Susan writes: Hi, I am a taurus! If you have a humidifier and a dehumidifier running in the same room, will time stand still?
A: . You would think so, since humidifers are used in museums to keep art “timeless.” With this in mind I figured there must be a connection, so I went to half.com and got a book about Edwin Hawkins. I was really excited when I got the package in the mail because I figured the famous physicist would have all the answers.
It turns out Edwin Hawkins was not the famous physicist I had in mind, he was a member of the famous Hawkins Family Southern Gospel Choir, who sang “Oh happy day,” which was famous in the 60’s. Disappointed, I decided to contact my “streetwise” informant. Code Name: Bilbo.
I got my overcoat and hat, put the “bold front” on the vintage “Dick Tracy” hat and waited on my front porch for nightfall, when I was to meet my contact. It was a long wait since it was only 2pm and being summer it got hot in that coat, so I got a beer to cool off. Bored, I had another, and another, and another. Den I fibured eyed haf wun more fo good lucks. Two pack of cigaretts later, I passed out.
The next morning I woke up (still on the porch) and vomited. I went in, took a shower, put my hat and coat back on, and waited on the front porch for nightfall.
Children were screaming and crying while thier parents rushed them inside. With a hung over glaze, I looked down toward my bare feet and and noticed my coat was unbuttoned. I also noticed that I should’ve put on more than just a hat and coat. I went in and got dressed.
That night I met with “Bilbo,” a physics professor at the “Local University.”
Me: “So what do you know about humidifiers, dehumidifiers and time anomalies?”
Bilbo: “I don’t know what your talkin’ about,” he looked up and held out his hand.
I slipped him twenty dollars.
“I hear humidifiers and dehumidifiers can make your house real comfortable. But how they are related to time? That’s a whole different story….” He looked up again and held out his hand.
I gave him another twenty.
He leaned forward and said in a whisper, “The net result is zero. If they are adding and decreasing at the same rate, the net result is zero. But it’ll never happen. No manufacturers will make models that will decrease and increase humidity at the exact same rate. It’s just too risky.”
“Oh, Bob?” he added.
“You didn’t hear it from me.”
“What do you mean ‘risky?'” I added.
“I said NET RESULT!” His eyes grew wide. “It’ll end time, mass, matter…it all goes. Nothing will exist – NET RESULT ZERO!” His voice raised while he clutched my coat with both hands.
“Oh, OK.” I said. “We’ll thanks for sharing, I’m gonna get me a sandwich,” I replied while heading out the alley.”
“Moron.” I heard him mutter as I walked away.