Too Tectonical for my blood

Adam from Notts England writes:
bob i married a lovely lookin lady 17 yrs ago but she as taken on the apperance of a spider monkey now should i live we it or kill it…adam from notts england

Dear Adam:
Try not to over react.

This is exactly what I’ve been saying about North Korea. One minute the moon is a mistress, the next she threatening to shove a nuke up your ass. But like I said last week, North Korea is only hurting herself.

First off, Mr. Jim-Joon Jim-John Jimmy-jim-jim, koo-yung, has started a cultural revolution he won’t be able to stop. In the long run, that cultural change will destroy his legacy. 50 years from now his policies will seem as foolish an nonsensical as the anti-civil rights policies of Georgia’s government back in the 1950’s.

Anyways, that’s looking on the bright side. On the not so bright side, in recent years geophysics has revealed the incredibly obvious. Apparently if you map all known fault systems of the earth, it appears that fault lines known on land were connected under the sea in a vast network on a worldwide scope.

If you compare these maps with maps of tectonic plates you’ll probably conclude that major fault lines are the tectonic plates and smaller faults are extensions from those plates. Well, it just so happens that a major tectonic plate (Eurasian plate) and fault line runs right smack down the East Asian coast. My guestimation is that Korea is just too damn close to that major fault line to predict exactly what will happen.

But it seems fairly obvious that a jolt that close to a major fault line (tectonic plate) may cause some unwanted results. Considering that Korea is the Florida of China, they just may cause themselves to physically break from the mainland and descend to the ocean below…Atlantis style. But that’s just a possibility.

Looks like I forgot about that spider lady…

Kill it, step on it, squash it-dead-dead-dead!

That was my first reaction. Then I noticed you said spider monkey … not spider. Spiders are horrible non-earth creatures that need to be killed when ever possible. Even things that look like spiders need to be destroyed.

But spider monkeys are cutesy-cutesy little fur balls of joy who should never be harmed. Cherish your new monkey-wife, she has been exhaulted to a higher plane.

However, if she starts picking shit out of your hair and eating it, you may consider showering daily. I realize this is not part of normal to European culture, but its just a sacrifice you’ll have to make.

And now you know.

Gimme’ your name, where you from, and a question. That’s it.

COMING NEXT: Was I talking about crackers?

Bob Senitram

Webmaster and editor of I obtained a bachelor's degree in micro-biology around the turn of the century but was quickly tracked down and forced to return it to its rightful owner and pay a $25 fine. *** A fan of science fiction, I started this website in 1999 as a portal for science fiction stories that have never been published. *** Completely devoid of talent, I decided to call on the public to supply content. Shortly afterwards Stephen and I started writing weekly columns and have continued to this day.

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