Please note the superior level of explanation points used in the title of this column. That and only that displays my resolve to tell this nail-biting story!
As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I was held captive by the evil editor of TheWeirdcrap.com. After reading the column, Stephen jumped to action. He opened up his Web-TV browser and Googled how to operate a smart phone. And at that, for the first time in his life, Stephen operated a smartphone. He got TheWeirdcrap’s new owner on the phone lickity-split-just-like-that.
“Son, there aint no editor.” The owner explained.
“Then he’s being held captive by someone who wants to be editor.” Stephen said. “Has anyone applied lately?”
“Now that you mention it, there is a guy who sent in a resume just about a month ago. He wanted me to fire Bob and make him editor and chief contributor of the site. Hold on a minute, let me check, it’s around here somewhere…”
After a minute he came back. “Yup, here it is…he works full time at EL Tuba-daro, a swingin’ tuba joint here in town.”
“Gimme the address…” Stephen proceeds to google the address with his new found skills and zooms in to look at the surrounding businesses. “It’s right across the street from an old-timey soda shop! That’s where Bob is! We have to call the police and let them know what happened…”
Unfortunately, the police was hesitant to investigate since there was no missing persons reported filed for Bob. Apparently Bob’s wife never reported it, she just said, “Good riddance,” sold his car and clothes in a garage sale and left it at that.
Stephen stopped by the house to let Mrs. Senitram know he was on the case. She just rolled her eyes while rolling bubble gum around a finger. “Well, chomp, chomp. If you find him, tell him I sold his car…”
Stephen was already in his car, “You have nothing to worry about…I’ll save him!” He yelled as he drove off…
The old lady’s head was tilted with eyes still rolling as she chewed her favorite brand gum. “What-ever…” She sarcastically said as she closed the door.
Short of police help, Stephen decided to drive to EL Tuba-daro and with the help of $200 convinced one of the bouncers to check out the basement of the soda shop. The two went across the street to confront the owner…
“There’s no-one held captive here. A few weeks ago, Jazzy-Jeff, the lead tuba player across the street was talking to Bob. Bob got mad about something and spilled a juice box all over himself. Then he went down to the basement, and I haven’t seen him since.” The store owner explained.
“And that’s it?” The bouncer queried.
“That’s it…wait a minute, I never did see him leave.”
“Well lets just go take a look.” Stephen added.
Down to the basement they went.
“Look over there, the hostage hole!” Stephen pointed.
“That’s no hostage hole, its just a hole for a sump pump…look you can see his head, it’s only 4 feet deep!”
“Why is your sump pump hole so wide?” The bouncer asked.
“I can’t explain. That would ruin the premise of this whole story!” Replied the store owner.
“Bob!” Stephen called out, “Stand up!”
“What!? Who’s there? Stephen is it you! Your here to rescue me!” I yelled from below.
“Just stand up you ass-hole!” Stephen called out.
So, I did. Low and behold the top of the hole was right at my shoulders. “It seemed a lot deeper sitting down. I never thought to stand up.”
“You’re an idiot.” Stephen gave me his hand and helped me up and we left. We got in his car and headed home. “By the way, you owe me $200 bucks. “
“Which I will gladly pay you on Tuesday.” I answered.
“Oh yeah, one more thing. Your wife sold your car…so you need a new car.”
“Oh crap.” I retured.
AND NOW YOU KNOW!
Song in my head:
COMING NEXT: The truth about truth and that’s the truth!
A new Ask Bob column every Friday!