And now its time for the break-down…

Ask Bob!
by Robert Senitram

…and that should pretty much answer your question!

For those who haven’t read every single “Ask Bob” article written in the last ten years, I’ll explain. A couple of years ago someone asked, “So what’s the real Bob like?” So I spent the last four years giving you a chronicle of everything I did and thought. That way you could draw your own conclusions. Well now I’m done!

Thanks for that question Samantha! Now on to the next question! I’ll go ahead and answer a few since they’ve been on hold since 2007.

Colin writes:
I like your story ablut what I want to be. I like looking on internet about flies. I a sexual attraction to flies. So in the summer time I will be looking for flies.
from colin.penny

Dear “colin
That’s not really a question Mr. colin. Maybe you could rent the old and new version of “The Fly.” That should give you some quality masturbation material. After that, you could watch “Lord of the Flies,” I figure a bastard like yourself would probably appreciate those movies you sick son-of-a-bitch.
Bob

Jenny Writes:
Dear Bob,
I just want to take the time to let you know me and my friends at the dorm really appreciate theweirdcrap. It’s always there for a good laugh (we don’t have a tv).
Jenny

Dear Jenny,
What are you some kind of smart ass? I know what you really mean you sick son-of-a-bitch!

Yogi asks:
WHY DO TEACHERS NEED A ANSWER BOOK?
Bean Yogi

Dear Yogi,
What kind of sick, perverted use of the English language is this? First of all, you never use “a” in front of a vowel! Next time use an “an” in front of the vowel. And what’s with all those capitals! ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?

You should go down on your knees and pray to the Jesus for better writing skills. Remember, the Jesus answers prayers, and I have proof!

Last year I was watching my favorite program on the gospel cable channel when the preacher went on to say that if I gave $10 to his blessed church of the holy mother of Jesus Christ located somewhere in Barstow, California, then I would find the Jesus.

So I did, and that afternoon I found the Jesus!

He was hiding in the cabinet under the sink the whole time. He was all done up like a plumber so everybody wouldn’t know who he was, but I knew!

I pulled him out and showed my wife and she said, “You put that Jesus right back where you found him.” So I did. Then I prayed to the Jesus for giant pec’s, ’cause I know that’s what the ladies like. Soon my faith was confirmed when I grew giant pec’s!

A word to the wise, if you decide to pray for the same thing, be sure to be specific. I didn’t say “pectoral muscles” and I ended up with giant man-breasts. he wife isn’t all that crazy about ’em, but I like ’em just the same. THANK YOU JESUS!

What you need is some churchin‘-up. DO THESE THINGS IN REMEMBRANCE OF ME…I mean Jesus.

Only watch the Christian channels
Only read Christian books
Only eat vegetables grown with holy-water
And Only drink milk from a holy-cow
And for God’s sake quite dragging mud across the nice clean floor!
That should get you on the right track. When you have done all these things, ask your question again and I will answer it with divine inspiration. Don’t try cheating, ’cause I’ll know.

Now go in peace…you sick son-of-a-bitch!
Bob

COMING NEXT: Is Bob really running out of material?
Bob Senitram

Webmaster and editor of TheWeirdcrap.com. I obtained a bachelors degree in micro-biology around the turn of the century, but was quickly tracked down and forced to return it to its rightful owner and pay a $25 fine. *** A fan of science fiction, I started this website in 1999 as a portal for science fiction stories that have never been published.*** Completely devoid of talent, I decided to call on the public to supply content. Shortly afterwards Stephen and myself started writing weekly columns and have continued to this day.

http://TheWeirdcrap.com

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