June Pulsifer asks:
“What’s a bullum-head?”
Dear June:
Put simply, a bullum-head is a term used by any decent country folk to describe a person with an odd shaped, or an unusually large sized forehead or skull. For example, I’ll put it in a sentence so you’ll get a feel for how it’s used…
“No siree, Mr. Officer-Sir, I couldn’t get a good look at em’ on account he had on one of them ski masks pulled up over his head so I couldn’t see…but he did have a bullum-head. Yup’ a great big bullum head. That much I know fer shure!”
Now a lot of people think that a bullum-head is some sort of genetic abnormality or the result of an alcoholic doctor delivering a baby when he has the shakes and squeezing too tight on the forceps, which squishes the baby’s head into some odd shape.
But I know better.
Most bullum-heads come from the same geographic location. That location is the Midwest.
Specifically Indiana and Illinois. Home of the bullum-head.
For example, here is an un-doctored photo that displays a common Midwestern citizen ———————–>
One may notice that the people with the most pronounced bullum-heads are also among the smartest and most successful.
Coincidence? I think not. But what made them this way?
The answer lies in the water towers of the Midwest. You see, contrary to popular belief, water towers were not built for cities. Our cities and towns were built around these mysterious structures that were already there long before us. All this is explained further in my book, published in 1988, called “Water Towers of the Gods,” it’s co-written by Eric Von Daniken. These bizarre structures were built hundreds of thousands of years in the past by an advanced alien culture.
In fact, Native Americans had a name for them, far before the white man had ever settled down here. They called them “Ooouiii-Ooouuuiii-Caleb-shooot,” which translates in our white mans tongue as, “Big fucking thing with water inside.”
But why did the aliens build them? The answer can only be told by the aliens themselves. So me, Eric, Jon, and my good buddy Jim-bo, got us a bunch of turpentine, paint remover, and rags, and headed down to Indiana. Most of these towers had been painted and repainted with city names and logos and stuff. We figured if we scrubbed all the paint off, we would find a message painted by the Aliens.
And that is exactly what we found!
This is what we deciphered using our alien decoder ring: “People of Earth, we are providing you with this great container of water, that is soft and will help you get your clothes as white as white can be. Oh, by the way – we put in a special solution to turn you all into Aliens.
“First, you will achieve great bullum-heads, then you’ll end up looking like us. When your appearance has matched ours then you will be complete and we shall return.”
That’s why people with bullum-heads are so much smarter than everyone else…Alien DNA. Also, the only places on Earth that produce one bullum-head per 100 persons is Indiana and Illinois!
The same places where these horrible “Water Towers” lie.
The solution?
We must destroy all these Alien water towers and drop Nuclear Bombs on Indiana and Illinois. This is the only way to get rid of the Future Alien Menace. If no one ever turns into these Aliens then the Aliens will never return.
They probably just plan to eat us or turn us into slaves so it’s best that they never show up.
Most normal people fear spiders, because they’re from outer space too – just like normal people fear bullum heads, cause they’re from outer-space, and things from outer space are spooky.
