Getting Thrown In Jail Doesn’t Suck As Bad As I Thought

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That’s right! As of 7:00 last night I was thrown into prison!

How?

Imagine that it’s a breezy night. The smell of burning tires emanates through the air. People are having unprotected sex in dorm hallways, and geese are migrating back to Iceland to build a missile with the capacity to end life as we know it. I had to stop at a gas station to pick up a pack of smokes and possibly one of those hot dogs that’s always been there forever so I could stick it down my pants to impress the ladies. Get a boner with that puppy in there and chicks totally think your packing twin guns.

While waiting in line I heard some commotion at the front about how the guy only wanted four lottery tickets instead of five, like the guy tried to pull a fast one on him. Instantly I was confused. Never have I met anyone that is concerned with their companies financial status unless they make commission or own the business. I had to interject and question his sanity for the sake of the common man…

When I realized that I was dealing with one of the greatest basketball players to grace our time.

Gheorghe Muresan is a fucking literal god over 15 smaller countries and has starred in such major monster roles such as that one movie with Billy Crystal! Hailing from Romania, he was a mammoth 7’8 and had no patience for weakness or friends. And he…he was in a commercial possibly! You remember that movie with Billy Crystal and a giant don’t you? Muresan was that handsome behemoth! He could hold a Coke can and make it look like a really small Coke can! I even named a shot after him in Junior High in which I would get parallel to the basket and throw the ball at my teacher. That was such a kickass move.

Me: Think the clerk was trying to stiff you man?

Gheorghe: What the fuck? Like, i’m celebrity with movie and guy try to make money off me? I just want lotto tickets and fuckhead try to screw!

Me: Really. So… you think that he…

Gheorghe: Just look at his ugly Amercian face with it’s pimples and stars and stripes. I spit on counter to symbolize hatred for you and you! I know Billy Crystal and go to see women take off clothes for dollar.

Me: Muresan, I’ve respected your skill on the court, but I must insist on drawing the line. Saliva is disgusting and I can’t stand it being there on that counter watching every move I make. I insist you clean it up before I take your giant ass and throw it into a pit of fire.

Gheorghe: I like to see try little man. I am Muresan, destroyer of villages and small forest. I have crushed men like small baboon with stupid lips and ugly feet. I even kill woman who refuse to sell me Butterfinger because I never pay I just take and she yell. Never yell at the Muresan my friend. Never yell at the king of rock.

Me: You make even less sense than I do when I talk. Does your father also happen to have a birthmark on his shin that looks like a Fleer 1998 football card of Drew Bledsoe? We could be related, though I doubt that you were concieved. I have this strange feeling that you just appeared like an illusionist, some sort of mysterious entity.

Gheorghe: I am tired of loud noises come from your mouth. I shut you up real quick like baby sucking on bottle. Then I burp you and call you a pretty little girl, and I put bows in your hair so boys pay attention to you.

Me: Jesus man are you just high on drugs or are you really so bad at English that I must now strangle you to death?

Gheorghe: You stop talk! Degrade me for bad speak all you want I just show you that I own a bad ass motherfuck called me who likes to destroy American! How you think I have necklace made of skulls, I buy? I would snap neck of human in second if they threaten homosexual attempts to me.

Me: Wait! No! I won’t resort to this! Every time I do anything I end up fighting some sort of B-list star or somebody who isn’t in the wrong! I must stop my tyranny of madness. I refuse to fight you Muresan. I cannot become enraged with every accent I hear. I have punched over 500 Scottish people in the last year alone, almost 800 Southerners. I will stop my persecution and let you leave, alive.

Gheorghe: You talk like I know you man. I don’t give shit. I fight a light if it hurt eyes. I kill rabbit if it come into yard. I destroy person who talk to me without knowledge of movie I make. Maybe you stop being a baby and we settle this like two dogs fighting for a large bone that have beer soaked onto top of it.

Me:….

Gheorghe: You hear me sassy pant? Are you too pussy you not even look at me? I taunt you because I sex your mother other day at the mall in a Radio Shack. She says I make good role model for you and that I should marry her. I now father to you. Go clean your room.

Once again, I lose it. Fuck that gangly-ass eccentric bastard for ever having the audacity to break up my family. With nothing to live for I slowly strangled Muresan to death with my shoestring, choking the life out of him with each tightening.

So yeah, jail, you know it’s not as bad as I thought. I mean I get to eat bread, which I LOVE, every day and, get this, I even get an hour a week outside. Hell, I’ve never seen so much as the reflection of the sun. Mom always said the sun was a satellite for the aliens to control our minds with. All I gotta say is that ignorance is bliss people I’m hooked! The sun rocks!

I dropped the soap yesterday and Dan picked it up for me. What the fuck is up with that you know? I expect anal rape and all I get is a “here you go” and an awkward stare at my genitals. Where’s the justice?

I’m sure to escape tonight. I promised the guard that I would set him free from the hellhole and that we could run off to Guatemala together. He’s paying so I might stay for a few days and then ditch him, breaking his heart forever I’d say.

Well I gotta go do laundry duty. Biggs shit his pants when he got stabbed earlier and it’s starting to stink up the joint.

Tip ya 40’s for me!


More Fun Fiction…

Michael Jones

Not a lot is known about this author other than he posted this crazy story back in 2004 with a link to a web page at "ubersite.com", which is no longer in operation. There he posted a number of columns similar to the "Lunatics" here at theweirdcrap. It seems he had a following as he had about 22,000 page views.

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