Terror on the High Seas! A.k.a. The Bionic Woman does Dallas

I kept promising a new episode of “The Bionic Woman”, but I haven’t bothered; now my back is against the wall since the writer’s strike is about to end! The new season is about to end, so I guess all we’ll get is one cliff-hanger, then its wait til’ next year.

All the more reason you should be enjoying the many years of fine fiction featured here at TheWeirdcrap.com!

Here’s how the new episode starts, Jaime Somers wakes up from a deep sleep…and what the…?

She’s in a cabin, in a big luxury liner!

She knows it’s a luxury liner because she looks out the window and see’s Kathy Lee Gifford conducting 50 poverty stricken Asian kids while they sing, “If my friends could see me know…”

After the number, Kathy personally gives each kid a vanilla wafer and a nickel for their hard work. Which is a really nice thing to do.

Jaime (the bionic woman) has no idea what she’s doing on the ship, so she takes here Blue’s Clues notepad, a handy pen, and leaves her cabin seeking clues.

She wanders to the lower decks only to discover Irish immigrant workers dancing a jig to old Celtic tunes while drinking moonshine. After a few swigs, she finds the moonshine made from dirty laundry water and decomposing figs – unsatisfying.

She stagers to the top-deck where she finds Isaac, the bartender. She does a few stiff shots and using her bionic ears, listens to the Doc tell Isaac what a nice piece of ass she is. Captain Stubing, tells Doc to quite messing around and orders him to baby-sit his daughter who is now 34 and pregnant.

Tired of this banter, she goes back to her cabin to use one of her super-computer thingy’s to call back to super-hideout-HQ and find out what the heck she is doing on that boat! As she turns her back to the ocean to go downstairs she fails to notice the perfect tsunami wave, followed by the perfect storm, which we all see coming clear as day.

She gets into her cabin, picks up her high tech gear, when…blam!

The whole cabin gets knocked sideways! She would have been crushed by a big…a big…thing. But she uses her bionic arm and “shung-shung-shung-shung-shung” pushes it out of harms way!

Knowing her bionic powers will be needed she races to the top-deck where she untangles life boats, tosses them in the water (with people) and saves hundreds of lives with her bionic powers -“shung-shung-shung-shung-shung”.

She hears a crying baby with her –“bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep: bionic ear. She jumps into the freezing water and swims to the lower decks kicking obstacles out of her way –“shung-shung-shung-shung-shung”, finds the baby and takes it to the top deck and gently places it into a the last life-boat.

After all this Jaime and the remaining people have no place to go. They go down with the ship and Jaime breaks chunks of wooden stuff for people to hang onto. Looks like everyone is saved thanks to our hero; however, because the Captain was pre-occupied, he never radioed for help.

After several hours of drifting out in sea, Jaime watches as passengers start to give in to hypothermia and drift into the sea where they drown.

Deciding she would rather bleed to death than drown, our hero pulls a piece of metal from the piece of boat she and others are floating on. It’s nice and sharp.

Deciding the most humane thing to do is to put goners out of their misery before they down. She slits the necks of everyone on her driftwood.

She then uses her bionic legs to jump from drift-wood to drift-wood where she mercilessly slashes and breaks necks of everyone in sight.

With her killing of mercy finished, Jaime, exhausted, finds herself unable to kill herself as she slowly drifts down, in the icy depths below. As she looks up she can see sunlight begin to break thru the murky water. Darkness overcomes her as she drifts into unconsciousness.

At that moment she opens her eyes! Alive! Alive!

But how?

Looking around she sees she is not in the water but standing on top of a subway seat! The sound of the rolling wheels must have rocked her into sleep. Just as she notices the train slowing to stop, she notices something else.

She has a sharp, bloody piece of metal in her hand. Looking around, she see’s scores of dead bodies whose necks have been slashed or broken.

Slowly, she stands. Goes to the next car…the same thing. Another car…dead…all dead.

The train slowly comes to a stop, the door opens and is quickly filled with police officers waiting for the lunatic train slasher.

THE END

And Now You Know!

COMING NEXT: Who’s this Ron Paul guy?

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