Buttered Bread and My Cat

Alan asks:  If a cat lands on its feet, and buttered bread lands face down, what will happen if I tie a piece of buttered bread to the back of my cat?

To answer this question, I devised experiments to test each variable. First, I went to my wife’s favorite restaurant and knocked bread out of the hands of people who were eating. I just reached out and slapped the hand of anyone who had a piece of bread in their hands. They dropped it every time.

Shortly after I started, I was thrown out of the restaurant. But all was not lost, I didn’t have to pay for my meal!

Unfortunately, my wife who has her head in her hands crying, had to pay. It appears the restaurant “Shea-Whitey,” was too high brow for my antics, so I went down to the truck stop down off highway 80 and tried the same thing.

When I finally woke up, I was in the parking lot, lying face down in puddle of mud with my pants around my ankles. I remember getting 3 tests done, before some of the truckers started noticing that I was knocking the bread out of their hands on purpose, and decided to take me outside. That’s the last thing I remember.

One other thing, the bread landed face down every time!

Next, I had to test the cat. I put my cat on the counter and pushed him off. He landed on his feet. Then I thought, maybe he wouldn’t land on his feet from a higher distance. Luckily I live in a two story apartment, but I didn’t want my cat to get hurt. So I lured one of the neighbor’s cat into the house with a bowl of Meow Mix and tuna.

She was happily gobbling up the food, when I grabbed it by the waist and flung it out the kitchen window. There’s a bunch a trees out there, so it hit one branch after another, then hit the ground with a “thud,” and landing on its side! She’s still there now, on her side. She don’t move anymore. I concluded that cats only land on their feet, if they fall from short distances.

Now I need another cat, so its back to the front yard with the Meow Mix and tuna.

Got a little Kitten this time. I tied the bread to the back of kitty and knocked it off the counter. I repeated this several times, but the bread kept sliddin’ around to the kitty’s stomach. I tied the bread tighter to the kitty, but the bread broke in half. I tried it again, the bread broke in half again! I’d have to try another strategy.

I figured glue would hold the bread down nice and tight. But when I tried to put glue on the kitty’s back, it kept runnin’ around and a-fussin’. So I put the kitty in a vice to hold it down, and gave it a good hard turn to tighten it up. I guess I turned that handle one time too many, cause now that little kitty just hangs from that vice as quiet as can be.

Now, I’m back in the front yard with the meow mix and tuna…

This time, I slabbed a brick with some quick drying cement and waited for it to almost dry. Then I took the new cat and pushed its belly down on that brick, so it would stick and not run around and carry-on like that kitty. Now that I got that cat nice and still, so I can commence to glue that bread to its back.

Now I did some evaluatin’, on the situation and came to the conclusion that the brick on that cats belly is gonna weigh it down some. So I had figured, that if I glued that buttered bread to another brick, and then cemented that brick to the cats back, it would cancel out the brick on cats belly and allow the bread and cat to land in their own natural way.

Once I got it all set up, I pushed the cat off the counter. “Klud!” The cat and the bread landed on its side! I tried it again, “Klud!” On the side again. Then I realized that the distance from the counter to the floor was too short to give a reliable result, so I flung the cat, bread and bricks out the kitchen window.

“Crash! Crakkle! Crash – Break! Thud!” I looked out the window. On the side again! That cat broke each branch it bumped into on the way down. Now it’s just lyin’ there.

On its side.

Now the landlord is mad at me for messing up his trees and I got three dead cats at the apartment. But that’s ok, it was all in the name of science. There you have it, the bread wants to land on its face and the cat wants to land on its feet. The two cancel each other out.

I gotta go now, three of my neighbors are at the front door with the police. They probably want to know the results of my test!

And now you know.

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Saint Garion

Bel Garion, who also goes by the name Saint Garion started writing columns in our early years and continued to 2006. He often refers to "The Lord" and "Buddah" which are the names of his dogs which speak to him on a regular basis.

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