I interrupt my special 10-part episode of explaining why dogs eat poo to present this special holiday column.
You see my birthday falls on the day that writers for TheWeirdcrap.com must submit thier copies for publication, so I asked, “Hey, it’s my birthday, can I skip this week and still get the $1.20 fee for my weekly column.
I got a nice firm, “NO!”
You see, two years ago, when Stephen Johnson sold TheWeirdcrap.com to a well-known investor from Omaha, it was under the agreement that we would continue to produce weekly content (columns) for a small percentage of the websites profit once it started to make a profit. Well, the profits never came in. But Lord Business, as I call him, says it’s only a matter of time.
Lord Business was infatuated with the fact that 15 years ago we were getting millions of page views per month. We’re not savvy businessmen, so we had all this traffic but didn’t profit from it. Well Lord Business figured if he fixed up the site, got it up and running again with all the modern do-dads, traffic would go thru the roof, and he could start selling ads and what not.
So now, we’re forced to write weekly columns whether we want to or not…even on the holidays!
So, in protest, I’m just submitting an article I wrote 20 years ago. I’m sure it will get past the editors, because they never really read what we submit. So here it is…
For those who haven’t read every single “Ask Bob” article, a couple of years ago (2001) someone asked, “So what’s the real Bob like?” So that’s why I spent the last two years giving you a chronicle of everything I did in vivid detail. The last two years was just me answering that one question. So now you can draw your own conclusions.
Well, now I’m done. Thanks for that question, Samantha!
On to the next question!
I like your story ablut what I want to be. I like looking on internet about flies. I a sexual attraction to flies. So in the summer time I will be looking for flies.
from colin.penny
Dear “colin”
That’s not really a question Mr. colin.penny. Maybe you could rent the old and new version of “The Fly.” That should give you some quality masturbation material. Then you could watch “Lord of the Flies,” I figure a bastard like yourself would probably appreciate those movies you sick son-of-a-bitch.
-Bob
Dear Bob,
I just want to take the time to let you know me and my friends at the dorm really appreciate theweirdcrap. It’s always there for a good laugh (we don’t have a tv).
Jenny
Dear Jenny,
What are you some kind of smart ass? You think I’m here to amuse you. You think I’m some kind of clown, for your amusement? You don’t fool me, I know what you really mean you sick son-of-a-bitch!
–Bob
WHY DO TEACHERS NEED A ANSWER BOOK?
Bean Yogi
Dear Yogi,
What kind of sick, perverted use of the English language is this? First of all, you never use “a” in front of a vowel! Next time use an “an” in front of the vowel. And what’s with all those capitals! ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?
You should go down on your knees and pray to the Jesus for better writing skills. Remember, the Jesus answers prayers, and I have proof!
Last year I was watching my favorite program on the gospel cable channel when the preacher went on to say that if I gave $10 to The Blessed Church of Jesus Christ, then I would find the Jesus.
So I did.
And that afternoon I found the Jesus!
He was hiding in the cabinet under the sink the whole time. He was all done up like a plumber so nobody wouldn’t know who he was, but I knew!
I pulled him out and showed my wife and she said, “You put that Jesus right back where you found him until that drain in unclogged.” So, I did.
Yogi, what you need is some churchin’-up. DO THESE THINGS IN REMEMBRANCE OF ME. Only watch the Christian channels. Only read Christian books, and only eat vegetables grown with holy water…that should get you on the right track. When you have done all these things, ask your question again and I will answer it. Don’t try cheating, ’cause I’ll know.
Now go in peace, you sick son-of-a-bitch!
–Bob
Hope you all enjoyed my Xmass special article inspired by the holiday spirit.
Happy Holidays you sons-of-bitches!
And now you know!
Song in my head:
COMING NEXT: Where was I in that dog thing?
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