Save Save Save

By Bob Senitram

Kevin from New Finland writes:
Things have been a bit rough around here. I’m trying to save some money on just about everything. Got any tips?

Kevin, balloons with helium just fly away. Sure they look nice now, but soon they’ll be lying on the floor. Usless. Either that or they get lost. Best to just pop it now and recycle the plastic. That’s about how much fun it is to conserve, but sometimes its necessary. Here are tips for each day of the week:

Don’t sit way up front at church, sit towards the back. When the collections start, keep changing isles to avoid the plate…savings 75 cents.

Download the coffee at home and drink up before you leave. Take a handfull of instant coffee and fill up a pixy-stick, a good pick me up that don’t cost nuthin’…savings another 75 cents!

Anti-two-fer day. Only smoke a cigarrette every other time for the whole day. If you normally have a smoke at 7am, hold off til your first break at 10am. Not only does this save you money, but your woman will have a smile all day Wednesday, since it will take two “encounters” to earn that one cigarrette…calculated benefit $2.00, and at least one day that’s nag-free.

Go thru the house and get any form of liquid soap you have, be it laundry or anti-bacterial soap and delute it half and half with water. Shampoo is an extra plus, since your hair will still be a wee-bit greasy, you won’t need conditioner…saving even more! Savings $4.00!

Don’t cut your toe nails. More wear and tear on that clipper and the next thing you know, you have to replace it. Let ‘em grow ‘til they curl like a kung fu master’s fingernails…savings 0.00005 of a cent. It’s not much of a savings, but every little bit helps.

Take your paycheck and hide it ‘til Monday. I blew half my paycheck each weekend in a drunken stupor. Now I have to save the money from the previous week, which means I have to look at all my bills and my income while sober. End result. I pay more bills, less debt…savings $75.00.

Still hiding that check…savings, another $75.00.

And there you have it, you’ll save $157.50005 each week. It’s like getting a $630.0002 monthly raise!

The bad news is, this doesn’t work for everyone. Conserving only works for Democrats. If you’re a Republican, just give ¾ of your income to a rich person who will “Invest in America,” by putting the money in the stock market. The economy will improve and you’ll get a better job.

Speaking of politics, I finally found an artsy-fartsy film clip that portrays the Bush Administration from beginning to end, in it’s own avant-gard sort of way:

Yup, that’s the way it’s been goin’ all right.

Another disclaimer: don’t visit the advertised sites that make these videos, you don’t know what those guys will do to your computer, but is always safe.

Bob Senitram

Webmaster and editor of I obtained a bachelor's degree in micro-biology around the turn of the century but was quickly tracked down and forced to return it to its rightful owner and pay a $25 fine. *** A fan of science fiction, I started this website in 1999 as a portal for science fiction stories that have never been published. *** Completely devoid of talent, I decided to call on the public to supply content. Shortly afterwards Stephen and I started writing weekly columns and have continued to this day.

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