Spamrider of the Apocalypse
By Spamrider of the Apocalypse
Our newest member to join our cast of Lunatics!
Spamrider of the Apocalypse is just some crazy dude who contacted us out of the blue one day claiming to be a time traveler. Neither me or Steve had ever heard of him before, so we don’t know if he’s ACTUALLY crazy or what, but he’s definitely weird.
Lunatic Columns | Lunatic Ravings | Chick Shit | Ask Bob | Guest Writers | Column Archives
- Still More Shit Schmelnoz Saysby SpamriderSchmelnoz said something to me once that I didn’t really understand but I nonetheless found very intriguing. He said that humans are the only known species in the universe who relentlessly pursue amnesia. He also said some other things too but I’ve mostly managed to forget them all. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
- Divine Wrathby SpamriderThere are a lot of people running around talking about God’s Wrath and The End of the World and shit like that. Which is fine if that’s how they want to look at it I guess, but personally I don’t see the point in pinning the blame for anything that’s going on God. Now granted, there’s some terrible, horrendous shit about to come on this earth and that’s for certain. But almost all of it’s…
- Three Things of Which There Are No Degreesby SpamriderThere are three things I can think of of which there are no degrees. 1.) Originality2.) Perfection3.) Infinity 1.) Originality I have a friend who says it makes him crazy when people refer to things as being “very original,” or “the most original”. And he’s right. He is crazy. 2.) Perfection Even though people might occasionally refer to one specimen as being “more perfect” than another, what they are really saying is that it is…
- The Planckojiffyby SpamriderThe shortest unit of time recognized by The Interuniversal Transdimensional Time Travel Council of Geneva, Wisconsin (or ITTTC) is the Planckojiffy*. And the reason that the Planckojiffy is the shortest recognized unit of time is because the Planckojiffy just so also happens to be the shortest unit of time that can ever possibly be measured. A Plackojiffy is equal to the amount of time that it takes for light to travel through a vacuum for…
- Little Geniusesby SpamriderSchmelnoz once told me that the remarkable thing about human beings is that despite all our (extremely) obvious shortcomings each of us actually has a little genius inside of us. (If you don’t know who I’m talking about when I say “Schmelnoz” without my explaining it to you by now then you need to go catch yourself up on some of my older entries in this journal. Go ahead and do it right now. This…
- All You Zombies (Not The Hooters’ Song)by SpamriderRobert Heinlein once wrote a story called “All You Zombies” about a man who goes back in time and fucks himself, thus becoming his own mother and father. (Heinlein actually manages to make it all sound a lot more plausible than I just did.) Later on they made an Ethan Hawke movie out of it called “Predestination”. Aside from some actually rather clever additions to the plotline it has to be one of the most…
- The Polish Plungerby SpamriderIn The Future people have all these funny names for exotic sexual positions or maneuvers. Sort of like how the people of today might speak of “The Rusty Trombone,” or “The Dirty Sanchez”. I won’t try to elaborate on what any of these may or may not actually involve because to be honest with you I don’t even know and don’t really care. This page is copyrighted by the way, so whenever any of these…
- Angels and Demonsby SpamriderWhile I certainly have no intentions of letting this thus far squeaky-clean and entirely uncontroversial column of mine ever devolve into something so lowly and debased as religious mumbo-jumbo, I would nontheless like to take the opportunity this week to discuss something that Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible and I spoke about quite at length one long and intoxicating and intoxicated evening during his previous visit. It all started whenever Schmelnoz for some reason out of the…
- Daylight Saving Bluesby SpamriderWell, it’s that time of year again when most people set their clocks ahead an hour and, as my friend Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible once put it, start pretending that it’s really one hour later than it actually is. Personally I agree with Schmelnoz and think this Daylight Saving stuff is all pretty asinine. But, living among crazies like you all it’s just one more stupid thing I have to deal with I guess. I also…
- Old Farts Never Die…by SpamriderThey just wisp away. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
- Misfortune Cookieby SpamriderMy fortune cookie tonight said, “Someone from your past has returned to steal your heart.” I’ll bet anything it’s that damn Haitian witchdoctor again. He’s been after my heart for decades now. He needs it for some sort of crazy Voodoo ritual. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
- More Shit Schmelnoz Saysby SpamriderSchmelnoz says the cost of free will is bearing the weight of the world upon your shoulders. I asked him if he believes in free will. He said that only those who does not already know The Future believe in free will. Then he farted and we drank together in wry merriment. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
- Quote of the Day #2by Spamrider“It is a mathematical fact that the casting of this pebble from my hand alters the centre of gravity of the universe.” -Thomas Carlyle While technically true, what old Tomboy fails to mention is that at the same time he’s tossing off his little pebbles, there are untold and mindboggling numbers of other events taking place in the universe over which he has absolutely no control, any of which could counteract any effect his piddly…
- The Future of Scienceby SpamriderIn The Future it will begin to occur to some people that one of the major reasons we have so many problems in the world today is that instead of seeing science as a means of obtaining pure knowledge and enlightenment with which we might better ourselves as a race, we look upon it as something to exploit—as if the sole purpose and benefit of science was to aid us in fulfilling our every desire. That is to say, we…
- The Illiputiansby SpamriderSpeaking of timekeeping, Schmelnoz once told me about this race of giants called the Illiputi who do not keep track of time simply because they do not believe in it. According to the Illiputian way of thinking, every day is actually the same day. The only reason it seems otherwise is that some douchebag keeps going around planting memories in everybody’s heads. Apparently the rest of the Universe pretty much just leaves them alone because…
- Lunch Timeby SpamriderAccording to my alien friend from The Future Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible the only reason that primitive races like humans even believe in and attempt to keep track of something so abstract as Time in the first place is because in our early development conceiving of such a concept became a necessity just so we could all interact together on any sort of predictable basis, thereby forming what has come to be known as “society,” which…
- A Crinkle In Timeby Spamrider[Note: The following entry was written by Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible, my alien friend from The Future. -Spamrider] Greetings Earthlings. I am the quasi-sentient life-form known colloquially as “Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible”. But I conceive that if the Spamrider has properly primed your reality contextual realms the way I have instructed him to then you have ultimately and formerly concocted as much. When I incipiently and initially presented my supposition for this maiden entry into his revelatory…
- The Great Poodle Warsby SpamriderSo despite all the grisly and gruesome details I have thus far disclosed concerning The Future, it turns out that the most fierce and vicious response I have received thus far has come from a certain dog owner whose name I won’t mention (Larry) who has expressed both shock and dismay at my earlier revelation that in The Future there are in fact no Poodles. It’s really quite simple though. Most of them get killed off…
- Shit Schmelnoz Saysby SpamriderSchmelnoz the Incomprehensible says the darndest things sometimes. Recently (which remember is now eighteen years ago) we were watching some birds and he said, “When the animals finally go to war against man, the birds will be quite formidable opponents.” Noting my incredulous look he explained, “For one thing, their surveillance powers are beyond question. And their communications network is obviously second to none.” And as is usually the case I couldn’t really argue with…
- Weekend With Schmelnozby SpamriderSo now that it’s all over I can finally tell you now the real reason I was in Texas. My best friend from The Future, Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible, arrived on earth approximately eighteen years ago, which was three weeks ago according to my own personal subjective experience of Time. Actually it feels more like three months. Anyway, we decided rural Texas in The Past would be the perfect place for him to fit in because nothing…
- Quote of the Dayby Spamrider“The world is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel.” -Horace Walpole I guess that makes my life a tragic comedy. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
- Texas Toastby SpamriderIn Texas every meal you eat comes with Texas Toast. I’m not that big of a fan of Texas Toast actually. No offense to Texas. Actually, I wonder if Texas Toast was even invented in Texas. Some guy in New Jersey probably sliced some bread extra thick one day (this was before they invented sliced bread you see), and his bitchy wife comes along and says, “What the hell do you think you’re doing NOW?” And…
- Big Lakeby SpamriderAs I write this I am currently sitting in a hotel room in Big Lake, Texas. Never mind what year it is. The name of the hotel is “The Derrick Inn”. I call it “The Derelict Inn”. It isn’t a bad hotel, really. It just has the misfortune of being located in a town that is totally out in the middle of nowhere. Big Lake may have a big lake, but despite being located in…
- The Perils of Time Travelby Spamrider(This Spamrider of the Apocalypse entry arrived in my refrigerator underneath the pickles dated July 17, 2047. -Bob) Having now had some more opportunity to read through this website I can see now that me sending these messages back from The Future has already gotten this blog all out of whack and that some things just aren’t ever going to make any sense to the people reading it then until Time finally catches up. As if any…
- Howdy From Texas!by SpamriderHowdy from Texas everybody! Wow…everything really IS bigger in Texas! Even my wiener!!!!!!! Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
- Yes, Virginiaby SpamriderA little kid came up to me today and asked me why Santa Claus always brings the rich kids nicer presents at Christmas than the poor kids. I just told her the truth that it’s because Santa Claus is a Republican. In The Future the Christmas shopping season begins the day after New Year’s. The reason for this is because over the years and the decades it just kept getting pushed further and further backwards…
- Optimists And Pessimistsby SpamriderThere are some people who always automatically choose to see the glass as half full. And there are some people who always automatically choose to see the glass as half empty. Personally, I’ve always figured it depends on whether you’re busy filling it up or drinking out of it. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
- Merry Fucking Feelgood Season!by SpamriderOr whatever you personally may call it. Sometimes I hear people say that all the problems in this world stem from overpopulation. But I take issue with this. The problem in and of itself isn’t so much the size of the population. The problem is more the quality of the population. If we all just looked out for each other things could be a lot different. But we don’t. We all look out for ourselves.…
- Becoming a Time Travellerby SpamriderA lot of people have been writing in asking me about how it was that I ever decided to become a time traveller in the first place. Actually nobody has ever written in or asked me about anything but I just thought I’d start out by saying something stupid like that since Bob seems to do it all the time. The truth is that nobody ever “decides” to become a time traveller. Well, now that…
- I Never Will Understand Some People!by SpamriderSo I’m visiting this guy the other day, and he says to me, “Me casa es su casa!” “Awesome!” I said, “I’ll bet I can get $250 grand for this place!” This seemed to annoy him, so I added, “What? I’ll split it with you…” Now I’m not allowed in my casa ever again. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
- The Future’s So Bright…by Spamrider(This Spamrider of the Apocalypse entry arrived in my clothes hamper dated May 31, 2047. -Bob) …That it actually burns you alive if you step out of your cave. I am actually writing this post to you from The Future. And let me tell you, it ain’t pretty kids. Share on FacebookTweetFollow us
- Secret Identitiesby Spamrider[Writer’s Note: Since my original column this week seems to have gotten pre-empted by another one which I had written earlier (well…actually…later) suddenly arriving from The Future, I am going to go ahead and post two of these this week even though I really only ever planned on doing that whenever the first entry was so short that Bob was afraid his website’s readers would riot if we didn’t give them just a little more…
- Farewell To The Futureby Spamrider(This Spamrider of the Apocalypse entry recently mysteriously arrived in my toilet dated August 8, 2047. -Bob) I’ve decided to return to The Past (formerly and soon again to be The Present) at the next available opportunity. I must admit that I previously thought living during the aftermath of a Donald Trump presidency was bad. That is until I saw what the aftermath of the aftermath was like. And of course it will also be good to beat…
- Schmelnoz the Incomprehensibleby Spamrider“Everything that is incomprehensible does not cease to exist.” -Blaise Pascal, Pensées My friend Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible is so cool that I thought I’d just dedicate an entire entry to him. Schmelnoz comes from a planet somewhere in the Near Future, which is sort of like the Bronx of The Future, and which, quite astonishingly, does not even exist as of yet at the present date. (They evolve VERY quickly on Schmelnoz’s world). Schmelnoz told…
- Dumb All Overby SpamriderAs the Spamrider of the Apocalypse I know that you all are just dying for me to start talking about everything going on in the Middle East right now, as if any of that bellicose balderdash and ballyhoo somehow has anything to do with me or my message to all of you. In response I might only suggest that perhaps you instead begin directing your gaze towards the one known place on this planet where…
- Writers Strikeby SpamriderSo Monday I called Bob up and asked him when I was going to actually get paid for writing this column. “You don’t get paid,” he said. “We don’t pay any of our writers.” “You mean to tell me I’ve been doing this column now for the better part of 20 years and I don’t even get paid for it?” I asked, just to make sure I was actually hearing him correctly. “You’ve only been…
- The Peremptory Perfunctory Explainer Entryby SpamriderSo you may be wondering about my personal connection to Bob and Steve and how I ever came to be writing this weird crap on their weird crap website in the first place, and it actually turns out to be a pretty interesting story. The long and short of it is that when I was in The Future I saw that I had actually already written it, even though then I didn’t know anything about…
- Back From The Futureby SpamriderSo I just got back from The Future last week. If you thought regular jetlag was bad, let me tell you you haven’t seen nothing. I just slept for 72 hours straight and my duodenum is STILL moaning the blues! Though I had a great time and met a lot of really wonderful people in The Future, it’s still good to be home in my own timeframe again. Temporal Separation does strange things to your…
