Pest Control

Andy from Tallahassee FL, . Asks:

Why in the hell do the pest control companies keep on making the rat poisons and cockroach killers better smelling? . Now to me, a poison should stink like two week old pussy. . At least this says “Hey, don’t eat me.” . But no, these cock suckers can now take the Pepsi Challenge to a stick of Bazooka Joe. . What do you think?

A: . Oy, such language!

See what happens when you leave yourself available to the Internet! Any ol’ body can just send you an email and write whatever it is they think or feel. Potty-Mouths I say! I’m shocked!

I should have a heart attack hearing such language in my old age.

But that’s just the way it is these days. Kids running around using the “F” word, before they’re even in kindergarten.

And then there’s this “Andy,” using all kinds of filthy, foul, fucked up language with no regards to other poor bastards who have to read such horrible, slimy, strings-of-shit-type of language.

I’m shocked! I tell you.

Why just the other day I was taking my garbage to my neighbors front porch, when some little fucking disrespectful bastard, not more than 5 years old flew by me, riding a Big fucking Wheel and flipping me off as he passed!

I screamed, “Hey you little fucking prick! Where in Gods name did you learn dumb-ass, fucked up gestures like that!

“Fuck you,” he screamed back. “Your Mutha’ is cock sucking whore!”

“And now he brings up my dear sweet mother and calls her terrible names?” I said to myself.

That little shit had one of those special “Wipe-Out” Big Wheels. He was laughing so hard at me, he wiped out right into the street.

I didn’t see what happened, but I heard a car’s tires screeching.

When I turned to look, the little boy was face down in the street.

He did not move.

Feelings of guilt and worry started to overtake me, as I feared the worst.

Stunned…I slowly moved closer only to see a small red puddle by his head.

Still he did not move…

Then he sat up.

He had a God-damn packet of ketchup stuck to his forehead.

He picked it off his head saying, “Jesus, if I didn’t land on this fucking packet of ketchup…I could’ve cracked my God-Damn head open!” He flung the packet at me and it hit me square in the eye and then jumped on his Big Wheel and took off – swearing and laughing as he drove away…

“Fucking little Bastard.” I said to myself.

Oh, yeah…the Rat Poison.

I have a very reliable “inside source” known only as “Big Gulp” who explained the whole thing to me a few years ago…

Years ago, the government forced companies to produce rat poison that smelled like cat nip. The cat population was too high and the government was afraid that the cats would take over the U.S. and eventually the world. (“Return to the Planet of The Apes” had just been released and…well you know how easily the government is convinced to do foolish things. Especially if the solution involves killing someone or something.)

The Cats loved the new rat poison and soon “cat population” was under “control.”

Well anyway, it worked so well when the human population starting growing in alarming rates…well they got to thinking.

What if you made a special kind of poison that smelled like banana or chocolate pudding? Although accidental poisonings can happen to almost anyone, a large majority would happen to people who didn’t tend to their kids.

Likewise, a large majority of people who receive government assistance don’t watch their children very closely. The reasons may vary. Some have several jobs to make ends meet. Others just seem to be neglectful. Well, the government figured, since a large majority of people who grow up on welfare, end up on welfare; then, they could poison these people’s children then they will never grow up and never go on Welfare.

There you have it, the population is “under control” and the Government saves Millions of Dollars!

And that’s why the smell of Rat Poison is…oh, so sweet!