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That’s right! As of 7:00 last night I was thrown into prison!
Imagine that it’s a breezy night. The smell of burning tires emanates through the air. People are having unprotected sex in dorm hallways, and geese are migrating back to Iceland to build a missile with the capacity to end life as we know it. I had to stop at a gas station to pick up a pack of smokes and possibly one of those hot dogs that’s always been there forever so I could stick it down my pants to impress the ladies. Get a boner with that puppy in there and chicks totally think your packing twin guns.
While waiting in line I heard some commotion at the front about how the guy only wanted four lottery tickets instead of five, like the guy tried to pull a fast one on him. Instantly I was confused. Never have I met anyone that is concerned with their companies financial status unless they make commission or own the business. I had to interject and question his sanity for the sake of the common man…
When I realized that I was dealing with one of the greatest basketball players to grace our time.
Gheorghe Muresan is a fucking literal god over 15 smaller countries and has starred in such major monster roles such as that one movie with Billy Crystal! Hailing from Romania, he was a mammoth 7’8 and had no patience for weakness or friends. And he…he was in a commercial possibly! You remember that movie with Billy Crystal and a giant don’t you? Muresan was that handsome behemoth! He could hold a Coke can and make it look like a really small Coke can! I even named a shot after him in Junior High in which I would get parallel to the basket and throw the ball at my teacher. That was such a kickass move.
Me: Think the clerk was trying to stiff you man?
Gheorghe: What the fuck? Like, i’m celebrity with movie and guy try to make money off me? I just want lotto tickets and fuckhead try to screw!
Me: Really. So… you think that he…
Gheorghe: Just look at his ugly Amercian face with it’s pimples and stars and stripes. I spit on counter to symbolize hatred for you and you! I know Billy Crystal and go to see women take off clothes for dollar.
Me: Muresan, I’ve respected your skill on the court, but I must insist on drawing the line. Saliva is disgusting and I can’t stand it being there on that counter watching every move I make. I insist you clean it up before I take your giant ass and throw it into a pit of fire.
Gheorghe: I like to see try little man. I am Muresan, destroyer of villages and small forest. I have crushed men like small baboon with stupid lips and ugly feet. I even kill woman who refuse to sell me Butterfinger because I never pay I just take and she yell. Never yell at the Muresan my friend. Never yell at the king of rock.
Me: You make even less sense than I do when I talk. Does your father also happen to have a birthmark on his shin that looks like a Fleer 1998 football card of Drew Bledsoe? We could be related, though I doubt that you were concieved. I have this strange feeling that you just appeared like an illusionist, some sort of mysterious entity.
Gheorghe: I am tired of loud noises come from your mouth. I shut you up real quick like baby sucking on bottle. Then I burp you and call you a pretty little girl, and I put bows in your hair so boys pay attention to you.
Me: Jesus man are you just high on drugs or are you really so bad at English that I must now strangle you to death?
Gheorghe: You stop talk! Degrade me for bad speak all you want I just show you that I own a bad ass motherfuck called me who likes to destroy American! How you think I have necklace made of skulls, I buy? I would snap neck of human in second if they threaten homosexual attempts to me.
Me: Wait! No! I won’t resort to this! Every time I do anything I end up fighting some sort of B-list star or somebody who isn’t in the wrong! I must stop my tyranny of madness. I refuse to fight you Muresan. I cannot become enraged with every accent I hear. I have punched over 500 Scottish people in the last year alone, almost 800 Southerners. I will stop my persecution and let you leave, alive.
Gheorghe: You talk like I know you man. I don’t give shit. I fight a light if it hurt eyes. I kill rabbit if it come into yard. I destroy person who talk to me without knowledge of movie I make. Maybe you stop being a baby and we settle this like two dogs fighting for a large bone that have beer soaked onto top of it.
Gheorghe: You hear me sassy pant? Are you too pussy you not even look at me? I taunt you because I sex your mother other day at the mall in a Radio Shack. She says I make good role model for you and that I should marry her. I now father to you. Go clean your room.
Once again, I lose it. Fuck that gangly-ass eccentric bastard for ever having the audacity to break up my family. With nothing to live for I slowly strangled Muresan to death with my shoestring, choking the life out of him with each tightening.
So yeah, jail, you know it’s not as bad as I thought. I mean I get to eat bread, which I LOVE, every day and, get this, I even get an hour a week outside. Hell, I’ve never seen so much as the reflection of the sun. Mom always said the sun was a satellite for the aliens to control our minds with. All I gotta say is that ignorance is bliss people I’m hooked! The sun rocks!
I dropped the soap yesterday and Dan picked it up for me. What the fuck is up with that you know? I expect anal rape and all I get is a “here you go” and an awkward stare at my genitals. Where’s the justice?
I’m sure to escape tonight. I promised the guard that I would set him free from the hellhole and that we could run off to Guatemala together. He’s paying so I might stay for a few days and then ditch him, breaking his heart forever I’d say.
Well I gotta go do laundry duty. Biggs shit his pants when he got stabbed earlier and it’s starting to stink up the joint.
Tip ya 40’s for me!