I Anyone Dumber Than Bob?

NYMETS (An alias) asks:
My God. Is anyone as stupid as you?

. Hmmm, Let me get right on that, with…thinking.

I dunno.

I’m sittin’ here with a notepad in front of the tv while I half watch porn movies, trying to think of how to answer your question. My chair is old 25 years old, and it really needs to be cleaned or upolstered or somethin’. For some reason, this is the only chair I’m allowed to sit in while I watch porn. But I can sit anywhere if I’m just writing.

I can only eat in the dining room, cause I always spill stuff.

Friday at work, I dropped a piece of american cheese from my sandwich and it fell down between my legs. Anyway I had white khaki’s on, and that cheese stuck on my leg for the rest of the day. Nobody told me, ’cause most people try to ignore me, on account I’m always talking to myself.

So I’m sittin’ there at work and I start to smell something kinda rank. I thought the guy in the next cubicle “room” had really bad gas. I didn’t want to imbarass him so I said nothin’. It got a little worse, nothin’ to make a man sick, but enough to make you frown.

So about a half hour early, my boss comes up and says, “hey, if you want to go home early, you can.”

I say, “ok.” And so I leave.

Did I mention I eat lunch in my car? I don’t remember. Anyway, I eat lunch in my car, so I can listen to the radio and take a little nap after I’m done. So I unlock the door and I see a piece of mushed dried up cheese on the seat, and I remember a piece of cheese falling, and me, not being able to find it. I twist around and look behind by leg and notice a dried up yellow smear on my pants. “Oh,” I say to myself.

So I bend down to scrap off the yellow smear on the car seat with a napkin, and it don’t come off cause it’s dried. So I take a screwdriver from the back seat and scrap it with that. I had been workin’ on the car that weekend, and it had dirty grease on the screwdriver head. So before I could put two and two together I’m smearing grease all over the drivers seat, and I think, “I better remember to put this napkin on the seat before I drive home.”

Well since I already made a mess, I figured the least I could do is scrap off this damn dried up cheese. So I’m scrapin’ and scrapin’ not thinking about anything else, cause once I got my mind set on somethin’ there’s no turnin’ back. Anyway I get so riled up about gettin’ this cheese off, I forget that it had rained that afternoon and the parking lot’s still a little slick.

My right leg looses ground and and I slip and drop right on my right knee and then I slide some more, so I’m kinda lying face down with my chest leanin’ on the floorboard of the car and my legs straight out in the parking lot, and my knee hurts like crazy. I stand up and my pants are torn at the knee. I roll my eyes and toss the screwdriver in the back seat.

Just as I sit down, I remember the grease on the front seat.

I come home and I got a dirty torn knee, grease on my butt and a big yellow smear on the back of my pants. Nobody asked any questions, they just shook their heads as I went to my room. I live with my mom, a picture of my dad, my sister and her husband, and my grandpa. We all live together cause’ there’s so much room in a trailer – no use in lettin’ all that space go to waste.

Anyway, at dinner my sister says some sexual innuendo to her husband, and my grandpa mutters, “Everything taste better with blue bonnet – on it.” And he laughs and chokes. If anyone knows what the heck he’s talkin’ about, please let me know!

Anyway, I don’t remember your question, but I hope I answered it!

I gotta go now, I hear the ding-ding truck!

And now you know!

More Ask Bob...

Bob Senitram

Webmaster and editor of TheWeirdcrap.com. I obtained a bachelor's degree in micro-biology around the turn of the century but was quickly tracked down and forced to return it to its rightful owner and pay a $25 fine. *** A fan of science fiction, I started this website in 1999 as a portal for science fiction stories that have never been published. *** Completely devoid of talent, I decided to call on the public to supply content. Shortly afterwards Stephen and I started writing weekly columns and have continued to this day.


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