just in time!

Recently, God helped me answer your question by directing me to a TV show where a man told me to give my credit card number to the Blessed, Sacred, Bleeding Heart Church of the First Adventist Worshipers of the Jesus, son of the Glorious Mother Mary of God we Trust , Church, Inc. (otherwise known as, BSBH-CFAW-JGMM-GTCI which doesn’t spell anything but it is the same amount of digits of most credit cards.).

That preacher on the TV said they wouldn’t take money from my credit card unless God answered my prayers. It seemed like a safe bet to me and I would be helping them do Gods good work.

In fact I saw some of that work, that they were doin’ for the almighty, right there on the TV! First the preacher laid hands on a man’s forehead said some silly words and the man fell right to the ground. That seemed to make sense ’cause he was crippled, but then he go right up and walked! Wow! Thank’s Jesus!

After a while that preacher was on a roll, he didn’t even have to put his hands on people…he just pointed at ’em, and they went flyin’ down in the name of the Lord. It was just like watching a real live Darth Vader, only it was a good Darth Vader workin’ for the Lord!

I am certain everything that happened was true, because it was on TV. I was so impressed with this I called right away and gave him my credit card number. Furthermore, it has changed my life. Now, I only go to Christian Bookstores, and I only listen to Christian Music, and I only drink milk from a Christian Cow.

And do you know, just when I was about to give up hope, I recieved several special inspired messages from the Lord. This is what the God told me, who worked thru the Jesus, who divinely went thru three people to spread his holy words to me by email.

The first email said you gotta get a job, this is very important because it gives you purpose. Then after you get a job, try real hard to keep it. Your hard work will be rewarded by the Jesus and your employer (who will be required to promote you or face the wrath of God). I am sure that this is true because I’m always reading about people who go into their workplace with some kind of semi-automatic weapon to help the Jesus carry out that wrath.

Eventually you will become a boss. As the Boss, you gotta run a tight ship, cause the Jesus don’t like no sloppy ships.

The second email explained how to run a nice tight ship at work once your the boss. I assume that these suggestions should become holy law, because I prayed to the Blessed Mother of the holy Jesus, and this was the answer I got. The writer of these holy laws was Bo-Derek, or Bou-hampton or something.

Actually, I forgot his name. After sending me the instructions, I asked for his name, ’cause I didn’t know who he was. He sent it to me, but then I forgot.

So the next day, I asked him to send me an email with his name so I can give him proper credit. He did, but then I lost it. So two days later, I asked him to send me his name again. He called me stupid and told me to print the last email he sent. So I did and I put the printed email in my back pocket.

Over the weekend I forgot about the email and I washed those pants. Now my note is just a dried up little clump of paper and I still don’t know his name. I checked my email and I already deleted it. Oh, well.

If I remember to get his name later, I’ll put it here __________.

These are the business tips sent to me by the Almighty God, Amen:

Lead a training session by asking plenty of questions. They can help you clarify misunderstandings, increase employee retention and create a more lively, interactive learning environment.

Make the most of your questions by using these holy techniques:

1) Post guards at the door that are fanatically loyal.

2) Reveal your biases and strongly hint at the answer you’re seeking.

3) Create the impression that you encourage free-flowing ideas, but really don’t.
For example: Someone offers an idea, rather than asking “How can we implement and improve on this great idea?” try “What is your problem?” Then encourage more input. When someone provides an idea in writing, be sure to crumple it in a ball, throw it away, then ask for more suggestions.

4) Direct questions at all the participants. Speak to the whole group, then choose someone to answer.

5) Make sure your guards are very big and nasty looking. When someone says something you don’t like have the guards escort the person out. They will never be seen again. If no one says anything objectionable, pick someone at random. Everyone will pay attention because no one will know who you’ll pick next to go outside.

6) Speak up. Moses didn’t whisper those ten commandments! Don’t bury your question in a rambling monologue. Pause briefly before and after you state the question, and speak slowly so that everyone can hear.

7) If you sense trainers need time to absorb what you’re asking, repeat the question over and over and over.

8) Don’t be afraid to scream.

9) Don’t instantly stamp participant responses as “good” or “bad.” Instead apply the idea in a working model that fails miserably. This way you can reject the idea and humiliate the person at the same time.

10) If someone’s input is too vague or confusing, let group members struggle with the subject matter until everyone is confused and you all decide to just drop it.

I don’t know if these ideas will ever accomplish anything, but I’m just the messenger. I’m sure God wouldn’t have put those ideas in my head if it wern’t fur a reason!

And now you know!


Bob Senitram

Webmaster and editor of TheWeirdcrap.com. I obtained a bachelor's degree in micro-biology around the turn of the century but was quickly tracked down and forced to return it to its rightful owner and pay a $25 fine. *** A fan of science fiction, I started this website in 1999 as a portal for science fiction stories that have never been published. *** Completely devoid of talent, I decided to call on the public to supply content. Shortly afterwards Stephen and I started writing weekly columns and have continued to this day.


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