What In The World Is BHB?

June asks:

Hey Bob, what’s a bullum-head? I overheard a girl on the train say, “Sure, he’s a nice guy…but that bullum-head. I just can’t get past that!” WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT!!

Thanks for submitting your query June!
By the way anyone can Ask Bob a question…I have a degree in SCIENCE!

Put simply, a Bollum-head is a term used by any decent country folk to describe a person with an odd shaped, or an unusually large sized forehead or skull. I imagine June is not from the Midwest, and that’s why she’s not familiar. But if you are from the farm belt, about 1 in 100 people you meet are Bollum heads. Commonly called BHB’s, or Bollum-head-babies. This is not an affliction or something that indicates a special needs person. Quite the opposite, most Bollum heads are smarter than the average person and usually quite successful in life.

Most Midwestern doctors put “BHB” in their doctors’ notes for future reference. So if the kid is playing Mozart on the piano at the age of 3, the doctor isn’t surprised…in fact, these types of accomplishments are common with BHB.

Ain’t that a kick in the head!

These days, with all the science and genetics, folks just think that it’s some sort of genetic abnormality. Back 100 years ago, folks thought it was the result of a doctor squeezing too tight on the forceps and squishing the baby’s head during delivery. Common in the Midwest because so many of our doctors are alcoholics and have the shakes during delivery time.

But I’ve looked a little closer into this phenomenon and I think I found the real reason for this.

I found the greatest concentration of Bollum heads in the US by running a search of birth records of each state and looking for the BHB indicator in the Dr’s notes. The greatest concentration come from Indiana and Illinois. Home of the Bollum-head. You might notice many famous and successful people come from these areas. For example, the late Gary Shandling and Abraham Lincoln are from Illinois, and David Letterman and John Mellencamp are from Indiana. Just a few examples but go ahead and google any one of those guys and you will find what a Bollum head looks like.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Next, I looked for something that is common in these areas that could be the cause. Things like Dorothy Lynch dressing, corn, water towers, or the phrase “ooop.”

I looked into a lot of variables in great detail and found that the water towers in the Midwest were not built to support populated areas, like they are in other cities. Nope, the Midwest water towers were already here when the first settlers showed up. Later, people saw how nice the water tower thing worked in the Midwest and started to copy-cat the original towers all across the nation.

However, the original water towers were built thousands of years ago.

Native Americans believe they were built by gods for the gods and humans should stay clear least you be afflicted with “tempka-tahook”, loosely translated to mean “man with great forehead” or “Bollum-head”.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Now when the white man came, they were lazy and settled in these areas for the free water source. Also, they were safe from Native Americans because they stayed clear of the “Water Towers of the Gods”. Just as expected, settlers started giving birth to Bollum head babies. Native Americans, just watched from a safe distance and shook their heads.

Jerome got the idea that these towers were probably built by aliens who visited the Midwest for a nice vacation. So, me, Jerome and Stephen went on down to Illinois to study them. Stephen thought, if we scrubbed all the paint off a tower (with the city name) then we might find the original markings left by aliens. So, in the middle of the night, with ladders and turpentine in hand, we went to work.

Low and behold, we did find ancient markings on the tower we examined. We took detailed photos and got the heck out of there before the authorities found us. It was hard to make out the alien language at first, then Jerome pulled out an Ovaltine decoder ring, so we used that interpret the alien script.

This is what it said:

“People of Earth, we are providing you with this great container of water that you can drink and use to wash your clothes. Do not worry, it is delicious and nutritious, and it will get your clothes as clean as clean can be. Oh, by the way, we also treated the inside of the towers, so when you drink the water, your DNA will be altered to be like us. When this process is complete, we will return…not as strangers, but as long-lost cousins!”

That’s why people with Bollum-heads are so much smarter than everyone else…Alien DNA.

It’s already happening, so there’s not much we can do about it now, except wait until residents of Illinois and Indiana have all changed to aliens and then wait for their alien cousins to return.

The way I figure it, they probably plan to eat us or turn us into slaves, or maybe just be our friends, hard to say.