I finally saw the first two John Wick movies for the first time last weekend.
Now I know when you’re a time traveller everybody thinks you’ve seen every movie there is, as if all you do is travel through time watching movies. But the truth is it doesn’t mean anything like that at all. It just means I’ve seen some movies that none of the rest of you have. And let me tell you, with two or three notable exceptions you aren’t missing much.
But anyway I had never seen the John Wicks.
I knew the basic premise. Bad guys kill a guy’s dog, and he spends the rest of the movie hunting them down for it.
But nobody ever told me he only had the dog for like 15 minutes. And not even that—that’s how far into the movie it was whenever the dog got killed. I looked. And he hadn’t even had the dog the entire time.
Also, it wasn’t a dog it was a puppy.
Now don’t get me wrong. Puppies are precious and adorable and are beyond a doubt one of God’s finest creations, but I’ve never known anybody except for maybe a little kid who was more attached to a puppy than they were to a dog they had known and been friends with for years and years.
And yes, I understand the whole it was a gift from the dead wife thing. But let’s get real here.
It was really about the car.
In fact, just to prove it they had to go and make a whole second movie just so he could finally get the car back.
Which he subsequently proceeds to demolish.
Then, as if just to demonstrate which one is replaceable and which one isn’t he pays out the ass to get the car restored and goes and finds himself another dog.
This column may have some spoilers in it by the way.
But perhaps the thing that strikes me most about John Wick is the big fucking mess he leaves behind wherever he goes. Bodies piled everywhere. Blood smeared all up and down the walls. Everything all shot up and broken. I mean, this guy makes Messy Marvin look like Felix Unger.
And yes you have to be really old to get those references.
Also, I hope John Wick at least owns stock in ammunition, because the guy must almost singlehandedly fund the entire industry. I’m pretty sure a person could make a respectable living just following John Wick around and scooping up all the bullet casings to haul off to the scrapyard.
I also thought it was funny how the entire second movie ended up being nothing but a big setup for the third movie which I still haven’t seen yet but could probably tell you the basic plot of nonetheless because the ending of the second one couldn’t have made it any more obvious. I read they are already talking about a fifth one. I could literally see them making John Wick movies until he is old and in a nursing home swinging his colostomy bag at bad grannies and killing three nursing aids/assassins with his milk straw.
(I’m not kidding. I literally could see it. I am a time traveller you know.)
Maybe someday they will make a John Wick movie where he actually settles down and takes up a hobby. Maybe opens himself up a dog kennel. But since only old ladies and PETA members would pay to see that I’m sure it will never happen.
So colostomy bags and milk straws it is.
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