Is this the end?
Melissa is dead.
She is no longer among the living due to choking on her own vomit or accidentally drinking a glass of Drano. Well, that’s our guess.
But a conflicting rumor says, she was at her regular 9-5 job when she just plopped over from her desk and hit the floor. Employees figured this was just another one of her stunts to get attention. So they went about their business, ignoring her like they always do and stepping over her body when passing by. After a few days, they checked if she was ok and there was no pulse. And that was that.
Actually, we have no way of confirming any of this. We just got an email that said,
“I won’t be writing any more columns because i am now dead!
See ya!” -Melissa
Stephen doubted the authenticity of this email, but I pointed out that she forgot to capitalize the “i”, and that’s just like Melissa. So we know in our heart of hearts that she must have sent that message from the great beyond…or the great void…or wherever we go when we stop breathing.
Just when we think her life is becoming normal, she up and dies. Yup, she just, up and died.
We are saddened (as usual when it comes to her).
Melissa you were one of a kind. Even though that’s a loser hand in poker, we never considered you an actual loser…at poker. Words cannot express our sorrow, so we won’t bother to try. Many will remember you as one of the greatest comedy writers to ever walk the planet, but we will always think of you as our sweet princess that graced us with her sense of humor. And by princess we mean two-bit, ass shaking, pole dancer who’ll do anything for an extra buck shoved in her G-string.
Bye Melissa.
But let’s not be saddened by who killed who, and why. This is a joyous occasion!
Our tragedy is now your opportunity!!! We now have an extra space for a new column.
Your column can be about anything. Whatever you like. We don’t care.
Like that’s not too obvious.
Boy, are we sad.
NEXT WEEK: Our first submission…unless nobody applies for the position!!!
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