Adventures in Telemarketing Part I

Dan Writes: I got a phone call about a policeman’s ball. Should I buy one?

Dear Dan:

You can if you want too, but don’t expect much.

A long time ago, I got a call to buy a ticket for the “The Policeman’s Circus.” It sounded fun and I would be supporting the police. Most people buy these tickets with good intentions and never go.

But I did.

I thought it was strange that a “circus” was in a rented room at popular hotel chain that had a make-shift stage. It had a lady, probably the promoter’s wife or girlfriend, with her poodle doing tricks like sitting up, fetching and other common things. The grand finally was when he jumped thru a hoola-hoop…it wasn’t even on fire or anything. Just a plain hoola-hoop!

Then there was a guy who made balloon animals, but there was only about 15 people there…most I think were the telemarketers who sold the tickets. Anyway, nobody really wanted the balloons, and he just piled ’em up on the floor. If I remember right, there was also a dog in a Halloween costume…a lion, I think. He just walked across the stage to get the dog bisquit waiting on the other side of the stage.

I don’t think any of the money went to support police.

My take on the whole thing was, they sell thousands of dollars of tickets to an event that nobody shows up too. Then they spend maybe $50 for a hall at a cheap hotel, and just have a pretend ball or circus with the telemarketing/circus/DJ staff. I think legally they have to produce something…but I wouldn’t be surprised if the address on your policeman’s ball ticket was a condemned building.

So, go ahead a buy a ticket if you want to. But don’t expect to see any police there unless they’re there to arrest the ticket promoters.

Or you can just have fun with the telemarketers and ask them to sell you something they don’t have. I’ll give you an example:

You: “No, I don’t want a ticket to the policeman’s ball, but do you have any tickets to the ‘Sanitation Circus’? I heard last years circus was a blast!”

Marketer: “No, sorry we don’t have those, but the policeman’s ball is a big seller this year…”

You: “What!!!? No ‘Sanitation Circus’ tickets? I heard they were gonna have that guy who sings all them beer drinkin’ songs! Hey, you guys got albums that your sellin’ by that guy who sings those beer drinkin’ songs?”

Marketer: “No, we don’t have albums, we…”

You: “NO ALBUMS!” But I called to get that album with the beer drinkin’ songs….

Marketer: “Actually I called…”

You: GRANDPA, GET OUTTA THERE…DON’T EAT THAT YOU DUMB SENILE PIECE OF SHIT! Hold on a minute…”(drop the phone on a table and walk away, don’t mute it and don’t come back for a while).

While the phone is on the table continue your talk with your pretend grandpa…”I told you, don’t eat food you find on the floor, that’s the dog’s food…spit that out…all of it. That’s dog food. Now get some water…NOT FROM THERE, THAT’S THE DOGS WATER!!! God damn it! Here take a drink of my beer, and I don’t want to see any dog food backwash in it.”

Pick up the phone, if he didn’t hang up yet, and continue.

You: “Anyways, I was about to order that album by that guy who sings those beer drinkin’ songs.”

Marketer: “Actually, I called you about the policeman’s…”

Drop the phone again…”GOD DAMN IT GRANDPA…LOOK AT THIS BEER!!! It’s all cloudy, I told you to take a drink, not rinse your mouth and spit it back in the glass! That’s it…you’re goin’ back in the kennel!

Check to see if he hung up. Most telemarketers would hang up by now, but if he didn’t keep going…you get the idea.


Song in my head: That guy who sings those beer drinkin’ songs!

COMING NEXT: Telemarketing Part II???

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Bob Senitram

Webmaster and editor of I obtained a bachelor's degree in micro-biology around the turn of the century but was quickly tracked down and forced to return it to its rightful owner and pay a $25 fine. *** A fan of science fiction, I started this website in 1999 as a portal for science fiction stories that have never been published. *** Completely devoid of talent, I decided to call on the public to supply content. Shortly afterwards Stephen and I started writing weekly columns and have continued to this day.

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