I can’t believe the bullshit Bob is trying to lay on everyone with his last “Ask Bob” entry (07/31/00). Take it from me, this is the last person you want health tips from.
Bob smokes. A lot. We still believe nothing beats a good smoke. But, Bob did not mention anything in his column about the joy of smoking. He’s trying to hide something from you.
And about eating healthy? Bob thinks a healthy meal consists of a large mug of bourbon and Pop Tarts. He doesn’t eat vegetables. He claims they give him the runs. It seems he is trying to do some of that voodoo witch doctoring. Don’t believe a word that he writes.
I guess what I am trying to say is that Bob is a freak. He’s almost 65 years old, yet tries to act like he’s 25. His wife is 19. I think she is putting evil thoughts into his head.
I remember the first time I saw Bob. He was sitting at his desk in the office, aimlessly pushing a pile of Chiclets around with a pencil. I though he might be under the influence of some drug, so I reported him to security. He was fired and escorted from the building. I noticed that he put up quite the struggle with one of the guards and managed to throw a weak punch at one of them. At this time, I felt sorry for him and intervened.
Anyway, numerous support groups later, Bob was a better man. Sure, he drank copious amounts of Tequila and vomited in many bars, yet he was a good, decent human being.
Not any longer. Ever since he was shot in the eye during a failed bank robbery, he has changed. His views on the world and people have changed. He is trying to mess with everyone’s minds by writing some whacked out shit. We can’t stop him, but we sure can try to help him. If that fails, we will just have to kill him in a merciful way.
For your benefit, do not send any more questions in to Bob until we find what is really wrong with him. Everyone at Weirdcrap thanks you. His Mommy thanks you too.
I was going to write about how much more realistic “Saved By the Bell” is compared to “Friends”, but I will save that for next week. Sorry if you came here expecting that, but Bob has affected me.
I just wanted to write that in case you are reading this at work and your boss happens to look over your shoulder. Or, in case your mom happens to come into your room right when this shows up on your computer screen. Betcha Mom doesn’t let you come back to this site.
That’s too bad because we are going to have…
HUGE NAKED BOUNCING BOOBIES next week.
What do you think about that, Mom?
That’s it. Gotta save Bob.
COMING NEXT: That “Saved By the Bell” Thing