Is Christmas really the most wonderful time of the year?

My initial response is YES!

Last year, I found my own religion and I found the Jesus…So I say YES!

But then my lady reminded me that I should be more scientific. Not “Suzie-Q” my “inflatable friend,” my real old lady. Seemed like a good idea, plus I wouldn’t want to force my opinions on my dear sweet readers. That would be wrong.

I found a fool proof way of testing this question. I decided to select a random day from last year, study my diary entry for that day, then compare that day with today. If today’s events are any more wonderful than the previous dates, then the answer is yes!

First, I took a 2001 magnetic insurance calendar that was posted on our refrigerator, ripped out each day of this year, and piled them in a blender. Like all calendars attached to refrigerators, we had never used it, so the entire year was still there. With the top off, I put the blender on “high” and watched the shredded paper fly all over the room. Then, I reached into the blender to pull out any date that wasn’t ripped up. And that would be the day.

I forgot to turn off the blender and soon the floor and walls were covered in splats of blood and shredded paper.

I returned home from the hospital with a missing index finger-tip and a bottle of pain pills. I swallowed a hand-full of pills and a ten pack of Guiness, and plopped down on the couch to watch TV.

A few hours later, I woke up thirsty and stumbled to the kitchen for a glass of soda. In a drunken blur, I opened the freezer door and dropped some ice toward my cup, but missed. It dropped to the floor, and slid a few feet in front of me. I just took one step to reach them, but that was enough. I slipped on the blood soaked calendar date-shreds and slammed my head on my narrow, apartment-kitchen’s counter.

The opened can of tuna’s top was attached by a small sliver of metal, and was left sticking straight up. My head slammed on the can, and the top sunk in my forehead like it was made of Jello. I fell backwards on my butt and sat there for a minute, to shake it off. I stood up and slammed my head on the freezer door that was left open and dropped down again.

When a woke-up again, I couldn’t open my eyes. Dried up blood had sealed my eyes shut. Blind, I headed toward the bathroom, when I felt a cold squash on my left foot. A few steps later, I felt a warm squash on my right foot. I didn’t think anything of it, because I often throw up in the hall.

I washed the blood from my eyes and looked in the mirror. Half the can-top was sticking out of my head. I looked down and saw both feet were covered in a combination of kitty-intestinal fluid, hair, and digested Friskies Dental Diet Cat Food. “Well, well, well, I said.”

I washed my feet in the bathtub and headed toward the work-shed to fix my head. I sat down to work on that tuna top, and felt something uncomfortable in my back pocket. I lifted a bit and reached in my pocket to see what was there. It was a calendar date for 08/17/01 and the rest of my finger. I must have put the finger in my pocket and forgot to give it to the doctor. I don’t remember putting the calendar date in my pocket but decided to go ahead and use it just the same.

I took a pair of needle-nose pliers and pulled tuna can-top out of my head. After wiping off the blood off my face with a grease rag, I stopped-up the hole with some carpenters puddy. It worked really good!

I went back to the kitchen, got my soda, closed the freezer door and tossed my finger-tip into the kitty dish. Then I got my diary, and checked what happened on 08/17/01. Here’s what it said:

“Dear Diary,

I got drunk today and tried to burn some newborn kittens, but I couldn’t do it, and decided to keep one. Then I was chased by the police which resulted with some nasty gas, but I got away! After eating two bottles of antacids I got super-constipated. I had to go so bad, I believe I may have injured myself and I’m heading toward the hospital now.

Lets see, Both days involved large amounts of alchohol and I ended up with injuries that landed me in the hospital. Nope I don’t like it. Sorry, I guess Christmas is not the most wonderful time of the year.

And now you know.

COMING NEXT: Something I’ll think of in the last minute.

More Ask Bob...

Bob Senitram

Webmaster and editor of TheWeirdcrap.com. I obtained a bachelor's degree in micro-biology around the turn of the century but was quickly tracked down and forced to return it to its rightful owner and pay a $25 fine. *** A fan of science fiction, I started this website in 1999 as a portal for science fiction stories that have never been published. *** Completely devoid of talent, I decided to call on the public to supply content. Shortly afterwards Stephen and I started writing weekly columns and have continued to this day.

http://TheWeirdcrap.com

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