Is you fresh?
Just a few weeks ago Stephen Johnson (Lunatic Ravings) was questioning my sincerity of my claims of Cresent Fresh-osity. But I am very “Crest-at-Best” and nothing demonstrates this more than the time I switched to a new underarm deodorant that advertised a “New and Improved Super-Sport Fresh Feeling” brand. I have to admit, it is very fresh.
So I’m on my way to work sportin’ my new deodorant. A few blocks away I start to notice the very strong sport scent, then my nose gets itchy and I start sneezing. Soon I’m rolling down the windows because my eyes are starting to water from the super fresh scent.
Now that’s crescent fresh at best.
Speaking of cresent fresh-osity, my brother visted from out of town this weekend. It was really nice to see him, for like myself, without the aid of Ultra-Fresh-Scented deodorant, he is crescent fresh.
We spent a lot of time together as kids because we lived in the same house. He even taught me how to ride a bike and swim. Knowing how to swim when you live in Florida is vital, ‘cause it gets so hot, it’s the only thing that will cool you down.
I remember it like it was yesterday. My brother carried me to the deep end of the pool while his friend carried his little bother to the deep end. We were both kicking and screaming while they chanted, “Two children go in, one swimmer comes out.” We just assumed they expected one of us to drown, and neither of us wanted it to be “the one”…the one that drowns, that is.
This was the set-up, we’re at the deep end carried by our chanting brothers. On the right and left side of the pool are two other family members ready to provide assistance. They never explained how it worked, but I assumed they would throw us in, and who-ever swam to end first was helped ashore and declared “the swimmer”, and the other would be left to drown in the murky water of an un-kept pool.
Next thing I know, I’m sinking in slow motion down a dirty pool. The water is so nasty, that it burns my eyes so I only keep them open for a few moments at a time. I can’t make-out which is the right or left end. I feel a soft bump on my head, open my eyes, only to see a boot floating by.
I kick my legs in an un-coordinated way, and push my way to the top to get a breath. I take a gulp of air/pond scum, and lean forward and start thrashing about. I start to move and keep kicking and swinging. Finally, I make it to an end and I’m helped up. I look behind me, to the other side, so see Randy sitting on the edge, catching his breath. “Looks like he beat me.” I think.
At the moment, that thought entered my mind, I felt Randy’s brother pick me up by my under-arms and throw me back in. “They only want one of us alive, and it’s not me!” I think.
I thrash about ‘till I get to the end, climb out only to be thrown in again.
Like a fish that’s not worth keeping, I get thrown back in three more times. The last time I swim/thrash-about, until I reach the deep end. I climb up, coughing and crying, with expectations of being thrown back in until I drown. But instead my brother reaches out his hand and helps me up.’
“Congratulations!” he says proudly, “You’re the swimmer!”
Turns out the “swimmer” was the first one to bravely swims toward the deep end to get out. Randy didn’t die that day, he was allowed to stay aground as soon as I ported ashore.
Years later, who is in my freshman swimming class? None other than Randy! Somehow we felt a connection in that class, not because of any bond or anything. But because we both spent the first ten minutes of each class hyperventilating and crying.
Anyways, about that deodorant. Everyone at work noticed the super fresh scent and made me spend the first few hours working outside with a laptop. It was kinda nice out there. Then around 10:30, my supervisor came running out of the building calling my name. I figure something must have come up that only I could solve!
Turns out somebody made a big “stinky,” in the bathroom and my boss made me go in there, raise my arms and spin around in circles until the smell dissipated. So thanks to my new brand of deodorant, I now have to double as a human bathroom deodorizer with no extra pay.
So in that respect, I guess I am quite fresh.
And now you know!
COMING NEXT: Dey cat-town layyydies?